For me a Bombshell discovery

[toughchoices]

I have a previous thread from a year or 2 ago with marriage difficulties. In a way it relates to this but a complete rehash isn't necessary. This current discovery has left me completely devastated.

 

My wife and I have had our issues and alot of that has been based on me not trusting her and money issues related to that. Before we were married she didn't come clean completely about her previous marriage. I knew of it but I only discovered what I "believe" is the whole truth after 2yrs of marriage. We are coming up on 5 now. Her first husband was gay and from what I understand essentially ran away right after the wedding. This much I knew. I did ask her point blank looking her in the eyes before our marriage "Did you walk down the aisle?" She denied it. Said it was just a blessing no ceremony. I accepted it. I was wrong. She had a very expensive wedding and since it wasn't in a church but at a resort she used that as justification for the denial. Ouch!

 

Also, she has continually not been upfront about her finances and debt problems. Didn't find out again until after we were married that her previous house had been foreclosed. (This was several years ago before this current market) I assumed as she told me it was being rented and we would eventually sell and get the money. This is why she wouldn't allow her info to be checked when we purchased our house or car. She knew her credit was tanked. I have strong evidence to this day she is still hiding debt from me.

 

The bombshell I just discovered and she doesn't know I know is that she was repeatedly sexually abused as a child. I am at a complete loss. In a way for me it does clarify some of the trust issues and secretiveness she displays. I don't fault her for what happened at all. I know she was the victim but not telling me makes me feel like another victim in the fallout.

 

This first line advice is going to be counseling I know. We have been there and are somewhat doing that. I am in IC. She sees a psychiatrist and is on meds. I thought for depression and possible bipolar. Turns out there is alot more. What hurts me is that even with the psych and the previous MC this never came up. I feel for her and the hurt she must endure everyday. Yet I am upset at the lack of disclosure. Had I know it would have changed how I view and interact with her when we do hit our rough spots. At this point though I also think I might have decided against the marriage and could now be in a happy and healthy relationship.

 

Oddly she is very sexually active with me and desires closeness. This seems to contradict some of what I have read on the subject. She has more of a sexual appetite than I. I still desire sex but due to our problems I am lukewarm for the most part. Right now I find it hard to look at her at times and at others I want to rush in and hold her and take the pain away. I can't imaging having sex with her now and she is starting to ask when we are going to "do it" again.

 

I haven't told her I know yet because when she gets down with other things it really kicks up the depression. I feel this may put her over the edge with an actual act of self harm. It was less than a month ago she wished she could kill herself. I need this to be done with the psychiatrist because I am afraid of the outcome. Please give me advice. I feel like a horrible person but I just want to leave her and forget all this. I know that I never will and it is going to haunt me forever.

[stuckinoz]

We all have a past. Some things are way too painful to discuss even with our best friend or spouse. I"m curious though how did you find out this information?

[toughchoices]

I found a word file she wrote on the computer while installing a printer driver and checking to see if it worked. In some ways I wish this had never been known, however, knowing will help either in me finally being able to understand her or being able to say this wasn't to be and moving on. Even before this I treated my marriage somewhat like a drinking problem. I got through it one day at a time. Just unhealthy and now I understand why.

[GorillaTheater]

I don't know what else is going on in your relationship beyond the financial aspects, but I can't agree that revelations of your wife's past abuse should be the deal-killer. Abuse as a child can be so scarring, so utterly horrific, that I suspect many people never talk about it, others only after decades of struggling, like your wife. Her silence is NOT a reflection on you (unless she doesn't trust you enough to share, which under the circumstances seems possible), and you don't get to be the victim here.

 

But what to do about your knowledge? I'm not sure. I'd be tempted to give it some time to see if she brings it up and if she doesn't, tell her as gently and lovingly as you can that you know about it, how you found out about it, and tell her that you're there for her. And hold her.

[toughchoices]

She has never trusted me enough to come out and tell me her past (not this issue but the money, the previous marriage, etc) and I can't trust her. It has tainted every day of our marriage. Try loving someone and building a life with them if they don't trust you and you can't trust them.

