tied down and uncertain

[Galadriel]

I have been married now for seven months to a man I have known about a year and a half. He is from the Midwest and I am from the West Coast, so we come from slightly different backgrounds. He has a job that makes a lot of money but it is back in his hometown. I have been there twice, for a total of about 2-3 months. I couldn't stand it there. Although he makes a lot of money, we have nothing saved so his family has to house us. This is also abhorrent to me. His family and I do not like each other. I was always depressed living there. As a result I have moved back west where I have friends and I have not seen my husband in about a month.

 

Now I am beginning to have second thoughts about our marriage. It seems like money is more important to him than I am. He doesn't particularly like the job itself, just the paycheck. He doesn't even like living with his family! I've tried to persuade him to come out west to work, but he keeps saying that he won't make as much money.

 

To me the money doesn't matter. Just so long as we're not starving I don't care how much money we have. I just want to be together where I can be happy about our relationship and where I stand in his affections.

 

I don't know what I should do. It's not like he's just a boyfriend any more--I'm commited to him now. When we were first married he was working out west, but this huge paycheck just seems to have him dazzled.

 

How can I keep this relationship going? Or is it worth going for?

[Tony T]

What I don't understand is though he makes a lot of money, the two of you have nothing saved. So what's the point of him making a lot of money? As a couple, the two of you are no better off than if he was making no money at all. Where does the money go?

 

When two people get married, they take vows to move away from their parents physicially and emotionally and become dedicated to one another. You need to remind your husband of that.

 

There is simply no logical or sane reason why he should remain housed at his parents just to make a lot of money that goes nowhere. That's insane. Perhaps for some reason he actually wants to be around mama and daddy. In that case, you've got a real problem on your hands.

 

Tell him plain and clearly that the two of you are married now and, no matter what, you have to live as husband and wife and be away from his parents. If he refuses, then you know what to do.

 

You have shown me no evidence of a big paycheck that could be dazzling him. What does he do with the money? Is he on drugs?

[BeenThere]

...Why didn't the two of you take the time to work all of this out BEFORE you got married?

 

It's not too late to get an annulment (spelling?). It *IS* impossible, however, to remain in a marriage with someone who is living somewhere else living a separate life. Work out the IMPORTANT details FIRST...even live together for a period of time before you go rushing into a permanent commitment.

 

You need good timing, a lot of patience and careful planning to make a marriage work. Contrary to popular belief (and as you are now learning the hard way) *LOVE* is not always enough...

I have been married now for seven months to a man I have known about a year and a half. He is from the Midwest and I am from the West Coast, so we come from slightly different backgrounds. He has a job that makes a lot of money but it is back in his hometown. I have been there twice, for a total of about 2-3 months. I couldn't stand it there. Although he makes a lot of money, we have nothing saved so his family has to house us. This is also abhorrent to me. His family and I do not like each other. I was always depressed living there. As a result I have moved back west where I have friends and I have not seen my husband in about a month. Now I am beginning to have second thoughts about our marriage. It seems like money is more important to him than I am. He doesn't particularly like the job itself, just the paycheck. He doesn't even like living with his family! I've tried to persuade him to come out west to work, but he keeps saying that he won't make as much money.

 

To me the money doesn't matter. Just so long as we're not starving I don't care how much money we have. I just want to be together where I can be happy about our relationship and where I stand in his affections. I don't know what I should do. It's not like he's just a boyfriend any more--I'm commited to him now. When we were first married he was working out west, but this huge paycheck just seems to have him dazzled. How can I keep this relationship going? Or is it worth going for?

[Galadriel]

Yes, you're right, a lot of it does go to drugs. When we first got together he was doing them, but not spending hardly any money on them. And even when we were first married, he still really only spent a little bit on them. When he couldn't afford them, he just went without. But now that the money is rolling in, so are the drugs.

 

I stopped doing drugs right when we first got together and I've asked him to also. But he does so much more now that we're married than when we were just dating. He says I knew what I was getting into when I married him, but I really didn't. Before we were married it was me who was most important to him. Now the money and his drugs have turned him away from me. Or so it seems to me.

 

I know he's not addicted physically (because he only does non-addictive substances like pot and acid) but he says not to make him choose between me and them. Which translates that he would rather give me up than them.

 

Ok, I know, I sound like a whining little kid. But I didn't know he would turn into this. And now I don't know what to do now.

