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Love my wife, but not attracted to her.


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Old 7th September 2009, 12:55 AM   #1
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Unhappy Love my wife, but not attracted to her.

Here goes a fairly typical story, I presume. However, I am truly lost right now and would appreciate any feedback from the community.

I am 26 years old and married my wife when I was 22. We now have a 7 month old son... the most beautiful baby boy ever. The wife is five years older than me and has been a wonderful partner. I love her dearly. I couldn't imagine a more fitting mother of my child. She is a strong woman.

However, I am losing my attraction to her. Each year that has passed since we have gotten together, we have learned to compromise and love each other more, and at the same time our sex lives become more barren. Before we decided to have a child, we probably had sex a few times in that last year. This is mainly due to two things: 1) I am losing my attraction to her, and 2) she will not be "sexy" and never initiates sex. I usually just break down after months of no sex (and I have a ferocious sexual appetite.) When I break down, I'll finally just focus on her breasts which is pretty much the only thing that can turn me on. When I do this, she knows "it's time to have sex", and we get it over with. Then we go about our lives again.

I've known this is a big problem. We've both acknowledged that we have "sex problems", however I cannot be completely honest with her about why. I keep repressing it. It seems impossible to fix. I cannot go to my love and say "I am not attracted to you anymore."

I have thought about trying even harder to be attractive myself (going to the gym more often, etc.) in hopes that she will want to follow my example. But I have low hopes for this.

Now I have become a lowly stereotype of a male who now ogles at women everywhere around me. I masturbate daily to cope. The wife knows I masturbate regularly (although it is a very private affair for me) and she feels like it must just be a normal guy thing.

But I realized the other night just how dangerous this situation is. I had a "night out" with my siblings (it was my sister's birthday). The wife stayed at home while I went out. After a couple of drinks, I could barely control myself. At one point I was dancing with a total bombshell of a girl (who is friends with my sis... just met her that night) and we started groping each other. I finally had to say "I'm so sorry. I would LOVE to continue this, but I'm married." And even though I felt ashamed of falling into such a pitiful stereotype, I felt like an animal! I felt like I could barely control it. If that girl had continued dancing/groping with me, I would have had a harder and harder time saying "no." I now realize just how dangerous of a line I'm walking.

I really don't know what to do. I am a new (and VERY proud) father. However, our relationship has also been very strained by the new stresses of being parents on top of everything else in life.

Sexually, I feel like I'm going to explode. Being married since 22, and being married to someone I'm losing attraction to, I just feel like my youth is being robbed. I feel so selfish saying these things and I really don't feel comfortable discussing these things with people I know. Thus this forum is the place where I'm turning.

It's nice reading some other posts here at loveshack and seeing that maybe I'm just human and not a creep. But where do I go from here? I feel very lost and depressed. Thank you all for taking the time to read this.
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Old 7th September 2009, 1:14 AM   #2
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You have a 7 month old son. Your life has changed and honestly, sex isn't the first thing on your wife's mind.

Don't take that personally, it isn't about you.. She may have PPD, since having the baby.

Start connectin with her on a emotional level. Get the grandparents to take the baby for the day or an evening so you two can go out to dinner. Be romantic and make her feel loved, special and needed. She probably doesn't feel too sexy either, having a kid can make some women feel insecure about their bodies..

WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT cheat on your wife. You have a great family, so remember your wife and son. This isn't just about you and your needs now, it's about you, your wife and your child. You're a family unit and make them be your number one. NOT some hot chick you wanna f**k.

Ask yourself this: Is one night of f**king and hot sex with a girl worth throwing away what you have now?

Talk to your wife, try to spend more time connecting and talking, take baths together, give eachother masages and also I suggest that you ask her about counselling too. It could always help you two with the issues you're having.

Hope this helps.
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Old 7th September 2009, 1:58 AM   #3
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How did your family react seeing you dry hump with your sister's friend?????

Cut your wife a break. She just as a child 7 months ago. A woman's body changes. Don't you think it we would love it if it just bounced back? Unfortunetly, that's not reality because women are real people with real human bodies.

