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My husband's best friend is a woman who has blocked me on Facebook


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Old 17th November 2009, 6:20 PM   #16
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she's NOT your husband's best friend.. because if she was.. she would be completely transparent and she wouldn't cause HIM any hard time in his marriage.. yep ...

I've got both my best guy friend and his wife as Facebook contacts, and believe me, it's a VERY transparent relationship between me and him. Our relationship as a whole is like that – our spouses are privvy to our conversations and posts, and are cool with it. So much that they encourage us to spend time alone together just so we can hang out and have our heart-to-hearts like we've always had ... The way I see it, our best friends do everything possible to encourage and strengthen our relationships with our spouses and families, not pull stupid shxt like this woman is doing.

a red flag went up when you described her nasty responses to your request to be unblocked from Facebook – she's up to something. Or in a classic passive-agressive manner, is showing how much she hates him being married ...

not sure if your husband is being a jackass or is simply a blockhead, but he needs to respect AND stand up for your marriage by saying "if my wife's not welcome, then I'm not going to be a part of things." She might be his "best friend," but you're his wife, and y'alls relationship is much more primary than theirs is!
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Old 17th November 2009, 6:24 PM   #17
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I really like TBF's suggestion of your H letting you go on his account so you can see the 'conversation' and dynamtic between him and is so-called bestfriend.

I have afew questions for you.. How often do they get together? Are you included? Is she married and if so, is her husband or partner (if she isn't married) excluded like you are?
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Old 17th November 2009, 6:24 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by threebyfate View Post
I'm not certain why you're putting more onus on this best friend, rather than your husband.

Ask your husband to give you his sign-on and password. If he's got nothing to hide, he should be more than happy to give it to you. If he tells you he needs time to think about it, he's stalling so he can wipe out anything incriminating.
I agree with everyone including 3BF who says the hubby is hiding something, or that somehow the situation is not right.

However there are plenty of legitimate reasons for you not to have his password. He bought you a silly surprise gift through one of those weird FB applications. A childhood friend has cancer or HIV, which they've mentioned in messages and have requested complete discretion. The password is the same as a work password where he's signed legally binding non-disclosure agreements. Most of all - you're might be a bit sloppy online and get the password stolen by hackers, and thus ruin his account. People poo-poo such reasons but having seen the consequences of shared passwords in a previous life as a network admin it's rarely a good idea to share them, and he might have legitimate objections.

Like I said, not disagreeing overall with the advice given - I just think demanding an online password is not the best way to confront him. Confronting him on something he can legitimately object to will just cloud the issue. But definitely he needs to step up here.
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Old 17th November 2009, 6:27 PM   #19
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he needs to do two simple things

give you his fb password - this is not optional

tell her that if she wants to stay his friend she needs to be polite to you - if she cannot be polite to the most important person in his life she needs to leave his life



Quote:
Originally Posted by joanie View Post
She blocked me on Facebook and when I asked him why, he said she just liked her privacy and that no one except her friends could see her posts and comments.

When I pointed out that other people could see what she was posting to his page but not me, he finally asked her if she had blocked me. And she said yes. And she said if I had a problem with that I should email her directly. So I did. I wrote a nice letter letting her know I wanted to keep the ties between our families friendly and I wanted to support their friendship but I really needed everything to be transparent, including on FB. I didn't ask her to be a friend, I just thought it was reasonable to ask her to unblock me. She responded with a nasty accusatory email and so I stated plainly that I wanted her to unblock me and that it seemed shady for her to block me -- the wife -- from seeing anything she posted to his page but everyone else could see. Again, another nasty email.

Finally, I just said I didn't care anymore. But I really do. It feels like she is trying to pretend I don't exist and wants me to stay out of any of their conversations on FB. But my husband has me as a friend on FB and we regularly comment on each other's pages. I don't care if they talk on the phone or email or text ... they do and that's ok. But when it comes to a public site like Facebook and we both have our circle of friends which often overlap, how can it be ok for her to block me so I can't see her comments on my husband's page? Why does she think it's ok for all of my husband's friends to be able to see the comments but just not ME. She said she thinks I'm going to over react to what she says on his FB ... but I wonder why she thinks this ... is she posting stuff that may be taken the wrong way?

And what about my husband? Shouldn't he be defending me in all this? How can he be so close to her and be ok with her treating me like this?

I wish I could BLOCK her out of my life, but I can't. She's my husband's best friend and I just need to figure out a way to live with this. And with whatever the underlying issue is that REALLY is going on.

