LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships

My wife has no sexual desire and I am getting depressed - ?


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

Like Tree4Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10th November 2009, 3:03 AM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 6
My wife has no sexual desire and I am getting depressed - ?

First time poster here...I am hoping you guys can offer some good advice.

My wife and I are both 29, have been married almost 4 years, and have a beautiful 13-month old boy. Neither of us work terribly long hours, money is not a problem, health is not a problem, and we have good families. There really aren't many external stresses. Nor do we fight much.

The problem is that my wife has no sexual desire. Prior to giving birth, we had sex about 2 times per month, a very low number. The quality of sex was acceptable, but nothing spectacular. Since the birth, we have had sex only 7 or 8 times. When we do have sex, my wife just lays there, showing no emotion or interest. She usually "initiates" sex by saying something like "if you want to have sex you better get started, Desparate Housewives will be on soon." She hasn't allowed me to perform oral sex on her in about two years, though I have asked to countless times, and she hasn't performed on me in three years (and probably never will again). In short, even when we do have sex, it is not good - not passionate, not intimate. She won't even allow me to touch her breasts anymore. She won't do anything to lower her inhibitions, such as have a glass of wine. She openly says "I don't have to do that anymore, I am married." She won't have sex in any position other than me on top.

I have tried talking to my wife about this problem countless times. She just gets emotional and cries, and points out all the other ways in which she is an excellent wife (and she is an excellent wife in almost all other ways). She makes me feel sad that I even bring it up. She assures me that she loves me and finds me attractive, but then another three weeks go by before we have sex.

I am starting to get very depressed, and worse, I am starting to resent my wife. I am a decent looking man, well educated, with an outgoing personality and a well paying job. There is no shortage of women who would have interest in me, and I don't like that I am now constantly thinking about these other women.

It seems to me I have only two options: (1) end the marriage; or (2) learn to live unhappy. I don't want to end the marriage, as my wife is a great woman and I love her dearly. And I cannot even begin to contemplate being apart from my baby boy. But I also can't fathom how unhappy I will be 1, 5, 10 years from now if things do not change. And sadly, I have no expectation that they will change.

Anyone have similar experiences? Anyone have any good suggestions? Are things just going to get worse? Any advice would be much appreciated.
joe12 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2009, 6:27 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Mr-T's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 69
Maybe you should suggest councilling for you both. There might be something in her past that has made her feel that way. Sometimes women will hide there pasts away because its caused them pain in that area.

If there is something that has made her feel bad then its best if it gets out in the open so you can empathise. I dont think you should 'jack it in' like you say you have a young son and you love your wife. Its better to try to fix the situation than to go else where.
__________________
We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. Tom Robbins (1936)
Mr-T is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2009, 7:22 AM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Working on a clear blue summer sky, at BuddhaDhammaSangha
Posts: 22,834
I would say hormones or even post-natal depression (which can struike anything up to 5 years after the birth of a child).
That she had a low sex drive (by your standards) before marriage should in itself also be a factor.
But differing sex drives are quite normal, and no amount of sexual activity is normal or abnormal. It's whatever's normal for the couple concerned.

Suggest kindly - nicely, compassionately and with consideration - that maybe having a baby has tipped her hormones, and that it's very very common. Perhaps she could get a check-up and talk to someone.

I think you could do to educate yourself a bit too....
50% of women go off sex completely.
She is not alone, so don't resent her.
TaraMaiden is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2009, 7:43 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Lizzie60's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 14,438
Well.. from your post.. she was never a sexual person.. no one has necessarily the same level of libido... but now with the baby.. she lost the little libido that she had.. normal... many women who are not too sexual lose it after they have kids..
Lizzie60 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2009, 8:15 AM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,539
honest statement of situation

Clearly she does not like sex - that is blatantly obvious from her actions. But it seems like she never much liked it.

Her comments about - now that we are married I don't have to - are very toxic. That is like saying now that we are married I don't have to be nice to you any more.

Have you tried counselling - maybe a sex therapist?

IF she is not willing to attend counselling - including a sex therapist - if it were me I would give her an ultimatum. Either do that, or let me get my entertainment outside the marriage since you clearly do not like having sex with me - or marry someone else who dislikes sex. Is there a reason you married someone who quite obviously does not like sex?

