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Fiance & I are fighting over him staying out all night


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My fiance and I are now on non-speaking terms because I get very upset when he wants to stay out all night with his friends and not come home....

 

Let me clarify...I have told him I don't mind once in a while (which in my book is 1X/month, mabey 2X if it was something really special) if he stays out as long as he is kind enough to ask me ahead of time. He recently started bartending about 2 months ago, and it is upsetting to me because now I barely ever see him, and he often doesn't come in until 4 or 5am after getting off work. That has also been making me upset, and we have gotten into it a few times these past few weeks. Last weekend he stayed out all night without coming home for a going going away party for one of his friends. He asked and I said cool - have fun. Then earlier this week he wasn't home until 5:30 am because a friend of his was having issues. Finally, on Friday night he asked again if he could stay out all night because a friend of his was in from out of town. I got upset. I locked him out of our bedroom (for the first time ever!) He has gotten so upset that he has not spoken to me in 3 days, and last night he didn't come home, didn't call, nothing.

 

I am not worried that he is cheating on me, its just that his friends like to party ALOT and they are all single. This has happened before- it seems to go in spurts...we will get into this huge fight, he will stop doing it, and then something comes up why there is always a reason he needs to be out like 3-4 times in a row. I was raised in a family where my mother and father never went out ALL night without each other without coming home.

 

Then he throws it in my face that we might as well call the whole engagement off and "cut our losses" after 4 years because I get mad when he goes out and because I locked him out of the room....This is very upsetting to me because we used to have this problem early in our relationship (except it was me threatening to move back to my home state when things got rough), and he said it was very hurtful and asked me to stop unless I really meant it, so I did. Now, it seems as though ever since we have gotten engaged, (this past X-mas) every time he gets really mad he says he is "done with this relationship". Other than that, Everything is great between us, he is sweet, affectionate, kind, loving..etc.

 

I just dunno what to do anymore. I don't know why but it just really hurts me when he doesn't come home....No one else I know has a partner who does this....I have never done it either....Its a big thing to me. I am just looking for advice or suggestions. Thanks

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Is he someone who stays out most all night partying, and not respecting how you feel, someone you want to continue to be involved with?

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I hope you don't think it will get better after you're married, because it wont, it will get worse. Its an issue that needs to be delt with now. If he wont deal with it, or cotinues to hang out all night after he knows how you feel, then maybe you need to cut him loose.

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I wouldn't put up with that behavior. Just tell him, next time he argues with you about this, that he can feel free to call off the engagement because you will not marry someone who needs all nighters. And mean it. Just make sure you are clear to him about how you stand on this issue and that you will not budge...but he is more then welcome to leave if coming home at night isn't his cup of tea.

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Dark-N-Romantic

He is right, you should cut your loses. But, not for the same reason why he things he is right though. You said it before, your parents would not be out all night without the other. How many times have you gone out all night with him like that? Are you sure your not getting yourself into an dynamically unleveled marriage? I mean most people don't just do a 180 when the vows are said. You have accepted a certain aspect about him and are now expecting him to do a dramatic change. This is not to say you are wrong or to say he is right because personally, I would not want to be out all night on a regular basis without my SO. But, then again, I would look someone who shares a lot of my same feelings about how much time we need to spend together.

 

Your feelings are hurt and rightfully so. And if he is willing to tell you he is fed up with the relationship, why are you staying? Don't you realize that is a weapon of probably the most damaging kind? It is like someone saying they hate you, or they could do better, or some other equally mean thing to make you feel bad and/or comply to their will. See, you are willing to compromise with once or twice a month, some are so clingy that they don't want their partner to do it at all. And your right about another thing, I know I get it that when I am in a relationship, that has to a lot of times than not take precedence over my friends and family wants. How else does one prove they will be there when they are not? If friends are coming into town, I would have them over to visit us. If they are going through issues, I will make a time and date for them to sit down and talk about it. If your friend is having a going away party, I would take my SO along.

 

 

DNR

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In the past when you got into fights you would threaten to move back to your home state.

 

Now when you got into a fight, you lock yourself in the bedroom.

 

Seems like you're acting very immaturely and just running away from the problem rather than actually dealing with it. I can see why this makes him angry.

 

I'm not saying he's right for wanting to stay out all night this often, but you're not approaching the situation in anything resembling a constructive manner. What did you think would get solved by locking yourself in the bedroom?

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I'm with Jack on this one. It WILL get worse after you marry.

