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Does marriage kill sexual passion?


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I've been taking this stand in several posts here, and mulling over it at the same time. Is it even possible to keep the sexual fires burning for each other in a long-term marriage? I don't think it is. The very nature of a long-term relationship with someone kills whatever desire there might have been to begin with. Passion between two people isn't built to last.

 

This doesn't seem to bother W's as much as it does H's. I believe that most W's do not value sex in their marriages... at least not like they do all the other things that they keep running in the marriage - kids, household, cooking meals, pets, extended family members, etc. etc. etc. They get more fulfillment out of other activities besides sex. But we all know men are not the same way.

 

I see so many MM (cheating or not) who act almost like the Walking Dead around their W's. The light has gone out of their eyes. Everything they do is drudgery, unless it involves doing a "guy" thing like watching football (then they perk up a little). And they're totally different people when they go out with their "guy" friends. But around their W, it's shoulders slumped, slack-jawed, eyes half-closed, like they're carrying around a 100-lb. bag of rocks.

 

It's like these MM (the ones who don't cheat, anyway) are resigned to the inevitability of the death of their sexual side, in return for being taken care of, security, and social acceptance. It's a trade-off for them.

 

The ones who DO cheat are fighting that inevitability tooth and nail.

 

Am I wrong? Do you believe it's possible to keep those home fires burning when you've been married a long time to the same person?

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The best I hear is that the passion comes and goes. However, there is never the excitement that exists when a relationship is new. Many marriages burn out of passion after a period because the parties get to know each other so well, sex becomes very predictable and the chase is basically over.

 

There are married couples whose passion for each other grows over time, or so they claim. Outwardly they seem very much into each other...but they never let you come home to the bedroom with them so we'll never really know.

 

If you want to read more about this phenomenal from a scientific perspective, go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect Very interesting reading.

 

Bottom line: I don't think you will often meet a couple who is as excited and impassioned about sex together a year or two later as they were when they first started getting to know each other. But that's OK. There are many more things to learn about each other.

 

Oddly, many men seem never to become bored with their hands???

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I think that in the types of marriages you describe, the zombie-like behavior is a result of the interaction and relationship the couple has and the lack of sex is a by-product or symptom. The wife decides that the marriage license is also a license to control the husband, and the husband lacks the spine and balls to do anything about it. They're both partially at fault.

 

I had a bandmate whose wife wasn't very supportive of his playing music and thought he should spend more time taking care of the kids. While kids are more important than a band, people--male or female--still need some sort of outlet. He seemed to be in the process of being "broken" by his wife. I can't count the number of times I heard the phrase, "Never get married, man," come out of his mouth.

 

While I've never been married, thinking that the relationship should suddenly change is seemingly the biggest mistake, IMO. And the zombie-like men in the OP are the same men who half-heartedly subscribe to the "A happy wife is a happy life" ideology. You should never treat someone better than they treat you. Or, conversely, don't allow yourself to be treated worse than you treat someone else. That goes for men and women alike.

 

I think that over time that kind of unhealthy interaction/relationship ends up partially or wholly contributing to killing the passion.

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I believe that most W's do not value sex in their marriages... at least not like they do all the other things that they keep running in the marriage - kids, household, cooking meals, pets, extended family members, etc. etc. etc. They get more fulfillment out of other activities besides sex.

 

dude, you slay me – very few women are "passionate" about housework and baby-minding, because they seem to be stuck with the burden of that work because their spouses/SOs feel it's a woman's job. Or are so oblivious to the fact that she needs help around the house. Thankfully, not all men are like this, but I do believe there are enough of them to form a consensus that "women don't value sex in their marriage" because they are more interested and "get more fulfillment out of other activities besides sex."

 

my POV? That sex in a marriage goes south because one or both parties either grow lazy or stop trying. And that includes those men (and women) who treat their spouses like chopped liver when they want an exclusive diet of prime rib, or those partners who do the burden of grunt work around the house and are expected to put out when they don't have physical or moral support for the practical workings of the marriage/family life.