By the way - when she tells you that you can have sex with her, obviously that is pure obligation sex she feels she has to give as a wife. Who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to do it in the first place, doesn't give or receive oral, doesn't want her breasts touched and only likes one position. That is about as sad as it gets.





Quote:
Originally Posted by joe12 View Post
First time poster here...I am hoping you guys can offer some good advice.

My wife and I are both 29, have been married almost 4 years, and have a beautiful 13-month old boy. Neither of us work terribly long hours, money is not a problem, health is not a problem, and we have good families. There really aren't many external stresses. Nor do we fight much.

The problem is that my wife has no sexual desire. Prior to giving birth, we had sex about 2 times per month, a very low number. The quality of sex was acceptable, but nothing spectacular. Since the birth, we have had sex only 7 or 8 times. When we do have sex, my wife just lays there, showing no emotion or interest. She usually "initiates" sex by saying something like "if you want to have sex you better get started, Desparate Housewives will be on soon." She hasn't allowed me to perform oral sex on her in about two years, though I have asked to countless times, and she hasn't performed on me in three years (and probably never will again). In short, even when we do have sex, it is not good - not passionate, not intimate. She won't even allow me to touch her breasts anymore. She won't do anything to lower her inhibitions, such as have a glass of wine. She openly says "I don't have to do that anymore, I am married." She won't have sex in any position other than me on top.

I have tried talking to my wife about this problem countless times. She just gets emotional and cries, and points out all the other ways in which she is an excellent wife (and she is an excellent wife in almost all other ways). She makes me feel sad that I even bring it up. She assures me that she loves me and finds me attractive, but then another three weeks go by before we have sex.

I am starting to get very depressed, and worse, I am starting to resent my wife. I am a decent looking man, well educated, with an outgoing personality and a well paying job. There is no shortage of women who would have interest in me, and I don't like that I am now constantly thinking about these other women.

It seems to me I have only two options: (1) end the marriage; or (2) learn to live unhappy. I don't want to end the marriage, as my wife is a great woman and I love her dearly. And I cannot even begin to contemplate being apart from my baby boy. But I also can't fathom how unhappy I will be 1, 5, 10 years from now if things do not change. And sadly, I have no expectation that they will change.

Anyone have similar experiences? Anyone have any good suggestions? Are things just going to get worse? Any advice would be much appreciated.
mem11363 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2009, 8:46 AM   #6
Established Member
 
PandorasBox's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 1,601
Sounds like possible postpartum depression. That can be a very real and serious issue for some women who suffer from that. It sounds like she does love you, and you said she was a great wife in all other areas. I would suggest her going to her doctor and telling them how she is feeling.
__________________
"Consider how hard it is to change something within yourself, and you will begin to appreciate what little chance you have of changing others."
PandorasBox is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2009, 9:36 AM   #7
Established Member
 
JamesM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: In Between Two Large Bodies of Water
Posts: 8,071
Hello, Joel, welcome to my world...except your corner is even a little more difficult. Odd that I would say that but at your age and stage in the marriage, we had a fair amount of sex.

And as for oral, she loved it.

You mentioned that you have two choices (end marriage, live unhappily in marriage), but you have more choices. And one of them is what you are doing right now...Fix the marriage.

Being that your wife only had sex twice a month prior to children does not give me as much hope that what you are facing is depression from having a baby, but it is entirely possible.

Did she have a rough labor and delivery? Did she have alot of pain? Does she want another baby?

If yes to the first two and no to the last question, then I would think that avoiding having a baby is part of the reason.

Does SHE think that it is rough taking care of the baby? Does SHE think that you work long hours? Does SHE think that she does all of the work around the house?

If yes, then this can be a contributing factor.

How is her mood besides sex? Is she happy all of the time or most of the time? Or rather, has her mood changed since prior to the baby?

If she shows alot of depression and is sad much of the time, then she could be depressed. If she doesn't enjoy what she did before, then she could be depressed. If she seems on edge alot of the time, then she could be depressed.

Having a baby is a huge deal for both parents, but it radically changes the world for a woman. Most of us guys do love our children, but truthfully, at least for the first few years, we don't feel the burden of a child and a child doesn't change our daily routine as much as it does for a woman. So, if she is afraid that sex will lead to pregnancy, then this can be overwhelming to her at this stage.

Suggestions....and remember, your goal is to make her a happy wife again...not just make her a willing sex partner....

