Blended Family Thing

[Tahoe6]

I really just need to vent to someone. My boyfriend and I have been living together for 3 years. We have my 2 kids full time and his every other weekend. He took me out to dinner last night, just to tell me he doesn't want to live with me anymore. He loves me, but doesn't want to live with teenage girls. (My daughters are 15 and 14). He says that they're great kids but just want to deal with them. He wants to still be my boyfriend but only see me on the weekends we have no kids. Am I crazy?? Should I tell him where to go. I have talked to my friends and they say that he excuse my language should grow some balls. I dont know what to do

Any advice out there????

[Debster]

Have your girls been more trouble lately? If not, than I think he is using it as an excuse to get out of living together. If they have been more trouble, maybe he doesn't like the way you're dealing with it and because they aren't his kids he doesn't feel he has a say in it.

 

Going back to being boyfriend/girlfriend and seeing each other every weekend is going to be a HUGE adjustment. Is this one that you would welcome or would it be too hard for you? Only you can answer that.

 

How old are you two? With teenage girls I'm assuming you to be in your mid30s to 40s so I doubt it's a growing up thing where he needs to get balls, it's more this isn't the life that he wants for himself - he loves you, he just doesn't love the package of you and your kids. So does he REALLY love you? My guess is no.

[Tahoe6]

No my girls really have been any trouble. They are normal teenagers. They argue with each but not that much. My boyfriend says that he just wants to sit around the house and not listen to arguing or the girls talking on the phone. He says that he just wants his own space and he feels like with the 3 of us there he cant get it.

I am 36 and he is 37. I really don't know in my heart if I could just date him. He says he feels bad because he feels like he's making me choose. I would never pick a man over my children but I really love him and spent 3 years of my life with him, thinking that this would never happen.

Thank you for the advice

[Debster]

After your response and to find out that he just wants to have some quiet time to read the paper, it shows he's just a selfish man who doesn't want his life to be complicated by anyone else.

 

I know it hurts (believe me I just ended a long term relationship recently) but you will find someone who 'fits' when you realize that you deserve it.

[Tahoe6]

its strange that you say he's selfish. His first wife left him becuase she said he was too selfish. I am learning that he is. I wish that he could admit it. We talked a litle last night. He says he loves me doesn't want me to move. He says he's just confused. Wants to be alone but wants me too. I wish I could just leave for a while and let him think!!!

I'm confused too. Maybe i'm realizing he doesn't want me. He just wants someone when it's convenant.

Well I could babble all day.

Thanx again for the advice!!

Hope things are better for you since you ended your relationship. How long were you together?

[Ally Boo]

My on again, off again, bf of a year and a half has been living with me for about a month now....we've done this before one other time.

 

Yesterday, his phone rings, and I ask him who it was...not expecting him to actually tell me. Well he did, and it was a girl that we almost broke up over earlier this year. He said, she has a 2 bedroom house and wants a roomie, and he's thinking about moving. Needless to say I got pissed and confused, and he said that it was just mentioned to him, and since it bothered me, he wouldn't move with her.

 

Well, I explained to him how confused I was. He's telling people he's living with me...yet, he's looking for his own place now? He said he just wants his own space. Before, when we lived together the last time, he said that he just needed space away from me, he loved me, but he needed to take a step back. We ended up breaking up....got back together after a few weeks, but I mean, I don't get how someone wants to live with you and not live with you. OK sorry about my own rant here LOL

 

I can totally understand him wanting his own space...but why wait 3 years to decide this? Maybe you should consider going to couple's counseling. I definately would...bc you've already invested 3 years in this...

 

Don't count it as a rejection, just look at it as him having issues and maybe you can compassionately let him do what he needs to do.

[Tahoe6]

I agree with both of you. On one hand I feel maybe I should give him some space. On the hand I feel like he's being a selfish jerk, that wants to have his cake and eat it too. I don't understand the "I want to live with you but I don't" thing either.

[Debster]

TAHOE:

Your man is selfish and just looking out for what he wants. Yes, he probably feels love for you BUT not enough to compromise or work it out. He is definitely realizing that a life with you (and your kids) is not what he has in mind. Cut him loose. You need and deserve a man who wants both you AND your kids.

 

ALLY BOO

I've read a number of your posts before about this guy. It sounds to me like he is VERY much like my ex. He says anything he can to win you back, then after a while, he waffles about whether or not it is what he wants. You need someone who KNOWS that you are what they want and who won't waffle about it.

 

You might have read my posts before, but our situation is quite similar. I knew in my gut that I wasn't 'the one' for me and that he wasn't for me, but I didn't want to admit to it. Now that I have I'm much better for it. A friend of mine actually set me up with this guy who so far, seems great!

 

Don't settle for anyone who won't love you unconditionally !