 

*I* think you can keep the home fires burning – really, really hot, at that – if you dedicate yourself to keeping the marriage fresh and just being there for your partner. The best sex is that with someone you know, that you trust, and who makes it good just by being that person you love so well.

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dude, you slay me – very few women are "passionate" about housework and baby-minding, because they seem to be stuck with the burden of that work because their spouses/SOs feel it's a woman's job. Or are so oblivious to the fact that she needs help around the house.

 

Well, I'm not a dude, but I do agree with you. I wouldn't want to have sex with him either, if I had to do all the drudge work in the M. Maybe I explained myself wrong. My point was, it seems that W's can learn to be happy living without sex a lot easier than men... they can find fulfillment in other activities; but men aren't the same way. But I could be totally wrong about that.

 

my POV? That sex in a marriage goes south because one or both parties either grow lazy or stop trying. And that includes those men (and women) who treat their spouses like chopped liver when they want an exclusive diet of prime rib...

 

I've heard this a lot, so it must be true. It seems very easy to become complacent in a M and take your partner for granted.

 

The best sex is that with someone you know, that you trust, and who makes it good just by being that person you love so well.

 

I hear a lot of W's say this... but I never hear men say it, or behave like they believe it. Tony T's reference above to the Coolidge effect says it all. When it comes to sex, men like strange, new, unexplored territory. That's what keeps THEIR fires burning.

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The wife decides that the marriage license is also a license to control the husband, and the husband lacks the spine and balls to do anything about it... the zombie-like men in the OP are the same men who half-heartedly subscribe to the "A happy wife is a happy life" ideology.

 

And that's another point I struggle with. Every relationship is a power struggle of sorts... and there can only be one King of the Castle. Only one person can wear the pants. I don't see it happening any other way... and the weaker partner has to adjust and resign him/herself, and learn to be happy with it. [OpenBook shudders]

 

You should never treat someone better than they treat you. Or, conversely, don't allow yourself to be treated worse than you treat someone else. That goes for men and women alike.

 

Amen, tanbark!! But in a long-term marriage, I just don't know if it's possible to maintain that equilibrium.

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Lookingforward

I see so many MM (cheating or not) who act almost like the Walking Dead around their W's. The light has gone out of their eyes. Everything they do is drudgery, unless it involves doing a "guy" thing like watching football (then they perk up a little). And they're totally different people when they go out with their "guy" friends. But around their W, it's shoulders slumped, slack-jawed, eyes half-closed, like they're carrying around a 100-lb. bag of rocks.

 

It's like these MM (the ones who don't cheat, anyway) are resigned to the inevitability of the death of their sexual side, in return for being taken care of, security, and social acceptance. It's a trade-off for them.

 

I think that in the types of marriages you describe, the zombie-like behavior is a result of the interaction and relationship the couple has and the lack of sex is a by-product or symptom. The wife decides that the marriage license is also a license to control the husband, and the husband lacks the spine and balls to do anything about it. They're both partially at fault.

 

 

Both these quotes pretty much describe the way my exsMM described his M - he especially described it as the way his FIL acted and one of his major concerns was that he didn't want to end up the same way......

 

Unfortunately he didn't have the courage to follow through with his conviction that it was best to leave....... so I guess that's the way he WILL end up.

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Lookingforward

To address your original question - I don't believe that is the way it has to be inevitably.....

 

I think you can be in a LTR or M and still have that passion for each other.

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And that's another point I struggle with. Every relationship is a power struggle of sorts... and there can only be one King of the Castle. Only one person can wear the pants. I don't see it happening any other way... and the weaker partner has to adjust and resign him/herself, and learn to be happy with it. [OpenBook shudders]

 

In the types of marriages you originally described that's basically the case, but it doesn't mean it has to be that way. The person wearing the pants doesn't have to treat their partner like shyt (nor should they).

