I'm coming out of lurker mode

[me4u2]

Hi all! I really hope you can guide me or give me advice here because I'm just spent at the moment.

 

I don't know if I want to separate or get a divorce or have an affair or jump off a roof. I've read books, I've been reading all there is on this site regarding divorce, separation, OW/OM, Infidelity - you name it, I've read the thread.

 

I'm hoping to get some feedback on getting to where I don't feel this way anymore. I have 18 years in this marriage and 2 little ones. Is it normal to feel this way after this many years of marriage? And if you do, can you really fix it? I feel disconnected emotionally from my marriage. I'm literally forcing myself to smile, have a conversation, strike up date nights, come up with something new to do, etc., but nothing is making me think I can fix this.

 

Honestly, when I think of leaving I feel this sigh of relief or weight lifted. I feel excited almost. But I know that's just because it is what it is - which is exciting and new. Anybody have any books or advice on what I can do to get back in the swing of things with my husband and my marriage?

 

Thanks!

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I don't know if I want to separate or get a divorce or have an affair or jump off a roof.

 

Are these your only options? I'd vote for NONE OF THE ABOVE.

[me4u2]

Are these your only options? I'd vote for NONE OF THE ABOVE.

 

 

 

LOL! No, I'm just in a funk and I typed exactly what I thought at the moment. I do want to find some advice on staying married and not separating or divorcing. Maybe I was looking for comfort in knowing this happens and it will pass, I really don't know. I'll check out the site though, thanks!

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm literally forcing myself to smile, have a conversation, strike up date nights, come up with something new to do, etc., but nothing is making me think I can fix this.

What is it that has deteriorated your marriage to this point? Hard to give you specific ideas without more info...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronni_W]

Maybe I was looking for comfort in knowing this happens and it will pass

How long have you been feeling so disconnected? Do you have any insights into what started it? Have you sought counseling? If you had to guess, what do you need more of in your marriage, and what do you want less of?

 

Most importantly, what is your intuition telling you about the chances that it is just a temporary 'something' that will pass?

 

Oh yeah...and welcome to LS!

[imagine]

Do wander off and have a look at the articles at the marriage builders. com site. Prepare yourself for a LOT of real interesting reading.

 

Well done that you DID something about the funk. Great to have you aboard.

[highfive]

Welcome to the Forum!

 

Are you my wife? Your funk sounds very much like what we are going through at the moment.

 

Rest assured, you have come to the right place - you will get great support and advice. I wish you all the best!

 

^5

[me4u2]

What has deteriorated my marriage? This is a difficult question that I've been asking myself for months if not years. I feel like we've grown apart rather than together after all these years. We are both very relaxed about each others independence and while I wouldn't necessarily trade that, I do believe it's the reason we've grown apart. We're perfectly fine doing things on our own without the other and I think too much of that creates the situation we're in - which is great friends.

 

There are other things though, I would say we're opposite in the bedroom, we have different views on life or general happiness, what's important, etc. I asked him several weeks ago how he thought things were between us. He seemed shocked and he said he thought things were great. I told him I thought things were blah and he said I was crazy and that we have the perfect life. Wow. I wasn't expecting him to shuffle me off to buffalo when I said that, but then again, that's his personality.

 

How long have I been feeling disconnected? Too long really. The funny thing is, I don't harbor any resentment or anything like that, it's just more or less numbness or at a loss basically. I don't think his views or wrong or need to change, I just think he's who he is and I'm who I am and we let too much of that spill into important parts.

 

I don't know. I just really don't know. But I'm going to read that site that was suggested. I haven't had a chance since my 22 month old has other plans for me it seems, lol!

 

Thanks all! More than anything I think it helps to just type it out and get it off my chest. I will say though that usually I'm very good at pushing this off and getting over it, but for some reason this time my coping skills aren't working.

[Ronni_W]

for some reason this time my coping skills aren't working.

That's actually a good thing -- your "happiness desires" are starting to complain more loudly about being ignored and "pushed off" to the side for too long.

 

The truth is that sometimes the partner we are with just can no longer support and encourage us the way they used to -- OUR needs have changed (not necessarily to "better", just changed.) But, when our needs do change, we stop being the partner that can fully support and encourage them the way we used to, that they STILL need/want, too.

 

The 'emotional needs' questionnaire over at the marriagebuilders.com site can be very revealing...and disturbing at the same time. Also the 'love busters' survey.

 

The challenge that you will have, is that your husband is perfectly happy and content -- he does not want or need anything changed, for himself.

(So) We need to find ways to help him see the benefits of contributing more to your happiness and contentment in the ways that you need...WITHOUT also making him feel as if he is inadequate and incompetent as a partner. (Did I mention that is quite challenging to pull off? But not impossible once you realize that, really, the changes that will make you happier must come from within .)

[jwi71]

While coming here is a good place to get some perspective from WS and BS...nothing compares to sitting down with a trained counselor. Have you sought IC or MC?