It certainly isn't any easier on her. However, I think you need to talk her, in a serious adult conversation. Maybe even go to counceling. Because right now you sound more like frat boy then grown up adult man with a young family. I am sure she isn't exactly feeling young and pretty herself right now. And usually when a woman doesn't feel good about her body, she doesn't always feel like having hot sex either. Also, most women usually pick up on when their man is oggling other women. No matter how well he thinks he is hiding it. That doens't exactly make women feel like jumping into bed with their husbands either. If you really love your son and your wife, then you will do the right thing.
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Old 7th September 2009, 2:01 AM   #4
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Help for the fearful

Before asking you if you are - LOL - if you are shallow - I will reveal my own shallowness, my wifes shallowness and the hypocrisy of those around us who will speak of the invincible power of romantic love.

Wait - I have changed my mind. I am going to be fickle and address the invincible power of romantic love first. The basic premise goes like this. In the beginning you get to place as much importance as you want on looks because well, that is just part of falling in love. But once you fall in love and get married, you are not allowed to react adversely to your partners level of fitness, lack of fitness, their weight, be it too high or too low. Because you married them for better or worse, etc.

But here is the gigantic flaw in that thinking. First of all a partner who lets themself go may create a physical reaction in your body that you simply have no control over. It may strongly turn you off. Separate from that reaction, it might make you emotionally react if you feel that your partner sees being married to YOU, as meaning that they no longer need to take care of themselves. It is as if they don't think you are worthy of their "EFFORT". This might cause you to question their commitment to you, the marriage, at minimum to the passion in your marriage.

My wife and I both think that part of being committed to your marriage means being commited to staying fit. So according to some - that makes us shallow. It is also one reason that after 20 years of marriage and at 46, I still absolutely crave my wife emotionally, physically and yes sexually. And she seems to feel the same way - though admittedly her libido has never been as high as mine.

So back to you. WHY are you losing attraction to your wife? There must be a reason/or several reasons. You indirectly mention going to the gym, but comment that she isn't likely to follow. Has she let herself go? Has she gained a lot of weight? Are you afraid to talk to her about what is happening?



I don't choose what turns me on, things either do or don't. To be fair I have some influence - like I don't waste sexual energy on porn, and focus ALL my sexual energy on my wife. But then - she does the exact same thing for me.




Quote:
Originally Posted by typesafe View Post
Here goes a fairly typical story, I presume. However, I am truly lost right now and would appreciate any feedback from the community.

I am 26 years old and married my wife when I was 22. We now have a 7 month old son... the most beautiful baby boy ever. The wife is five years older than me and has been a wonderful partner. I love her dearly. I couldn't imagine a more fitting mother of my child. She is a strong woman.

However, I am losing my attraction to her. Each year that has passed since we have gotten together, we have learned to compromise and love each other more, and at the same time our sex lives become more barren. Before we decided to have a child, we probably had sex a few times in that last year. This is mainly due to two things: 1) I am losing my attraction to her, and 2) she will not be "sexy" and never initiates sex. I usually just break down after months of no sex (and I have a ferocious sexual appetite.) When I break down, I'll finally just focus on her breasts which is pretty much the only thing that can turn me on. When I do this, she knows "it's time to have sex", and we get it over with. Then we go about our lives again.

I've known this is a big problem. We've both acknowledged that we have "sex problems", however I cannot be completely honest with her about why. I keep repressing it. It seems impossible to fix. I cannot go to my love and say "I am not attracted to you anymore."

I have thought about trying even harder to be attractive myself (going to the gym more often, etc.) in hopes that she will want to follow my example. But I have low hopes for this.

Now I have become a lowly stereotype of a male who now ogles at women everywhere around me. I masturbate daily to cope. The wife knows I masturbate regularly (although it is a very private affair for me) and she feels like it must just be a normal guy thing.

