Jump to content

Not at all attracted to my wonderful husband!


Recommended Posts

Ok, I feel ridiculous even admitting all of this to strangers online but I have no one to talk to in the real world.

 

I was previously married to a man who was emotionally abusive and turned out to be a pedophile. The emotional abuse was awful, but I had become so isolated I didn't know how to escape until I found his stash of horrific images. Needless to say, I turned him in to the authorities and ended that marriage ASAP. Weeks after I discovered my ex-husband's "problem", I ran into an old friend from school. He was a divorced dad of two, a wonderful father, and all around good man. Although I was not attracted to him (and told him so), he assured me I would learn to be and that he loved me enough for both of us. I was desperately seeking stability, and he absolutely provided me with that, and still does.

 

We had a horrible sex life from day one. His previous sexual experience was very limited. He is done before he starts, so to say. I don't think he has ever been able to hold out for even a full minute, and he knows that it disappoints me. Because of this, he was always hesitant to initiate any physical contact. At first I did not mind because with my lack of attraction to him, it was nice not to have any pressure on me to engage in sex. Eventually I started asking for sex more and more, and he would avoid it at all costs. This went on for about seven years, during which we got married. Why? The stability to me was very attractive. He did try different medications to try and help his issue, but to no avail. During this time we averaged having sex about once every 3-4 months.

 

Fast forward to this past Spring. I have an attractive male friend who I have been friends with for a number of years. He is married and as far as I knew was happy. We went out one night to a public event (I brought my teenage son along) and at some point we looked at each other and there was electricity like I have never felt before for anyone. It was the most bizarre exchange I have ever encountered. Like I said, we had previously been friends, and that was ALL.

 

My friend and I began talking on a regular basis and becoming entangled in what I believe is termed an "emotional affair." Nothing physical ever happened, although I sure thought about it. After about 6 weeks, we both realized that we could not continue on like this, and stopped talking. I also told my husband what had happened, and my friend told his wife. Although we remain friendly, we have no regular contact. Both our spouses have forbidden us to continue our friendship, which I understand. When we do see one another because of business, he tells me how much he misses me, etc., and I remind him that we need to keep it on the "up & up." I miss him tremendously This whole incident is what reminded me that I need, long for, and wish for real physical attraction and chemistry with a man. Once my husband knew what had happened, he did a total turn around and started asking for sex constantly. Unfortunately, that just makes me feel worse.

 

My husband and I began couples therapy soon afterward. Things have improved in many areas, but I still cannot figure out how to become attracted to him. For so long it didn't matter to me, but now it does. I cringe when he tries to kiss me. I can't stand the thought of him touching me. I want to feel attracted to him so we can make our marriage whole.

 

Overall, our marriage is a good one. He is a good, solid man who is an excellent father to all four of our mutual children - two from his first marriage, one from mine and one happy accident together. I realize how lucky I am to have a husband who adores me. He tells me every day I could be a stand in for a young Heather Locklear. He reminds me that I have (in his words) a great body and that I weigh what I did in High School, even after having the kids. He sees other men check me out and loves to "show me off." This should make me happy, but I just roll my eyes. From the outside, we have the perfect lives. My husband is also very attractive - tall, dark and handsome. But it just does not work for me, I think based on more of his personality than anything else.

 

I am not looking for criticism; trust me I beat myself up WAY more than anyone else could. I want so badly for my marriage to work but I just don't know how to get over my lack of desire for my husband. I have tried alcohol, and while that works, I don't really want to end up in AA over this. And this is not a problem with my overall desire; I want sex, just not from him.

 

If anyone has any insight, suggestions, etc it would be greatly appreciated. I am willing to try anything within the bounds of legality to make this work. I see no point in ripping apart our children's worlds unless I literally cannot possibly stay. Thanks for not judging and for reading this VERY long post!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the major issue in this post is that your husband is inept sexually. I think that's a turnoff to most women. If he has no stamina, he certainly can't be satisfing you through intercourse. Does he satisfy you in other ways sexually? Do you envision a time when you will ever be turned on by him?