[Tahoe6]

Thank you! I am feeling like maybe he doesn't love me unconditionally.

Good luck to you and the new guy

[butterflyz]

my ex wanted his life to stay the same as it was before we got married. he admitted that he didn't think that marriage would mean he'd have to change anything in his life (priorities, housework - he had to have the house, etc.)

 

it's called selfish, plus immature.

 

i know you put 3 years into this relationship. but, the good news, is that you know now what to expect down the road. so, if this guy is unwilling to bend, cut him loose. i know it's hard to do, but you might have to.

[Ally Boo]

I knew in my gut that my ex husband wasn't the one. But I don't feel that with this one...I feel like he IS the one. He just has so many emtional problems, but I know he loves me...bc when he needs someone to hold him, or someone to be there when he cries...he comes to me. He tells me things he doesn't tell everyone else. THATS why I know he loves me, and I love him greatly.

[HokeyReligions]

It's normal for any parent to not want to be around their kids all the time -- we all need a break sometimes and it IS a big adjustment with step-kids. He sounds just as confused as you and probably scared and hurt as well.

 

I think your situation really warrants some counseling and help with the adjustment. It took my husband nearly 10 years to FINALLY stop whining about the freedoms he gave up when we got married and to stop ending every sentence with "I'm not used to be married. . . " TEN YEARS! ! But we stuck it out because we do love each other and we knew we were right for each other. We also got counseling to help us. We still have some disagreements, but we have a great marriage and are more in love with each other now than ever before.

[midori]

this sounds kind of similar to what we (butterflyz, Tony & some others) were talking about in a post I started last month, about how people can share an emotion like love, but have very different ideas about how that love is supposed to be manifested in real, everyday life (i.e. the relationship).

 

Bottom line is that yes, Tahoe6 and Allyboo, it sounds like you are both with selfish guys. They (the men) are not going to see it that way, b/c according to their frames of reference, they're not being selfish. If they think that their wishes and needs ought to always be their own number-one priority, if they think that they should not ever compromise their wishes and convenience for someone else's needs, if they don't think they should shift a even bit to accommodate someone else, they're not going to see themselves as selfish for following through on their beliefs. Everyone else might think they're selfish, but they won't see it that way. It's not just a matter of refusing to admit it, such people are actually unable to see how selfish they are.

 

So yeah, Tahoe6, your guy might really feel love for you -- inasmuch as he's capable of feeling love for anyone. But if he moves through the world unwilling to yield or compromise, his love isn't going to be enough -- for either of you. It won't be enough to change his self-centered orientation, so he'll never be happy if he has to bend even a bit to fit in with what you've got going on. It won't be enough to sustain you, if the best he can do is be a weekend boyfriend who has made it clear that he doesn't really want to share your life in its entirety.

 

I prolonged my agony over my commitmentphobic ex for a long, long time, because I'd failed to see that no matter how much strong emotion there might be between two people, if they have different perspectives on how to interact with others, it's just not going to work.

 

As I've learned with my ex, some people just don't want, or can't, take other people's needs into consideration. Love, or whatever semblance of love they're capable of feeling, isn't going to change that. If they believe that there is no reason why they should allow other people's needs/circumstances to impinge on what they want for themselves, then no matter how much they might love someone (or think that they do), they're not going to be supportive or cooperative if they don't feel like it. It's a fundamental life orientation, and it's not likely to change.

 

I dont' think such an orientation allows for someone to feel full, mature love. They're good at infatuation, they're good at romance, they're good for the short run. But they're not going to be reliable, they're not going to be there through thick and thin, and they're not going to give you anything, unless it suits them to give it. No matter how much you need it relative to what it would cost them to give it to you, they won't give it without resentment (if they give it at all). Once you stop being convenient for them, they will disappoint you.

 

Allyboo, Tahoe6: it sounds like you are both with guys who are going to disappoint you. No matter how much time and emotion and energy you've invested in the relationship, it's not going to work if they're not contributing their halves -- and it doesn't sound like they are. Sometimes you have to cut your losses. Counseling *could* help, but if you're dealing with guys who don't really think there's anything wrong with them, then no amount of couples counseling will be able to help.

 

The thing is, there's nothing wrong with such guys, if they want to be alone, or just date casually. The problems arise when they think they're capable of love, and try to have it. Whatever reason is preventing them from taking other people into consideration, is the thing that must be dealt with -- and that's a job for them to take on with a therapist. Because it's not about your problems as a couple. You're not a "couple" -- you're two people trying to be a couple, but one of you is actually unable to do so. Like trying to ride a tandem bicycle with a paraplegic -- you can pedal your heart out but the bike isn't going to go very far and will soon tip over. Not because you didn't try but because your partner had no business trying to ride a bicycle.