 

I don't really have any advice or suggestions for you. He knows you don't like it, and rightfully so and yet he continues to do it. Expect more of the same treatment if you marry him.

 

He's the type to do what he wants no matter what your feelings are I guess.

 

Only you can decide if you want to marry someone like that. I wouldn't but that's me. He doesn't sound ready for marriage at all.

 

Also, the fact that he's willing to "cut you loose" over this tells me a lot.

 

If you marry, I'd give this one less than 3 years. I'm serious. And I'm really, really good at predicting which marriages will make it and last and be successful and which won't. (If I do say so myself.)

 

And I agree with Enema. This isn't only about him. Good relationships don't handle conflict in the way you two BOTH do.

 

Can't you both sit down and discuss this like adults? Make an agreement and negotiate for what you both want.

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He recently started bartending about 2 months ago, and it is upsetting to me because now I barely ever see him, and he often doesn't come in until 4 or 5am after getting off work.

You don't mention his hours, but at many places bartenders work until 2:00am or later. I tended bar to pay my way thru college, and it's a demanding job in a high-energy atmosphere. It was very hard for me to just come home and go to bed, just as it would be for someone who got off work at 5:00pm to retire two hours later. Is your problem as simple as mis-matched schedules?

 

Mr. Lucky

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There are plenty of fish in the sea. I would consider calling off the engagement and start dating other people. Right now, this marriage sounds like it's going to be pretty rocky.

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SunnySideUp

I agree, that there might be a better way to go about solving this problem than what has happened so far. It sounds like it's an argument that keeps happening, and happening in the same way, which can be very frustrating for both parties. My husband and I experienced that same thing for a least a year after we were married, and only after going to a marriage counselor have we solved those problems.

 

Your fiance likes to stay out late without you. Do you know exactly why this upsets you? Is it because he is out without you? I think in a serious relationship/marriage, things should be equal. Do you enjoy going out without your fiance? If not, maybe you should give it another try. It's healthy to spend time apart. I've found the more time my husband and I spend apart, the better our time together is. But, it definitely is problematic that you have expressed that it upsets you and he keeps doing it. It is obviously something that is deeply ingrained in him, and it seems like he's not willing to give up his late nights (or overnights) with his friends, so it might just be one of those things you either have to learn to live with or to find someone who feels the same way you do about the issue.

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torranceshipman

He doesnt sound like a guy who is ready to be married at all. He's disrespectful to you and seems to be living the way a single guy would.

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hank you very much everyone for all your responses so far!

 

Yes know it was unfair and childish of me to lock him out of the bedroom that night. That was my anger coming out, and I will admit it was not the right way to deal with the situation, and I have apologized. We are usually very good about talking about things rationally and calmly and coming to some sort of compromise. But it seems since he has been working nights, I have become angry about the late nights.

 

Not that it makes it right, but we have been severely struggling financially for over two years and we have been living at his parents house since August of 2006...I feel like I have no space at all that is my own where I can get away...not that it makes it right or anything...I want to move out - I never expected living with his Mom to be long term...and it is killing our ability to have an "adult" relationship...Last week, after staying out late (4-5) most nights, the one night he comes home early, he wants to come home and get intimate with me when I hardly see him, and the kicker is OUR BEDROOM IS RIGHT NEXT TO HIS MOMS!!! Then he became upset when I told him it makes me feel like he only wanted to come home early because of that. I know that is a hard thing to hear, and all I wanted was for us to talk about it, but I felt like he just got mad and never even stopped to think how hurtful the situation might feel to me.

 

Yes, he does work nights at the bar, and often doesn't get off until 2-3am, and then he likes to sit and hang out after work. This has been a difficult adjustment for me. I work days and weekends full time while I go to school 3/4 time in preparation for my masters. I barely see him in passing - I might get to talk to him for a few mins before I head out the door if he gets up...I am far away from the rest of my entire family, and my days are pretty solitary, between work and studying to maintain my 4.0 in school. Our friends all have families and children, although none of them are married, so it is hard to get together with my girlfriends. I tell him how much I appreciate him and thank him for everything he does for me all the time, and he does the same for me. We just had a great past 6 months...my birthday was two weeks ago and it was absolutely wonderful (I just turned 30, he is 33). However, I feel strange about him coming home at 5-6 in the morning after work...And he KNOWS I do not like it when he stays out all night long all the time...What makes me upset is that (for example) seeing as how he went out last weekend all night on Saturday without coming home until 10-11am Sunday and I said I was cool with it, why did he ask me again this weekend when he knows that I have asked him for it to be an occasional thing? It makes me feel like he doesn't really take my feelings about that matter seriously. And then when he asks me, and I get upset and say I am not really cool with that, he gets upset and says "well at least I asked." This is one of the major issues that seems to reoccur every 6-8 months in our relationship; we have a huge blow out, we sit down, work it out, but then it happens again. There is always some reason that he just HAS to go (someone's birthday, someone is in from out of town, someone is having a going away party). I am not trying to say he needs to pick his friends over me at all, but why does it have to be ALL night?? If it is late in the night when he gets off, why not meet up with them in the morning when he doesn't have to work.