Link to post
Share on other sites

if you were not attracted to him in the beginning,i don't see that ever turning around. if there's no spark-there's just no spark, i don't have a answer for you cause i can relate to your problem. hopefully others on here will.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My husband and I began couples therapy soon afterward. Things have improved in many areas, but I still cannot figure out how to become attracted to him. For so long it didn't matter to me, but now it does. I cringe when he tries to kiss me. I can't stand the thought of him touching me. I want to feel attracted to him so we can make our marriage whole.

 

How ugly is the guy? Is it something that can be fixed with plastic surgery?

 

You can only force attraction so far.

Link to post
Share on other sites
wantingpassion

BarbiLaw, a few things....the fact that you are obviously in love with the other man, your "emotional affair" will make it impossible to work this out with your husband. You have already checked out, you just have to admit it to yourself. Just because your husband is a wonderful man doesn't make him wonderful for you. If he is as "tall dark and handsome" and "wonderful" as you say he will be snatched up as soon as you release him and be happy with someone else who will appreciate him. Even his short comings and will want to kiss him and be touched by him. You can't be in love with someone else and keep him too. You can't have your cake and eat it too as they say.

 

You still see your "affair"? Every time he tells you he misses you and loves you, etc. it keeps the affair going. You love hearing it don't you? You want to be with him don't you? Has he left you voicemails you replay just to hear his voice? Then you go home to your husband and think about your "affair". Is that fair to your husband? C'mon now.

 

You cannot make yourself be attracted to him just because you want to. You are being selfish holding on to him because you feel bad. If you truly love the guy, let him go and tell him the truth. It will hurt but you will be allowing him to go find someone who will appreciate him. Do you know how many women would want a tall dark handsome wonderful man?

 

Do the right thing and stop stringing your husband along. It is a selfish thing to do to play with his emotions like that.

 

Hey, you asked.

Link to post
Share on other sites

B,

Your post is honest and heartfelt. Can you write down a list or personality traits you are attracted to - perhaps those of the fellow you desired, and then write down your husbands profile.

 

Is it possible that there are things he can do differently that might help the situation? Have you ever taught him how to kiss you?

 

There is something called I do, you do. So you kiss him the way you want him to kiss you. You touch him the way you want him to touch you.

 

Can he last long enough to bring you over the edge now?

 

Is he just to gentle and soft? Does he need to have more of an edge?

 

 

 

Ok, I feel ridiculous even admitting all of this to strangers online but I have no one to talk to in the real world.

 

I was previously married to a man who was emotionally abusive and turned out to be a pedophile. The emotional abuse was awful, but I had become so isolated I didn't know how to escape until I found his stash of horrific images. Needless to say, I turned him in to the authorities and ended that marriage ASAP. Weeks after I discovered my ex-husband's "problem", I ran into an old friend from school. He was a divorced dad of two, a wonderful father, and all around good man. Although I was not attracted to him (and told him so), he assured me I would learn to be and that he loved me enough for both of us. I was desperately seeking stability, and he absolutely provided me with that, and still does.

 

We had a horrible sex life from day one. His previous sexual experience was very limited. He is done before he starts, so to say. I don't think he has ever been able to hold out for even a full minute, and he knows that it disappoints me. Because of this, he was always hesitant to initiate any physical contact. At first I did not mind because with my lack of attraction to him, it was nice not to have any pressure on me to engage in sex. Eventually I started asking for sex more and more, and he would avoid it at all costs. This went on for about seven years, during which we got married. Why? The stability to me was very attractive. He did try different medications to try and help his issue, but to no avail. During this time we averaged having sex about once every 3-4 months.

 

Fast forward to this past Spring. I have an attractive male friend who I have been friends with for a number of years. He is married and as far as I knew was happy. We went out one night to a public event (I brought my teenage son along) and at some point we looked at each other and there was electricity like I have never felt before for anyone. It was the most bizarre exchange I have ever encountered. Like I said, we had previously been friends, and that was ALL.

