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i have a very loving husband but...


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simple_city_girl

i have posted earlier on the other man/woman forum. i was in an affair with a married man for 3 years - and then we had a major breakup where he said things to me which really hurt me. he was my boss at work and after this breakup i somehow continued to work with him.

 

about an year ago, i met a single guy - really charming and we got married after 6 months of dating. he's a lovely guy - he loves me a lot and cares for me all the time. but since many months i have not been reciprocating to him well. i have thoughts about MM going on in my mind all the time. i am unable to be happy and appreciate my husband's goodness. instead my mind is occupied with the time spent with MM and how things went wrong and how he was rude to me in the end.

 

unfortunately i have to see him at work everyday.(he persuaded me to stay in this job, and even i want to because its well paying - its 2 min drive from home, i am quite independent and i am happy with my results at work - so pls do not advice about leaving this job for a while).

 

professionally he is fine with me - nothing has changed. but i feel very down sometimes. i am not living my life as i should be. i have a very loving husband but i do not appreciate his goodness at all - i have realized it many many times and then i feel very bad for him. i have even stopped having sex - he is very understanding and accepted it and continues to love me.

 

but i feel guilty all the time - why a i not happy with my life all my family and friends say i have been very lucky to have this guy who loves me so much. but i never feel happy about that. for the past many months i have been only thinking about my relationship with MM - how it started, how in the beginning he was very nice to me, he cared for me - he was very supportive. then how things went wrong and how i would have atleast done something so as we could have stayed friends. i feel hurt and upset all the time. i am not living my life well .......

 

please help me

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The decision you have to make is very difficult . If you feel that you cannot be an honest and loving wife to your husband, if you feel that you have no desire for your husband, then you need to leave the marriage, and allow him to find somebody who will and can, do all of the things you cannot. It will hurt him very much at first, but will be better for you both , in the long run.

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Untouchable_Fire

about an year ago, i met a single guy - really charming and we got married after 6 months of dating. he's a lovely guy - he loves me a lot and cares for me all the time. but since many months i have not been reciprocating to him well. i have thoughts about MM going on in my mind all the time. i am unable to be happy and appreciate my husband's goodness. instead my mind is occupied with the time spent with MM and how things went wrong and how he was rude to me in the end.

 

If you can't focus on the people in life that actually care about you... then your retarded. Actually... that's an insult to the mentally disabled... I would say they are above you in that regard.

 

I know your job pays... and it's convenient... but You are not able to move on while hanging around your boss 8 hours a day. Simple physics... you need time and space.

 

At the moment, your in the beginning phases of wrecking your marriage. For what? $200 a month? What is your Husband worth to you?

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SCG, what you are doing to your husband is wrong. But, let's put that aside for a moment. Forget he even exists for a moment. Let's talk about strictly your happiness.

 

You are very obviously still attached to MM. You had a three-year love affair with him, and still have strong feelings for him. It is just a hair's breadth short of absolutely impossible for you to get over him while you are working in his office. Human psychology in general makes it very difficult to get over someone when you see them on a daily basis. Added to that, female attraction psychology makes a high status men very attractive. So, the fact you are still attached to him is quite understandable. It would be almost impossible for you not to be.

 

As long as you choose to stay in this situation, you are doomed to a life of frustration and unhappiness. You are not available to anyone, much less your husband who you made a lifelong commitment to. Even if you leave him, that is not going to solve your problem. You will still be pining away after MM. You will probably repeat the cycle with another couple of guys.

 

It is absolutely clear to me that you need to leave your job situation. You are justifying it to yourself in terms of a short drive and more money, but what is really going on is your heart is trying to find excuses to stay near MM. Your judgment is not reliable in this situation. Please, for your own sake give up a little money or drive a little farther in order to free yourself to be able to love someone who will love you back, hopefully your husband! MM is never going to do that, but that won't stop your feelings from longing for him for fruitless and unhappy years.

 

Scott

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theycallmeprincess
If you can't focus on the people in life that actually care about you... then your retarded. Actually... that's an insult to the mentally disabled... I would say they are above you in that regard.

 

Actually the term "retarded" is the insult to the mentally challenged. Please keep that in mind when dealing with people.

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i have posted earlier on the other man/woman forum. i was in an affair with a married man for 3 years - and then we had a major breakup where he said things to me which really hurt me. he was my boss at work and after this breakup i somehow continued to work with him.

 

about an year ago, i met a single guy - really charming and we got married after 6 months of dating. he's a lovely guy - he loves me a lot and cares for me all the time. but since many months i have not been reciprocating to him well. i have thoughts about MM going on in my mind all the time. i am unable to be happy and appreciate my husband's goodness. instead my mind is occupied with the time spent with MM and how things went wrong and how he was rude to me in the end.

