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Fiance & I are fighting over him staying out all night

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Old 28th July 2008, 12:44 PM   #1
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Fiance & I are fighting over him staying out all night

My fiance and I are now on non-speaking terms because I get very upset when he wants to stay out all night with his friends and not come home....

Let me clarify...I have told him I don't mind once in a while (which in my book is 1X/month, mabey 2X if it was something really special) if he stays out as long as he is kind enough to ask me ahead of time. He recently started bartending about 2 months ago, and it is upsetting to me because now I barely ever see him, and he often doesn't come in until 4 or 5am after getting off work. That has also been making me upset, and we have gotten into it a few times these past few weeks. Last weekend he stayed out all night without coming home for a going going away party for one of his friends. He asked and I said cool - have fun. Then earlier this week he wasn't home until 5:30 am because a friend of his was having issues. Finally, on Friday night he asked again if he could stay out all night because a friend of his was in from out of town. I got upset. I locked him out of our bedroom (for the first time ever!) He has gotten so upset that he has not spoken to me in 3 days, and last night he didn't come home, didn't call, nothing.

I am not worried that he is cheating on me, its just that his friends like to party ALOT and they are all single. This has happened before- it seems to go in spurts...we will get into this huge fight, he will stop doing it, and then something comes up why there is always a reason he needs to be out like 3-4 times in a row. I was raised in a family where my mother and father never went out ALL night without each other without coming home.

Then he throws it in my face that we might as well call the whole engagement off and "cut our losses" after 4 years because I get mad when he goes out and because I locked him out of the room....This is very upsetting to me because we used to have this problem early in our relationship (except it was me threatening to move back to my home state when things got rough), and he said it was very hurtful and asked me to stop unless I really meant it, so I did. Now, it seems as though ever since we have gotten engaged, (this past X-mas) every time he gets really mad he says he is "done with this relationship". Other than that, Everything is great between us, he is sweet, affectionate, kind, loving..etc.

I just dunno what to do anymore. I don't know why but it just really hurts me when he doesn't come home....No one else I know has a partner who does this....I have never done it either....Its a big thing to me. I am just looking for advice or suggestions. Thanks
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Old 28th July 2008, 1:11 PM   #2
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Is he someone who stays out most all night partying, and not respecting how you feel, someone you want to continue to be involved with?
"When things get you down, make the best of your own life rather than worrying about what everyone else thinks!" ~Dita Von Teese~
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Old 28th July 2008, 1:37 PM   #3
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I hope you don't think it will get better after you're married, because it wont, it will get worse. Its an issue that needs to be delt with now. If he wont deal with it, or cotinues to hang out all night after he knows how you feel, then maybe you need to cut him loose.
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Old 28th July 2008, 1:53 PM   #4
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I wouldn't put up with that behavior. Just tell him, next time he argues with you about this, that he can feel free to call off the engagement because you will not marry someone who needs all nighters. And mean it. Just make sure you are clear to him about how you stand on this issue and that you will not budge...but he is more then welcome to leave if coming home at night isn't his cup of tea.
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Old 28th July 2008, 2:04 PM   #5
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He is right, you should cut your loses. But, not for the same reason why he things he is right though. You said it before, your parents would not be out all night without the other. How many times have you gone out all night with him like that? Are you sure your not getting yourself into an dynamically unleveled marriage? I mean most people don't just do a 180 when the vows are said. You have accepted a certain aspect about him and are now expecting him to do a dramatic change. This is not to say you are wrong or to say he is right because personally, I would not want to be out all night on a regular basis without my SO. But, then again, I would look someone who shares a lot of my same feelings about how much time we need to spend together.

Your feelings are hurt and rightfully so. And if he is willing to tell you he is fed up with the relationship, why are you staying? Don't you realize that is a weapon of probably the most damaging kind? It is like someone saying they hate you, or they could do better, or some other equally mean thing to make you feel bad and/or comply to their will. See, you are willing to compromise with once or twice a month, some are so clingy that they don't want their partner to do it at all. And your right about another thing, I know I get it that when I am in a relationship, that has to a lot of times than not take precedence over my friends and family wants. How else does one prove they will be there when they are not? If friends are coming into town, I would have them over to visit us. If they are going through issues, I will make a time and date for them to sit down and talk about it. If your friend is having a going away party, I would take my SO along.