1. See the doctor regarding depression.
2. See a marriage counselor.
3. Work on relieving your wife's stresses.

1. If your wife does think she has depression, then getting her to a doctor should be easy. If she does not think so, then it will not. If this is just a sex issue, then I doubt she will think she is depressed.

If she realizes that she is scared of getting pregnant, then you two may want to investigate into birth control options.

2. Seeing a marriage counselor is important but again may be hard for her to think necessary if sex is the only issue (in her eyes) that the two of you have. Yet she must understand that your marriage will suffer in all areas if this one area is not fixed. Sex is an expression of love, not simply a release of passion.

What worries me is that she doesn't want you to touch her sexually. It could be that her breasts are now the baby feeding station and no longer for play. It could be that oral sex is somehow distasteful because of birth. But my guess is that there is more to it than that. Perhaps she was sexually abused at one time. You may not be aware of it, but she may tell you if your relationship is close. My wife was, but touching her sexually has never been as much of an issue. Yes, certain things remind her of it, but for the most part, she has not let it hinder her.

3. "There really aren't many external stresses." For some reason, I find that hard to believe. Having a new baby in the house is a big stress by itself. While you may not see it as a stress, she does.

Figuring out ways to help her cope will be good for her mental and emotional health, but based on her position regarding sex, I don't think this will change her interest in sex.

Now commenting on a couple of other things....

Quote:
In short, even when we do have sex, it is not good - not passionate, not intimate. She won't even allow me to touch her breasts anymore. She won't do anything to lower her inhibitions, such as have a glass of wine. She openly says "I don't have to do that anymore, I am married." She won't have sex in any position other than me on top.
Funny thing is....you got married to have sex with her. Her attitude will kill your marriage guaranteed. The resentment that will build inside of you will end it. She may pretend that it is all you and not her, but just as there are things that are more her than you, so even if sex is for you, then she needs to realize that marriage includes sex.

Something really ended her interest in sex OR...she quit pretending that she was interested in sex. Either way, it must be resolved.

Quote:
I have tried talking to my wife about this problem countless times. She just gets emotional and cries, and points out all the other ways in which she is an excellent wife (and she is an excellent wife in almost all other ways). She makes me feel sad that I even bring it up. She assures me that she loves me and finds me attractive, but then another three weeks go by before we have sex.
This could have been said by me about my wife except at your age, it was not an issue. We at least had sex two to three times a month, and she wanted children, so then it was as often as possible when she felt she was fertile. (Oh why oh why did I ever get sick of it then? )

She is right. She does many thing that a good wife does. BUT...in everything that she does...and I mean everything, think of it. Could these things not be done by someone else and you would still be considered faithful to your wife? If you hired a maid or nanny, would you be cheating? If you hired a counselor for listening, would you be a cheater? If you hired a cook, is that cheating?

No. The ONLY thing that is considered cheating when in a marriage is if you decided to pay someone or have sex with someone other than her. THAT is why sexual intimacy is so important to marriage. It is the glue that keeps the marriage together. It is the most intimate expression of love. And without it, marriage is no longer really marriage.

Don't forget it.

But someday when you are brave, tell her that you will no longer ask her for sex. Instead you will now get it elsewhere and since you love her so much and you know how she no longer enjoys sex, then you will out of the love of your heart, pay someone for sex. Her reaction is predictable. However, if you had said cooking or cleaning or childcare instead of sex, then my guess is that she would have given you an extra hug or kiss.

Tell her that you did not get married to become celibate. If you wanted celibacy, then you would have joined the priesthood.

She is not a good wife if she does not consider sex necessary for marriage. Inside she knows it. Having just gone four months without sex (and we had it two nights ago and it was still wonderful ), I can attest how it tears at the bonds of marriage. I have been married for almost twenty years, and our problems began about eight years ago.

Do you want to be me? No. But IMO your problems are starting out much sooner, and since you have only been married for four years (which you will realize is not that long when you look back), you have less of a foundation to save. This will make it harder for you to endure the huge issue that you have, but yet the two of you have made it for four years, so you have more of a foundation than if this was a problem in the first year or two of marriage.

This can be solved, but you need her to be with you and realize that this is "our" problem if a solution can be found.
__________________
"A REAL FRIEND IS ONE WHO WALKS IN WHEN
THE REST OF THE WORLD WALKS OUT"
JamesM is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2009, 9:46 AM   #8
Established Member
 
Lizzie60's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 14,438
Oh I should add that I don't buy the post-partum depression.. it's NOT.. IMO.