But I realized the other night just how dangerous this situation is. I had a "night out" with my siblings (it was my sister's birthday). The wife stayed at home while I went out. After a couple of drinks, I could barely control myself. At one point I was dancing with a total bombshell of a girl (who is friends with my sis... just met her that night) and we started groping each other. I finally had to say "I'm so sorry. I would LOVE to continue this, but I'm married." And even though I felt ashamed of falling into such a pitiful stereotype, I felt like an animal! I felt like I could barely control it. If that girl had continued dancing/groping with me, I would have had a harder and harder time saying "no." I now realize just how dangerous of a line I'm walking.

I really don't know what to do. I am a new (and VERY proud) father. However, our relationship has also been very strained by the new stresses of being parents on top of everything else in life.

Sexually, I feel like I'm going to explode. Being married since 22, and being married to someone I'm losing attraction to, I just feel like my youth is being robbed. I feel so selfish saying these things and I really don't feel comfortable discussing these things with people I know. Thus this forum is the place where I'm turning.

It's nice reading some other posts here at loveshack and seeing that maybe I'm just human and not a creep. But where do I go from here? I feel very lost and depressed. Thank you all for taking the time to read this.
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Old 7th September 2009, 2:07 AM   #5
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I am hard on women who act like this so I must be consistent and say to get over it. You have a good woman in your life who might not look like a sex goddess all the time but she is a new mother so cut her some slack. She is busy raising your son so excuse her if she can't look like some hollywood babe all the time. I would book a trusted person to watch your son so the two of you can have a night out alone to keep the marriage going. It is important to do that when you have a new child around.
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Old 7th September 2009, 2:11 AM   #6
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sounds like victomology

I grew up in Jersey also - must have been the opposite end of the state since we see things so very differently - MEM

>>>>>>
This is not about the baby. He said they had sex a few times in the year BEFORE she got pregnant. For a 24/25 year old man and a 29/30 year old women to be having sex a "few times" in a year is PROFOUNDLY broken. You can attack him all you want about not being sympathetic to his wifes child bearing weight gain, but this problem was severe before the child.

And you can say she "sensed" his lack of attraction before the pregnancy and was hurt and that made her withdraw sexually. All of which might be true. But at what point do you say - SHE is responsible for a healthy sex life too and that means SHE needs to ask, what is happening that is causing you to lose your desire for me? Heck, if it was in the other direction we would ALL be asking him, "have you asked her why she lost her desire for you"?

It is not realistic to expect a high drive male - in his twenties - to succeed in a sexless marriage. He will either fail by cheating - and yes I agree that is failure, or they will divorce. But it is totally one sided to put ALL the blame on him.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Jersey Shortie View Post
How did your family react seeing you dry hump with your sister's friend?????

Cut your wife a break. She just as a child 7 months ago. A woman's body changes. Don't you think it we would love it if it just bounced back? Unfortunetly, that's not reality because women are real people with real human bodies.

It certainly isn't any easier on her. However, I think you need to talk her, in a serious adult conversation. Maybe even go to counceling. Because right now you sound more like frat boy then grown up adult man with a young family. I am sure she isn't exactly feeling young and pretty herself right now. And usually when a woman doesn't feel good about her body, she doesn't always feel like having hot sex either. Also, most women usually pick up on when their man is oggling other women. No matter how well he thinks he is hiding it. That doens't exactly make women feel like jumping into bed with their husbands either. If you really love your son and your wife, then you will do the right thing.
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Old 7th September 2009, 2:35 AM   #7
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I want to quickly thank everyone who has posted thus far. I feel like ALL of you are correct, even though several of you are saying different things. I feel very shallow right now. When one person called me a "frat boy", I temporarily felt a flash of anger, but then I realized that by posting I should be fully open to what everyone has to say... and I agree that I deserve this.

I also want to thank those who have posted in my wife's defense. Yes, having a baby has been VERY difficult on her, in so many ways. We never knew just how hard everything would hit us. You are all correct to come to my wife's defense. I must repeat here however that this problem has been years in the making. As I stated in the original post, we only had sex a few times in the year BEFORE we decided to have a child. Not that this greatly changes things (I should definitely be MORE attentive to my wife now that she has had a child and is she is feeling unattractive.) However, I wanted to keep that perspective in this post.

