Unaffectionate, Unappreciative? - Long thread sorry.

[misery.junkyard]

Okay, so... here I am 1 year and 1 month into this relationship. We live together, we're engaged, etc.

 

When we first moved in together, things were about normal.. now it just went downhill. He comes home from work, flops down in his recliner, asks me to make him food, and then turns on the XBox. I'm 26 years old, this is not how I want my married life to be. I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if he could actually hold a decently intelligent conversation while he's playing XBox. But no, I get ignored... if I want to say anything to him, I have to get him to pause his game - god forbid he miss something. Now, I wouldn't mind so much... if the XBox didn't see more attention than I do. Plus, I get hardly any affection at all - he kisses me (pecks) whenever he's leaving the house or going to sleep. He cuddles up to me and kisses on my neck when he wants sex. That's it. He likes to go hang out with his friends while I'm expected to stay home and entertain myself with whatever... that's right, he doesn't like me hanging out with my friends... but wants me to be ok with staying home while he goes out and plays XBox at a friends house. As far as all the cleaning goes - I feel like I'm his mother... I don't even get so much of a thank you whenever I clean up HIS cat's hairballs/puke. Actually, I'm lucky if he even makes any kind of gesture to clean anything at all.. he ignores it like it isn't there. At the first of the relationship he was a clean freak. He also doesn't listen to me, and I don't mean about being right or wrong.. I just mean in general. I can tell him something and it will go in one ear and out the other within a few hours... one of his buddies can tell him the EXACT same thing, and he will remember it from then on. Also, if I tell him something somewhat negative (like he isn't romantic, for example) then it doesn't phase him... someone else says it (can even be a friend of mine that he doesn't know) and it irritates him. I've tried to talk to him about all of these things, but I can't seem to get through to him.. he just apologizes and then the next day it's back to the way it was before I mentioned it. I don't know what to do! Help!

 

 

-Sorry this is so long, it's my first thread on here and I had a few questions where I needed to get detailed.

[quankanne]

Dump. His. Azz.

 

this isn't what healthy relationships are about ~ it's something ME calls "married singles," in which a couple can be together socially/legally, but each party still acts like they're unattached, or living the single life.

 

you probably care a whole bunch for this guy, otherwise you wouldn't have moved in with him. However, to be blatantly ignored by your partner is NOT a good thing for you OR the relationship. And unless he truly realizes that it's a problem for y'alls relationship (my guess is that he won't, because *he* is content with the arrangement), it's not going to change.

 

as yourself this: Do you want to invest in the next 20-30-50 years of your life with someone who refuses to be fully vested in your partnership by interacting with you and treating it/you with respect it deserves? Is it worth getting your dignity stomped on by someone who will always put his needs first, and be damned with anyone else?

 

this man is not socially or emotionally mature enough to be in a giving relationship, and loving him isn't going to change that.

 

frankly, you deserve much better than what he's offering, or wants to offer.

[misery.junkyard]

To be quite honest, I've tried to leave... I have. I get as far as the key in the ignition. But, if he doesn't come out and stop me, I end up stopping myself. For various reasons. But when it comes down to me talking to him about possibly leaving that's when he brings up that he would have nothing. And by nothing I mean he brings up the fact that most of the furniture is mine, both vehicles are mine, etc.. and THEN he mentions that he wouldn't have me. Shouldn't I be first, or shouldn't those other things not even be a factor?

[Geishawhelk]

To be quite honest, I've tried to leave... I end up stopping myself. For various reasons.

 

Which would be.....?

 

Shouldn't I be first, or shouldn't those other things not even be a factor?

 

You should be the only reason.

[Tarantula]

Only you can make a change in your relationship ...

 

Talk to him . Communicate more . Tell him all you feel . Ask him to compromise a bit .

If he agrees to,then you are lucky ,

if not , then you are luckier .

 

(if not,then you know,he will never change and compromise,

so you have all reasons to leave him , and he will have no causes to say you had dumped him )

 

 

 

 

 

God bless!

[quankanne]

But when it comes down to me talking to him about possibly leaving that's when he brings up that he would have nothing.