 

My friend and I began talking on a regular basis and becoming entangled in what I believe is termed an "emotional affair." Nothing physical ever happened, although I sure thought about it. After about 6 weeks, we both realized that we could not continue on like this, and stopped talking. I also told my husband what had happened, and my friend told his wife. Although we remain friendly, we have no regular contact. Both our spouses have forbidden us to continue our friendship, which I understand. When we do see one another because of business, he tells me how much he misses me, etc., and I remind him that we need to keep it on the "up & up." I miss him tremendously This whole incident is what reminded me that I need, long for, and wish for real physical attraction and chemistry with a man. Once my husband knew what had happened, he did a total turn around and started asking for sex constantly. Unfortunately, that just makes me feel worse.

 

My husband and I began couples therapy soon afterward. Things have improved in many areas, but I still cannot figure out how to become attracted to him. For so long it didn't matter to me, but now it does. I cringe when he tries to kiss me. I can't stand the thought of him touching me. I want to feel attracted to him so we can make our marriage whole.

 

Overall, our marriage is a good one. He is a good, solid man who is an excellent father to all four of our mutual children - two from his first marriage, one from mine and one happy accident together. I realize how lucky I am to have a husband who adores me. He tells me every day I could be a stand in for a young Heather Locklear. He reminds me that I have (in his words) a great body and that I weigh what I did in High School, even after having the kids. He sees other men check me out and loves to "show me off." This should make me happy, but I just roll my eyes. From the outside, we have the perfect lives. My husband is also very attractive - tall, dark and handsome. But it just does not work for me, I think based on more of his personality than anything else.

 

I am not looking for criticism; trust me I beat myself up WAY more than anyone else could. I want so badly for my marriage to work but I just don't know how to get over my lack of desire for my husband. I have tried alcohol, and while that works, I don't really want to end up in AA over this. And this is not a problem with my overall desire; I want sex, just not from him.

 

If anyone has any insight, suggestions, etc it would be greatly appreciated. I am willing to try anything within the bounds of legality to make this work. I see no point in ripping apart our children's worlds unless I literally cannot possibly stay. Thanks for not judging and for reading this VERY long post!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sex for (most) women is (mostly) to do with the mind much more than the body... All the time you are telling (reminding) yourself that you don't find him attractive and that you have a problem with him, then you will continue to have a problem...

 

I've not been in this situation, so I am not speaking from experience - but think outside the Western way of living for a minute, and remember arranged marriages... It sounds like that is what you have got...! You have a fabulous husband and father, and you are committed to making the relationship work, and to being a good wife and mother...

 

Well, good. That's a good start. But remember that a lot of advice on here will be from devotees of the western-model, where if it doesn't "feel good" then you throw it away and start again... Sounds like you're choosing not to go that route, so don't get confused (distracted) by those comments...

 

Have the two of you ever bought a sex book together...? Something basic...? Have you taken penetration 'off the table' and decided to spend a month (or whatever) having fun without that in the way...? There's an awful lot of fun a girl can have without penetration :)

 

Look into CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) - and have a think about acting 'as if' for a while... Act 'as if' you were attracted to him (and this is where taking penetration out of the equation for a short while might make this easier to do without feeling too much pressure)... What would you do if you found him attractive - maybe smile at him, ruffle his hair when you walk past, sit cuddling while watching TV, make a bit of lingering eye-contact... It's simple stuff, when you break it down...

Link to post
Share on other sites
wantingpassion

I wanted to say I was sorry if my previous post sounded harsh Barbi, your story hit too close to home. My husband fell in love with someone he does business with "emotionally" and wants to remain married to me, but is no longer attracted to me. I try to kiss or hug him and he tries to reciprocate, but I can tell he does not want to. I am sure your husband can tell that about you too. Good for you that you are trying to make it work. I have had honest discussions with my husband recently and he has admitted that he still loves this woman, after denying it to me and himself for so long.

 

I didn't mean to sound harsh, I just know from experience and my husband finally being honest with himself and me that as long as you have any contact with your affair, you are doomed to failure. He has broken off all contact with this woman in hopes of taking away the distraction. He says she still tries to call him but he does not return the calls. He is now changing his number so he does not even get the voice mails. He has asked that the woman stop calling but she abides by his wishes for a few days, then calls saying she misses him and the problem starts all over again. He is reminded he misses her...you know exactly what I mean.