Maybe I'm overreacting.
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Old 17th November 2009, 6:46 PM   #20
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I hate Facebook for this very reason...But with that said
My husband has many many female "Friends" on his page. MANY! Periodically we go thru his list & he tells me who they are. Some I know - but there are a lot that I do not know. He also leaves the computer open to Facebook in the evenings. He doesn't hide it when I come in the room, etc.
I DO NOT think you are overreacting. She is not his friend or she would have more respect for you HIS WIFE. If he refuses to give you some sort of "peace with this"...then I'd agree - IF he's hiding her, there is something to hide.
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Old 17th November 2009, 6:56 PM   #21
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Yeah, this is total bs. One of my bfs is male, he is on my fb, and so is his wife. I actually initiated the adding her as a friend.

Your husband needs to step up and do the right thing, as he is the one who has her. If she is not willing to unblock you, he should block her, and if he is not willing to do that, something is not right in 'friendville'.
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Old 17th November 2009, 7:23 PM   #22
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Let me clear something up - has this woman once been your facebook friend, and then deleted you, or does she have privacy settings that exclude all non-friends, like you, me and and the rest of the world? Because the first is 'blocking' you in a suspicious/disrespectful way, the other is the same settings that I have on my facebook, and I'm not obliged to 'friend' every spouse of each female friend.
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Old 17th November 2009, 9:06 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by The Collector View Post
Let me clear something up - has this woman once been your facebook friend, and then deleted you, or does she have privacy settings that exclude all non-friends, like you, me and and the rest of the world? Because the first is 'blocking' you in a suspicious/disrespectful way, the other is the same settings that I have on my facebook, and I'm not obliged to 'friend' every spouse of each female friend.
Good point, especially now that I re-read "she just liked her privacy and that no one except her friends could see her posts and comments". That's very very different than blocking you.

If her settings are like mine, she can't unblock you without adding you as a friend, so your request to "unblock" her doesn't make sense. You might not realize that about facebook privacy, but if you let one non friend see your comments you basically have to let every non friend see them. It's not reasonable to ask her to be your facebook friend (as you point out), and it's also not reasonable to expect her to change her whole privacy settings just for you (which you might not realize). The reason her husband's friends can see her comments might that they are also FB friends with her, rather than she blocked you or singled you out in anyway. She might have facebook stalkers among her "friends of friends" and be understandably private.

If that's the case you blew it out of proportion and some apologies might be in order. What actually set this off? Did you see a particular post (something flirty and suggestive), or get suspicious just because you couldn't see things. Are you sure she said "I blocked you" as in you specifically, rather than saying something like "yeah you're blocked" as in you and the rest of the world?
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Old 17th November 2009, 9:18 PM   #24
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hold on here

You didn't blow anything out of proportion. I am a married MAN in a 20+ year happy marriage. None of this would be an issue if your husband had simply told you that you could have 100 percent open access to his fb account. It is that simple. It requires no heroic acts, no cooperation from others etc.

If he thinks doing that is somehow violating her privacy that is nonsense for the following reasons:
- She is either posting stuff for all her friends to see - which means that she is letting many people know about it which means it just is not THAT private. Once you tell more then 2 people something it isn't a secret anymore.
- She is contacting him directly about stuff. AS HIS WIFE YOU ARE FULLY ENTITLED TO SEE ANY ONE ON ONE COMMUNICATION SHE HAS WITH HIM.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Ody View Post
Good point, especially now that I re-read "she just liked her privacy and that no one except her friends could see her posts and comments". That's very very different than blocking you.

If her settings are like mine, she can't unblock you without adding you as a friend, so your request to "unblock" her doesn't make sense. You might not realize that about facebook privacy, but if you let one non friend see your comments you basically have to let every non friend see them. It's not reasonable to ask her to be your facebook friend (as you point out), and it's also not reasonable to expect her to change her whole privacy settings just for you (which you might not realize). The reason her husband's friends can see her comments might that they are also FB friends with her, rather than she blocked you or singled you out in anyway. She might have facebook stalkers among her "friends of friends" and be understandably private.

