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Old 18th March 2009, 6:49 PM   #1
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Husband flirts with co-worker...

We have already discussed my feelings on this, several times. He is friends with a female co-worker and often has lunch or breakfast with her. A few months ago (when I decided I didn't like their relationship) she has suggested their whole squad (police officer) go on a no family or friend Vegas trip for a weekend. The trip never happened because they couldn't organize anything. Needless to say I was pissed about this because she has no right inviting her male co-workers to Vegas for a weekend with out the wives being invited. Of course this was more my husbands fault for discussing the trip with her like it would actually happen.

Anyways, after this I told him I didn't like their being "friends" but that I would never tell him who he couldn't be friends with. A few weeks later he tells me their is a rumor at work that they are sleeping together. Someone actually came up and asked him "if he was hitting that." I told him he needed to check their relationship because its starting to disrespect me and our relationship.

Well, nothing has changed. Then last week he called me and while he was waiting for me to answer I caught the end of their conversation in which he said: "Well, I offered to take you home safely and you abandonded me." He told me later that she has made a comment about how nice it is to have someone at home worrying about them. The context of his comment came from a night he hung out with some co-workers (including her) and they rode together (with one other person), she decided to stay late to flirt with another officer. So he just took the other guy home.

I told him I don't like him flirting with her and he insist he isn't and get's bad that I am always "ragging" on him about it. But I told him he's acting like an idiot.

I told him this also explains why there are these rumors about him and he said only two people said anything about it to him. I told him if two people would have the balls to ask him if he is sleeping with her then of course they are talking to other people about it too.

He is just acting very disrespectful, stupid, and trying to seem naive. Which just makes me feel like he thinks I am stupid.

Any suggestions? I doubt they have slept together but its still rude and I would like it to stop. How am I suppose to go to work events and not feel like a complete idiot. And how am I suppose to respect him when he doesn't respect our relationship. I know he loves me and is otherwise very good to me.
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Old 18th March 2009, 7:05 PM   #2
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A few weeks later he tells me their is a rumor at work that they are sleeping together. Someone actually came up and asked him "if he was hitting that."
Based on that alone, I think they have slept together already.

It seems to me that they did it and some of his co-workers know about it. His telling you about the "rumor" is to protect himself, in case that if that rumor ever gets to you, you won't be surprised.

Right now, you just hope that she hasn't slept around and that your H used protection and is not emotionally involved.
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Old 18th March 2009, 7:06 PM   #3
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I hope nothing is going on, too, and I am not one to say.

But....a number of years ago, I had an employee who was married (I was the manager) come to me because she said "there are rumors going around about me and these two guys and the rumors are not true."

Funny thing is...I hadn't heard the rumors. And I don't think the rumors had happened yet.

Eventually I did get the scoop about her night with two guys, and the stories sounded pretty convincing to say the least.

So there are a few possibilities...

He is telling you because there are rumors, and he is afraid you will hear them...and they are not true.

Or the rumors are true.

Or there are not rumors yet, but he thinks there may be.

What it boils down to is...he is still wanting to keep his relationship with a woman that supposedly does not mean much to him.

The question is why?
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Old 18th March 2009, 7:12 PM   #4
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Yes, we wants to stay friends with her because he said they get along really well. They became friends on his last squad and when shift change came in Jan. they both went to the same new squad (this wasn't her first pick). He isn't like most guys which is why I think they get along so well. I want him to have friends at work, but I would also like him to act professionally. Both for him, me, and her. It's not easy being a female officer and the less drama the better (although she causes some drama herself).

We have hung out all together and she seems nice and tells him that she likes me...but a friend that was with us the first time I met her told me she didn't much like the way she acted with my H.
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Old 19th March 2009, 6:49 AM   #5
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I haven't had time to re-read your old post (I'm sorry if I'm confussing you with another poster), and am trying to remember if you had children or not.