 

A roundabout example and way of making a point (hopefully :D):

 

My last band was a total democracy. Everyone had an equal say in everything but it was hard to get things done because rarely are 5 people going to be in total agreement and there was no hierarchy.

 

The band I'm in now has a clear cut leader. It's his band and we're a part of it. It doesn't mean we're lesser members. He doesn't treat anyone with a lack of respect and he's not going to make any decisions that negatively impact the band. But he calls the shots and it's up to us to decide if we want to go along with things or leave. Not surprisingly, this band gets a hell of a lot more done.

 

There's nothing inherently wrong with dominant and submissive positions in a relationship. It's when there is a lack of respect that's introduced that is the real problem.

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I don't believe that all marriages have to lose the passion. It takes work, but most of all it takes true intimacy between 2 people who are willing to open up to each other, share their fantasies, and keep the fire burning. Loyalty and honesty is the foundation for passion. If a marriage becomes filled with lies, deceipt and painful arguments, or no communication and separate lives, then the passion will fade and eventually die. Some things can't be overcome.

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Loyalty and honesty is the foundation for passion.

 

I disagree. Loyalty and honesty may be the foundation for a successful LTR (whether it's with best friends, or a marriage, or a family member) - but I don't think those traits have anything to do with passion.

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There's nothing inherently wrong with dominant and submissive positions in a relationship. It's when there is a lack of respect that's introduced that is the real problem.

 

Very interesting. If the "Leader of the Band" is judicious and fair and respects and looks out for the other band members, it works.

 

Unfortunately, I've seen how power corrupts in marriages far too often to not be deathly afraid of being in the "submissive" role. But I have no interest in "wearing the pants" in a romantic relationship either.

 

So I'm stuck.:D

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I've been taking this stand in several posts here, and mulling over it at the same time. Is it even possible to keep the sexual fires burning for each other in a long-term marriage? I don't think it is. The very nature of a long-term relationship with someone kills whatever desire there might have been to begin with. Passion between two people isn't built to last.

 

I think you are exactly right. Human beings are insatiable. We always want more and different. No matter how great your spouse is sexually, you will tire of them eventually. Especially for men. The story of Buddha finding the middle road made it clear to me. He tried the life of pure hedonism and a life of pure asceticism, and neither one was satisfying. He could not eliminate desire either way.

 

I've thought about it myself, and I know if I was married to the most physically attractive women I could think of, having the greatest, wildest sex in the world, I would probably tire of her eventually (though it might take a while :laugh:). That's just a reality of life. We are designed to keep the species going, and being only sexually excited by a single person is not as good for species survival as finding many different people sexually exciting.

 

This doesn't seem to bother W's as much as it does H's. I believe that most W's do not value sex in their marriages... at least not like they do all the other things that they keep running in the marriage - kids, household, cooking meals, pets, extended family members, etc. etc. etc. They get more fulfillment out of other activities besides sex. But we all know men are not the same way.

 

Again, I agree. I think that's why (if you read the history books) men in almost every society had prostitutes, courtesans, or women of some kind other than their wives to turn to for sexual satisfaction (I also learned to my surprise that pedophilia and zoophilia were quite common in the past as well with men :sick:). Whether or not the wives approved or knew about their outside sexual outlets varied in each society. It's pretty safe to say in our current American society it is definitely taboo.

 

That's why the number of female prostitutes overwhelmingly outnumbers male prostitutes. Sex is more important to men. Because of that, women essentially have their pick when it comes to sex. If they are even mildly attractive they could have sex with thousands of attractive men all the time if they wanted to. Obviously, this isn't happening, so the only conclusion can be that women must not have that desire to nearly the same extent.

 

I see so many MM (cheating or not) who act almost like the Walking Dead around their W's. The light has gone out of their eyes. Everything they do is drudgery, unless it involves doing a "guy" thing like watching football (then they perk up a little). And they're totally different people when they go out with their "guy" friends. But around their W, it's shoulders slumped, slack-jawed, eyes half-closed, like they're carrying around a 100-lb. bag of rocks.