 

What has really upset me now is his behavior. Yes, I locked him out of our bedroom that night so he had to sleep on the couch, but I did not leave home or anything. He is the one who left Sunday night and didn't come home and say anything about it or tell me he was okay. Yes, I locked him out of the room and I was very upset, but I never once said I was through with him or our relationship. I have told him that hurts me more than anything when he says this and he knows it. He is the one that refuses to talk to me, not the other way around. But now I am beginning to have doubts.

 

I want to marry someone who is willing to stick it out through thick and thin (and we have...you have NO idea of the crazy and difficult things we have dealt with and overcome so far, and I feel that our relationship has grown better and stronger each time. Compared to our friends, I am happy and feel blessed by with the way we deal with each other 99.9% of the time) and it makes me wonder why now, after everything and once he has proposed to me, is he always so quick to throw everything away. Last time he did that, I took off my ring and said fine....and when we finally patched things up I told him to not to say those kind of things unless he was sure he meant it. I don't want to be one of those couples who is married and threaten each other with divorce every time something doesn't go their way. To me. Marriage should be a mutual willingness to work through things even when they are NOT easy because in the end you know how much you really do love each other.

 

I don't know if this helps at all...mabey I am being too optomistic..thanks for listening!

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oh, and just as another note, I do actually love going out. We love going out together. But in the year+ that he was not making enough $$ he became very depressed, and to make ends meet, I ended up picking up the slack, and I have made the decision to go back to school to get a better paying job to better both of our lives. If I didn't have pre-med level classes to study for in school or work, I would go too (unless it was specifically just the guys, because that is their guy time, just like I need my girl time)....And yes, these were my choices, but i guess i just hoped that he would mabey show some appreciation for these sacrifices I have made to my social life and freedom by not arguing with me when I say I am not okay with it once in a while. Even if that means making a small sacrifice of his own...

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Maybe he is acting this way because this is his moms house he has to come home to. Maybe it would be different if you two were living in your own place, maybe then he would like to come home.

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He is 33 and still at his mom's house, so there ya go. He can come and go as he feels. She probably never said much about him coming and going and probably expects the same from you especially since its not even your house. Think long and hard though about him being 33 and still at home. He sounds pretty dependent and comfortable where he is.

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Speaking from experience, if he's tending bar until 2:00am or later, then he's simply on the cycle that most people working those hours develop. Would you rather that he came home at 3:00am and woke you up by playing music or watching TV? It's a different life, very hard for a "day" person to relate to.

 

Also, you posted these comments:

This is very upsetting to me because we used to have this problem early in our relationship (except it was me threatening to move back to my home state when things got rough)

What has really upset me now is his behavior. Yes, I locked him out of our bedroom that night so he had to sleep on the couch, but I did not leave home or anything.

You seem to be engaging in the same semi-confrontational behavior that he is. While it's not healthy for either party in a relationship, why is it OK for you but not for him?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Haloandhorns85

Ya know, I have a completely different opinion then most of the posters.

 

I can understand why you locked him out of the bedroom, especially since you are living with his mother. You are out of you environment and have no place to call your own. You were pissed and needed some space...I get that completely. I lock my bf out of the room from time to time when we are fighting. I need space to deal with my emotions and he won't leave me alone, so he gets the door locked. I see nothing wrong with trying to separate yourself from what was making you angry. IMO, that's healthy. I don't think it was immature at all. Now staying there and letting the arguement escalate into a screaming match is immature.