To make things clear, cheating on my wife is not an option for me. Neither is divorce. If those were options for me, I wouldn't even be posting on this forum. (Or, at least, it would have a different tune to it, I suppose.) It would take quite a bit more marital problems than we currently have to justify a divorce... I am 100% committed to my family.

This is where so much of my shame comes from. The way I am behaving... my "ogling" and such, I hate it. Yet the idea of not having great sex again for the next 50 or so years... I just can't even think about it. I just bury my head in the sand.

I am particularly scared about how to open the conversation on the issue (if that were to be the best way to approach.) Perhaps I should avoid the topic and simply be more supportive/romantic? What do you all think? I don't want to say something for the sake of being honest that could in reality leave a scar for months or even years. I would rather just try to bump up the romance... sigh. It's just that we've been saying this for years and it hasn't really changed.

I have been very against therapy in the past. But perhaps that is a way to go. How many of you would say that therapy has helped your marriage?

Thank you again everyone.
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Old 7th September 2009, 3:11 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by typesafe View Post
...

This is where so much of my shame comes from. The way I am behaving... my "ogling" and such, I hate it. Yet the idea of not having great sex again for the next 50 or so years... I just can't even think about it. I just bury my head in the sand.
I don't think burying your head in the sand is a good idea. At all.


Quote:
I am particularly scared about how to open the conversation on the issue (if that were to be the best way to approach.) Perhaps I should avoid the topic and simply be more supportive/romantic? What do you all think? I don't want to say something for the sake of being honest that could in reality leave a scar for months or even years. I would rather just try to bump up the romance... sigh. It's just that we've been saying this for years and it hasn't really changed.
...
What exactly is it about her that you don't feel attracted to?

You say she's 5 years older. That's hardly a difference at all.

Aesthetics is important to a lot of people. BUT! So is realism, and understanding none of us is so hot, either.

Yet and still, if physical attraction is important to you, you needn't apologize for it, unless you are asking for the impossible.

So what is it?
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Old 7th September 2009, 8:31 AM   #9
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I'm curious about what it is you are not attracted to as well. Is a physical thing? Or is it the shift from lovers to roommates? I know when I was married our sex life became dismal, and my exH told me long after the fact that he lost attraction to me because I was never in a sexual context for him anymore. I gained weight, was depressed and did not a damned thing about it - I was lazy, and felt entitled to be selfish about sex. I made him miserable, and I can only see that clearly now that it is years over. I basically represented resentment, frustration and anger for him. He represented the same for me. He was young like you, and I was six years older. I won't make that mistake again, and he won't make the mistake of holding in his feelings about it with his new woman, should it come up.

Hard to be attracted to someone when you can't even put them in a sexual context anymore.

I think your honesty with yourself is a good thing. Losing attraction is a natural thing, something that far too many people seem to think isn't natural. When your brain chemistry changes, it changes - end of story. Not much you can do to control your natural urges (or repulsions).

That is where compromise comes in. If it is a physical thing, then your wife needs to know that (and not in an ugly way, either). It is better for her to be in shape anyway. Staying healthy means giving yourself the best shot at avoiding cancers and circulatory problems. I should know! If you need to get in shape, participate with her. Make it a couple's thing where you both accomplish something. Set a healthy example for your child. Eat healthier, work out, etc.

If it is a mental thing where your brain has been forced through lack of sexuality in your marriage, then that is something you will both have to work on. She will need to respect your sexual needs and step up to the plate out of love for you and a willingness to see your marriage work, and you will need to understand that her doing that is as much of a compromise for her as overlooking her lack of sex is for you.

It will take some hard work for you both. You'll have to retrain your bodies, if not your brains, both of you, if there is any chance for this to work. Your marriage will either implode, or will simply die with a whimper and run on dead inertia for the rest of your days. Don't let that happen - when that happens, affairs happen, and really bad things can happen after that. Unnecessary hurt. All which could have been prevented with just a moment of painful honesty early on.
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Old 7th September 2009, 9:07 AM   #10
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Hummm... this is hard..

and for those who said it is probably PPD.. I disagree... they weren't sexual BEFORE she had the baby...

