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My Wife wants to spend too much time with her family


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Old 1st December 2009, 11:41 AM   #1
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My Wife wants to spend too much time with her family

My wife and I were recently married in July. We lived with her family for about 2 years before we got married and recently just moved out in October. We're now about a 2 hour drive from her parents' house, but she wants to see them almost every weekend. I understand that she misses them, but I also would like to spend time with just her. I've brought this up to her, trying not to sound like a jerk, but of course it upset her anyway.
Visiting them is not fun for me. It wouldn't be so bad if I could stand my mother in law, but she is a constant complainer and always needs help with something. Everytime we visit, she goes off and spends time with her mother, while I do some chore or fix something her mother wants done. Why her brother or father can't do it is beyond me.
My MIL always lays these guilt trips on my wife about not having any money and so of course my wife feels the need to help out somehow, even though the rest of her siblings don't. I just want to start our life together, but I feel like I'm put on the back burner for her family. I feel like they're this huge weight keeping us down, since we can barely afford to live on our own as it is.
I don't hate her family and it's not like I don't want her to visit them. It would just be nice to have a reasonable time between visits, instead of seeing them every other weekend.
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Old 1st December 2009, 11:52 AM   #2
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Some advice - I am in the process of divorcing my husband after a 26 year marriage. The main indicator of future difficuly (that I could see from the very early stages of my marriage) were intrusions in our alone time. You need to find some way to commmunicate and compromise on this - I was not given that opportunity - my in-laws simply took over our life. Have a talk with your wife - the guilt trips from the MIL are telling - why would she be making your wife feel guilty about starting her own life? Something isn't right here.
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Old 1st December 2009, 12:51 PM   #3
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tell her

That you will go once a month for a weekend. See how long she keeps going without you. Me - I love spending time with my wife more then anything. But I have a life also so if she was doing this I would let her go without me once and month and just have that weekend to myself.

My wife and I DID have some HUGE fights about giving money to relatives when we were first married. I dug in and she finally agreed to not do it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Winchester94 View Post
My wife and I were recently married in July. We lived with her family for about 2 years before we got married and recently just moved out in October. We're now about a 2 hour drive from her parents' house, but she wants to see them almost every weekend. I understand that she misses them, but I also would like to spend time with just her. I've brought this up to her, trying not to sound like a jerk, but of course it upset her anyway.
Visiting them is not fun for me. It wouldn't be so bad if I could stand my mother in law, but she is a constant complainer and always needs help with something. Everytime we visit, she goes off and spends time with her mother, while I do some chore or fix something her mother wants done. Why her brother or father can't do it is beyond me.
My MIL always lays these guilt trips on my wife about not having any money and so of course my wife feels the need to help out somehow, even though the rest of her siblings don't. I just want to start our life together, but I feel like I'm put on the back burner for her family. I feel like they're this huge weight keeping us down, since we can barely afford to live on our own as it is.
I don't hate her family and it's not like I don't want her to visit them. It would just be nice to have a reasonable time between visits, instead of seeing them every other weekend.
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Old 1st December 2009, 1:04 PM   #4
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winchester, just tell her you aren't going. if she wants to argue the point,tell her to go you're staying home. just wondering though if visiting her every weekend rattles your nerves, how did you put up with mil every day for 2 years?
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Old 1st December 2009, 1:15 PM   #5
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I agree with the others here that you need to set up a boundary for yourself. You cannot control what she does, but you can decide for yourself what you do. If you feel it is ok to go twice a month...do that, once a month...do that. Decide when you feel ok going and then tell her what you decided...and stick to it. Then be prepared for the mother of all guilt trips as your W and MIL test your limits...this is a test you have to pass.

The other thing you need to do here is have a serious talk with her. Do not focus on what she is doing wrong so much as focus on how it makes you feel. Let her know that you want to work on your family unit here.

Good luck brother..keep us posted.
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Old 1st December 2009, 4:05 PM   #6
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Why does she want to visit her family so much? You guys are newlywed and it would seem that she would love to be away from her family now that you've got your own place.

My first instinct is that she is afraid to leave the nest. She doesn't feel secure with you. She doesn't feel like a family with just you. She's missing something at home with you that going to visit her parents provides for her. That's what you need to find out. Why does she want to visit them so often and try and make your house a happy home for your wife.
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Old 1st December 2009, 5:04 PM   #7
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Could be a culture thing.

My wife visits her parents every week too, they're from Thailand/Laos so it's a bit weird for me. I don't go with her when she does. I visit my own parents maybe 3-4 times a year and they're 40 minutes drive away.

Your situation is more difficult because you lived with them for 2 years - I've been pretty firm on what I think is acceptable in regards to finances and relatives since day 1 and it's definitely something you both should have had a serious talk about before you got married.

Time to do it now. Unfortunately, as you're married you're going to both have to say what you ideally want want, then compromise.
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Last edited by Enema; 1st December 2009 at 5:11 PM..
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