PP depression would be accompanied with other symptoms.. sadness, crying, fatigue.. etc... PLUS PP depression doesn't last that long... the baby is 13 months for Pete's sake..

I had PP depression both times... and it lasted a few months.. it was kind of severe the second time.. but I was also sad, crying a lot, tired, etc... all the common symptoms..

In the case of your wife... she NEVER was a sexual person.. you knew that.. just give her some time.. the baby is quite young.. and it's a lot of work... sit down with her and have a 'serious' talk...
Lizzie60 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2009, 10:01 AM   #9
Member
 
frustrated_one's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 130
Resource

I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I will point you to a great resource that someone here on the boards told me about: Dr. Harley. He wrote a book called, "His Needs Her Needs". Google him and you'll find his website. You will find Q&As he has written about this issue.

If I were you, I would get the book (you can find it online for practically nothing) - read it and underline parts that really hit home. (He has an entire chapter on this issue. Make sure to read what he says about meeting a woman's emotional needs. Really examine yourself to make sure you are meeting what you think are her emotional needs. If you are falling short, start taking steps to meet those needs and see if that helps.

At some point, I would say to your wife, "This is a book I have been reading on how to meet your deepest emotional needs. I've really learned alot about how I can be a better husband to you. It really opened my eyes - I want to tell you that I am sorry I have not been a better husband, but I am going to try, with the help of what I have learned from Dr. Harley."

I know that this might be a little humbling, but I think if you take this approach, then she will want to reciprocate. You could ask her if she would read the book and complete the emotional needs questionnaire so you can be sure you are meeting HER exact needs.

If you can do that and she is willing, then she will of course read about YOUR needs, and from an objective third party, read about YOU needs and see what you have underlined. Maybe, just maybe, she will ask you to complete the questionnaire, so she can see what YOUR needs are.

Yes, I know this is kind of passive aggressive, but it is a gentle way to broach the topic. You would be doing it in a way that is ABOUT HER, and how you can be a better husband.

I know you want more sex - Dr. Harley says her emotional needs must be met before that can happen.

It sounds like she may have some body issues, not allowing you to give her oral. Dr. Harley has some wonderful suggestions for wives who have sexual aversion. He has great info on his website about going from willingness to have sex to creating a desire to have sex. IF she is willing to work on this, I think his ideas could really help.

The best thing you can give your new baby is a solid relationship. New moms can have depression. They can be overwhelmed. Make sure to offer to watch the baby while she goes to get a manicure/pedicure (give her a gift certificate for them.)

These boards are filled with wonderful people who can give us the objective perspective on our lives that is so helpful!
frustrated_one is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2009, 10:02 AM   #10
Established Member
 
PandorasBox's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 1,601
"It sounds like its possible".

Is very different from me saying I'm 100 percent sure that it is postpartum. With her crying and feeling depressed I said it SOUNDED like it POSSIBLY could be, never said it WAS.

My sister had it as well, and only had a few symptoms. She still needs to get checked out regardless. Even if its not "postpartum" there is obviously something going on other than her just not being that sexual. Who knows, maybe she is just depressed and its not postpartum.

Anyway to the OP, suggest her get checked out by her doc, it wont hurt anything to see and rule out things.

Last edited by PandorasBox; 10th November 2009 at 10:04 AM..
PandorasBox is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2009, 10:13 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 381
I am sorry you have found yourself - at such a young age - in this scenario....It sounds like countless stories I've heard from other men online (back in the day when I used to visit chat rooms) They cry the blues & are very much ready to get out there & have any kind of affair or sexual experience with whomever will have them

BUT -

This happens. Just like all marriages have their ups & downs. They have their GOOD sex times, their Not so good sex times, their ZERO sex times.