Anyways, it sounds like something is up. I would go to a doctor and get checked just to be on the safe side. Then, I would try to get to the bottem of what is going on between your husband and his friend. If your gut is telling you she is more than a friend, I would start making decisions on rather you want to keep this relationship or not. Good luck.
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Old 19th March 2009, 12:15 PM   #6
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I remember that post, and I remember telling you that to anyone who works in law enforcement, it's pretty glaring obvious what's going on. I'm sorry, but this is not uncommon in policing and I haven't ever heard a rumor like that between watches (or squads, as they are also called) that wasn't true. Even if you choose not to believe that, there is still the issue that nothing has changed since you have told him that it is disrespectful.
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Old 19th March 2009, 12:39 PM   #7
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You seem to really want to believe he isnt having a PA with this woman, so OK, you may have your own reasons and lets go with that.

When MM flirt openly with OW....it puts HIM, and his FAMILY in a bad light. It makes you an object of pity or even possibly scorn. It makes him look like an as* for either being married to such a woman or for treating his family with such blatant disrespect.

The rumors alone which he mentioned (probably in an attempt to say :look! I'm telling you this so it must not be true!) are enough to cause you great discomfort and rightfully so.

You either have to leave or put up with it I guess. You should however make sure he understands how all of this makes HIM look. He is obviously more concerned with that than he is about you.
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Old 19th March 2009, 12:46 PM   #8
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You either have to leave or put up with it I guess
My thoughts exactly. Either figure out a way to deal with this and let it go or tell him that you want him to get a new partner so they are on opposite shifts. Or, tell him you've had enough, that you don't trust him, that you think there IS something going on between them and separate or divorce. To live like you are in constant worry/fear is going to kill not only you, but the marriage itself. Compound all the other issues in your marriage, this situation might be the one to break it all.
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Old 19th March 2009, 12:48 PM   #9
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I would also stand up to him and more or less lay it all out nicely for him:

You go to Vegas, you suffer the consquences..I won't be here when you come back. If going to Sin City with her is more important than me and our marriage, then let's just do us a favour NOW and divorce. (As long as you're willing to follow through on this.)
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Old 19th March 2009, 12:53 PM   #10
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Redfathom,

I am sorry to say that but firefighters and policemen are notorious cheaters... but you probably have heard that before.

If your husband is telling you to be prepared to hear the "rumors"... it means that they have already "crossed the line of professional conduct".

If you want to try to save your marriage... telling him "how disrespectful his behavior is" will get you absolutely nowhere. Keep in mind that it is very likely that he is having a full blown affair right now. You need to wake him up... either serve him divorce papers or start showing interest in other men. Don't tell him anything... he is not listening anyway... he has to recognise on his own that he is about to lose you. Nothing else will do it.

Good luck.
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Old 19th March 2009, 12:56 PM   #11
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Firefighters are also notorious cheaters? I knew about policemen. I've known a lot of them that have cheated. I always thought of firefighters as the good guys, and not just because of their line of work.
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Old 19th March 2009, 12:59 PM   #12
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or start showing interest in other men.
No, this will just make things worse and make her husband feel even MORE justified in pursuing his co-worker more.
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Old 19th March 2009, 1:01 PM   #13
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Firefighters are also notorious cheaters? I knew about policemen
Cops can go out and about in their cruisers..FF's only go out on the truck on calls with their crew. The opportunity to cheat isn't there like it for cops.
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Old 19th March 2009, 1:07 PM   #14
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Firefighters are also notorious cheaters? I knew about policemen. I've known a lot of them that have cheated. I always thought of firefighters as the good guys, and not just because of their line of work.
In this case, the two of them could have easily cheated. The are police officers, they don't have to be at the office in front of a desk from say 9-5. In other words, both of them can be out of the station for an hour or two to be spent at a local motel. If they only do it once or twice a week during "work" hours, his wife is not going to know.
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Old 19th March 2009, 1:15 PM   #15
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No, firefighters are just as bad. It's not the professiona itself (hey, a grocery cashier talks with more people during the day!), it has something to do with an alpha mentality. You don't know how bad it is until you actually are into it (yet still excluded of course, as I am female) but I guess that it is what it is. A lot of my coworkers wives are either ignorant to what goes on or turn the other cheek.

In any regular office, people would be horrified that their married coworkers were having an open affair. It's not like that in this world. It is openly accepted by many. Not all of course. But you'd be suprised. I don't have any coworkers over 40 that are still with their first wife. Literally none that I know of!
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