After a year of marriage, my wife has fallen out of love with me

[soundwave]

Hello everyone. And thank you for taking the time to help me, I need some advice.

 

So I been with my wife for 4 years, married for 1 year. And she asked me to leave our place to go to stay with my parents for a few months until she figures things out figures out if she even wants to be married to me.

 

I blame myself for even engaging in a relationship with her but I did and here I am. We met in 2005 at one of our old jobs. And she was married with 2 children at the time. However, she sold me a story that she was no longer in love with her husband, and they had an understanding that he was moving out of their place at the end of the year. She stated to me that they slept in separatebeds and had not had sex in months. So, I decided to date her.

 

As time went on, I started to fall in love with her. A month into us dating, she accidentally left her cell phone at home, and her husband read thru her phone and all of her texts. When she went back home he threw her on the ground and spit at her. No mind you when she told me this, it still didn't register that she cheated on her husband and that's why he reacted in the manner that he did. So pretty much the foundation of our relationship was based on lies. And it really didn't click for me that I ruined a family until month later.

 

To make a long story short my wife has two fathers for each of her 2 children, has been in the foster care system as a teen, has depression, and her family has a history of mental illness as her mother suffers from schizophrenia. My wife feels guilt for what she did to her ex husband, and for other issues and her life. She doubts life and even questions her purpose in life.

 

As far as for me, even with all those issues I still love her. However, over the years my temper has gotten worse, and my confidence has lowered as I am insecure about my relationship with her. But today was confirmation for what I have been feeling for quite sometime. She finally admitted she has fallen out of love with me and has been feeling like this for almost 2 years. She states she has not met anyone, she just doesn't know if she wants to be married to me anymore.

 

We have a counseling appointment next Saturday. Any advice is appreciated. And yes I know I am a fool for even lasting this long. But if we do end up divorced at least I know I tried. Also, she expects me or would like me to continue paying bills and rent even though I do not live there. What's your opinion on that. And should I do tough love and not pay anything? Thanks.

[soundwave]

And also I do not believe in divorce, even tho I caused one.

[Vet]

We have a counseling appointment next Saturday. Any advice is appreciated. And yes I know I am a fool for even lasting this long. But if we do end up divorced at least I know I tried. Also, she expects me or would like me to continue paying bills and rent even though I do not live there. What's your opinion on that. And should I do tough love and not pay anything? Thanks.

 

It sounds like she's pretty checked out; I don't know how much counseling will help you repair your marriage, but use it to find some sort of closure. Be completely honest with her and yourself about how you feel. I don't think you have any obligation to leave your home, but if your name is on the lease, you are legally obligated to keep paying, whether you live there or not. Tough love doesn't really factor into it. If she can't live with you in the home, she needs to find somewhere for her and her children to live.

[Vet]

And also I do not believe in divorce, even tho I caused one.

 

Believe it or not, you probably need to prepare yourself for that outcome.

[Thaddeus]

Vet is right, she's already checked out of the marriage. Given her somewhat spotty relationship history, it sounds like she's been sucked into the Hollywood notion that love should be all hearts-and-flowers/flutterings in the belly/mutual orgasms forever. She hasn't come to the mature realization that love and commitment takes work, so when suddenly she doesn't have those "feelings" anymore, she figures the relationship is over and she moves on to the next victim.

 

As for this:

Also, she expects me or would like me to continue paying bills and rent even though I do not live there. What's your opinion on that. And should I do tough love and not pay anything? Thanks.

Get a lawyer. Stat.

[soundwave]

Thanks Vet. Actually the lease is up on 9/12/09. But she went ahead and signed for another year. I declined and I told her she needs to move out and find something cheaper but she didn't listen to me. I'm just in a predicament because my parents will be charging me rent soon as well for staying here.

Yes I know I have to prepare for the outcome of divorce. I just don't want to go that route. But thanks Vet.

[Vet]

Thanks Vet. Actually the lease is up on 9/12/09. But she went ahead and signed for another year. I declined and I told her she needs to move out and find something cheaper but she didn't listen to me. I'm just in a predicament because my parents will be charging me rent soon as well for staying here.

Yes I know I have to prepare for the outcome of divorce. I just don't want to go that route. But thanks Vet.

 

Listen to Thaddeus: You need retain an attorney now. I'm not a lawyer, but depending on your state, I believe that even if you personally did not sign the lease, if you live there under the terms of the lease, you can be held liable just by virtue of being married. It sounds like your marriage is over, and to compound matters, this could be very expensive for you if you don't act quickly.

[soundwave]

I did a quick search for the laws in my state and it stated if we make the same amount of money and work, then spousal support will not be ordered. Also the length of the marriage is a factor too. I think I will be cool, but I definitely will retain an attorney if she serves me with divorce papers. Now that I think of it, I may need to even consult tenant association for the state and see what financial responsibility I have when I do not live with my wife nor is my name on the lease or any of the bills. I will contact them on Monday and go from there.

I know with her ex husband she just did a simple divorce and didn't even seek child support for the child they have together.

 

But thanks for opening my eyes about that.

 

I still believe that only God can save our marriage so I will put it in His hands. And whatever happens at that point so be it. Maybe I can come back and post had God saved us, as that would be a true testimony. Whatever happens I will update it here.

[Thaddeus]

I think I will be cool, but I definitely will retain an attorney if she serves me with divorce papers.

No. Waiting for her to do something puts her in control. Don't wait for her to do anything. You're going to have to step up to the plate here and take charge of your legal and financial future.

[Vet]

I did a quick search for the laws in my state and it stated if we make the same amount of money and work, then spousal support will not be ordered. Also the length of the marriage is a factor too. I think I will be cool, but I definitely will retain an attorney if she serves me with divorce papers. Now that I think of it, I may need to even consult tenant association for the state and see what financial responsibility I have when I do not live with my wife nor is my name on the lease or any of the bills. I will contact them on Monday and go from there.

I know with her ex husband she just did a simple divorce and didn't even seek child support for the child they have together.

 

But thanks for opening my eyes about that.

 

I still believe that only God can save our marriage so I will put it in His hands. And whatever happens at that point so be it. Maybe I can come back and post had God saved us, as that would be a true testimony. Whatever happens I will update it here.

 

Your attorney would be able to give you better advice, but from what you're saying, I think you should file for separation immediately to protect yourself from having to pay for a year's (or whatever the lease term is) worth of rent for a place you aren't even living in.

 

I'd believe in yourself first; God hasn't prevented your wife from acting the way she has, and it doesn't sound like he's going to do much else. If it happens to turn around, put the credit on you and your wife for working through it.