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Wife’s Sister Wants to Swing/Cheat


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Old 19th December 2008, 6:05 PM   #1
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Wife’s Sister Wants to Swing/Cheat

This is the first time I have posted here, I have browsed this site a few times as a guest but have not posted before. There is a situation that I would like an objective opinion on.

I have to lay this out upfront, my wife and I are swingers, we are happy in the lifestyle and have been in it for several years, starting before we were married. We only “play” - with a few exceptions, when we are together, and if we are not we share everything we do with each other and "play" within pre-defined boundaries.

My wife’s sister is also married and is/was in what we both thought was a stable, monogamous marriage. We are all very close, especially prior to our moving away. My wife and her are 100% open with each other and she knows that we are in the lifestyle.

The situation I need an opinion on is this: She is visiting by herself in mid-January, which she usually does a couple of times a year, the other times she comes with her husband.

Several days ago she asked my wife on the phone if she could attend a swingers party that we were invited to during the time she is here since single women are allowed attend. The problem is she was not going to tell her husband that she was going and planning to have sex there. My wife was somewhat shocked and asked her what was going on, she said she was envious of the lifestyle and how much my wife and I enjoy ourselves. My wife counted by saying it is because we are open and trust each other that this is possible, she replied that her husband would never agree to it anyway. She also said she has had one-night stands when traveling for work and that what she did does not diminish her love for her husband.

My wife and I are of different minds of how to handle the situation; she thinks what her sister wants to do and what will make her happy should come first, and since she has cheated on her husband any way her going to the party will not change the situation; I am of the opinion that whatever she wants to do away from home is a matter for her and her husband, but for us to bring her to the party is condoning her actions.

Both of us are also concerned that we have to keep this secret when we are around her husband.

Last edited by jax_80; 19th December 2008 at 6:28 PM..
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Old 19th December 2008, 9:06 PM   #2
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You sis-in-law is essentially asking you to lie to her H. Simple. If you are uncomfortable with keeping up her lie, say no.
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Old 19th December 2008, 11:44 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jax_80 View Post
she thinks what her sister wants to do and what will make her happy should come first
Is it possible that you're getting an advance preview of how your wife will handle a similar decision for herself? That her own happiness trumps any agreement and boundaries that you've set in "the lifestyle" ???

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Old 19th December 2008, 11:51 PM   #4
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OP, your openness, trust , and respect works for you and your wife and is indicative of your general views about such issues. I personally would refrain from compromising your views by participating in any deception. IMO, sis attends with hubby fully on-board and in agreement (you verify, man to man) or you don't sponsor/invite. If she wants to "swing" with hubby in the dark about it, she can do it on her own

If this is unacceptable to her and your wife sides with her sister, you have an answer....
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Old 19th December 2008, 11:55 PM   #5
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While I don't agree with your swingers lifestyle, I can respect it if both of you are onside with it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OP
Both of us are also concerned that we have to keep this secret when we are around her husband.
Since both of you object to lying for her, why not tell your sister-in-law that neither one of you will lie for her? If the husband asks about the trip, you'll tell him the truth. This way the choice lies with the sister-in-law, whether she wants to risk going to the party or not. If she gets angry, ask her why she considers it okay to use you, to cover for her lying?
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Old 20th December 2008, 4:36 AM   #6
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Since both of you object to lying for her, why not tell your sister-in-law that neither one of you will lie for her? If the husband asks about the trip, you'll tell him the truth. This way the choice lies with the sister-in-law, whether she wants to risk going to the party or not. If she gets angry, ask her why she considers it okay to use you, to cover for her lying?
I like this approach. You obviously don't have an objection to the lifestyle per se, but the more offensive thing is her assumption that you would lie and cover for her. In fact, to a degree, she has presumptuously put you in this position already, by revealing her one-night-stands, which it sounds like her husband is likely unaware of.
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Old 20th December 2008, 9:23 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
Is it possible that you're getting an advance preview of how your wife will handle a similar decision for herself? That her own happiness trumps any agreement and boundaries that you've set in "the lifestyle" ???

