lost_girl Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 Hi,everyone..... I am having a bad problem.... You see, I have a 2 year marriage with my hubby and before that I went out with him for 2 years before I agree to his proposal. We have no children. Now we are having problems with our marriage. He quit his job right after we got marry and now is saddled with bad debts that we can't settle. He completely changed when he quit his job. I used to know him as someone who is ambitious and with a purpose in life but right now, he just want to laze around at home, doing nothing while I am out working so hard for the family. Another problem is that he don't seem to want to make love anymore. I tried to get him to talk about it but he being an egolistic guy simply refused to open up to me. I am feeling hurt that I am not able to do my duties as wife. I heed my friend's advise and encourage him to find a job but he simply ignore my suggestion. I actually wanted to drag on this relationship and see how things go in future as we only been married for 2 years. But right now, I recently met someone who fill up my whole life. He is so sincere and sweet to me. He knows I am married so he refused to take advantage of me. He wants to wait til I settle my own problems before he came into my life. And I am so head over heels over him. I need help and some really good advice. Should I give my marriage a little bit more time? Or should I settle this once and for all and be with the guy? I can't say I don't love my husband anymore. I do love him but its getting tired of waiting for him to change. What can I do? Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 A man that doesn't support his family, in my book, isn't a man. Doesn't it make you wonder what he does all day........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost_girl Posted June 7, 2003 Author Share Posted June 7, 2003 I do wonder what he do all day but he claim to be at home alone with his internet. I ever spring surprise spot checks but found nothing at all. Is he plain lucky or is he just innocent? I really at a lost here...... I don't want to waste my life here to wait for him to pick up his life again but i feel like a jerk for wanting leave him at these times that are bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Arcane Posted June 7, 2003 Share Posted June 7, 2003 More than likely you aren't going to catch him in anything because he is innocent and is doing exactly what he says he's doing. He's probably just flat out lazy and sits around playing on the internet all day. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 9, 2003 Share Posted June 9, 2003 You know, if you have no children and only 2 years and you are UNHAPPY, then you have absolutely no guilt or reason to do what you want to do. Whatever that is. Link to post Share on other sites
Jamie31 Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 Honey, part of your duties as a wife is to be there for your husband (as your vows said) for better or for worse. Every couple goes through slumps where the relationship isn't so great. But when you got married, you took vows, and those vows were for life. You should feel bad for even looking at another man, not to mention thinking about leaving your husband for this man. Maybe your husband has some other issues besides his job. Men don't tend to want to open up...they try to keep thier feelings inside...but it's our job to be there for him and listen to his problems and you both need to work them out together. Don't become a statistic. You have only been married for 2 years....that's not very long. Give it some time. Everyone goes through rough patches in life. I am sure there will be a time in your life where you feel down and don't feel like making love or making the effort too.....at that time, would you want your husband to go astray and leave you to solve your own problems? No, I don't think you would. When you made the decision to get married, that meant that you made the decision to stick with this man through thick and thin, through good times and bad...and by going astray, you are breaking your vows. That's not good. My advice is to give it time...talk to your husband..find out what is wrong. It will work itself out and it will mean the most to him that you were there for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 I don't mean to be rude but your advice sorta stinks, IMO. She wasn't the only one who made marriage vows. So did he. Marriage is about being part of a partnership....where both parties equally contribute to the marriage as a whole. Why should this woman bust her arse to support this lazy dork, while he's home all day surfing the internet? She sounds miserable. They have no sex life (which is an important part of marriage).....he won't look for a job, he's a bum. She deserves better than this. Marriage takes the hard work and effort of 2 people...not just one. I would never put up with a lazy freeloading husband and I can't understand why any woman would...especially one who doesn't have children with the loser. She shouldn't have to sit this bum down and beg him to be the man he should already be.........she shouldn't have to ask him to get his arse off the chair and get out and find a job. It sounds like he was merely looking for someone to marry, quit his job so that she could support him while he goofed off all day. Link to post Share on other sites
Jamie31 Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 I do have some idea of what it takes to make it work. You are right - it does take two people to make it work, but like I said before, everyone goes through slumps in their life and thier relationships and you can't just give up every time things get a little rough, or no relationship will last. Too many people get married thinking "Oh well..if it don't work, we'll just get divorced" and that is NOT a solution! What happened to the times when marriage meant forever? Vows should be taken seriously and forever! The divorce rate these days is crazy and it's all because people just up and divorce because they are going through a slump. I know I took my marriage vows seriously and I can't imagine any reason other than infidelity that I would break those vows. Yeah, maybe I am young, and maybe I don't have all the life experience that a lot of people on this board have, but I know how I feel about marriage, and I know what has worked in my relationship.....and therefore I am giving my advice to these people that need it. These people didn't only write to certain ones hoping to get advice - they wrote to everyone willing to give it. So in turn, I am giving the best advice that I can, and you or anyone else don't have the right to knock my advice saying that it is stupid or not valid or whatever you think. You are entitled to your opinion as am I. So think what you will, but as long as there are people out there seeking advice, and as long as I have an opinion, I will continue to post replies to the best of my ability. Link to post Share on other sites
