Yet Another "Lost Attraction for Husband" thread

[SimplyBeingLoved]

Hello,

 

I'm new here but have been lurking on this and other marriage forums.

 

My marriage has a number of issues. We've drifted apart, there's some minor addiction stuff (on his part), etc. It's obvious why the marriage hasn't been working well for some time. I recently initiated setting up MC, and my hubby agreed to go. We've been to a couple of sessions. So far, so good, but I can see it's going to be a process, no quick fix.

 

Whether the "issues" in the marriage can all be resolved satisfactorily, I don't know. Certainly improvement can be made. But here is my main question. Despite the issues, I am no longer romantically/sexually attracted to my husband. I love him, but as a friend. I have no desire to touch, kiss, or make love with him. It's not because I'm repulsed by him. His looks are fine, good even; he hasn't gained a large amount of weight, nor lost his hair, or anything like that over the 15+ years of marriage. It's just that he really feels like a good friend, or relative, not a lover.

 

My question is: Is there a likelihood of this changing? I feel it will not, but I also know sometimes one can be in a position of feeling like you will never feel a certain way again, but then you do. For example, a depressed person might not be able to imagine feeling happy until their depression lifts.

 

Are there stories here where women who felt this way turned things around after putting effort into the marriage with counseling and reconnecting?

 

Thanks in advance for your replies.

[hopeful1980]

I was in a similar situation with my husband. He was very depressed and started drinking a lot. I lost respect for him during that time and it caused me to not be attracted to him anymore.

 

Do you have respect for your husband?

[whichwayisup]

Once MC goes along and you and your H start reconnecting again, I am sure that you will feel intimacy towards him again. With woman especially, when resentment builds up over time, we close down and that affects not only our minds, but our bodies. You obviously love your husband, but have been unhappy for a while due to problems/issues in your marriage.

 

Give it time and don't think too far ahead. Take each day as it comes and try to remember WHY you fell inlove with him years ago.

 

Go out on a fun date and be silly, and laugh. Reconnect again..

[bloggervenus]

I strongly recommend reading "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel. It is a great book. The really short summary of the message (which doesn't do it justice by any means) is that what creates sexual or romantic desire is a bit of separation. In fact the author talks about how intimacy and desire go against one another. When two people become one, there is no space for desire to flow.

I suggest that you both read the book. I am sure it will give you some good ideas on how to get the desire flowing again. IMO, date nights and stuff like that do not work. You need to be able to look at him like a new person that is full of surprises and mysteries. You need to be less close to him and less certain about him. It needs work on both sides, but I think it can be done. I believe that if accomplished, it is a great personal development step.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

Thank you all for your responses

 

Hopeful, I think my husband, despite issues, is a good, well-meaning, intelligent person; in that way I respect him. However, I don't "admire" him; he tends to look to me to lead the way in a lot of areas. He is often so questioning on what he should do, it makes me feel like I'm his mom rather than his wife.

 

Blogger, my one concern is that we ALREADY have drifted apart, we are very lacking in intimacy, so, being less close to him would essentially mean something along the lines of separation.

 

I strongly recommend reading "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel. ... IMO, date nights and stuff like that do not work. You need to be able to look at him like a new person that is full of surprises and mysteries. You need to be less close to him and less certain about him. It

[hopeful1980]

Thank you all for your responses

 

Hopeful, I think my husband, despite issues, is a good, well-meaning, intelligent person; in that way I respect him. However, I don't "admire" him; he tends to look to me to lead the way in a lot of areas. He is often so questioning on what he should do, it makes me feel like I'm his mom rather than his wife.

 

Oh can I ever relate to this. When my husband and I were having our worst problems, I constantly felt overwhelmed by the amount of responsibility I felt he should be handling. I really wanted to defer to his wisdom on most things, but he refused to take the lead.

 

What I learned is that I had control issues. I wanted him to take the lead, but I didn't want to let go of the position. So now, I just let him do it. I tell him what I want and let him get it for me. I don't tell him how to get it or how long it should take, I just trust him that he's capable enough to get it done. Basically, I trust him.

[mem11363]

In what areas does he want you to lead the way?

 

Do you feel he avoids wearing the stress in difficult situations/difficult decisions?

 

Is he in a way timid/fearful/hesitant?

 

Was he always like this or did he have more dominant/more leadership type behavior in the beginning?

 

 

 

Thank you all for your responses

 

Hopeful, I think my husband, despite issues, is a good, well-meaning, intelligent person; in that way I respect him. However, I don't "admire" him; he tends to look to me to lead the way in a lot of areas. He is often so questioning on what he should do, it makes me feel like I'm his mom rather than his wife.

 

Blogger, my one concern is that we ALREADY have drifted apart, we are very lacking in intimacy, so, being less close to him would essentially mean something along the lines of separation.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

In what areas does he want you to lead the way?

 

Do you feel he avoids wearing the stress in difficult situations/difficult decisions?