Mr. Lucky

Actions speak louder than words, my wife and I have both had ample opportunities to go outside the boundaries we have set, neither of us have done so. We are also flexible, our boundaries have loosened and tightened several times depending on what we wanted to do and what other commitments we had in our life. As long as we communicate and agree on what we want to do we will have a successful marriage, if we stop working together it will fail - doesn't matter if swinging is in the picture or not.

I think her saying whatever makes her sister happy should go is because that is the approach her family took when her sister was growing up, she was the youngest child and took a long time to "grow-up".
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Old 20th December 2008, 1:37 PM   #8
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What you and your W allow in your M is between you and her; quite frankly, it's no one else's business. Big mistake bringing your sis-in-law into the picture. What she chooses to do in her M is her business. Don't cross those boundries.
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Old 20th December 2008, 5:40 PM   #9
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My wife and I are Lifestylers, too, but I would tend to agree with the advice you've been given. To allow your SIL to go to a swing party is condoning, endorsing, and enabling cheating and that runs contrary to the spirit of the Lifestyle, IMO.

My guess is that were it not her sister, your wife would have a different opinion about the situation. We all tend to put up with behaviors from blood relatives which we do not from other folks.

All that said, I think your SIL's marriage is eventually going to crash. Her hubby apparently believes in monogamy whereas she does not. Neither is right or wrong, but they generally don't co-exist in a long term relationship very well.
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Old 21st December 2008, 4:22 PM   #10
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In fact, to a degree, she has presumptuously put you in this position already, by revealing her one-night-stands, which it sounds like her husband is likely unaware of.
Good point. Jax 80, if you had an ethical objection to covering your SIL's proposed infidelities, what are you going to do with the knowledge of her actual cheating?

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Old 22nd December 2008, 1:29 AM   #11
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Come on man this is so wrong. Its ok for you and your wife because the two of you are honest with each other. She has put you into a horrible position by first admitting she cheats on her H and second asking you to take part. You are now officially apart deceiving this poor guy. I personally would stand up to my wife and tell her we are not having part of this. Next I would be worried if her H ever ask advice from you. If she is really this selfish Im sure he has picked up on something.
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Old 22nd December 2008, 1:30 AM   #12
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Could you imagine if this guy catches and std or she gets pregnant from one of these guys. I would ask her not to come.
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Old 22nd December 2008, 9:13 AM   #13
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It's actually kind of sad that your wife's sister has to lie to herself about loving her husband. Being selfish and cheating isn't loving your husband. If she'd been honest with him maybe she could have had the relationship she craves but instead she cheats and lies to get what she wants.

What's worse is her husband is probably a good man. He has no idea that his wife is lying down and letting other men f*ck her for entertainment. I really hope you tell her no. Don't let her bring in a cancer which could infect you own relationship which is based on open and honest communication.

Sorry but your wife's sister sickens me.
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Old 22nd December 2008, 5:17 PM   #14
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My wife and I talked about the situation again last night. She agreed that bringing her sister to the party would be wrong and a mistake.

When she comes down she is going to talk to her sister about her messing around. This topic is a little harder to for us to talk to her about since several times the wife and I have given each other "free reign" when one of us was away from home. She needs to know this was by agreement and not convenience.

We are also going to discuss with her that amount of trust and communication the lifestyle requires. That its not "lets just go to a party and screw people", that sometimes it can create problems even in the best marriages and that being able to work though them is crucial.

One other thing she did clarify was that her sister had never even bought up the idea of swinging to her husband, she is afraid that he will think she is unhappy and wants to be with other people, in other words she is afraid just mentioning it will ruin her marriage.
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Old 22nd December 2008, 5:21 PM   #15
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Jax-
Good to hear. She may be surprised (or not) with her husband's reaction to the idea of swinging. Perhaps he wants to try it but is afraid to bring it up for similar reasons. Perhaps not. But if merely bringing it up will ruin the marriage, I'd question if that would be that big of a loss.
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