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after 20+ years she wants a divorce??


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Old 20th November 2009, 11:14 AM   #1
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Unhappy after 20+ years she wants a divorce??

I found this forum through a search and thought it might help me cope.

I have been married to my wife for over 20 years and last night she put a note on my pillow telling me that she had some unpeasant things that she wanted to talk to me about. What struck me as odd was that I was awake and in another room yet she never bothered to come in.

Im 47 and she is 52. Neither of us are really attractive but I still love her and find her attractive in my eyes.

When I asked her what was up she dropped a bomb on me and told me she did not love me anymore and has not loved me for quite some time and I should have noticed this. She then asked me for divorce.

I could not sleep at all and stayed up the entire night in agony. She refuses to talk about it and tells me her dicision is final.

First thing I did was call our only Son, he is 20. He came over and tried to talk to her and she gave him the same nonsense. She said it with a blank look on her face and with little to no emotion. It's like she was possesed by something. I was devestated.

Financially we are OK. Our home is paid for and we were both working towards retirement 2-5 years. Now this is all gone as we will have to both work for the rest of our lives with maybe no retirement in either of our future.

I asked her if she was cheating on me and she said no. This just defies logic for me. We argue sometimes but I have never laid a hand on her. I don't know what to make of it.

I have made a few obersvations below which may have something to do with it.

She stoped sleeping in our bed when my Son moved out two years ago. She took his old room. Her excuse: I snore.

She is taking medication for an anyurism so I wonder if this may affect her.

Her father passed away a few months ago so this may have something to do with it.

We did recently come back from our own 2 week vacation and I thought we had a good time together. Im stumped where this is coming from. We did have an argument the night before because I went to sleep with her in her bed and woke her up. This really made her mad and me as well. She basically kicked me out of her bed.

For the longest time I noticed that she never says I love you unless I say it first. She also no longer likes sex I guess as I always initiate it and she doesnt. We have sex maybe once a month if lucky. She tells me she has no interest in sex. It's almost like I have to beg for it to get it.

I just do not know what to do. She woke up this morning and went to work like nothing was the matter. I gave her a letter to try to iron things out and she reluctantly took it with her. Tomorrow I go to work and won't really see her until four days from now. Not sure how Im going to cope at work.

This is hard because I work nights and she works days. I also work Sat and Sun when she is off so we rarely see each other.

Im just a mess now and do not know what to do. It is still sinking in. How long will this pain last? Any advise or suggestions would be appreciated.
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Old 20th November 2009, 11:20 AM   #2
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Something else I forgot to mention is that recently she has gotten into facebook.

All of a sudden she wants me to show her how to password protect her PC, her email and other stuff.

I helped her with it as I respect my Wife's privacy.

Now I am wondering if this is too much of a coincidence. I have no evidence of anything and I trust my wife. But now I have to beleive that anything is possible.

And her not talking to me is absolute torture. This feels exacly like when I lost my father. Can't stand the pain.
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Old 20th November 2009, 11:54 AM   #3
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I'm very sorry, g. I'm the same age as you and have been married about the same length of time.

This may have already occurred to you, but I suggest researching mid-life crises (often abbreviated to "MLC"). If this is the situation you're dealing with, you're in for a rough ride. Little you say or do will get through to her; she's in a serious fog where it's all about her, whether or not she's having an affair (though the Facebook thing leaves that as a possibility). Will the fog ever lift? Your guess is as good as mine.

Strap in, pal, and let me give you some lawyerly advice: protect yourself. Talk to a lawyer, whether or not you see divorce as an option, to get information. Information is power. Separate your finances and cancel joint credit cards. You may trust your wife, but this person, whether it's MLC, an affair, or both, is not the person you married. Aliens have taken her over indefinitely, so you have no idea what she's capable of. And a little dose of reality MAY cut through the fog a little.

And for your sake, detach. Take care of yourself: exercise (endorphins can be a Godsend), eat, sleep and get meds for depression if that is or becomes an issue. And let her take care of herself. That may sound counterintuitive if you want your marriage, but begging and pleading and smothering will only drive her further away.

Good luck, brother, and keep posting.
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Old 20th November 2009, 12:04 PM   #4
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She could be cheating, but to me she has all the signs of being a walk away wife.
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Old 20th November 2009, 12:06 PM   #5
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BIG hugs, g.
Yes, she is no doubt still very much grieving for her father. His death, however, may have hit it home with her that "life is too short" to live it in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship.