 

On to the actual problem...him staying out all night. My bf tried this in the beginning when we first started living together. And I WAS NOT gonna have it. I just put my foot down and told him that I expected to be treated better than that. I expected to have my feelings and thoughts respected and considered in the same way I do for him. If not...bye bye my dear. I'm not going to have that BS in my life and if he didn't wanna cooperate, then I didn't need him in my life. He straightened up and started acting like an adult real quick. I don't care if he is a bartender or not, there is absolutely no reason good enough to stay out all night, multiple nights in a week, when you have a woman at home that you are ENGAGED to! And to a point, your man does have to choose you over his friends. He has choosen to promise marriage to you; you and your relationship are suppose to be his top priorities...not his friends or the parties they throw. Sure, they may be awesome to party with, but who is gonna be awesome at sharing his life with? His friends will eventually find someone and get married and settle down too, then what is he gonna do? Party with the youngins like the guy on Dazed and Confused? LOL. That is what I picture!

Put your foot down, although after telling him you are ok with it on occasion and letting it go on for so long, it is gonna be a pretty big uphill battle. IMO, men (let me clarify, men like your fiance) are just like children in some respect: You give them an inch, they take a mile....and STILL want more! You let them get away with something for a while, they are always gonna push the limits with you further and further til you stop it. Either put you foot down and demand some changes, or get rid of him. You sound like you are a great catch and he doesn't even realize what he's got. Let him figure out how great of a catch you really are when you are gone, hence the saying "You never know what you've got til it's gone!" You will find someone else who will cherish the great catch they stumbled upon.

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Then earlier this week he wasn't home until 5:30 am because a friend of his was having issues.

 

His friend can't get his "issues" tended to at decent hours? Sorry, I don't buy it.

 

 

Finally, on Friday night he asked again if he could stay out all night because a friend of his was in from out of town.

 

What is the need to stay out all night? Really, what is the point? Only one reason, in someones bed.

 

 

I got upset. I locked him out of our bedroom (for the first time ever!) He has gotten so upset that he has not spoken to me in 3 days, and last night he didn't come home, didn't call, nothing.

 

Do NOT marry this playboy.

 

 

I am not worried that he is cheating on me

 

You should be. Staying out all night long is HUGE red flag.

 

 

its just that his friends like to party ALOT and they are all single.

 

Then he needs to remain single. Again, do not marry this partier.

 

 

Then he throws it in my face that we might as well call the whole engagement off and "cut our losses" after 4 years because I get mad when he goes out and because I locked him out of the room....

 

Make an honest man out of him and throw the engagement ring at him and tell him to get out.

 

 

I just dunno what to do anymore. I don't know why but it just really hurts me when he doesn't come home....No one else I know has a partner who does this....I have never done it either....Its a big thing to me. I am just looking for advice or suggestions. Thanks

 

Partiers do not have a good track record at all of being faithful. Do you want to be sitting at home like a good little wife with a baby while he is out doing who knows what until 5am??

 

Trust me, you don't want to be that poor wife that plays the fool while her husband goes out all the time.

 

Too bad you can't get a disguise that isn't obvious and follow him.

 

I'm sorry, maybe, and only maybe, going out once in a blue moon and coming home late is one thing. Making it a habit is totally unacceptable. My last gf told me that if I ever came home later than 2am that it would be over. I never go anywhere that I'd need to stay out that late.

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Well...after 6 days of refusing to talk to me and avoiding me completely, as well as not coming home for 2 of the 6 nights and staying in a hotel, he came home this morning hung-over and said that we just are not working anymore...that his feelings for our relationship right now are gone...he said i just cut him too badly when i locked him out of the room and told him i wouldn't put up with that type of behavior...that makes of incredibly angry, especially since i feel i have been much more willing to compromise on this topic and have been much more trusting than most...

 

It's funny because just 2 weeks ago he was telling me how very much he loves me, how lucky he is, how i am the best thing to ever happen to him, and how all of his friends (who he listed by name, like so and so told me today...) tell him he is lucky to have such a great girl...i always try to tell him how much i appreciate him and all the things he does for me, and he does this to me in return....now this morning he says he wants to just worry about taking care of himself right now...i feel too hurt for words...

 

The only 2 major arguements we have had in the past 2 or 3 years have only been about this staying out all night and about him finding a better job...he worked for his best friend and weeks would go by where i got nothing to put towards the bills because they had no work...when i asked him to please find another job because we were sinking in debt, he would not make much of an effort...his license had been suspended and he said he just couldnt get anywhere tn pick up apps or get tn work...I supported us for the most part while going to school almost full time for the 1.5 yrs...now that he has been bartending, things have been slowly getting better financially and i have felt a great weight has been lifted from me...he specifically said he wanted to bartend...i told him i was afraid he would get caught up in but the partying...he reassured me he wouldn't....up until he started working only nights at the bar, we both have said that we have been very happy...