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Old 28th July 2008, 6:31 PM   #6
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In the past when you got into fights you would threaten to move back to your home state.

Now when you got into a fight, you lock yourself in the bedroom.

Seems like you're acting very immaturely and just running away from the problem rather than actually dealing with it. I can see why this makes him angry.

I'm not saying he's right for wanting to stay out all night this often, but you're not approaching the situation in anything resembling a constructive manner. What did you think would get solved by locking yourself in the bedroom?
Suppose we've chosen the wrong god, everytime we got to church we're making him madder and madder. - H J Simpson.
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Old 28th July 2008, 7:05 PM   #7
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I'm with Jack on this one. It WILL get worse after you marry.

I don't really have any advice or suggestions for you. He knows you don't like it, and rightfully so and yet he continues to do it. Expect more of the same treatment if you marry him.

He's the type to do what he wants no matter what your feelings are I guess.

Only you can decide if you want to marry someone like that. I wouldn't but that's me. He doesn't sound ready for marriage at all.

Also, the fact that he's willing to "cut you loose" over this tells me a lot.

If you marry, I'd give this one less than 3 years. I'm serious. And I'm really, really good at predicting which marriages will make it and last and be successful and which won't. (If I do say so myself.)

And I agree with Enema. This isn't only about him. Good relationships don't handle conflict in the way you two BOTH do.

Can't you both sit down and discuss this like adults? Make an agreement and negotiate for what you both want.
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Old 28th July 2008, 10:33 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Smoothchik View Post
He recently started bartending about 2 months ago, and it is upsetting to me because now I barely ever see him, and he often doesn't come in until 4 or 5am after getting off work.
You don't mention his hours, but at many places bartenders work until 2:00am or later. I tended bar to pay my way thru college, and it's a demanding job in a high-energy atmosphere. It was very hard for me to just come home and go to bed, just as it would be for someone who got off work at 5:00pm to retire two hours later. Is your problem as simple as mis-matched schedules?

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Old 28th July 2008, 10:39 PM   #9
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There are plenty of fish in the sea. I would consider calling off the engagement and start dating other people. Right now, this marriage sounds like it's going to be pretty rocky.
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Old 28th July 2008, 11:04 PM   #10
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I agree, that there might be a better way to go about solving this problem than what has happened so far. It sounds like it's an argument that keeps happening, and happening in the same way, which can be very frustrating for both parties. My husband and I experienced that same thing for a least a year after we were married, and only after going to a marriage counselor have we solved those problems.

Your fiance likes to stay out late without you. Do you know exactly why this upsets you? Is it because he is out without you? I think in a serious relationship/marriage, things should be equal. Do you enjoy going out without your fiance? If not, maybe you should give it another try. It's healthy to spend time apart. I've found the more time my husband and I spend apart, the better our time together is. But, it definitely is problematic that you have expressed that it upsets you and he keeps doing it. It is obviously something that is deeply ingrained in him, and it seems like he's not willing to give up his late nights (or overnights) with his friends, so it might just be one of those things you either have to learn to live with or to find someone who feels the same way you do about the issue.
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Old 29th July 2008, 6:39 AM   #11
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He doesnt sound like a guy who is ready to be married at all. He's disrespectful to you and seems to be living the way a single guy would.
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Old 29th July 2008, 11:58 AM   #12
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hank you very much everyone for all your responses so far!

Yes know it was unfair and childish of me to lock him out of the bedroom that night. That was my anger coming out, and I will admit it was not the right way to deal with the situation, and I have apologized. We are usually very good about talking about things rationally and calmly and coming to some sort of compromise. But it seems since he has been working nights, I have become angry about the late nights.

Not that it makes it right, but we have been severely struggling financially for over two years and we have been living at his parents house since August of 2006...I feel like I have no space at all that is my own where I can get away...not that it makes it right or anything...I want to move out - I never expected living with his Mom to be long term...and it is killing our ability to have an "adult" relationship...Last week, after staying out late (4-5) most nights, the one night he comes home early, he wants to come home and get intimate with me when I hardly see him, and the kicker is OUR BEDROOM IS RIGHT NEXT TO HIS MOMS!!! Then he became upset when I told him it makes me feel like he only wanted to come home early because of that. I know that is a hard thing to hear, and all I wanted was for us to talk about it, but I felt like he just got mad and never even stopped to think how hurtful the situation might feel to me.

