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Falling in love with another while married


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Old 5th November 2009, 10:10 PM   #1
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Falling in love with another while married

Greetings,

I have been married fifteen years and we both have long lost the initial spark we had at the beginning. I would say I love my wife but for sure I 'm not in love.

Anyway, I have fallen in love with someone else twice while married. The first time after five years and the last time about a year or so ago. I did not cheat and forced myself to keep away from them even though my heart was screaming for me to take action. It was SO hard to resist. I can see how people lose their resolve and give in to the feelings.

I want to know if this normal or it means I am with the wrong person. I have a friend who is married about the same amount of time who says he feels the same love but not in love and no spark, but has never fallen for anyone else other than a few slight crushes. Any thoughts on this?
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Old 6th November 2009, 1:10 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by Landofconfusion View Post

I want to know if this normal or it means I am with the wrong person. I have a friend who is married about the same amount of time who says he feels the same love but not in love and no spark, but has never fallen for anyone else other than a few slight crushes. Any thoughts on this?
I think it is normal. Just look at the threads in this forum and you will see that you are not alone. I am told that this happens when you try to find your happiness outside of yourself. There is something in you that you are not happy about and your mind tries to cure it by distracting your attention to something else. It is usually not about the person you have fallen in love with, and it is not about your wife either. It is about you. You have to start looking at your life. work on your own growth, your own evolution. Do you love yourself? Are you feeling guilty? Do you feel you are wasting your life without a purpose? Are you passionate about your career? Do you have a sense of purpose and meaning in life? These are the things you need to start focusing on.

Of course it is easier said than done. I am struggling with the same thing. Good luck!
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Old 6th November 2009, 11:20 AM   #3
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The question is, why are you allowing yourself to fall inlove with other women? It's one thing to have a crush, it feels nice and it serves it's purpose..BUT, when you allow feelings to develop, and you start emotionally investing in someone else other than your wife, that's when it becomes dangerous..

What is it about you, your wife, your marriage that has turned you off? Enough that you're opening yourself up to other women, and possibly opening the door to an affair?
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Old 6th November 2009, 1:19 PM   #4
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more importantly, what was it about your wife that initially caught your attention? And made you say to yourself, "I've got to have her in my life for good"? Are you confusing that slow and steady and deep feeling of love with excitement of physical chemistry or spark?

I've been married a little bit longer than you, and can admit that there are times I've questioned my relationship because I didn't feel the "love" ... then realized that just because he doesn't show me the way I want to be shown, that doesn't mean the love isn't there.

find yourself a copy of "The Five Love Languages," I think Gary Chapman is the author's name, and read it. It's a real eye-opener in describing the ways people express their love for one another, and how sometimes, not realizing this can make you second-guess your relationship. And not just romantic ones, but every kind of relationship there is.

personally speaking, while the heady rush that comes with "being in love" is very exciting, it really isn't what I crave ... because "being in love" often is unrequited love, or excitement trying to pass for love ... the quiet, deep, long-lasting love is the one I want most.

just some food for thought
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Old 6th November 2009, 10:18 PM   #5
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I am told that this happens when you try to find your happiness outside of yourself. There is something in you that you are not happy about and your mind tries to cure it by distracting your attention to something else.
My marriage? Just kidding. I do see your point. I just thought there must be something about our relationship that is off, but it could be some dissatisfaction in another area. Thanks.
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Old 6th November 2009, 10:35 PM   #6
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The question is, why are you allowing yourself to fall inlove with other women? It's one thing to have a crush, it feels nice and it serves it's purpose..BUT, when you allow feelings to develop, and you start emotionally investing in someone else other than your wife, that's when it becomes dangerous..

What is it about you, your wife, your marriage that has turned you off? Enough that you're opening yourself up to other women, and possibly opening the door to an affair?
The times this happened, the feelings manifested on their own. It was never a decision...and when I was aware they were getting strong, I tried to avoid the person as much as possible. They were both at work.

As far as my wife and I...we have some resentments that often come up when we argue, which I considered garden variety, but I am concerned that my heart is try to lead me away and that it is not normal. I am not looking for an excuse to cheat or leave my wife. I am actually working on my marriage. I would just like to know that this kind of thing happens to people who have been married a long time and is normal or it is just an issue with me.
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Old 6th November 2009, 10:43 PM   #7
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more importantly, what was it about your wife that initially caught your attention? And made you say to yourself, "I've got to have her in my life for good"? Are you confusing that slow and steady and deep feeling of love with excitement of physical chemistry or spark?

find yourself a copy of "The Five Love Languages," I think Gary Chapman is the author's name, and read it. It's a real eye-opener in describing the ways people express their love for one another, and how sometimes, not realizing this can make you second-guess your relationship. And not just romantic ones, but every kind of relationship there is.
I fell in love with my wife because we had physical chemistry and spark were/are compatible in several other ways. Now the spark is long gone but the other stuff holds us together. Thanks letting me know about that book.
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Old 9th November 2009, 11:06 AM   #8
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Landofconfusion.... you are not alone.. I too have the same feelings.. we've been married 8 yrs.. I have fallin for someone.. and they too are also married.. and we know that nothing could ever happen... and wont happen.. but I to cant seem to get this person outta my head..

I love my husband very much but in the same I would love to see why my heart goes elsewhere.. but in the same fact i dont want to ruin what I have. I am also trying to work on My marriage.. only difference is I am not avoiding whom.. I have fell for. which in reading your post I think I must.. to move on with my marriage.

So you are not alone.. at all.. good luck and stay strong..
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Old 10th November 2009, 10:46 AM   #9
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You may be polyamorous. I sometimes think I am. I have zero issue with falling in love with another person while married. I used to get all guilted out by this but then I learned to accept who I am. There are plenty of people like this.