If that's the case you blew it out of proportion and some apologies might be in order. What actually set this off? Did you see a particular post (something flirty and suggestive), or get suspicious just because you couldn't see things. Are you sure she said "I blocked you" as in you specifically, rather than saying something like "yeah you're blocked" as in you and the rest of the world?
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Old 17th November 2009, 9:27 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by mem11363 View Post
If he thinks doing that is somehow violating her privacy that is nonsense for the following reasons:
I see you quoted my post but did you even read the reasons I listed for not sharing passwords? None of them had anything to do with the other woman's privacy. I really have fixed quite a few computers because someone gave their password to a roommate or boyfriend or whoever. The one time I shared a password with a GF, it was phished by ebay scammers a week later. Or let's say you share a password, and notice a few emails are missing later. Is it a server problem, or is hubby/wifey doing some crazy and sloppy snooping? Don't want to have that unpleasant discussion or nagging doubt? Well then don't share your password.

It's just not a good idea in some cases. Or at least, those of us who do or have dealt with password security for a living often feel that way for reasons that can't be shrugged off as "nonsense".

There's nothing wrong with her asking him to login so she can take a look, and do so without stalling so he can't clean up evidence. It's the password sharing issue for me. And if her hubby works in IT, he might have the same reaction for similar reasons - reasons that have nothing to do with this other woman.

Last edited by Ody; 17th November 2009 at 9:30 PM..
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Old 17th November 2009, 9:32 PM   #26
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that makes sense

Ody,
I think that is a workable option. It is not quite as good since he can receive send private msgs and immediately delete both when it is alone but he can also create a totally separate gmail acct she knows nothing about to accomplish same.

Did not mean to misquote you in any way.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ody View Post
I see you quoted my post but did you even read the reasons I listed for not sharing passwords? None of them had anything to do with the other woman's privacy. I really have fixed quite a few computers because someone gave their password to a roommate or boyfriend or whoever. The one time I shared a password with a GF, it was phished by ebay scammers a week later. Or let's say you share a password, and notice a few emails are missing later. Is it a server problem, or is hubby/wifey doing some crazy and sloppy snooping? Don't want to have that unpleasant discussion or nagging doubt? Well then don't share your password.

It's just not a good idea in some cases. Or at least, those of us who do or have dealt with password security for a living often feel that way for reasons that can't be shrugged off as "nonsense".

There's nothing wrong with her asking him to login so she can take a look, and do so without stalling so he can clean up evidence. It's the password issue for me, not the privacy issue. And if her hubby works in IT, he might have the same reaction, for reasons that have nothing to do with this other woman.
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Old 17th November 2009, 9:32 PM   #27
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I agree with the other posters, but no need to play little games. Simply tell your husband that this makes you uncomfortable, you have tried to politely ask to be "friended" by her only to be treated nastily, which in turn makes you even MORE uncomfortable about their relationship. In order to nip any bad feelings in the bud and feel better about the whole thing, you request his login information and if he wants to inform his "best friend" that you have access to his account, he may do so after you check it out.

You are his wife and to be treated rudely about something that is a reasonable request is very odd. You have every right to be involved in this relationship he has with her, just as he has a right to be involved in friendship you have with others.

Do not let this slide, this is (as others have said) a red flag and easily remedied by complete openness.
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Old 17th November 2009, 9:40 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mem11363 View Post
Ody,
I think that is a workable option. It is not quite as good since he can receive send private msgs and immediately delete both when it is alone but he can also create a totally separate gmail acct she knows nothing about to accomplish same.

Did not mean to misquote you in any way.
Thanks for clarification.

I still think collector's comment was better than mine anyway. This may be something out of nothing due to misunderstandings of FB privacy policy. Too many people condemning the hubby without enough info really for a good recommendation either way. It was my initial thought too but really the first post is ambiguous on a close read.

Last edited by Ody; 17th November 2009 at 9:48 PM..
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Old 18th November 2009, 10:06 AM   #29
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If my male BF was married, I'd be sending his wife birthday cards and I'd darn sure have her as a friend on FB. If someone respects the friendship then they would go out of their way make the spouses comfortable. She disrespects you and there is a reason for that. Forget passwords, this friendship is not good for your marriage and should end. She certainly had a chance to act like a reasonable adult but chose to act like a selfish child. Ask him not to contact her any more.
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Old 18th November 2009, 11:19 AM   #30
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Facebook is supposed to be a FUN networking website. Why does your husband have it tied to a private/business email account? That's BS if you ask me.

He should NOT let this woman Block you from seeing posts she has made on his page. IF she is blocking ONLY you from seeing her posts on his page - HE NEEDS TO UN-FRIEND her Pronto!! That is extremely disrespectful. Unless there is an underlying reason you aren't aware of just yet. (sorry to say)
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