 

Also, she has, in hindsight, said on many occassions something to the effect "at least I was never sexually abuse or raped". This always struck me as odd on how she would bring it up but I never had reason to doubt or question this until now. She has also made similar comments on never being pregnant or having an abortion. I can't believe these statements at this time either. I don't know who I married. In part probably because she doesn't really know herself or doesn't like who she is because of what happened. Like I said I do want to hold her and take the pain away but most of the time I just want to avoid her. She has discussed our sexual history(some issues with satisfaction initially) with her abuser and this makes me very angry. How do you deal with that?

[GorillaTheater]

She has discussed our sexual history(some issues with satisfaction initially) with her abuser and this makes me very angry. How do you deal with that?

 

I take it then that the abuser is a family member. It's got to be a bitch when you feel like she can confide in the abuser more than she can you. All I can say is that if something is going to be the cause of the end of your marriage, her not telling you about the abuse shouldn't be it. For lack of better words, it just doesn't seem honorable. But there may be other reasons. Your marriage may be too broken to repair even without this particular nugget, I don't know. I do suggest several conversations on the topic with your therapist and see what you can come up with. Hang in there for now.

[toughchoices]

Yes it is a family member and I have thought the marriage was over a long time before this info. I had been trying to push through but this is just another in a long string of revelations kept secret. I totally understand the hurt she has been caused and wanting to keep this under wraps but combined with other issues it just doesn't seem like I'll ever be happy with her.

 

I do somewhat differ on her not telling me about the abuse because problems associated with it and her depression caused by it have really torpedoed our marriage. If we had a great loving caring relationship and this came out then no biggie. But she has serious issues from this as you can imagine and these were never revealed to me. How could I help and understand and do well in a relationship with this hidden? She has denied me a health happy relationship by all the secrets, this is just the biggest to date.

 

My big problem right now is that she seems to be doing better emotionally now than ever before. I am numb to the marriage at this point. When this gets out I am not sure how she will respond but I can see her spiraling into a deep depression at the very least. It wasn't more than 2-3 weeks ago she had to call the on-call psychiatrist for help.

[Trialbyfire]

touchchoices, you're not responsible to fix her. It's her responsibility to disclose and in not doing so, as well as lying about it, has based a marriage on false foundations.

[Star Gazer]

Like you said over a year ago, before this so-called "devastating" bombshell, you've been looking for a reason to get a divorce. You think this "new" information is enough justification. Me thinks you're just blame shifting, to obsolve yourself of the guilt you feel.

 

Just take a look at your past comments:

 

My problem is that I am not very happy in being married. Never really have been. The confounding problem is that my wife is a good person and she doesn’t deserve to have me divorce her and make her feel the misery I feel.

 

We are going to start MC but the truth is if I could get out right now without any consequences or hurting her by leaving I would. Life would be great with a reset button wouldn’t it?

 

I know she truly loves me in a way that I don’t love her. I think she is a great friend and love her but for the most part I’m not “in love” with her. Hard to explain although I think some of you out there know what I am talking about.

 

The whole thing came to a head last weekend and I really lost it when she was overdrawn on her checking account yet again. Second time this month alone. Anyway I threw a fit and then tossed my wedding ring at her. Major bad move I know. It really hurt her emotionally. At that point the fighting continued but in the end we did have a good discussion about us and how I have been feeling and whether I still love her and want to get a divorce or try to work it out. During that conversation she even offered to leave me and let me start over with reference to me being able to find someone younger and have a family. That is why I can say she is a good person, truly loves me, and doesn’t deserve to be hurt again.

 

As I said I haven’t been thrilled about being married for a variety of reasons. I feel trapped, I want someone who will do more active things with me, cooks more for me, etc. She doesn’t work but does do some volunteer work. I work about 45-50 hours per week and do most of the shopping, my own laundry, and cooking (she maybe cooks 2-3 times per month). She’ll have been out at meetings and forgets to pick up some dog food or groceries so I have to stop on my way home from work. Those kinds of things upset me.

 

What made me decide to talk to my wife in the first place that week was this terrible crush I had recently developed on someone I know.

 

The point about being a Mom and W are things I have thought of also. I see other women running around with two or more kids in tow at the grocery store and wonder if my wife could pull it off.

 

There is attraction sometimes but overall I don't think so.

 

Regarding the money: my wife grew up in a family with a certain standard of living. We live very well but are not to the point of what she had when growing up. BTW her money is for her to do with as she pleases but I don't want her to get us into debt. I make the house payment, the car payment, all utilities and insurances. She pays for a cleaning lady she wanted to have and the lawn service she wanted.

