pockiiee Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Hi, I've been married for seven years and up until recently there have been no jealousy problems of any sort between the two of us - but a few months ago my husband and I had a trial separation - lived apart for four months but got back together and started dating again after the first week apart. We went to therapy and worked out some bad habits for dealing with our anger and communication. It was a stressful time for both of us but we feel we've come out of it understanding each other better. Now, things seem to be going really well, we are connecting a lot and having fun, but I now get very jealous over his female friend. When we separated he had been talking to a single female colleague at work about the whole thing - It was through looking at his text messages to her that the whole break-up confrontation started. He left me and went and lived with her- strictly platonic he says though I think there was emotional infidelity involved but not physical. I was sure he was cheating at the time. He left me alone at Easter in a new city and I called him having brunch with her family - bad days... Anyhow, we got back together and he changed jobs so no longer works with her and things are overall very good - I have been out with him and this female a couple of times but get really, really bad vibes from it. She sends him text messages all of the time about her sex life..... really graphic things. My husband is a pretty easy going guy so people like sharing with him but I think it's creepy.She is recently divorced and being "wild". My husband shows some of them to me, when I am home but I just don't get it. T I can't help but think he's a bit to into the details of her personal life. We were out with her and her new boyfriend yesterday, with some other friends of his and it's like anytime I see her or hear her name jealousy goes out of control. I hate how it makes me feel. He says they are "really good friends" .. She is always very touchy with him (even when her boyfriend was there) and quite cold to me. It really makes me uncomfortable but I don't really want to approach this with my husband when things are finally going pretty well. Am I over-reacting? Link to post Share on other sites
Boundary Problem Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Am I over-reacting? No. Either your marriage is "on" or it is "off". If it is "on" he needs to get rid of that woman. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 No you aren't over reacting. This friendship is unhealthy for your marriage, which is still abit rocky. She knows this and it feeds her ego (ALOT) and makes her feel good knowing that you're squirming when she's around. Your H has to tell her to back off and stop texting him. He's letting all this happen, maybe he likes knowing this girl likes him, boyfriend around or not. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Your marriage will not survive with this "friend" in the picture. Your husband has to choose you or her. There is no comprimise here. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 You should ask him sometime how his friendship with her is enriching and supporting your marriage. He won't know what to say exactly, because a relationship like the one he has with her does not enrich or support a marriage - it is like a cancer that rots it from the inside out. He needs to know exactly what it is that he is bringing into this marriage and that if he wants a healthy and happy marriage, this 'friendship' is going to have to go. There is a reason he is holding on to this regardless of the damage it is doing. I'd insist on finding out what it is, and seeing if he can get to the point where he would rather move forward with you, or continue destroying his marriage with her. Link to post Share on other sites
KM366 Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 I agree, this girl has to go. My marriage had plenty of problems that contributed to its end (and now that enough time has passed I'm glad that it ended) but what really killed it was a situation almost exactly like you described (maybe without the graphic texts though!). M ex denied, denied, denied that he felt anything for the woman he worked with - they were just friends, I was paranoid, blah blah blah. He tried to make me think I was crazy and a horrible person for even suspecting such a thing. Right! I found where he'd written to his best friend about it and said he loved her! He didn't fall out of love with me until he fell in love with her. I still don't know if there was even anything physical between them but there really didn't need to be. The emotional attachment was more than enough. We tried therapy at the time but it didn't go anywhere - how could it when all he cared about at the time was her? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 OP, just so I'm clear.... his inappropriate relationship/friendship with his friend was contributory to your separation, meaning it was going on prior to the separation, or did it begin after you had separated? Do you have reason to believe he's been this way with other women in the past? How long did you go to therapy? What tools did you learn regarding anger management and communication? TBH, I think this subject would be a good one to put in front of a MC and deal with your other marital issues. You do know you have them, don't you? It'll come out. Welcome to LS Link to post Share on other sites
Heroic Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 He is just a pony in her stable. It may not be physical, but if she/he had a chance she/he would take it. Link to post Share on other sites
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