I post this because it was my own experience.
2 very young people married - everything is pretty much going along fine & then a child is thrown into the mix.
I didn't WANT to have sex from about the time my first child was born until the second one was about in the 2nd grade. We're talking almost 8 or so years. Notice I said WANT. I did it (obviously) but there was ZERO desire. If my husband wanted sex, he'd usually have to beg until I gave in.
With all the responsibilities of a mother, cleaning, bathing, laundry, paying bills - blah blah blah - Sex is the last thing most women want to do.
You could try to be patient. It may pass.
I only tell of my experience because I can't be the only person on the planet that this has happened to. IT DOES PASS! and if there's love there in the mix - it WILL be fine. Have some faith & patience.
stuckinoz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2009, 10:14 AM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 479
OP, you didn't say but when you did have sex did your wife orgasm? She may not want to have sex with you because she feels like "what's the point?" If she doesn't get any satisfaction from it, it's more frustrating than fun.

Regardless I think this woman already has a lot of resentment towards you. James touched on the fact that a woman's life changes drastically when she has a baby. A man's life changes, but EVERYTHING about a woman's life changes - including her body. It's like you have to learn your body all over again and it seems like she wasn't that in tune with her body to begin with so the experience may have just killed her desire.

I think there is hope for you two, but it's going to take a lot of work from both of you.
hopeful1980 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2009, 10:19 AM   #13
Established Member
 
EnigmasMuse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Somewhere in my mind
Posts: 990
Since sex wasn't alot even before the birth of your child, do you know much about her background as far as, if she has any other issues that might play a role in why she isn't all that sexual? Maybe there was something that happened in her past that wasn't delt with that you're not aware of?

As far as the baby blues or postpartum goes, I don't know. All I know is, that I had it with my son. I also suffered depression before and have a family history of depression. I work in the medical field too, and I do know that if she has a history of any kind of depression in her life, prior to her giving birth, then, women who have had depression before and then get postpartum are more likely to suffer from it longer than a person who has never had depression of any kind. For me, it was almost a year or pretty close to it before I began to feel better. That's why I say, incase she does have postpartum, it can last longer for women who have also had regular depression at some point. However, she needs to be seen by her doctor so they can tell her whether she has that or not.

I also suggest some kind of MC for you both too.
__________________
"I'm just me and I'm not going to change myself just for you to change your opinion about me."
EnigmasMuse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2009, 10:33 AM   #14
Established Member
 
JackJack's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Right Here
Posts: 3,827
"I have tried talking to my wife about this problem countless times. She just gets emotional and cries, and points out all the other ways in which she is an excellent wife (and she is an excellent wife in almost all other ways)".

Hmmm? Does she only get upset when you bring up the sex issue? Maybe she feels shes not good at sex, maybe she feels she is better at the other things she does, and therefore thats why she lets you know of how good of a person/wife she is in other ways? Hard to say exactly what may or may not be going on right now.

Do you think she would go to some counseling sessions?
__________________
"Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect - not on one-way emotional rescues. And mothering is for kids. Not grown people."
JackJack is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2009, 10:33 AM   #15
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 39
Meeting her emotional needs is key. You "think" you are doing well with the stable high paying job and all the trimmings....I've been there myself.

But then I started to read up. Lots of things I was missing. The one that made the most difference to her was so amazingly simple. I got a hold of her on a Sat or Sun, putting $40 in her hand and telling her to get out, go get her nails done and pick a pretty color. I've got the kids."

You married a woman who you thought would be an excellent mom for your kids. I'd bet that you had your share of women before you met her that did not fit the bill.....but the sex was amazing.

2-3 times a month? Hate to say it but its going to get worse. You may be "bad" in bed. Her orgasms were not that strong, they were annoying and the more she had sex with you the more she felt like it was all about you and not her.

No oral? She is ashamed at her body. She also resents you and your life. And you resent her for not sharing her body. Both of you are resenting, its going to build, and the only glue that is going to hold you together is your child ( as well as faith).

A person once told me the following quote. Its helped me a bit. I don't remeber it exactly but:

There will be three women in your life. The one you date to find out what the one you marry will be like. The one who raises your children with you. And the one you share the rest of your life with after your children are grown up. IF you can round the corner with your current wife, you two will eventually let all the resentment pass. Why? B/C you will fall in love again realizing how much the two of you have been through together.

For those who do not fall in love again, its over. Move on. Kids might be 8-14yrs old at this time. Expect it.
Lsvf likes this.
kevinconner is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Desire for sexual contact with other men? lilaclady Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 33 28th May 2009 5:20 PM
bf lost sexual desire? imonyourside Dating 14 11th October 2007 9:01 AM
Wife with no sexual desire, HELP! octaman Marriage & Life Partnerships 22 29th July 2005 5:14 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:24 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.