 

Is he in a way timid/fearful/hesitant?

 

Was he always like this or did he have more dominant/more leadership type behavior in the beginning?

 

In a variety of areas. Sometimes it's as simple as which brand of "XYZ" he should choose from the store. He can't decide, and gives me an inquisitive look, meaning, he wants me to decide for him. In bigger areas too; although he is the breadwinner, I tend to be the one who paves the way toward changes we make in the household.

 

Yes, he definitely avoids wearing the stress. He tends to avoid, or "go with the flow." He will take a harder stance (e.g. with kids) but only when he sees I'm doing that too.

 

I would say he can be very hesitant, yes. Just prefers to go with the flow in terms of the relationship/family. He has addictive tendencies that cause him to "tune out". He's always been like this.

[bloggervenus]

Thank you all for your responses

 

Hopeful, I think my husband, despite issues, is a good, well-meaning, intelligent person; in that way I respect him. However, I don't "admire" him; he tends to look to me to lead the way in a lot of areas. He is often so questioning on what he should do, it makes me feel like I'm his mom rather than his wife.

 

Blogger, my one concern is that we ALREADY have drifted apart, we are very lacking in intimacy, so, being less close to him would essentially mean something along the lines of separation.

 

I see.. looks like he needs to take charge and earn your respect again. Have you ever talked to him about this?

[mem11363]

How much does it bother him that you are not attracted to him?

 

How long has he been sexually frustrated - if he even is?

 

How motivated do you feel he is to change just to improve the marriage?

 

What do you think it would do for you if he got good at saying:

 

"I will take care of that for you" - and then his follow through was strong and everything automagically got done.

 

But there is clearly more to this story. What types of issues are caused by his addictive personality? You said he tunes out, what does that mean?

 

Is he fun to be with? Do you two really click?

 

Does he suggest new things to you: Lets rent Segways this weekend and find out what they are like to drive. Lets go target shooting....

 

Are you interested in someone else in particular?

 

If not, do you in general still find men - other men - attractive, and still think about sex?

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a variety of areas. Sometimes it's as simple as which brand of "XYZ" he should choose from the store. He can't decide, and gives me an inquisitive look, meaning, he wants me to decide for him. In bigger areas too; although he is the breadwinner, I tend to be the one who paves the way toward changes we make in the household.

 

Yes, he definitely avoids wearing the stress. He tends to avoid, or "go with the flow." He will take a harder stance (e.g. with kids) but only when he sees I'm doing that too.

 

I would say he can be very hesitant, yes. Just prefers to go with the flow in terms of the relationship/family. He has addictive tendencies that cause him to "tune out". He's always been like this.

[Cobra_X]

My question is: Is there a likelihood of this changing? I feel it will not, but I also know sometimes one can be in a position of feeling like you will never feel a certain way again, but then you do. For example, a depressed person might not be able to imagine feeling happy until their depression lifts.

 

I can tell you for sure that if you believe it won't happen... then it won't.

 

Let your husband take the lead on things.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

How much does it bother him that you are not attracted to him?

 

I honestly don't know. I was the one who told him I was unhappy with the way things were going in our marriage, and initiated counseling. So maybe it has bothered him less than it bothered me?

 

How long has he been sexually frustrated - if he even is?

I think he uses online porn to deal with things.

How motivated do you feel he is to change just to improve the marriage?

He's willingly gone to counseling and we're both trying to do the "homework". So, moderately motivated. He doesn't want a separation, which I was contemplating (not so much because lack of attraction, but because of other issues and overall distancing).

What do you think it would do for you if he got good at saying:

"I will take care of that for you" - and then his follow through was strong and everything automagically got done.

It would be great, although a bit hard for me to imagine.

But there is clearly more to this story. What types of issues are caused by his addictive personality? You said he tunes out, what does that mean?

He has a tendency to drink to excess, which causes him to not be available, fall asleep on the couch, floor, etc. If he is not drinking, he'll probably smoke some pot.

Is he fun to be with? Do you two really click?

 

Does he suggest new things to you: Lets rent Segways this weekend and find out what they are like to drive. Lets go target shooting....

He's somewhat fun at times, we get along well... in a "friendly" way. In the past few years, any new things he suggests are almost always for the family (us + kids) not for us as a couple.

Are you interested in someone else in particular?

If not, do you in general still find men - other men - attractive, and still think about sex?

Not anyone actually attainable. I do find men attractive, but I don't get out much, so, it's mostly projections and fantasies.

[giotto]

well, seems to me that he could never handle the (family) pressure very much and he is now self-medicating... it's a form of escapism. he is just dealing with the situation in his own way... You don't say if you have children or not, or how old both of you are. You've drifted apart... it happens, but maybe MC will reinstate that spark... you never know!

Having said that, drinking too much and falling asleep on the floor doesn't seem "minor addiction" to me... does he do it regularly, or every night?