flower Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 I think you should not wait for your loser husband. Settle your matters first before going into your next relationship otherwise you will be guilty-ridden during the process. Feel free to send private message to me if you need a listening ear. Link to post Share on other sites
blossom Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 If it were me, I'd dump the bum and move on. I was married to a guy like this years ago. He quit his job shortly after we married and never got another one...he was too busy getting high and playing video games to work. I found what I believed to be cocaine in my house and made him get out, I had an 8 year old child and no way was I living with drugs in my house. This guy pulled all kinds of tricks from attempting suicide to landing in jail for attempted robbery. I lasted about 3 months with him... I'm not saying your husband would ever be as awful as my ex...I wouldn't wish that on anybody. It's hard to end a marriage even if you want or need to. Only you really know what you can and can not live with. You owe it to yourself to be happy and at peace. I wish for you good luck and much strength. Blossom Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost_girl Posted June 17, 2003 Author Share Posted June 17, 2003 Thank you so much.... Didn't know I would be getting so much advise over here..... I am so lost and so depressed, in much confusion. Vows to me are very important but likewise so is the rest of my life. I am in my early 20s and I really don't want to waste my best part of my life waiting on..... Its really tired trying and trying til I feel so much like giving up hope. I don't mind trying and dragging this marriage on if I can be promised a positive result but I am not and I have to take a gamble. I was so in love with him and our character just fits so much together. And I was so happy and satisfied with him. That's why I jump into marriage with him without a second thought. I didn't know he will change into someone I didn't know. He quit his job for over a year and that is when he has begun his change. I tolerate and bear with it, telling myself it is just a passing phase. But its been over one year and still no result, no job. The reason he quit is because he is sick of what he is doing and he wanted more out of life. I encourage that because he was filled with dreams and ideas...... But all that soon fade when he realise it is harder to make those dreams come true than he predicted. We still live together now but we are behaving more like friends with a peck of kiss on cheeks every now and then, and nothing more. For a normal woman like me, its frustrating....... I wan cuddles and hugs too..... I am getting too comfortable in this dying marriage and slowly letting it take over my will and courage to move on. I am scared, terribly scared of what's of future if I really give up everything. Yet I am also so tired of hanging on..... Contradicting right? Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 17, 2003 Share Posted June 17, 2003 I know divorce sucks! Breakups aren't called breakups for no apparent reason. But sometimes, we learn so much from the first marriage, we get it right the second time around. (and some people, just keep on learning, relationship after relationship after relationship). It takes 2 to make it work. That's why is called RELATIONship, not individualism. You cannot do relationships alone (unfortunately). Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 17, 2003 Share Posted June 17, 2003 By the way, I'm assuming that you have talked to him about all this and how it is affecting you???? I've assumed a great deal that only you can know. Communicating all this to your husband would be a good start. If he loved you, perhaps he would return to his former self? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost_girl Posted June 19, 2003 Author Share Posted June 19, 2003 Yes, I had a talk with him and that is on the first week of May. We decided to sit down and talk out our problems. We have a compromise. I was to stop going out so frequent and returning home so late. (Which I admit I did go nightspots and stay out late to avoid facing my problems I have with him. I started to do that this year when I realise I can be home late and tired and go straight to bed without facing him or his problems) His compromise is that he will change and go look for a job. I did my part and stop everything at once. He remains the same. And I am disappointed. Jobs are few, I know that. I don't ask for more. I don't need him to have a great job with huge pay. Even it is a lowly or even a part time job, it will matter a great deal to me. Furthermore, his qualification is higher than me. So there is really no reason not to work. And for the intimacy part, I talk to him and he told me he can't help it and that is his problem, not mine. He shrugged and refused to say more. Link to post Share on other sites
BadMan Posted June 25, 2003 Share Posted June 25, 2003 Originally posted by lost_girl Yes, I had a talk with him and that is on the first week of May. We decided to sit down and talk out our problems. We have a compromise. I was to stop going out so frequent and returning home so late. (Which I admit I did go nightspots and stay out late to avoid facing my problems I have with him. I started to do that this year when I realise I can be home late and tired and go straight to bed without facing him or his problems) His compromise is that he will change and go look for a job. I did my part and stop everything at once. He remains the same. And I am disappointed. Jobs are few, I know that. I don't ask for more. I don't need him to have a great job with huge pay. Even it is a lowly or even a part time job, it will matter a great deal to me. Furthermore, his qualification is higher than me. So there is really no reason not to work. And for the intimacy part, I talk to him and he told me he can't help it and that is his problem, not mine. He shrugged and refused to say more. Dump this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