If her medication is new, or dosage was recently changed, then there could be some side-effects but...well, it kind of doesn't feel as if that's what is going on for her, does it? In any case, ease your own mind about this one, and do some research - ask your doctor or check mayoclinic.com or wikipedia.

It sounds, really, that your wife left it too late to address whatever were the serious problems and issues in your marriage. She let it get to the point where she is just done, and has no desire/inspiration to try to work through it. (And you saw some of the signs, and you ignored them too, yes?)

But. I would suggest for you to make an appointment with a marriage counselor, then tell your wife the day, time and place, and say that she is more than welcome to join you. And go with or without her.

You could also check marriagebuilders.com - maybe even print-out the "emotional needs" questionnaire (and related-explanatory articles) and leave it on her pillow.

It is also that your wife is hurting, confused, scared, etc. If you can find a way to empathize with her...well, the feelings that empathy help to engender could be part of what she has been missing from you / in her marriage.

Unfortunately though, to me it does not sound promising...but I'd still hold onto hope that maybe counseling will help. It ain't over 'til it's over.
I'm sorry that you're going through it.
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Last edited by Ronni_W; 20th November 2009 at 12:08 PM..
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Old 20th November 2009, 12:13 PM   #6
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Is the 20 yr old your only child or your youngest child?

If so she might have wanted out for quite some time but chose to wait till the kids were grown.

Look on the bright side, physically attractive or not, a fully employed 47 yr old man with no small children and no alimony or child support payments to make has many, many options in the single's world. By this time next year you could be banging a smokingly hot 35 yr old. So give her share of things, smile and say "see ya, wouldn't want to be ya" and wave good bye.
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Old 20th November 2009, 1:18 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by soserious1 View Post
Look on the bright side, physically attractive or not, a fully employed 47 yr old man with no small children and no alimony or child support payments to make has many, many options in the single's world. By this time next year you could be banging a smokingly hot 35 yr old. So give her share of things, smile and say "see ya, wouldn't want to be ya" and wave good bye.
I would not be so sure on the no alimony part, if they were married for twenty years and she was not employed she will get alimony big time. Good luck with your situation I was also divorced after 20 years, sometimes people change or grow a part.
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Old 20th November 2009, 1:26 PM   #8
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I would not be so sure on the no alimony part, if they were married for twenty years and she was not employed she will get alimony big time. Good luck with your situation I was also divorced after 20 years, sometimes people change or grow a part.
He said that they now will both have to work for the rest of their lives so I'm assuming she's employed. Personally I think he's in the catbird seat as post divorce social prospects are a LOT better for a 47 yr old man unencumbered with small child and child support payments then they are for a 52 yr old woman.
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Old 20th November 2009, 5:14 PM   #9
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She likely found an old flame on FB and is trying to recapture some of her youth by rekindling something long gone. Hate to say it, but it happens all the time, particularly with FB. I have a personal friend on there who dumped his wife and is now dating his old high school girlfriend because of a FB connection.

Quote:
she wants me to show her how to password protect her PC, her email and other stuff
This isn't privacy. It is secrecy. Big difference. When a spouse starts doing this, it is because they are have something to hide.
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Old 20th November 2009, 5:53 PM   #10
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Thank you all for the info and support.

The only family that know about this right now are my Son and my Mom. Talking to people about it is the only think helping me keep my sanity right now.

We only had one child and he moved out about 2-3 years ago but lives in town. We spent the better part of today just supporting each other.

I am waiting for her to come home right now to see if she wants to talk about it. Wish me luck.

As far as her meds go , they are the same AFAIK. And as far as her father was concerned, the entire family barely shed a tear. I think I shed more than they did and I hardly knew him but he was a nice guy. Im just a softy on the inside that seems rough on the outside. Thats how I am.

One thing that I just remembered is that about 4 months ago she made the suggestion that we get divorced so she could collect her late husband's military retirement money. She said this with a smile on her face. I just now realized that if I did divorce her, his retirement check would essentially replace my bring home pay so she would be alright whereas I would be strugling financially in a divorce most likely.