 

If he fails it will not be because he didn't try, but what I was trying to say to you is what my husband fails to realize. Knowing that he is not attracted to me and he has to force himself to be affectionate takes a little piece of my self worth away each day. I am told I am attractive, just not to him. Is your husband losing his self worth because of this? Take it from my experience it will begin to affect him at his job as well. It is all tied together.

 

You have gotten great feedback, some of which I may relay to my own husband for him to try as he will try anything to be attracted to me again. Just keep in mind that you may be destroying your husbands self worth. If it doesn't work out he needs to have self confidence to move on, and you are taking that away.

 

Good luck Barbi, I will let you know if cutting the ties 100% with the woman makes it better for my husband, or if it just makes him realize he just wants her. It is our last gamble.

Edited by wantingpassion
because I can't spell
Link to post
Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic

the problem is however the issues the OP needs to face about her first marriage and as wonderful as her new husband is, their marriage that has been under a cloud since day 1. She says she was not attracted, was told by him that eventually she would, which has not happened, a disastrous sex life, which has been really very seldom explored or truly attacked.

 

I would seek IC and MC and sooner rather than later.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I wanted to say I was sorry if my previous post sounded harsh Barbi, your story hit too close to home. My husband fell in love with someone he does business with "emotionally" and wants to remain married to me, but is no longer attracted to me. I try to kiss or hug him and he tries to reciprocate, but I can tell he does not want to.

 

You have gotten great feedback, some of which I may relay to my own husband for him to try as he will try anything to be attracted to me again.

 

Hi WP... I have to say, if it's a guy experiencing this 'loss of attraction', I'd be inclined to make more of a goal /campaign out of it... Would you be comfortable with something along the lines of an extended role-play, of 'reluctant virgin' (with you playing the starring role, of course)...

 

Tailor it to suit your own purposes, but something like: "For the next x weeks I will be saying no to your every advance, because I am pure and unsullied, and you have to wage a war, much like you would have done as a teenage boy, to try and get me to give in." You could even award prizes for orgasms (which he will have to *work* for - you are 'pure and reluctant' don't forget - say no sometimes, but say it in that way that kinda means yes - you remember being young and frustrating the boys, don't you :D!!) - kinda like a grown-up star chart :) Get creative, get a little silly, have a bit of fun with it - but make it require a serious campaign on his part.

 

The aim is to get him thinking about you... a lot... And it kinda fulfils those things the "books" say about men needing to be the pursuer, without you feeling like you're psych-gaming with him - coz this is an upfront game, being played together...

 

Could this work for you...?

Edited by seoa
Link to post
Share on other sites
wantingpassion

Thanks SEOA, I will try anything. the fact that he has changed his number and cut all ties with the woman was a big deal for me. Now I believe he wants this to work. When he used to say he missed her as a friend, it never felt he was REALLY trying. I will try to let you know if your suggestions work.

 

Sorry Barbi, I hijacked your thread!

 

Hope all these comments from these wonderful people have been a help to you.

 

I wanted to add for you Barbi, that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. From your OP, it sounds like you are IN love with your "emotional affair" and love your husband. Try to be IN love with your hubby. and cut ALL TIES with the affair.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Barbi, I just found this site and your wonderful post. Thank you for being so honest. I too am in the same situation as you are. Honestly if anyone had told me I would be attracted to my emotional affair over my husband I would tell them they are crazy! I never expected to be in this situation but here I (we) are. I have spend a little time reading other posts on this site and found them helpful, and they opened my eyes to the fact I have been fooling myself. I tell myself I haven't done anything wrong because I never had intercourse with him. But I did do something wrong, I cheated. If my husband knew I was in love with the other man, he would agree. I agree now too. The guilt is overwhelming now that I see I was unfaithful. Telling myself I didn't do anything wrong kept me from realizing what I had done. What I am still doing.