 

hate to say it, but that's not your problem. (1) the problem is that he doesn't value you; (2) he's pretty much telling you that all you are to him is someone who can provide possessions. Not make his world a better place or inspire him to want to be the best person he can be. Simply just that all your possessions would be missed.

[whichwayisup]

Suggest couples counselling to him. Tell him that you're unhappy and that he isn't acting much like a loving boyfriend. That you're fed up and if he doesn't start trying harder, giving more and spending time with you, then maybe it IS time to walk away or atleast separate for while. Let him grow up abit..he sounds immature.

 

Why won't he let you go out with your friends while he's with his friends? That's pure bullcrap! Each person in a relationship still has to have things like they do alone, no couple should rely on eachother for everything. If he goes out afew times a week, well, you're allowed to as well.

[Mr. Lucky]

He comes home from work, flops down in his recliner, asks me to make him food, and then turns on the XBox. I'm 26 years old, this is not how I want my married life to be. I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if he could actually hold a decently intelligent conversation while he's playing XBox. But no, I get ignored... if I want to say anything to him, I have to get him to pause his game - god forbid he miss something. Now, I wouldn't mind so much... if the XBox didn't see more attention than I do. Plus, I get hardly any affection at all - he kisses me (pecks) whenever he's leaving the house or going to sleep. He cuddles up to me and kisses on my neck when he wants sex. That's it. He likes to go hang out with his friends while I'm expected to stay home and entertain myself with whatever... that's right, he doesn't like me hanging out with my friends... but wants me to be ok with staying home while he goes out and plays XBox at a friends house. As far as all the cleaning goes - I feel like I'm his mother... I don't even get so much of a thank you whenever I clean up HIS cat's hairballs/puke. Actually, I'm lucky if he even makes any kind of gesture to clean anything at all.. he ignores it like it isn't there. At the first of the relationship he was a clean freak. He also doesn't listen to me, and I don't mean about being right or wrong.. I just mean in general. I can tell him something and it will go in one ear and out the other within a few hours... one of his buddies can tell him the EXACT same thing, and he will remember it from then on. Also, if I tell him something somewhat negative (like he isn't romantic, for example) then it doesn't phase him... someone else says it (can even be a friend of mine that he doesn't know) and it irritates him. I've tried to talk to him about all of these things, but I can't seem to get through to him.. he just apologizes and then the next day it's back to the way it was before I mentioned it.

Is it just me or do you two really not have enough interests in common to base a relationship or, heaven forbid, a marriage on. You don't seem to enjoy the same things or have the same outlook on life. I re-read your entire post and the best thing you had to say about him was that "he was a clean freak" (but now he's a pig?). Why on earth are you engaged to him?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Walk]

And by nothing I mean he brings up the fact that most of the furniture is mine, both vehicles are mine, etc.. and THEN he mentions that he wouldn't have me.

Wow. Why are you with this guy? I not a person who's hung up on a partner's wealth, but this guy can't even take care of himself. How can he even stand to look himself in the mirror? He's using you for your possessions. I could never do that to someone I claimed to love. Loving someone means you try to give as much as you get, you want to make the other persons life better... this guy is a mooch and a user.

 

Please, I mean this from the bottom of my heart, get out of this relationship.

 

And lastly, you'll eventually leave when the resentment builds to the point where it kills whatever love is left. Stay as long as you want, just don't marry this little spoiled boy. When you're ready, find a man who appreciates you for all the great things you offer, who spoils you rotten, and who's willing to work just as hard at making the relationship work as you are. But you're wasting your time with this guy. He might change his actions for a few days, but he's not going to change who he is.

 

He should be kissing the ground you walk on. Stop beating yourself up over this. You sound like a great person with a good head on her shoulders. You deserve more, far more.

[Deanster]

Take a walk through these boards, and read a dozen or two threads on marital indifference, sexless marriage, infidelity, etc. Then consider whether there's any chance of this getting BETTER with marriage.

 

Then DTMFA (dump him) and find someone who's interested in you, and has a car, furniture, and income of his own.