I explained to her back then that if she did this we could not get each others retirment checks if one of us should die and we needed both checks to survive retirement. I never once thought that she could have been setting herself up a safety net. So yes I guess I was blind. That's what love is sometimes. I am a fool. She was planning on retiring in 2yrs and me in 3-5yrs. Now she tells me that she would rather just keep working and leave me.

One question, what if I refuse a divorce based on the fact that I think she has lost her sanity and needs my help. Can she get one anyway withought my signature?
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Old 20th November 2009, 6:07 PM   #11
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I was exactly where your wife is.. about 13 years ago.. with my first ex.. after 18 years living together ...

From what I read.. she simply doesn't love you anymore.. I know it's not easy for you.. but you'll survive... There is not much you can do about it..

She might, as LB said.. found someone on FB.. I don't know.. I'm not familiar with FB..

Take care of yourself... get ready for a divorce.. it won't get any better.

I doubt it's the medication, the mid-life crisis.. etc... it's life.. simply.
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Old 20th November 2009, 6:08 PM   #12
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One question, what if I refuse a divorce based on the fact that I think she has lost her sanity and needs my help. Can she get one anyway withought my signature?

I don't know where you live.. but here in Canada.. you don't need anyone's permission to divorce.. why would you want to live with someone who can't stand you?
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Old 20th November 2009, 6:13 PM   #13
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One question, what if I refuse a divorce based on the fact that I think she has lost her sanity and needs my help. Can she get one anyway withought my signature?

I don't know where you live.. but here in Canada.. you don't need anyone's permission to divorce.. why would you want to live with someone who can't stand you?
Because he won't be able to afford to retire in the next 5 yrs on his own retirement funds, he needs her there to kick in her retirement checks to stay afloat.
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Old 20th November 2009, 6:15 PM   #14
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Thank you all for the info and support.

The only family that know about this right now are my Son and my Mom. Talking to people about it is the only think helping me keep my sanity right now.

We only had one child and he moved out about 2-3 years ago but lives in town. We spent the better part of today just supporting each other.

I am waiting for her to come home right now to see if she wants to talk about it. Wish me luck.

As far as her meds go , they are the same AFAIK. And as far as her father was concerned, the entire family barely shed a tear. I think I shed more than they did and I hardly knew him but he was a nice guy. Im just a softy on the inside that seems rough on the outside. Thats how I am.

One thing that I just remembered is that about 4 months ago she made the suggestion that we get divorced so she could collect her late husband's military retirement money. She said this with a smile on her face. I just now realized that if I did divorce her, his retirement check would essentially replace my bring home pay so she would be alright whereas I would be strugling financially in a divorce most likely.

I explained to her back then that if she did this we could not get each others retirment checks if one of us should die and we needed both checks to survive retirement. I never once thought that she could have been setting herself up a safety net. So yes I guess I was blind. That's what love is sometimes. I am a fool. She was planning on retiring in 2yrs and me in 3-5yrs. Now she tells me that she would rather just keep working and leave me.

One question, what if I refuse a divorce based on the fact that I think she has lost her sanity and needs my help. Can she get one anyway withought my signature?


When somebody tells you they'd rather work for the rest of their lives than stay married to you, I'm sorry but I think it's over.

I think a lot of times what happens is that when suddenly retirement is looming straight ahead, it magnifies
any unhappiness a person might be feeling and the thought of having all sorts of extra time to spend with a spouse
you're no longer happy with doesn't look like the golden years you'd hoped for but more like a nitemare.

You're both fully employed, no dependent children, no alimony, no child support, you split your assets and move on.

Last edited by soserious1; 20th November 2009 at 6:19 PM..
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Old 20th November 2009, 6:20 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Lizzie60 View Post
One question, what if I refuse a divorce based on the fact that I think she has lost her sanity and needs my help. Can she get one anyway withought my signature?

I don't know where you live.. but here in Canada.. you don't need anyone's permission to divorce.. why would you want to live with someone who can't stand you?
I live in Texas so I didn't know. But what you said makes perfect sense.

Right now I feel ill most of the time. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I have fever and Im stressed for 24hrs now. My stomach hurts. Not sure if this is because I may be ill or if the stress is working on me.

When she gets here I am asking that she give me one year before divorcing me so I can change her mind or let her have a change of heart. If she wants to separate then I am willing to work with her on that. Maybe once she does this she will get a dose of reality.
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