 

Daily I tell "him" not to call me, he does anyway. Once I hear his voice I either call a friend to distract me or I call him. I call even though I know I shouldn't. I say OK, I need to call him, he needs me. Just an excuse. I see now he uses every excuse to stay in my life. He does not respect my wishes to stay away and allow me to mend my marriage.

 

I read wantingpassion's comments and I have to now agree. I need to cut all ties.

 

Maybe my lack of attraction for my husband (who I am told by all my friends is very attractive) is because I haven't cut off the other guy. He is a distraction.

 

I am not a bad person, I just made a bad choice and I need to fix it.

 

I hope my self discovery from reading this site helps you. I hope my husband forgives me. I denied having an affair to him because we never had intercourse. We hugged, and kissed. Now I see I did and I hope I can fix the mess I made.

 

Good luck Barbi, let us know how it works out for you.:)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

There has been some great suggestions and feedback posted - thank you! Wantingpassion - I feel so bad for you in your situation. I am not at all offended by what you wrote, and wish I could do something to make things better for you. I do NOT want to hurt my husband's self-worth at all. As I stated before, he is an outstanding person.

 

I do not currently have any contact with my "affair" other than what is required of me in a business context, and that is limited to a few minutes a week and NEVER alone. For me, it only made sense to not have contact if I was truly going to work on my marriage. I'm not going to lie - that has been hard to deal with, especially since we were already friends and he is a really good, down to earth person. However, I need to focus on my family and not add even more confusion to the issue. Plus, I do respect his family and his wife and do not want to be the cause of more pain than I already have.

 

I have also sought the advice off an individual counselor which has been great. I am realizing that my lack of passion towards my husband has much more to do with personality traits of his than anything physical. For instance, he loves to call and talk to me several times a day. Although I appreciate his affection, I feel smothered all the time. He would spend every minute of every day with me if I let him and he has always been that way. So I am now giving him specific examples of what I need, and what I need to change. I am just praying that it works.

 

I really like the idea of viewing this as an arranged marriage - they have a much better success rate than our Western tradition! That gives me hope that there are ways to work on things. I am going to immediately give the "fake it 'til you make it" attitude a try. A hug here, sitting close on the couch, etc. It can't hurt, right?

 

I do truly want my marriage to succeed. I dread the idea of another divorce, another unstable period in my life and frankly, losing my husband as a partner. We make a great team, and genuinely love one another. Yes, I have fallen "in love" with someone else, but that needs to be put aside. It's easy to be in love with someone when you don't have to wash their underwear! Real love is more than that, and requires more give and take.

 

Do I think my marriage will make it in the end? I have no idea. But I do know I will continue to try, to take all the great advice that has been given here, and to think about how this type of situation has made Wantingpassion feel. I do not want someone out there to feel like that because of actions I have selfishly taken. And the hard work this will take doesn't scare me nearly as much as failure does.

 

Take care everyone - thank you for all you have offered.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are showing a very high level of commitment.

 

Emotionally crowding someone is one of the leading killers of passion. His "need" to connect with you more then you want to be connected with is harmful.

 

I have a good understanding of how much emotional space my wife wants from me - and I give her a little bit more then that. Gives her room to chase me. I am not cold - nor do I ignore her when we are together. But at night after dinner - when she is home I do my own thing unless she invites me to do something. Whenever she mentions doing anything with a friend I happily tell her to have a great time. If she says she will be gone 2 hours - and it gets to be 4 hours - I don't call her and ask when she is coming home. When she gets back I never give her grief about being longer then planned. Being needy is just so lame.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There has been some great suggestions and feedback posted - thank you! Wantingpassion - I feel so bad for you in your situation. I am not at all offended by what you wrote, and wish I could do something to make things better for you. I do NOT want to hurt my husband's self-worth at all. As I stated before, he is an outstanding person.

 

I do not currently have any contact with my "affair" other than what is required of me in a business context, and that is limited to a few minutes a week and NEVER alone. For me, it only made sense to not have contact if I was truly going to work on my marriage. I'm not going to lie - that has been hard to deal with, especially since we were already friends and he is a really good, down to earth person. However, I need to focus on my family and not add even more confusion to the issue. Plus, I do respect his family and his wife and do not want to be the cause of more pain than I already have.