 

unfortunately i have to see him at work everyday.(he persuaded me to stay in this job, and even i want to because its well paying - its 2 min drive from home, i am quite independent and i am happy with my results at work - so pls do not advice about leaving this job for a while).

 

professionally he is fine with me - nothing has changed. but i feel very down sometimes. i am not living my life as i should be. i have a very loving husband but i do not appreciate his goodness at all - i have realized it many many times and then i feel very bad for him. i have even stopped having sex - he is very understanding and accepted it and continues to love me.

 

but i feel guilty all the time - why a i not happy with my life all my family and friends say i have been very lucky to have this guy who loves me so much. but i never feel happy about that. for the past many months i have been only thinking about my relationship with MM - how it started, how in the beginning he was very nice to me, he cared for me - he was very supportive. then how things went wrong and how i would have atleast done something so as we could have stayed friends. i feel hurt and upset all the time. i am not living my life well .......

 

please help me

 

Trying to figure out what "help" it is you need.

 

Deep down I think you know what it is you want to do. Don't live your life for the sake of your husbands happiness - he's probably not happy or at the very least it's totally unfair to both of you to be living a lie.

 

I see very few choices for you:

 

1. Open up to your husband - get everthing out on the table

2. Distance yourself from the MM if there is any way possible

3. Get Individual Counseling - or at least confide in a close friend or family member

4. Leave your husband - at least temporarily while you figure things out.

 

But the important thing is to do somehting - keeping things like they are is not going to make you feel better.

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You already totally screwed over the boss' wife by having a 3 year affair with him. If she does not know, then you inflicting MORE harm on her by telling her is just a horrible thing to do.

 

YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR HUSBAND BY WORKING FOR A MAN YOU WANT WHILE BEING MARRIED TO AND CELIBATE WITH THE MAN YOU VOWED TO LOVE.

 

Your husband is patiently, kindly waiting for you to fall back in love with him. You and we know that is not going to happen. Don't let him waste his life on false hope. Do the right thing and end it. You can say your husband is "ok" with what you are doing, but that is because love is patient AND blind. If he really KNEW, he also would want out of his misery.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You need closure.

 

1) Does your H know about your fling with the boss? If not, you need to tell him. He has the right to know that his wife is still working for some guy who was on top of her .

 

2) Does your boss' wife know about the affair. She has the right to know what you did to her husband.

 

Maybe, it's shame, guilt, and unresolved issues that keep you unhappy. Something big need to happen to have this closure, or else, you will be stuck in this unhappy stage for the rest of your life.

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Is your husband aware of the fact that you had an affair with MM? I am concerned about the "opening up" as I think he will be hurt and upset about the fact that you are fantasizing about someone you had an affair with. You run the risk of losing him.

 

My opinion is that you have become obsessed with this other man because you cannot have him. Your husband is there and excessible to you so it's "not as much fun." Most people who have affairs love the secrets, the sneaking around, the lies. I think you have found your marriage to be very boring after being involved in an affair like that.

 

Be fair to your husband. Would you want to be married to a man who was fantacizing about someone else? (esp. a married woman) I don't think you would.

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Thank you. You said this better than I did.

 

 

Is your husband aware of the fact that you had an affair with MM? I am concerned about the "opening up" as I think he will be hurt and upset about the fact that you are fantasizing about someone you had an affair with. You run the risk of losing him.

 

My opinion is that you have become obsessed with this other man because you cannot have him. Your husband is there and excessible to you so it's "not as much fun." Most people who have affairs love the secrets, the sneaking around, the lies. I think you have found your marriage to be very boring after being involved in an affair like that.

 

Be fair to your husband. Would you want to be married to a man who was fantacizing about someone else? (esp. a married woman) I don't think you would.

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Your husband is patiently, kindly waiting for you to fall back in love with him. You and we know that is not going to happen. Don't let him waste his life on false hope. Do the right thing and end it. You can say your husband is "ok" with what you are doing, but that is because love is patient AND blind. If he really KNEW, he also would want out of his misery.

 

This are my thoughts exactly, do whatever you want with your life but don’t drag your husband with it, set him free and let him be happy somewhere else.

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You will NEVER get over the MM until you distance yourself from him. Do you want to save your marriage and keep your husband? Quit your job and never contact the MM again. In time, his memories will fade and you'll eventually see him for who he really is; a lying cheating snake.

 

You say you don't love your husband but I'm not sure that's true. If you didn't you wouldn't be here inquiring on what to do. You would have already left him.

 

I think you may love your husband, but you are letting this obsession with the MM rule your life. Are you going to do something to break this obession, or are you going to ruin your marriage and then live with the regrets for the rest of your life?

 

Your choices are rather simple:

1. Quit your job and focus on rebuilding your marriage, or;

2. Be truthful with your husband and let him go to find someone who will treat him the way he deserves to be treated.

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