My question to the OP.. why choose to have a baby then?

This will NOT get better... you're are losing your sexual attraction for her.. next thing you will resent her..

I am not sure what advice I can give you.. since I don't believe much in therapy... in the sense that it can take years before you find a GOOD one.. a lot are crappy.. (anyone can be therapist)... btdt...

Wait.. maybe the only advice I can see right now.. is to have a VERY SERIOUS talk with her.. Tell her that you can't live like that... and she needs to respect her side of the 'deal'... If she doesn't .. then she's cheating you ...

If you let things go.. it will get worst.. You are waaaayyy too young to live a sexless life.. and trust me.. you will eventually cheat.. I don't care how much you say you'll never do it.. you'll end up doing it..

Oh.. one more advice.. don't have another child.. ppppppleeeassseee...
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Old 7th September 2009, 9:15 AM   #11
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they weren't sexual BEFORE she had the baby...
Well. There had to have been sex before the baby or the baby would not have come along.

Now on a serious note, Ummmm.. I know that after having my first child my sex life took a nose dive. Was to wrapped up with the new arrival. but as time passed and we learned how to find time for one another things improved. So give it time. A new baby is a big adjustment for a couple. And if by chance you think she has PPD, it's best to get that treated right away. Good luck.

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Old 7th September 2009, 10:11 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by typesafe View Post
.

But I realized the other night just how dangerous this situation is. I had a "night out" with my siblings (it was my sister's birthday). The wife stayed at home while I went out. After a couple of drinks, I could barely control myself. At one point I was dancing with a total bombshell of a girl (who is friends with my sis... just met her that night) and we started groping each other. I finally had to say "I'm so sorry. I would LOVE to continue this, but I'm married." And even though I felt ashamed of falling into such a pitiful stereotype, I felt like an animal! I felt like I could barely control it. If that girl had continued dancing/groping with me, I would have had a harder and harder time saying "no." I now realize just how dangerous of a line I'm walking.
You had a sexual interaction with anather woman while your wife stayed home and watched your son. Yes, he is your son, even though, I sense you are doing little to really take care of him.

You have no respect for your wife and no respect for your familly. The good thing is that your son is very young. If you divorce your wife now, your son will not experience the same amount of pain if you wait untill later. Pleas trust me on this. Your familly will, sooner or later, fall apart. It is better to take care of business now rather than drag this out. Good luck.
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Old 7th September 2009, 10:17 AM   #13
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LS Seldom sees posts about attractiveness.....

We have plenty complaining about sexless marriages, but seldom, very surprisingly have we seen someone saying they are not "physically attracted" to their spouse....

I have found this fascinating especially when I do see people grow older and less attractive in many cases. How often do you see couples and wonder why they are together (usually with kids), when one spouse seems much more attractive/in shape/youthful????

Here we have a way too young couple in this situation, that began well before the child. This sounds doomed (sorry to say) for a number of reasons and I wonder why this couple has been together with this lingering issue (and now a child).

I appreciate the OP's honesty and for once we have a spouse honestly saying they are not sexually attracted to their spouse and for the simple reason, they don't find their spouse attractive.

I do remember only one male, who was a narcissist talking about his spouse (met at the gym), putting on 10 Lbs, which was the extreme and somewhat funny, if not so overtly the top. Come to think of it Mem11363 too has admitted that he and his spouse are too a little too preoccupied by physical attractiveness. Other then that, we see very little complaining about looks, which to me is surprising for this site.
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Old 7th September 2009, 10:38 AM   #14
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Without more info about how their sex lives got off track - and again, has nothing to do with and happened long before her pregnancy - it's hard to respond. Was there a normal amount of sex early on? Has one partner let themselves go? OP, we need more background...

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Old 7th September 2009, 10:50 AM   #15
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OP, we need more background...

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He's probably too busy masturbating...
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