 

I will also add that I am by no means perfect. I tend to hold things in and then explode. Verbally I can very loud and scary. She understandably does not like this and I know I need to work on it.

 

The money she gets monthly is from a trust fund as well as money I give on occassion.

 

What I feel however is that she did not tell him that before we were married I asked her point blank and very directly were you married, was there a ceremony, did you walk down the aisle? She said emphatically NO! This was untrue if you have seen my previous posts and I don't think the therapist is aware of this. That is also perhaps why I can't let it go. I don't trust her because she directly lied to me and knows if I had known I may not have gone through with the wedding.

 

My...life you have a good point about envisioning the future. I have done that in the past or just thought about the two of us when I am 50 or so. The picture I get is not pretty. Something along the lines of wanting to be dead or killing myself at that juncture. Not good I am sure. I see myself facing every day at that time full of regrets for not getting out and despair for letting this happen to me(I actually feel that way now). Again, trouble is that my wife is a good person who truly has been through some crappy stuff in her life in the past.

 

She can't wait to see my when I get home or talk to me on the phone. On the other hand when she is out and comes back I feel like fun time is over and dread seeing her. By fun time I mean being by myself and her not being around. I am so sorry for putting her through this. Felt good at the beginning of this post but at this point I am feeling pretty low. One of the things I have admitted to her is that she can't make me happy(as she wants and trys to) because I am basically unhappy with myself.

 

The thing with getting married looking back on it is that I guess it all just happened so fast. We were together about two years before being married but it just was assumed we would get married. I had reservations before the wedding but was too cowardly or immature to put a stop to it. I am obviously regretting that now.

 

I am not sure if I gave all the background on us trying to have children so here it is. We have tried for years, since we were first married. We have spent tens of thousands of dollars on infertility treatments. The money came from her trust fund so that is a big contribution I need to acknowledge. The kicker is that none of the attempts have been successful obviously. The heart break is that in that time we have conceived on our own twice only to have a miscarriage each time. The second time we actually were far enough along to see a heartbeat on the US. The pain of not seeing a heartbeat on the next visit was devastating. This has affected both of us. Maybe her more at first and she has recovered/ing but now I think about it quite a bit even though it was almost a year ago.

 

Things have been going really well at home recently but I am still not sure I want to be married in 5-10 years down the road. Sounds harsh but from what I have read on LS my wife deserves someone who loves her as much as she loves me. If I am not that person I owe it to us both to admit it. Otherwise I think I'll be unhappy and it will make her unhappy in the end.

 

I have been trying to convince myself it is ok to get a divorce. Things are going better at home and at this point my feelings are starting to change/evolve. I still am not convinced at staying married but I don't have this overwhelming sense of doom and despair about it like I did before. Another problem is that I have made some changes for the better and am trying to work at the marriage. At this point it would really shock and hurt my wife if I just said I still want a divorce. Now I think that is what I want, I don't know that is what I want like it was before. So, overall progress. Who knows what the feelings will be in the next few weeks/months. I do want it to work but I still don't have that feeling of true and total love back.

As for the crush...yes it would be great to pursue...One of the problems is this feeling or desire I have to just be single and be out there dating. My wife is the only woman I have ever been with(sexually). I feel like I have missed out in some way. Very selfish of me.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t145642/

 

Everything you wrote makes me feel so sad for your wife.

[Trialbyfire]

Wow SG! Sounds like both parties need fixing.

[Star Gazer]

I went back and read to see the background, as I'm always surprised when people don't know certain things before getting married. That's what I found, and it's from February 2008.

[pparrott]

Funny (not the Ha Ha kind) how sometimes we (me too) forget some of the earlier posts. When you've been here for a while, sometimes it just all starts to run together:confused:

[toughchoices]

I knew all of that was there but also forgot myself. In a way looking at those quotes we have come a very long way from where we were.

 

SG I do feel guilt but am not(don't feel I am) trying blame shift. There was a whole part of my wife that was unknown to me and purposefully hidden even when asked. I have a large part to play in this as well as you can see. But none of my other relationships now in life or in the past have been like this. For some reason I (did) allow her to affect my responses in a very bad way. I have changed those behaviors through IC.