 

It's like these MM (the ones who don't cheat, anyway) are resigned to the inevitability of the death of their sexual side, in return for being taken care of, security, and social acceptance. It's a trade-off for them.

 

The ones who DO cheat are fighting that inevitability tooth and nail.

 

I've noticed this myself. I've actually read that married men have lower testosterone levels than single men. Probably makes them less likely to cheat. They do look pretty miserable if you ask me. That's something that scares me about marriage. I essentially see it as the end of the sexually gratifying part of life.

 

Am I wrong? Do you believe it's possible to keep those home fires burning when you've been married a long time to the same person?

 

No. I think once the sexual passion dies a relationship becomes more about others things, like companionship. Older couples don't really have a real deep physical passion for each other or even spend much time together from my own observations. I know quite a few older women who have stated exactly that. They feel more comfortable with a man in the house, he's essentially a nice companion who offers some comfort and security.

 

My parents don't spend a ton of time together, and my grandparents had separate beds ever since I can remember. They got along, but there was definitely no hanky panky going on, and I think I may have seen them hug and kiss once (at their 50th wedding anniversary).

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This is interesting. :confused:

 

I'm getting married soon and one of things we talk about is romance and keeping the "love alive". No one knows the true secret of a "pefect" marriage with passion, loyalty, honesty devotion and all the great stuff we think marriage is. But I believe it's up to the wife and husband to do special things every now and than. I can't wait to be a mother but I also keep in mind I'm a wife and a partner for my future husband. It sounds cheesy but he's actually found books that give you ideas on cheap dates and things you can do to have the one on one time and not forget why you fell in love.

 

Yes yes, I know you're all probably thinking I'm in the "newlywed" stage and still in the fantasy world but you have to start sometime. We've been together for a while and sometimes with all the activities and things that go on in life we sometimes get lost in time...but we always have just one night out of the week for us. And when we have kids, we will do our best to keep that up. Both play an important part in marriage...some wives get consumed in the kids and house and forget about there husbands. But it works for men too...sometimes men forget to still romance there wives and bring them flowers and do special things to remind her she's still loved.

 

It's hard...there is no way of knowing...I believe communication is the key too. If you see the marriage going down...talk talk talk...express your feelings.

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It sounds cheesy but he's actually found books that give you ideas on cheap dates and things you can do to have the one on one time and not forget why you fell in love.

 

BINGO! You've just explained how a long-term, intimate, monogamous relationship has the potential to stay alive. Because when one person forgets what it was that made him/her choose this person for a lifetime relationship, it all goes south.

 

and the point you made is actually something the team that lead our Marriage Encounter weekend made, that you have to remember what it was that brought you to the table, and ways you can keep the spark going.

 

beaches, I think the two of you will have a highly successful relationship because you've already decided to make the commitment beyond The Commitment! :love::love::love:

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foreverinlove

No. I think once the sexual passion dies a relationship becomes more about others things, like companionship. Older couples don't really have a real deep physical passion for each other or even spend much time together from my own observations. I know quite a few older women who have stated exactly that. They feel more comfortable with a man in the house, he's essentially a nice companion who offers some comfort and security.

 

 

I beg to differ. We have a very active sex life. Sex is very important in our marriage, otherwise it wouldn't be a marriage, it would be like living with a room mate, and that's not what either of us signed up for. We are still very much in love. The key is talking about everything. Your hopes, dreams, likes and dislikes, nothing is taboo. Also, trying new things, whether it's in the bedroom or just in general life. Marriage does not have to become boring. The problem is people get into a rut and stay there, then everything becomes boring, including their partner.

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foreverinlove,

 

You sound like you'd be a good marriage partner. I don't know how old you are, but I know many older couples and you are the exception and not the rule. I know quite a few older women that have not directly said, but strongly implied and said in not so many words that their husband is essentially a roommate and offers some security and protection, and that's about it.

