Elilmomma Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 The begining of the year was really ruff for me, my hubby was having an affair and I found out about it and we had problems before, we both cheated on eachother in the past we have been together for almost 12 years and married for almost 3 years. My hubby and I have two beautiful daughters too. My hubby's mother passed away this past May and now the hubby has legal custody of his brother and neice and it's really ruff on me. I went from having one daughter to having two and now I have four kids ... Anyway hubby is very cold to me since his mom died, and we never spend anytime together ,we have not had any physical contact in a long time and when I ask him if he still finds me attractive he says "yes" but that he is worried about bills and the money trouble we are having. I don't feel like I have any place in his life , it's not like he spends anytime with the kids either. I love him but ,he always puts me down because I am not working and he does and he says it's all on him and I don't do anything. Hubby's brother is out of control and very disrespectful to me and hubby does nothing about it.. I don't know what to do? I wish I could just take my 2 girls and leave , but I have nowhere to go . I know hubby misses his mom , but he says I should have died instead of her.. someone please help me give me some advice? We have both hurt eacother so much that I am not sure if this marriage is worth saving? Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 he says I should have died instead of her.. That's beyond disrespect. Link to post Share on other sites
SierraRose Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 Sounds like your R may not have been healthy from the start, and never had a chance to recover from the infidelities. I think in any case, passing of a parent is hard to deal with. Your H not only is in mourning, but now has the added responsibilities of two more people. I truly don't think men are equipped emotionally or mentally (sorry, guys) to handle these types of situations. I think your H is on mental and emotional overload. It's very possible this guy is headed for a breakdown. You have two obvious choices: stay or walk. Whichever road you choose, neither or them will be easy. To stay, commitment from BOTH parties need to be there; counseling a must. At the very least, get counseling for yourself. There was a lot of damage done, and questions you need to ask yourself. Were do you see yourself in 5 years with this guy? Do you think the M is salvageable? No one but you knows if it's worth saving. All I can say is listen to your gut... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 How were things before your H's mom died and you gained custody of the family members? Is this quote from a past post indicative? My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years and married for 3. He cheated on me, then I cheated on him not for revenge (I didn't find out about his until 5 years later). We got back together and tried to work it out we would fight all the time. I treated him bad for so many years because of my insecurities. I never really felt like I was good enough, or deserved him. I always thought he would up and leave me one day anyway so I just wanted to push him out the door before he could leave me. well we moved to try to start over and now I found out that he was having and affair with a coworker and I am devastated. IMO, if you had worked together on your insecurities back in the beginning, the snowball of the trainwreck you now have wouldn't exist. My instinct is this isn't fixable, sorry to say I'll review my comments in your past threads.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elilmomma Posted December 21, 2008 Author Share Posted December 21, 2008 I want to thank everyone for their advice. I wish I knew what to do about my marriage though, I am not sure if it's even worth fixing . My hubby and I can't even talk to eachother without yelling, it's like we have a marriage of convenience. I know we are both unhappy wiht our situation but I don't know how to get out . We live together how do you decide who leaves the house and who stays? I have nowhere to go and neither does he would not leave anyway. I wonder if there are any happy marriages out there? I have not seen one. Sometimes it's feels like we are just roomates, we barely talk or have any intimacy at all. I need help , I have no clue what to do about this, I know we can't live like this any longer it's too depressing and hurtful.. Is there anyone in a similar situation that can give me some advice? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Sure; I helped my wife buy a new house and am rehabbing it with her. It's closer to her work (she hated the commute from our country home) and she feels like it's hers (it is). If the M works out, I'll commute back to the ranch and rent out the house. If not, she has her house and I have mine. No hard feelings We don't yell at each other. MC helped a lot with communication and listening. One doesn't have to live in rancor and violence to have a loveless relationship. The yelling, hitting and all that stuff is just more obvious and more indicative of personal problems with the respective partners. In fact, some of those relationships can and likely do have more "love" than those which have evolved to polite indifference, which is how I would describe ours. IMO, indifference *is* the opposite of love. Anger and hate is not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elilmomma Posted December 24, 2008 Author Share Posted December 24, 2008 I love my hubby but I am really tired of this hurtful cycle we have going on. he is not easy to talk to either. I am not saying that I am an angel of have been in the 12 years we have been together, but we can't communicate without going into the past and bringing up all the hurtful stuff we did to eachother. I do love him on some level, but I am very lonely and he's very cold he calls it being honest. I get to affection at all and have become very lonely.Maybe we are just to comfortable to being together to end this marriage? What do you do when it seem like you have a marriage of convinence? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 Well, today you help your spouse cook dinner for 10 people at her new house, mindful of your mother sitting alone in a dementia facility talking to the walls. Lonely can have many faces. It's how we handle those feelings which defines us. I find having a cat helps TBH, I'll bet my W would say the same thing about me (that I'm "cold"). I would say I'm not being a doormat anymore, but rather setting healthy boundaries. It's all about perspective. She is very entitled to hers but it no longer rules me. I can smile when I say that, having established my own healthy perspective. That's the true gift of MC, finding a healthy perspective Merry Christmas Link to post Share on other sites
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