 

And, you'll hear this here I'm sure - life is too short to live as you are. If you want to save your M, then do so. You have put a considerable amount of time, energy and thought into it alone - have you tried these with your H or a counselor? Have you had a good heart-felt talk with your H?

 

Words are great. Thinking is great. Actions are better. What have you done aside from the first two?

 

What is your goal? How will achieve it? By what can you measure "success"?

[me4u2]

Alright, I just took the Emotional Needs questionnaire and that was depressing to say the least. On a bright note, there were a few things that were ok, BUT when I got to the end that said to rate what you wanted 1 - 5 the things that I liked were at the bottom or not on the list.

 

What have I started?

 

I think I just need to go back and stop thinking about this. Surely this will wash over. Maybe I just feel extra stressed with my almost 2 year old or something.

 

Ronni W - the thing is, you said something so clear regarding change and changing. I really believe there in lies my answer. We have changed or I have changed, whichever, and I'm not sure what to do really.

 

I'm little nervous to take the Love Buster survey, lol! I might need a margarita after the kiddos are in bed.

 

JW71 - I have not been to a counselor and I highly think my H will think I've lost my mind if I suggest one at this point. He views things as great, I view things as "where am I and how did I get here and why am I going through the motions". Regarding your questions, I have no clue to be perfectly honest. I must sound nutty, but I just usually push past this point so I don't really reflect on the goal or how to achieve it. The goal has been to suck it up and go forward based on the fact that we have years together.

 

But now I feel like I want a life filled with some of the things that make me smile or laugh from the gut, make my cheeks hurt, you know? A little (or alot) of passion, some emotion and affection mixed with some genuine interest.

 

I think I'm in for some discoveries I'm really not ready for yet.

[Ronni_W]

What have I started?

 

Honestly, you do not want to know . I really came to appreciate how it can be said that "ignorance is bliss".

Thing for me was, I did not so much consciously start it as my freakin' subconscious (or something) started it for me. Similar to you, I guess -- those infernal 'you are not happy' messages just kept getting louder and louder until I was "forced" to bloody well DO something to shut them up.

 

But. The reward is honest-to-goodness, deep-down, can't-take-it-away-from-me happiness and fulfillment. At least, it was/is for me. Which doesn't make the trip any easier but...that's the only carrot I can dangle in front of you, at this point.

 

I think I just need to go back and stop thinking about this. Surely this will wash over. Maybe I just feel extra stressed

 

Yep, that's a definite possibility, too. Have you considered stress-relieving measures? (Yoga, meditation, painting, kick-boxing?) I agree with you that, at this point, it is about you getting clear on your own stuff...not so much the time for couples' counseling yet. But a few individual sessions may help you gain your clarity faster, as well as be excellent for stress-release.

 

I really believe there in lies my answer. We have changed or I have changed, whichever, and I'm not sure what to do really.

 

Well, first. Take a deep breath. Then just acknowledge that change has happened, somewhere, somehow. Let the 'acceptance' of that settle within your mind -- you don't need to DO anything right at this very moment.

 

Then later, embrace the change(s) and find ways that'll work for you, hubby and family; ways to incorporate whatever is indicated will better meet the new needs (and eliminate all the stuff that are no longer needed for the happiness of you, hubby or family.)

 

Well...that's how it looks in print. You may have guessed it sure ain't as easy as that. No worries, though. Keep posting and you'll get tons of assistance and support.

 

I think I'm in for some discoveries I'm really not ready for yet.

 

Will it help to consider (or just take it on faith) that your Universe would not deliver anything that you're not ready for? -- cos it sounds like you are already on the path (albeit maybe feeling "dragged along", as I did.) But honestly --*IF* that is the case-- "resistance is futile", so may as well face it with a sense of adventure and discovery. And humour...humour is gonna help a LOT!

 

PS: If it doesn't feel like the right time, I wouldn't suggest to go ahead with the 'love busters' questionnaire -- there is NO need to add to what appears to already be feeling a little overwhelming. Which is normal, of course, but also calls for you to be gentle and kind with yourself. (((hugs)))

[You'reasian]

Try this...

 

Take a week or two or three away from your husband, legitimately. Through work or something to get you away from the house. While you are away working or on business, read, excercise more and do some self-searching - focus on you, but...

 

Do not talk to him if you don't have to.

 

Bring some old pictures of you and your husband. Look at them and remember the things you guys did together. Think about the two of you.

 

 

While you are away, remember what it was like when you first met your husband - think about the state you were in when you met him? How you guys met? What allowed the two of you to grow together? Some defining moments and really imagine them again.

 

 

Make sure he is well rested, tell him that its important for you to meet him - and go out on a date with him! That's right, date him - and if you're feeling frisky, let him score .

 

Come back as the woman he knew when you guys first met. Show him a great time!

 

I know if I had a gf or wife and she pulled this off, I would spend the entire weekend alone with her...