 

I'd say in approximately 100% of relationships one or both people become complacent at some point. You obviously work at yours, good for you. I'm just trying to give a realist perspective to the OP, yours is a more ideal perspective. Obviously, you can maintain a decent amount of passion if you have two people that are very willing to work at it. But the truth is passion does die somewhat, even in the best situation.

 

Maybe women can focus all their sexual passion on one man, IDK. All I know is it's highly, highly unlikely for a man. We aren't wired that way. Eventually, we'll tire of the woman no matter what she looks like or what she does in the bedroom.

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foreverinlove
foreverinlove,

 

You sound like you'd be a good marriage partner. I don't know how old you are, but I know many older couples and you are the exception and not the rule. I know quite a few older women that have not directly said, but strongly implied and said in not so many words that their husband is

 

Maybe women can focus all their sexual passion on one man, IDK. All I know is it's highly, highly unlikely for a man. We aren't wired that way. Eventually, we'll tire of the woman no matter what she looks like or what she does in the bedroom.

 

 

I'm 60 and my husband is 61. It will be 42 years next month since we got married. My husband would disagree with you. He hasn't tired of me yet, and neither have I of him. He's actually the one who initiates the hugs, kisses, snuggling etc. every day more than I do, but that's only because he usually beats me to the punch.

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I'm 60 and my husband is 61. It will be 42 years next month since we got married. My husband would disagree with you. He hasn't tired of me yet, and neither have I of him. He's actually the one who initiates the hugs, kisses, snuggling etc. every day more than I do, but that's only because he usually beats me to the punch.

 

That is awesome. :)

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a little late to the party, and this has probably already been addressed, but:

 

This doesn't seem to bother W's as much as it does H's. I believe that most W's do not value sex in their marriages... at least not like they do all the other things that they keep running in the marriage - kids, household, cooking meals, pets, extended family members, etc. etc. etc. They get more fulfillment out of other activities besides sex. But we all know men are not the same way.

 

 

bull****, bull****, and bull****!

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If they are even mildly attractive they could have sex with thousands of attractive men all the time if they wanted to. Obviously, this isn't happening, so the only conclusion can be that women must not have that desire to nearly the same extent.

 

also bull****!

 

it isn't that we don't desire it, but it is easier for a woman to sublimate it. if a woman has her "pick" and actually takes it, she is viewed as a slut with no self-respect...even in these oh-so-modern times, and especially by other women. among men, she becomes known as the "go-to" girl and more tired than a rental bicycle. that isn't necessarily a reputation all of us want to have.

 

another thing is, many women do need the emotional connection to be turned on, and find it difficult to be that emotional with complete strangers. especially a guy that just wants a roll in the hay--they are petrified of this behavior, as they don't want to be roped into the kind of marital drudgery that we're talking about here. and obviously, being physically smaller and not necessarily having the martial arts training, there is the "so i'm dating a serial killer" aspect that many of us are trying to avoid.

 

let's just put this myth to bed! women want and need sex just as much as men do. it is simply our motivations and ability to have satisfying sex are slighly different, whether that is due to biological difference or societal conditioning. now that is the point over which the argument should commence!

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also bull****!

 

it isn't that we don't desire it, but it is easier for a woman to sublimate it. if a woman has her "pick" and actually takes it, she is viewed as a slut with no self-respect...even in these oh-so-modern times, and especially by other women. among men, she becomes known as the "go-to" girl and more tired than a rental bicycle. that isn't necessarily a reputation all of us want to have.

 

another thing is, many women do need the emotional connection to be turned on, and find it difficult to be that emotional with complete strangers. especially a guy that just wants a roll in the hay--they are petrified of this behavior, as they don't want to be roped into the kind of marital drudgery that we're talking about here. and obviously, being physically smaller and not necessarily having the martial arts training, there is the "so i'm dating a serial killer" aspect that many of us are trying to avoid.

 

let's just put this myth to bed! women want and need sex just as much as men do. it is simply our motivations and ability to have satisfying sex are slighly different, whether that is due to biological difference or societal conditioning. now that is the point over which the argument should commence!

