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when she tells you she no longer has any feelings


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I've been with her 25 years. I was not always well. I treated her bad, often. I was demanding, I was selfish. Then I got better. I changed my ways. She's finding it strange, this change. She doubts my sincerity. I've always loved her and always did. I had an anxiety disorder, like my mother had, like her mother had. It turned me into a monster at times. I've apologized and vowed to make it up to her. I'm to blame. Things are fine now, I love her like a man should love his wife. We've raised two kids together. It wasn't always hell, there were good times. She says there are no more tears left to cry, that the well is dry. I understand. It hurt me deeply hearing this, I didn't ask to be sick. If I tell her I love her she can't reciprocate so I've quit telling her. I just treat her in loving ways and she treats me the same. I've asked God to make this mess better and things are getting better day by day. If all falls apart then it will be his will and I will go on as she will. We all deserve to be loved and to love in return. When she was sick, and she has been very sick numerous times, I was there. It wasn't easy because I was ill as well. Mental health issues are hell to explain to others. I come from a broken home so another break-up won't be the end of the world. I survived and I will survive again. Something tells me she still loves me. I know she misses me when we're apart, so maybe there's hope. Its just that we've been through so much (for better and worse).

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amaysngrace

So she told you she has no feelings for you anymore?

 

You should believe her. Yeah maybe she's going through the motions but her heart's not in it. Don't waste your love on her if she can't return it. You'd be doing you both a favor to call it quits.

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Don't give up. Don't stop telling her you love her. Show her everyday how much you cherish her. Do all you can to talk to her, listen to her, support her. Make her laugh. Make her feel that she is the most important person in your life. Every day.

 

Stay the course. Keep your mental illness as fixed as possible. Take your meds and if they stop working, get to a doctor immediately. Go to weekly counseling. Do it all.

 

Let her talk everyday, encourage her to speak of how hard all those years of living with you were. You'd do no less for a friend, would you?

 

I, too have lived with a spouse who suffers from mental instability. It chips small pieces from your heart over many, many years.

 

You pray and hope that your spouse will get it right and get happy, "normal" so that will be happier with you.

 

You know they aren't downright abusive because you would never love, nor stay with a man who was abusive. So you start to make a million excuses such as, if he could just get his anxiety under control, he wouldn't get so angry at me and the kids.

 

You wind up staying in a situation much longer than you should because of all this hope in your heart that it should/could be so different if only they got their head straight.

 

When their mental illness wanes during short periods, you see a glimpse of the kind and caring person you fell in love with and your hopes raise only to get dashed again when their disease spirals downward.

 

Your loves ends not with a bang, but with a whimper. You are worn out to the bone, always scared the other shoe will drop, afraid to trust the improvements you do see. It is easier to have no feelings left to lose...again.

 

Let her talk, talk, talk. She wants guarantees that the two of you are not going down that dark path together again. I no you can't in complete confidence giver her that reassurance, but try, try, try all you can to do so.

 

Good luck.

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LakesideDream

You can't expect a woman (or anyone) to remain "in love" with a self proclaimed "monster". Sometimes we do damage to our spouses that cannot be repaired.

 

As you go through the work to re-establish your marriage, keep in mind that there is a possibility that it's beyond fixing.

 

That being said, good luck on your quest.

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Are the two of you in therapy or counseling. Sounds like both of you should be. I hear alot of analygies here where people say it's over and can't be fixed. I say hogwash. You never give up, never. Maybe it's just my never quit attitude, but my feelings are that with alot of hard work on both ends, anything can be accomplished. Marriages end usually because one of the parties just gives up.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Today she told me she loves me. She hadn't said that in weeks. Things are very good health wise and I'm doing my best. Things are looking up. Maybe I can fix things after all.

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  • 1 month later...
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Well its been two weeks. She picked up and left. Looking back I don't think I was that much of a monster. I never called her names, hit her, cheated on her, I was just very picky about stupid things because I was sick (anxiety disorder). I also had issues with her family which were always in our lives ,daily. I'm better now but she feels on edge around me, always thinking she has to keep me happy. I couldn't care less if she spent the day in pajamas and curlers, but she is not convinced. She says she doesn't want to be with me anymore yet not that long ago she followed me for walks when I left alone. Her actions constantly betray her words. Now she's out she only speaks to me after consulting friends or family (no kidding). It hurt like hell at first but now I'm starting to realize why my anxiety went through the roof. It was her and her needs. All the work around my house was by me and me alone but she would say we did it. She returned from work, the house was clean, supper was on the table, and her foot bath was under it waiting for her. At night , I would cuddle if she was too tired for sex, rub her back with baby oil, play guitar to put her asleep. And I'm feeling guilt for being sick? Call myself a monster for getting upset with a little woman who knew all my buttons? I'm moving on, she wasn't that great. What was I thinking?

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