What I don't understand is though he makes a lot of money, the two of you have nothing saved. So what's the point of him making a lot of money? As a couple, the two of you are no better off than if he was making no money at all. Where does the money go? When two people get married, they take vows to move away from their parents physicially and emotionally and become dedicated to one another. You need to remind your husband of that. There is simply no logical or sane reason why he should remain housed at his parents just to make a lot of money that goes nowhere. That's insane. Perhaps for some reason he actually wants to be around mama and daddy. In that case, you've got a real problem on your hands. Tell him plain and clearly that the two of you are married now and, no matter what, you have to live as husband and wife and be away from his parents. If he refuses, then you know what to do. You have shown me no evidence of a big paycheck that could be dazzling him. What does he do with the money? Is he on drugs?

[velvet]

When two people get married usually the man has a strong desire to provide a comfortable life for his love, and the women wants to also provide to home.

 

Maybe he just needs more time to for his goals, maybe hes saving money by staying with his folks to help get ahead.

 

What are his plans? While your far apart, nothing will become of your marriage until you too can come to some agreements.

 

On the other hand if he is blowing all his money on drugs and has not tried to contact you and is happy with out you than you have no more marriage.

 

You too need to talk, tell him how you feel, and ask what are his intentions. Tell him when he can provide a home with some minimum protection from moving back in with his family, you will come back....if thats what your asking.

 

Yes, you're right, a lot of it does go to drugs. When we first got together he was doing them, but not spending hardly any money on them. And even when we were first married, he still really only spent a little bit on them. When he couldn't afford them, he just went without. But now that the money is rolling in, so are the drugs.

 

I stopped doing drugs right when we first got together and I've asked him to also. But he does so much more now that we're married than when we were just dating. He says I knew what I was getting into when I married him, but I really didn't. Before we were married it was me who was most important to him. Now the money and his drugs have turned him away from me. Or so it seems to me. I know he's not addicted physically (because he only does non-addictive substances like pot and acid) but he says not to make him choose between me and them. Which translates that he would rather give me up than them. Ok, I know, I sound like a whining little kid. But I didn't know he would turn into this. And now I don't know what to do now.

[sideshow bob]

> Yes, you're right, a lot of it does go to

drugs. When we first got together he was doing them, but not spending hardly any money on them. And even when we were first married, he still really only spent a little bit on them. When he couldn't afford them, he just went without. But now that the money is rolling in, so are the drugs.

you say that you don't think he's addicted physically. what about emotionally? what is going on that he feels the need to spend so much money on pot and acid? what emotions is trying to escape from?

 

sit down and have a long talk with your husband. as draining as this situation is, he needs as much support as possible to kick the habit. that's assuming he wants to kick the habit. if he does, then get on the phone straight away and refer him to a drug counselor/narcotics anonymous/rehab centre/support group. there are several types of treatment for drug habits. do some research and offer a helping hand. if he refuses help then you may have to reconsider your marriage to him or at least give him an ultimatum. it may shock him into getting straight, it may not. even though marriage is a huge committment it is not something you are stuck in forever if you are miserable. definitely try and work on the problem, but don't neglect yourself in the process. if you are fighting a losing battle then admit defeat. behind all drug problems lies further misery for families and friends. it is such a complex prolbem.

 

is it possible he's also dealing? this could create a myriad of problems (think THE LAW).

I stopped doing drugs right when we first got together and I've asked him to also. But he does so much more now that we're married than when we were just dating. He says I knew what I was getting into when I married him, but I really didn't. Before we were married it was me who was most important to him. Now the money and his drugs have turned him away from me. Or so it seems to me.

i couldn't help but wondering if you've ever discussed having children? i urge you (because i don't know the full details of your situation) to try everything in your power to hold off having children if you've discussed it and have a time period. no child deserves to be brought up by a parent who uses drugs. it's just too unpredictable, irresponsible, disrepectful to the child and unstable.

 

you have the financial, physical and emotional wellbeing of yourself to think of here, as well as your husbands.

[Galadriel]

My husband won't change his plans and come be with me (see previous question *tied down and uncertain*). We talked about it for a few hours last night and couldn't come to any solution. I told him I wanted an annulment if we weren't going to be together.

 

Now he has told me he wants to kill himself and is talking crazy and I don't know what to do. Part of me feels remorseful and part of me just doesn't care. I know it's ultimately my decision, but I could use some objective input.

[Tony T]

You have already made your decision. You have clearly decided that if the two of you can't be together you want an annulment and rightly so. What purpose would there be to do otherwise?

 

This man has shown himself unfit and unworthy of you by his attempt at emotional extortion by threatening suicide if you don't change your mind. That's a bunch of bunk.

 

If you feel his threat is real, notify authorities and/or take action to get him help. But don't let that influence your decision. If he wants to manipulate you by stooping to that kind of crap, he can kiss my butt!!!

[Galadriel]

You're right. I guess all I needed was an affirmation. I think I'm right in my decision to leave. Thank you.