 

You obviously didn't read my post very well. I said you don't desire it to the same EXTENT. Generally speaking, that is a fact. If you are an exception so be it, there is an exception to everything in life.

 

Plus you proved my point. You talk about the need for emotional connection, different motivations, don't want to be viewed as a slut, etc. to have sex. These things do not concern men. There's more to it for you ladies. Sex is just an urge we need to fulfill.

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I think men and women are both sexual beings - to varying degrees based on individuality. I think that I am very sexual - I say it, of course, at the risk of being called a slut and a host of other names that society has to discourage women from expressing themselves sexually.

 

I think the main difference between men and women, sexually, is that even an ugly chick can pretty easily go out and get laid. But, for men, it is more difficult. Even attractive men have a hard time of it. That's why men have to pay for sex. Lots of them are desperate. They don't know how to talk to women. Or, they're just losers that nobody wants. They become sex obsessed because of their lack thereof.

 

A woman whose sexual energy is a little high can go out, see someone attractive, drop her phone number in his lap and get whatever she wants.

 

Men just have fewer options and - let's face - lots less control over the results of the encounter. Unless the guy is snipped, he has to worry about long-term repercussions.

 

It must suck to be a man. Seriously!

 

I think you are exactly right. Human beings are insatiable. We always want more and different. No matter how great your spouse is sexually, you will tire of them eventually. Especially for men. The story of Buddha finding the middle road made it clear to me. He tried the life of pure hedonism and a life of pure asceticism, and neither one was satisfying. He could not eliminate desire either way.

 

I've thought about it myself, and I know if I was married to the most physically attractive women I could think of, having the greatest, wildest sex in the world, I would probably tire of her eventually (though it might take a while :laugh:). That's just a reality of life. We are designed to keep the species going, and being only sexually excited by a single person is not as good for species survival as finding many different people sexually exciting.

 

 

 

Again, I agree. I think that's why (if you read the history books) men in almost every society had prostitutes, courtesans, or women of some kind other than their wives to turn to for sexual satisfaction (I also learned to my surprise that pedophilia and zoophilia were quite common in the past as well with men :sick:). Whether or not the wives approved or knew about their outside sexual outlets varied in each society. It's pretty safe to say in our current American society it is definitely taboo.

 

That's why the number of female prostitutes overwhelmingly outnumbers male prostitutes. Sex is more important to men. Because of that, women essentially have their pick when it comes to sex. If they are even mildly attractive they could have sex with thousands of attractive men all the time if they wanted to. Obviously, this isn't happening, so the only conclusion can be that women must not have that desire to nearly the same extent.

 

 

 

I've noticed this myself. I've actually read that married men have lower testosterone levels than single men. Probably makes them less likely to cheat. They do look pretty miserable if you ask me. That's something that scares me about marriage. I essentially see it as the end of the sexually gratifying part of life.

 

 

 

No. I think once the sexual passion dies a relationship becomes more about others things, like companionship. Older couples don't really have a real deep physical passion for each other or even spend much time together from my own observations. I know quite a few older women who have stated exactly that. They feel more comfortable with a man in the house, he's essentially a nice companion who offers some comfort and security.

 

My parents don't spend a ton of time together, and my grandparents had separate beds ever since I can remember. They got along, but there was definitely no hanky panky going on, and I think I may have seen them hug and kiss once (at their 50th wedding anniversary).

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It must suck to be a man. Seriously!

 

It's not so bad. We can't get pregnant and we can pee standing up..........:p

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I beg to differ. We have a very active sex life. Sex is very important in our marriage, otherwise it wouldn't be a marriage, it would be like living with a room mate, and that's not what either of us signed up for. We are still very much in love. The key is talking about everything. Your hopes, dreams, likes and dislikes, nothing is taboo. Also, trying new things, whether it's in the bedroom or just in general life. Marriage does not have to become boring. The problem is people get into a rut and stay there, then everything becomes boring, including their partner.

 

That's great, forever! Would you say you're the exception to the rule?

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