 

I have also sought the advice off an individual counselor which has been great. I am realizing that my lack of passion towards my husband has much more to do with personality traits of his than anything physical. For instance, he loves to call and talk to me several times a day. Although I appreciate his affection, I feel smothered all the time. He would spend every minute of every day with me if I let him and he has always been that way. So I am now giving him specific examples of what I need, and what I need to change. I am just praying that it works.

 

I really like the idea of viewing this as an arranged marriage - they have a much better success rate than our Western tradition! That gives me hope that there are ways to work on things. I am going to immediately give the "fake it 'til you make it" attitude a try. A hug here, sitting close on the couch, etc. It can't hurt, right?

 

I do truly want my marriage to succeed. I dread the idea of another divorce, another unstable period in my life and frankly, losing my husband as a partner. We make a great team, and genuinely love one another. Yes, I have fallen "in love" with someone else, but that needs to be put aside. It's easy to be in love with someone when you don't have to wash their underwear! Real love is more than that, and requires more give and take.

 

Do I think my marriage will make it in the end? I have no idea. But I do know I will continue to try, to take all the great advice that has been given here, and to think about how this type of situation has made Wantingpassion feel. I do not want someone out there to feel like that because of actions I have selfishly taken. And the hard work this will take doesn't scare me nearly as much as failure does.

 

Take care everyone - thank you for all you have offered.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Barbi

 

I truly sympathetize with your situation. I also have a great guy for a husband, but I am finally realizing that he is not "great for me". Sixteen years together, eight married and 2 kids and I have now come to terms with the fact that I married him out of gratitude. He was much more into me than I was into him and in the beginning the attention was great, esp. when my friends were all having problems with their men. It was nice to know that I did not have any of those problems. We then got married, because it seemed "expected" after 8 yrs together. He pushed it much more than me ( I actually called it off once). I did realize sometime ago that he wasn't my soulmate but I made the conscious decision to stick with it for the kids and just let my emotional needs take a back seat. Now, almost nine years married Im starting to feel like I'm really missing out on something. I never had that "Im so in love " feeling. I no longer so sure I can continue like this for the next 30 years.

 

Long story short, I know where you're coming from and when you get the answer to your question, please share it with me also :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

L9,

Have you tried to teach your man how to be more aggressive with you? Have you explained which of his behaviors come across as weak/needy?

 

I was very lucky. Even though I was more in love with my wife then she with me, we didn't have quite as big a love gap. And sexually things were good. Well they were good until she showed me how to let myself be more aggressive/dominant/even a little rough in bed. And then they went from good to incredible.

 

You can teach a good man some of this. It is worth trying. If she had never taught me - we would have missed out on a lot. Granted different situation, at the 20 year point my wife does think I am her soulmate and she is definitely mine.

 

 

 

Barbi

 

I truly sympathetize with your situation. I also have a great guy for a husband, but I am finally realizing that he is not "great for me". Sixteen years together, eight married and 2 kids and I have now come to terms with the fact that I married him out of gratitude. He was much more into me than I was into him and in the beginning the attention was great, esp. when my friends were all having problems with their men. It was nice to know that I did not have any of those problems. We then got married, because it seemed "expected" after 8 yrs together. He pushed it much more than me ( I actually called it off once). I did realize sometime ago that he wasn't my soulmate but I made the conscious decision to stick with it for the kids and just let my emotional needs take a back seat. Now, almost nine years married Im starting to feel like I'm really missing out on something. I never had that "Im so in love " feeling. I no longer so sure I can continue like this for the next 30 years.

 

Long story short, I know where you're coming from and when you get the answer to your question, please share it with me also :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

"Although I was not attracted to him (and told him so), he assured me I would learn to be and that he loved me enough for both of us."

 

I find the above statement to be extremely hard to believe. No man I know would ever say that to a woman. If he did in fact say that then he is a giant pussbag and a loser and you both deserve what you get. In fact he should be expecting you to have an affair.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...