A person once asked me this, "...if you 100% truley loved your wife, then you would not be 'open' to allowing yourself to fall in love with someone else. Maybe it is indeed that you never loved your wife completely from the start."

I won't know the answer to this until I fall in love again and make a change. Not sure if I'll get the chance to do this, so holding course.

The interesting thing is that the love I felt with the other person while married was nothing like the original love I experienced with my wife. It was more "energetic" and also felt more risky. Uncertain. More butterflies. Less predicatability. I have since looked back on it and realized it was not everything I felt it was.
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Old 10th November 2009, 11:19 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by bloggervenus View Post
I am told that this happens when you try to find your happiness outside of yourself. There is something in you that you are not happy about and your mind tries to cure it by distracting your attention to something else. It is usually not about the person you have fallen in love with, and it is not about your wife either. It is about you. You have to start looking at your life. work on your own growth, your own evolution. Do you love yourself? Are you feeling guilty? Do you feel you are wasting your life without a purpose? Are you passionate about your career? Do you have a sense of purpose and meaning in life? These are the things you need to start focusing on.
nice post bloggervenus.

to the OP, you said you fell in love twice but did not cheat. Care to elaborate ?
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Old 10th November 2009, 11:29 AM   #11
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The times this happened, the feelings manifested on their own. It was never a decision...and when I was aware they were getting strong, I tried to avoid the person as much as possible. They were both at work.

As far as my wife and I...we have some resentments that often come up when we argue, which I considered garden variety, but I am concerned that my heart is try to lead me away and that it is not normal. I am not looking for an excuse to cheat or leave my wife. I am actually working on my marriage. I would just like to know that this kind of thing happens to people who have been married a long time and is normal or it is just an issue with me.
Everyone gets crushes and feelings for others at times .. You say the feelings manifested on their own. Did you also MENTALLY block out that person, or did you allow yourself to "think/fantasize" about her? It's one thing to avoid the person, that's good you've done this..But, did you block the person out of your mind as well?

Maybe your marriage needs spicing up, and counselling could help you sort out your own issues. Think back to your past relationships..Did you have crushes and feelings for others too? Could be a pattern, or it could be just who you are, wearing your heart on your sleeve.. That's a good quality to have BUT you need to keep yourself in check, on the straight and narrow. Caring and being a good friend is wonderful as long as it doesn't cross the lines. It's when one becomes too attached to someone else while married or in a relationship that it gets dangerous and causes problems.
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Old 10th November 2009, 4:30 PM   #12
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Landofconfusion.... you are not alone.. I too have the same feelings.. we've been married 8 yrs.. I have fallin for someone.. and they too are also married.. and we know that nothing could ever happen... and wont happen.. but I to cant seem to get this person outta my head..

I love my husband very much but in the same I would love to see why my heart goes elsewhere.. but in the same fact i dont want to ruin what I have. I am also trying to work on My marriage.. only difference is I am not avoiding whom.. I have fell for. which in reading your post I think I must.. to move on with my marriage.

So you are not alone.. at all.. good luck and stay strong..
Thanks. I hope you get through it. I have this idea that we are somehow biologically programmed to fall for people who make good reproductive matches, hence the obsession for months.
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Old 10th November 2009, 4:58 PM   #13
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You may be polyamorous. I sometimes think I am. I have zero issue with falling in love with another person while married. I used to get all guilted out by this but then I learned to accept who I am. There are plenty of people like this.

A person once asked me this, "...if you 100% truley loved your wife, then you would not be 'open' to allowing yourself to fall in love with someone else. Maybe it is indeed that you never loved your wife completely from the start."
I don't think I am polyamorous, which is why I am concerned that I may be swimming upstream in my marriage. When that person said "open," they probably meant on the hunt for sex or validation of some kind. I just read in marriagebuilders that falling in love happens when we find someone who meets our unmet emotional needs. I'm not sure it's that simple but it has to be part of it.
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Old 10th November 2009, 5:03 PM   #14
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Greetings,

I have been married fifteen years and we both have long lost the initial spark we had at the beginning. I would say I love my wife but for sure I 'm not in love.

Anyway, I have fallen in love with someone else twice while married. The first time after five years and the last time about a year or so ago. I did not cheat and forced myself to keep away from them even though my heart was screaming for me to take action. It was SO hard to resist. I can see how people lose their resolve and give in to the feelings.

I want to know if this normal or it means I am with the wrong person. I have a friend who is married about the same amount of time who says he feels the same love but not in love and no spark, but has never fallen for anyone else other than a few slight crushes. Any thoughts on this?
The "spark" you refer to is a product of brain chemistry seen in people just starting out in a new relationship. It always fades, usually within 18-24 months. This is why successful marriages need to be built on more than initial attraction.

That said, being faithful means you don't cheat, not that you don't occasionally want to. No doubt, there are times your wife would like to cheat as well. Sounds like your biggest problem is you think every new infatuation is your "heart" speaking to you. Nonsense. It is something further down.
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Old 10th November 2009, 5:20 PM   #15
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to the OP, you said you fell in love twice but did not cheat. Care to elaborate ?
I'm not sure what you are asking. In both cases, the most recent one being the strongest, I met someone at work. I am somewhat introverted and don't really relate to most people. But when I met the two ladies I fell in love with, it was if they spoke the language of my personal planet, as if I knew them a long time. We just clicked. In both cases there was mutual attraction and chemistry to the point that other people noticed. And then the lighning struck and I was secretly owned...my heart would race, sleepless nights, moronic illusions of me saving this damsel in distress and then taking the long walk to forever.

But I am married. I am suppose to feel this way about my wife. I know that even if I ended up with one of the ladies I fell for, it would not be anywhere near as fun in fifteen years. The question becomes- Why is my heart a love-whore when I already have someone who loves me.
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