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Girlfriend not interested in sex


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Old 7th April 2009, 10:48 AM   #1
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Unhappy Girlfriend not interested in sex

Hello
My girlfriend and I are having problems about having intercourse. We have been together for almost a year and our sexual life was great, no problems at all. But, as many couples we have fights. One of them put me very down and not sure about the relationship. Unfortunately i didnt see when she tried to let me know she wanted to have sex, so she felt rejected by me.
I really love her and I do want the best for us. The problem is that now she is having problems to have sex, she can't relax and let go, she stresses and then it hurts her, of course.
She knows it's a problem and she is afraid of losing me because of it, I let her know that it wont happen and that the relationship we have is more important, and that the sexual life will get better, but I don't know actually.
I really want to solve this issue and even if we discuss it, we dont know what to do to overcome this blockage.
Thanks a lot in advance
romanticon
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Old 7th April 2009, 4:19 PM   #2
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bumping for hope..
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Old 7th April 2009, 4:38 PM   #3
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I once had a relationship where I didn't want to have sex. We did it early in the relationship, but gradually I got bored and I was no longer attracted to him. We were good friends though, and I had no other dating prospects at the time, plus we shared an apartment and it was too much hassle and expense to move. So we ticked along for a year or two, not having sex, and I couldn't relax during sex because really I didn't want to do it with him. I would tell him I didn't want our relationship to be over just because we weren't having sex: what I really meant was "You're my friend and I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to have sex with you, and I want you to stay with me and continue paying half the rent and keeping me company, even if you're not getting any". Eventually I met someone else who I did want to have sex with, and I dumped him.

If you really want to work on this, try being together intimately without having sex, just massage and touch each other and kiss etc, perhaps give her oral sex. You will quickly find out whether the problem is that penetration is painful because she can't relax (because she will enjoy the other stuff), or whether the problem is that she just doesn't want you (if she just doesn't want you then she won't want to be intimate at all). If you can take the focus off penetration and get her warmed up a bit, then when you do decide to try penetration it might be a bit more comfortable for her... assuming she really wants to try at all.
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Old 8th April 2009, 10:48 AM   #4
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Dear EllieBean, thanks a lot for your advices.
I actually asked my girlfriend if she feels attracted to me or not, she said yes, when she looks at me she feels attracted but when we start intimating, she feels unattractive and completed turned off. I tried the 'going slowly' way and also oral sex, it worked for her if she would focus she is somebody else. She knows this is not normal. I wouldnt like to think the passion is over ..somehow
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Old 8th April 2009, 12:33 PM   #5
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If your girlfriend says she is attracted to you but feels turned off during sex because of her own insecurities, perhaps you could help her by making sure she knows how gorgeous and sexy you think she is. Some women need a lot reassurance about this.

I went through a phase of not feeling very sexy just because I had put on a few pounds. It had nothing to do with my husband. He still fancied me as much as ever - I just didn't feel attractive and that definitely had an impact on our sex life.

If you think the problem may be deeper than this you could suggest trying sex therapy - either go together or she could go on her own.

It seems a real shame, for both of you, if she has to pretend to be somebody else in order to get turned on. Obviously people fantasise during sex all the time, but its clear that neither of you is happy with things as they are so a bit of external help couldn't hurt if you're prepared to give it a go.

It may also be as EllieBean says and the relationship isn't working for her any more but she can't bring herself to tell you.

Fingers crossed it's just her insecurities.
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Old 9th April 2009, 12:35 PM   #6
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Dear LonelyTiger,
Thanks a lot for your advices, I do hope my girlfriend has insecurity problems and it could be the cause of all this. I will make sure I let her know I find her sexy and attractive to me. I thought about buying her some nice sexy lingerie but on the other hand I dont want to put pressure on her or make her believe that she is attractive to me only if she wears it. Am i right?
About external help, I suggested getting it, but she doesnt feel like doing it, maybe we need to try a bit on our side and see how things evolve.
Thanks a lot for your advices and I'll be looking forward to reading from you if you have any other advice I could use

Best
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Old 9th April 2009, 7:45 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by romanticon View Post
Dear LonelyTiger,
Thanks a lot for your advices, I do hope my girlfriend has insecurity problems and it could be the cause of all this. I will make sure I let her know I find her sexy and attractive to me. I thought about buying her some nice sexy lingerie but on the other hand I dont want to put pressure on her or make her believe that she is attractive to me only if she wears it. Am i right?
Lingerie is a very good idea. Praise her like crazy and get really excited when she wears it.

However, Unless she is really fat or something... chances are Ellie is right and your just getting played!
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Old 13th April 2009, 12:15 AM   #8
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I definitely agree with others here.

Feeling wanted by a man can really turn a woman on. My current bf tells me how beautiful I am, and how much he loves my body and wants me all the time. I have never turned down sex with him because I feel confident with him. It is wonderful.
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