 

i feel so hurt that he expects me to be patient with him and his issues and problems, but i feel like i dont get the same in return...

 

I know that everyone says to leave, but i am scared of leaving behind what could have been...i do truely and deeply love this man, but he seems to be still just spinning his wheels in life at 34...if I leave this time I am going back home to my family up north, hundreds of miles away...I will have to uproot my whole life...if he suddenly realizes his mistake, i am not sure i will be willing to risk myself like that again...i am also afraid if i back out and stay if he apologises that i will be just setting myself up for more of the same later...

 

Thank you all very much for taking the time to read this and your words of advice. :)

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I'm sorry this has happened and that you're hurting.

 

His excuse of it hurt him deeply that you lcoked him out of the bedroom, seems just as that, an excuse. I'm sure you're aware it goes beyond that, and you locking him out was a good excuse for him to end the relationship. I'm not saying it didn't hurt him, but I do think it was more of an excuse than anything. If he has been staying out all hours etc, even though he knew how you felt, I think he was already moving beyond the realtionship and wanting out, and I think its possible he jsut wasn't sure how to tell you.

 

I think you will be better off. You don't need someone who is not on the same page as you. Sometimes things have a way of working themselves out, even if its not what we always want, it might just be what we need.

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I know that everyone says to leave, but i am scared of leaving behind what could have been...i do truely and deeply love this man, but he seems to be still just spinning his wheels in life at 34...if I leave this time I am going back home to my family up north, hundreds of miles away...I will have to uproot my whole life...if he suddenly realizes his mistake, i am not sure i will be willing to risk myself like that again...i am also afraid if i back out and stay if he apologises that i will be just setting myself up for more of the same later...

 

 

 

Do you have to move back up north? is it possible to stay where you are, perhaps just move out and get a roommate? Rebuilding your life without completely uprooting it?

 

Love alone, does not a relationship make.

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My heart goes out to you Smoothchik.

 

From your very first posts I've been wondering if perhaps he might have an alcohol problem... As I read along a lot of things point to a yes - but only you know the real answer to this. If he does drink regurlarly, then the break up talk could be explained this way: he is choosing alcohol over you.

 

This is all suppositions of course.

 

But even if he doesn't have a problem with alcohol, SC, put yourself in our shoes: You're engaged to a man who has shown you and keeps showing that he doesn't have his act together. Do you really want to establish a life with someone like that?

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Haloandhorns85

SC - Girl, you gotta leave. He is giving you a golden opportunity to get out while you can without all the guilt you know he'd be laying on you. That is what he is doing by whining about you locking the bedroom door on him...i mean come on...it is a bedroom door. It's not like you locked him out of the entire house. He is being a bit dramatic IMO.

 

While he is saying all that about ending the relationship, just tell him ok, you'll be out by so-and-so date. Go find an apartment or a roommate. Or, if you must, go to your parents. But whatever you do, take this opportunity and leave that 17 year old trapped in a 34 year old's body. You deserve so much better. He sounds EXACTLY like a friend of my bf. That man is 36 years old and has nothing. He bartends at a local bar. Parties like he thinks he's 21. Every gf he gets he treats like crap in passive aggressive ways. Mounds tons of guilt on them everytime HE did something wrong. He'd twist everything into looking like the poor girl's fault. He'd throw up threats of ending the relationship. Only when all of his friends' gfs started "helping" her see his flaws would the girls finally get fed up and leave. (It was funny when the last girl left him...he threatened to end the relationship and she said ok...I'm going. She left and he was a mess for like 4 months! He constantly called her. Would show up at her work. Would go to her parents house. It was funny, but sucked for her.) So...that's what we are for...to help you see his flaws and give you the courage to leave and start over again. I think it might actually be better if you did move hundreds of miles away. That way he couldn't try to get you back. You wouldn't ever "accidently" run into him. He couldn't just be "passing through the area" and stop at your house. He couldn't "accidently" dial your number. He couldn't show up at your work or school. Because he is going to regret it when you do leave. And he will most likely try everything he can think of to make you feel sorry for him and take him back. Take this opportunity he unknowingly gave you and leave his sorry ass.

 

Let us know how it goes! Good luck! ;)

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lovestruck818
I am amazed that you are 30 and 33 and still living with his mom.

 

It's more common than you think...

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