 

Then wait until you've been married for a decade, and THEN settle into long-term indifference, or get divorced, like the rest of us.

[misery.junkyard]

Wow. Why are you with this guy? I not a person who's hung up on a partner's wealth, but this guy can't even take care of himself. How can he even stand to look himself in the mirror? He's using you for your possessions. I could never do that to someone I claimed to love. Loving someone means you try to give as much as you get, you want to make the other persons life better... this guy is a mooch and a user.

 

Actually, he's the one with the job.. I don't have one and haven't had one the whole time we've been together. All the furniture was given to me, and my dad gave me the car.. relative died in order to get the truck.

 

Only you can make a change in your relationship ...

 

Talk to him . Communicate more . Tell him all you feel . Ask him to compromise a bit .

 

Trust me, I've tried. I've talked to him about it until I'm blue in the face.

 

Which would be.....?

 

I love him, like I'm happier with him than I have been with anyone else. I've yet to decide if that's really good... or just really sad.

[Walk]

Actually, he's the one with the job.. I don't have one and haven't had one the whole time we've been together. All the furniture was given to me, and my dad gave me the car.. relative died in order to get the truck.

Ahhh... Ok. So what do you do to keep busy?

 

I know that in a relationship, things can sour extremely quickly if both people don't have independent hobbies/interests/activities to bring to the conversations. If your main source of entertainment is your SO, then he'll attempt to 'escape' the role.

[Deanster]

Hmmmm... OK, that changes things a little. LOTS of men (and women, I suppose) have a problem dealing with SO's who aren't working, and how they interact when they get home.

 

It's really hard when you're just coming home from a long day at work, and your SO has been home alone much of the day - she's eager to chat, relate, and in general, start a period of 'together time'. The guy just wants to chill and be left alone for a while - and the XBOX is a perfect tool to do that with.

 

Whether intentionally or otherwise, he's distancing you, perhaps to try to get some space after he gets home. He's probably doing that unskillfully - and most likely doesn't even know he's doing it.

[misery.junkyard]

Ahhh... Ok. So what do you do to keep busy?

 

I know that in a relationship, things can sour extremely quickly if both people don't have independent hobbies/interests/activities to bring to the conversations. If your main source of entertainment is your SO, then he'll attempt to 'escape' the role.

 

I keep busy mainly with cleaning, cooking, and the occasional movie (something I like that he doesn't have interest in that I watch while he's at work). Things of that nature.

 

Hmmmm... OK, that changes things a little. LOTS of men (and women, I suppose) have a problem dealing with SO's who aren't working, and how they interact when they get home.

 

It's really hard when you're just coming home from a long day at work, and your SO has been home alone much of the day - she's eager to chat, relate, and in general, start a period of 'together time'. The guy just wants to chill and be left alone for a while - and the XBOX is a perfect tool to do that with.

 

Whether intentionally or otherwise, he's distancing you, perhaps to try to get some space after he gets home. He's probably doing that unskillfully - and most likely doesn't even know he's doing it.

 

Well it's not like I try to do that daily, I don't expect for him to not play it at all or anything like that. It's not like I'm trying to staple myself to his hip.

 

But it's hard to get time with him without distractions even on his days off.

[Walk]

I keep busy mainly with cleaning, cooking, and the occasional movie (something I like that he doesn't have interest in that I watch while he's at work). Things of that nature.

 

But it's hard to get time with him without distractions even on his days off.

 

My suggestion: I'd find a hobby that will give you something to help you feel more self-confident. Maybe something like learning to play the piano, or guitar. Or register for an adult ed class. Or find a group to join that interests you.

 

I'm suggesting this because at this point you really don't have much to offer in terms of stimulating conversation. You can discuss what you've read on the news, or how your day went, but in terms of personal growth you don't have much to offer at this time. That isn't a bad thing, it's just that if you had a choice of listening to someone discuss how they learned oil painting, or hear about household chores, what would you prefer to listen to?

 

Beyond your relationship... you need to take care of yourself. That means your own personal growth. Not only is it essential to retaining brain function well into your senior years, but it's also a necessity in keeping a healthy and functional relationship.