Yes, he does work nights at the bar, and often doesn't get off until 2-3am, and then he likes to sit and hang out after work. This has been a difficult adjustment for me. I work days and weekends full time while I go to school 3/4 time in preparation for my masters. I barely see him in passing - I might get to talk to him for a few mins before I head out the door if he gets up...I am far away from the rest of my entire family, and my days are pretty solitary, between work and studying to maintain my 4.0 in school. Our friends all have families and children, although none of them are married, so it is hard to get together with my girlfriends. I tell him how much I appreciate him and thank him for everything he does for me all the time, and he does the same for me. We just had a great past 6 birthday was two weeks ago and it was absolutely wonderful (I just turned 30, he is 33). However, I feel strange about him coming home at 5-6 in the morning after work...And he KNOWS I do not like it when he stays out all night long all the time...What makes me upset is that (for example) seeing as how he went out last weekend all night on Saturday without coming home until 10-11am Sunday and I said I was cool with it, why did he ask me again this weekend when he knows that I have asked him for it to be an occasional thing? It makes me feel like he doesn't really take my feelings about that matter seriously. And then when he asks me, and I get upset and say I am not really cool with that, he gets upset and says "well at least I asked." This is one of the major issues that seems to reoccur every 6-8 months in our relationship; we have a huge blow out, we sit down, work it out, but then it happens again. There is always some reason that he just HAS to go (someone's birthday, someone is in from out of town, someone is having a going away party). I am not trying to say he needs to pick his friends over me at all, but why does it have to be ALL night?? If it is late in the night when he gets off, why not meet up with them in the morning when he doesn't have to work.

What has really upset me now is his behavior. Yes, I locked him out of our bedroom that night so he had to sleep on the couch, but I did not leave home or anything. He is the one who left Sunday night and didn't come home and say anything about it or tell me he was okay. Yes, I locked him out of the room and I was very upset, but I never once said I was through with him or our relationship. I have told him that hurts me more than anything when he says this and he knows it. He is the one that refuses to talk to me, not the other way around. But now I am beginning to have doubts.

I want to marry someone who is willing to stick it out through thick and thin (and we have NO idea of the crazy and difficult things we have dealt with and overcome so far, and I feel that our relationship has grown better and stronger each time. Compared to our friends, I am happy and feel blessed by with the way we deal with each other 99.9% of the time) and it makes me wonder why now, after everything and once he has proposed to me, is he always so quick to throw everything away. Last time he did that, I took off my ring and said fine....and when we finally patched things up I told him to not to say those kind of things unless he was sure he meant it. I don't want to be one of those couples who is married and threaten each other with divorce every time something doesn't go their way. To me. Marriage should be a mutual willingness to work through things even when they are NOT easy because in the end you know how much you really do love each other.

I don't know if this helps at all...mabey I am being too optomistic..thanks for listening!
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Old 29th July 2008, 12:55 PM   #13
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oh, and just as another note, I do actually love going out. We love going out together. But in the year+ that he was not making enough $$ he became very depressed, and to make ends meet, I ended up picking up the slack, and I have made the decision to go back to school to get a better paying job to better both of our lives. If I didn't have pre-med level classes to study for in school or work, I would go too (unless it was specifically just the guys, because that is their guy time, just like I need my girl time)....And yes, these were my choices, but i guess i just hoped that he would mabey show some appreciation for these sacrifices I have made to my social life and freedom by not arguing with me when I say I am not okay with it once in a while. Even if that means making a small sacrifice of his own...
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Old 29th July 2008, 1:09 PM   #14
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30 and 33

I am amazed that you are 30 and 33 and still living with his mom.
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Old 29th July 2008, 1:44 PM   #15
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Maybe he is acting this way because this is his moms house he has to come home to. Maybe it would be different if you two were living in your own place, maybe then he would like to come home.
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