kitty Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 What do you think he would do if the situation was reversed? Have you tried to help him to look for a job? I will not try to pretend I know the right thing to tell you, but sometimes good things come to patient people. I would say that if you have treid everything and I mean everything, then maybe some time apart might wake him up. But, you really should look deeply into your heart before you think about divorce. thie other guy may fill the void for now, but what happens when that relationship hits a little trouble? I hope everything works out for you and wish you much happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted July 1, 2003 Share Posted July 1, 2003 That all sounds very cheerful, but her post stated he had not worked in 2 YEARS. No one should have to look for you a job, that's always your own responsibility. She wanted a husband not an adult child. Holding marriages together for the sake of itself is wrong in itself. She cannot plan for the future or children while he pretends he has a mother instead of a wife. Her dreams are shattered for having a family life. What kind of marriage is that? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted July 1, 2003 Share Posted July 1, 2003 I think the best thing to do in this situation is to make a decision to either "fix" your relationship or end it. Another love interest should not even enter into the equation yet! I don't necessarily hold to the ideas that the "male" should be sole the provider. I think a relationship and its responsibilities should be split 50/50. If someone wants to stay home and take care of the home, family & children...then someone has to pick up the slack and pay the bills. But since there are no children, then what has your husband been doing to pitch in for the last two years? Is he collecting unemployment or disability?? If he refuses to cooperate and become an equal partner in this union...than you have to question whether this is really a relationship at all. Perhaps it can be better described as co-dependency. And don't look to someone on the outside to provide you with those things you feel you are missing in your marriage. This will provide only a temporary diversion but will never result in fixing your marital problems, or strengthening your inner resolve. If you fall into this old trap, you’ll likely find yourself repeating the same mistake twice. If you can’t handle one relationship, you’ll certainly never be able to juggle two! Own your problem, become accountable for it, and then find the courage to seek some resolve. Decide if you have the integrity of character, confidence and self-esteem to stand on your own two feet FIRST, before bringing a third person into this toxic situation. If you even care the slightest for your new friend, than you would hardly expect him to settle for any less… Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted July 1, 2003 Share Posted July 1, 2003 It sounds like your husband is depressed. He needs to seek counseling. Then the two of you should go to marriage counseling together. Pull out all the stops before you call it quits. And do NOT let the lure of another man make your decision for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost_girl Posted August 26, 2003 Author Share Posted August 26, 2003 Hi eveyone.... I know I went missing for a little while. Got to have some time to sort out my life. I went for some of the advice you've given me and I spoke to my parents and my close friends. I made the decision to leave him. I had another talk with him and he had agree to it. We also agree to stick to each other as friends. I am still living with him while I am processing my separation papers. I am thinking of moving out on my own instead of moving back to my dad's. So I am still seaching for a place. So far he hasn't move an inch to get himself employed. At least now he hasn't been asking money from me anymore. He got himself a girlfriend who is rich enough to indulge in his whims. Kinda make me think whether is she the girl who led him not to be interested in having sex with me. I don't care much anymore. Hurt and tears has long gone. Life goes on. Thank you for all your advice. Thank you very much. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted August 26, 2003 Share Posted August 26, 2003 Yes, maybe that was the reason. The truth always comes out. But on the brightest note possible, and this is great news.... You get new adventures, a new chance to know what you know and learned and use that information to make a better decision next time! You are smarter and wiser now. You've learned how not to treat people, as your ex- has shown you. You've learned that you DO NOT have to tolerate someone treating you badly again! You are ahead of the game more than many of us... In my humble opinion... Be happy for your new life. Be glad to be rid of your old one. Look to the future with a newborn's eyes, look at all that could be possible. Believe. Dream. It can come true. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 27, 2003 Share Posted August 27, 2003 I disagree. People who are working, ambitious, and doing well in life don't all of a sudden become lazy. Nor are lazy people likely to be ambitous and do well in work. When a person's personality changes that much, suspect mental illness. ALWAYS. That he has a new girl doesn't mean he's not depressed. If he is too down to find his own work or make his own way, someone who comes along and enables him by 'taking care of him' will be a relief to him because it doesn't give him a reason to find help. People who lie around all day and do little are suffering from some sort of disorder and need help, not censure - that only makes them feel worse and even less like doing anything. Link to post Share on other sites
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