datura_noir Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 I have posted here for a short while; My story is that my husband had an "affair" he called it a friendship that went wrong-and bottom line is that we ended up renewing our love and even getting married after 8 years of co-habitating. That was in 2007...... For the last month or so, he has taken to sleeping on the couch-says the bed hurts his back. I can somewhat beleive this, but he has complained about every bed we've owned. This is a new mattress, and he still can't get comfy on it. At first, I was insulted, and pouted, and inferred in a roundabout way that he didn't find me attractive anymore. He does try to sleep in the bed at least twice a week; however, our sex life has fizzled recently, and this couch thing just has me feeling pretty low. I've pranced around in my sexiest lingerie before retiring, so as to give him a hint. But, he just kisses me goodnight and goes on about his business. I have tried to talk to him about my feeling unwanted, but he assures me that it is him, not me, and that our sex life is just fine for him (meaning there is no other).I must admit though, that not hearing his extremely loud snoring has helped me sleep better! What would you do? Besides getting a new bed (not feasable right now). Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Maybe he doesn't want to have sex because he's in pain? Back problems are the worst. Send him to a chiropractor. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 I have tried to talk to him about my feeling unwanted, but he assures me that it is him, not me, and that our sex life is just fine for him (meaning there is no other). Him, not you, as in his back pain? Or as in his lack of interest in your sex life? There's a big difference. How was your sex life before the new mattress? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Dat, I wouldn't read anthing more into this but what your H has said. We have changed beds many times, I hurt my back while in the service and have a hell of a time sleeping. Sex is not a problem, because we are moving around and (well) our minds are on other things. But to lie in one place for an extended period of time is hell. We've tried water beds, hospital beds, most everything, instead of jumping to conclusions, get him some help. Chiropractor, doctor, pain meds(before sleep), new mattress keep working on the problem until you guys get it solved. In my case we got a new bed, low to the floor, like a Japanese bed, it seems to be doing the trick. Link to post Share on other sites
Victoria2 Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Yes, he don't find you attractive. You are barring, the better way is to find how to have fun together ! Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Sleeping on the couch because of a bad back is one thing. Not wanting sex with your wife is a completely different thing. Unless his back prevents him from engaging in such physical activities as sex, then this IMO is not the reason. I have had a couple of periods in our marriage where I slept on the couch because I could not fall asleep in our bed. This was due to a number of things. However, this did not affect my ability or desire to want sex. And some of those times, I could still fall asleep in the bed anyway. My wife (a few years ago) avoided coming to bed and had a number of reasons, but in reality it was because she wanted to avoid sex. So two people sleeping on the couch with different reasons. The fact that you try to entice him with lingerie and he ignores you says one of two things... He is dense and does not see what you are doing. He is avoiding sex with you. Have you asked him why he does not want sex with you? Or have you only hinted with how you dress? How aggressive have you been? What happens if you start aggressively kissing him...everywhere? You COULD have sex on the couch (unless you have children). Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 You COULD have sex on the couch (unless you have children). ah, ah, there you go, your solution! Link to post Share on other sites
Author datura_noir Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 We haven't had any sexual relations in about a month and a half.....and his back pain doesn't hinder him from doing projects around the house. It does feel as if he is avoiding me, and I have asked him on one occassion if he was avoiding being with me- he said no, he was just tired..... I do sneak up on him and ravage him with kisses, and I have left enticing notes in his breifcase; Could this be one of those periods in a R where you just aren't as interested in sex? I loved the HB (hysterical bonding) after d-day, but that has tapered off dramatically. He seems satisfied, I am sure he is "taking care of himself", which makes me feel even more unwanted.... Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I spent a solid year sleeping on the sofa.. at the end of that year I served my husband with divorce papers. Your milage may vary. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 We haven't had any sexual relations in about a month and a half.....and his back pain doesn't hinder him from doing projects around the house. It does feel as if he is avoiding me, and I have asked him on one occassion if he was avoiding being with me- he said no, he was just tired..... Don't his actions speak louder than his words? And no sex for 6 weeks? I'd take this to MC right away as there doesn't seem to be the open communication in your M (probably not your fault) for him to comfortably discuss this with you. Obviously something big going on here... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I really doubt he is on the couch because of back pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author datura_noir Posted April 19, 2009 Author Share Posted April 19, 2009 I wanted to update this thread, partly because it was left hanging on a not-so-nice note... The Mr. and I have been busy.Very fulfilling.TMI. We have always been about quality, not quantity. And talking with him, he has admitted a lowered libido (at nearly 50), and does NOT want me to think that I am the reason. He DOES have issues with intimacy/porn, etc.....and I am not the cause of this. In our discussion, we started to talk about alot of things-one of them being that we both just need to let go and realize that married life has it's really boring moments that can stretch out for weeks, even months. Sometimes, that is difficult after betrayal, because you tend to think (as the betrayed), that if you are not constantly meeting some need of your partners, then they will start to drift away..... It is so great that we were able to discuss these things, and connect physically in a natural, unforced manner. I love my husband!:love: Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 I just read your thread now in one sitting, so thanks for the update... and next time H wants to sleep on the couch due to his back problem, just have the couch moved to next to YOUR side of the bed. Heh heh... within easy reach. Frankly, I am surprised at a drop in libido at his age of just under 50? What do the men on these boards say? Link to post Share on other sites
voldigicam Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 Most libido drop seems to come from hormones or lack of being in shape. Or back problems will do it, too. I suffered when my back was tweeked. And the couch - ours is so comfortable. One or the other of us is all too often on it! Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 Solution? Get a sleeper couch -- a couch big enough for two! Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Frankly, I am surprised at a drop in libido at his age of just under 50? What do the men on these boards say? I'm nearly 46 and my libido couldn't be more rampant... Link to post Share on other sites
Jade 02 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 I just read your thread now in one sitting, so thanks for the update... and next time H wants to sleep on the couch due to his back problem, just have the couch moved to next to YOUR side of the bed. Heh heh... within easy reach. Frankly, I am surprised at a drop in libido at his age of just under 50? What do the men on these boards say? Athena this is a great answer in my opinion!! I had to laugh too,great Idea. Datura,I'm going threw the same thing cept my hubby sleeps in guest room,because I hate the REEK of the alcohol,coming from his whole body. But we have no sex either due to low libido,and myself being on medicines. I do love him,but booze is ruining us,and he does NOT want to quit for NOONE,not even his own son,so it's up to me to make me happy. Does your hubby take any meds? sometimes they can effect a sex life. Seems like he loves you. See when you two communicated,something came out of that,so that was good. Keep up the communication with him,to me that is important, JMO. Best from jade Link to post Share on other sites
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