Question from a frustrated single

[iwanttolive]

A background of myself. I'm a 27 years old gal from a modern Asian country. But my family lives in third world country, also in Asia. I have no siblings (only child). Have many friends.

 

Why am I frustrated? It's because I've been in 4 relationships and I still have not found the right one. And I feel hopeless, seems like I will never get married. It doesn't help that i'm the only child and my folks live far away. I can't go back to my hometown because I have a career here. It gets really lonely. Friends are just not the same. And as I said i feel lost, like just drifting in life.

 

I am aware that one is responsible for his/ her own happiness. Hence, we should be happy being on our own. I am also aware that marriage is full of challenges. Before I got attached, i used to think that r/s is a bed of roses. Well, now I know it's not. And people have been telling me that marriage is even harder.

 

The thing is I feel like I'm missing something in my life if I don't get married. I will miss the joy of having a husband who needs you. I will miss the joy of having children, watching them grow, attain success and get married.

 

And in my mind, marriage introduces stability in life. There's everyday routine and ritual that one goes through and it keeps you occupied. Now, being single, I tend to feel lost. Where should I go after work? What should I do after church?

 

Should I go shopping? Who am I dressing up for? No one is appreciating it anyway. Should I go to gym? Who am I looking good for?

 

Feel so lost. Feel like my mindset is wrong but I can't get out of the maize. Thanks guys.

[GreenEyedLady]

You need to wait for the right one.

 

Marriage shouldn't be about marrying anyone, it should be about marrying "the one."

 

I know it's hard to be single and M seems like the answer to your dreams. But M is hard work and that's why you need to choose a good partner who you're compatible with or the potential for unhappiness and misery great.

 

I'm divorced. I married very young. I didn't know what I wanted and it seemed like the logical next step.

 

You aren't married because it wasn't the right man or the right time for you. You're still very young. Decide what type of traits you want in your partner. And don't settle for less than what you want.

 

When I married, I didn't know what I wanted in a mate. I didn't even realize how much we would both change. So pick a mate that you have a good potential future with. When it's right, it will happen.

 

I guess I am a romantic at heart, but this is my advice, don't pick the one you can live with, pick the one that you can't live without.

 

GEL

[iwanttolive]

Ok.. Say we'll never ever find 'the one'. How to resolve the feeling that we are missing something in our lives? That our lives are not as meaningful as married couples?

 

I feel like there's a huge gap in my life now. Feels like my life is not complete. I could try leading a life as if i'm gonna die tomorrow. Live the moment, seize the day. Be contented, i'm more fortunate than those who suffer hunger and poverty. I can go travelling, party, make lotsa $, help the less fortunate, get a dog, pamper myself in spa, eat good food (5-start hotel buffet even).

 

But try doing this until i'm 60 years old. Will I still be able to say i've lived my life happily? I wanna have a family of my own, but i'm so frustrated i am unable to find the one.

 

My criteria is simple. Just someone to share happy moments together. The thing is all my ex-bfs are not contented with this. They want someone who's smart, cool and I don't meet their expectations. I'm so bloody sick of feeling like i'm not good enough. And I don't know if i will ever find the one.

[GreenEyedLady]

You are so YOUNG! You aren't going to be an old maid!

 

You're more than good enough! Be happy you didn't marry your XBF-he's a creep for making you feel that way!

 

Don't lower your expectations because you think you'll be alone forever! Or you'll end up divorced.

 

And honestly, you will just KNOW when it's right. If you have to wonder, if your man is in love with you, then it's not right. If you have to strong arm him into getting you a ring, it's not right. It's right when your partner puts you first and wants only happiness for YOU.

 

It sounds like you're dating arrogant losers. Find someone who is interested in YOU and thinks that you are the best thing since sliced bread.

 

It'll happen. It may take time, but it'll happen. Don't rush it.

[quankanne]

Ok.. Say we'll never ever find 'the one'. How to resolve the feeling that we are missing something in our lives? That our lives are not as meaningful as married couples?

 

hon, your life is incredibly meaningful ... you've just managed to find jokers who can't appreciate the gift that you are. But you will find him. Or even find yourself further defined by some special child(ren) in your life who help you see how instrumental you are in a relationship.

 

first things, first, though. As tempting as it is to write yourself off as an old maid, don't. Your future is wide open, and the key to getting where you're meant to be is learning how to grow comfortable in your own skin. Because when YOU start accepting yourself for who you are, others will follow suit. And believe me, people notice that kind of self-confidence. There is someone looking for a woman like you, so don't sell yourself short.

[Enema]

If you were to write a list of the qualities that make up "the one"... what would it look like?

[iwanttolive]

Thanks GreenEyedLady.. I am pessimistic whether anyone will think i'm the best. They think you're the best during the honeymoon period. Then they lose their contentment. They start creating problems.

[Angel1111]

You don't need to justify why you want to be married, and don't need to feel bad that you would prefer that to being single. Humans are designed to want a mate, family, the whole ball of wax. I'm single and it's ok, but I would much prefer to be married.

 

Based on my experiences, though, being single may not be great, but I can assure you that few things are worse than being in a bad marriage. And look around you and see how many people there are that are happily married. On my side of the world, there aren't a lot, which makes me wonder if the majority of us don't give ourselves enough time to find someone we're compatible with. You're still young and anything could happen. Do what you're doing now - be selective and don't settle.

[iwanttolive]

If you were to write a list of the qualities that make up "the one"... what would it look like?

 

Not in order of importance:

 

1. Carry himself well with healthy self-esteem

2. Sense of humor, enjoy talking light topic, instead of serious stuff all the time

3. Value his family highly

4. Supportive of me even when i make stupid mistakes

5. Patient

6. Enjoy food and the outdoor

7. Principled.. as in having a backbone and not influenced by his buddies all the time

8. Honest

9. Responsible and accountable

10. Love me with all his heart

 

My most recent ex told me "I feel you're a girl and I want a woman". He made me feel so inadequate. He also criticised me alot. Here is my story under "break-up" forum http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t159089/

 

And i don't understand why my other ex-es also broke up with me because i don't live up to their expectations. It's like confirming what a stupid person i am.

[iwanttolive]

On my side of the world, there aren't a lot, which makes me wonder if the majority of us don't give ourselves enough time to find someone we're compatible with.

 

On my side of the world, people care so much about "face". They like to portray perfection and being envied by everyone else. Families try to send their children to top schools, get the kids extra lessons in music and sports, wives are highly educated, smart, maintain their petite frame, dress well and have great career, hubbies are materialistically well endowed with cars and nice apartments. They regularly go for holidays.

 

This is like the typical family. Maybe they are happy, maybe they aren't. But they always portray perfection to society because of the importance of "face". And i guess that's why my ex-es felt I don't live up to their expectation. I'm academicaly smart but i'm not street smart. I'm actually very absent-minded, bad with direction, bad with making decisions.

 

Maybe I should migrate to a Western country where people do not judge that ur unwanted when ur single. It's so stressful and pressurising here. Not to mention my family are not with me. That means Im renting a room. I don't even have my own house.

[HotCarl]

I will miss the joy of having a husband who needs you.

I would not recommend getting into this kind of situation. A husband who wants you is a good thing. A husband who needs you will lead to all sorts of experiences that I would be hard pressed to define as "joy".

 

Feel like my mindset is wrong ...

Actually your mindset seems pretty normal and healthy for a single 27 year old woman, except for the "husband who needs you" part.

[Virgo822]

iwanttolive,

 

If it helps, I felt a lot like you when I was 27.

 

But I was determined not to settle for just any woman. I wanted a soulmate, a partner, someone who shared my values, someone I wanted to grow old with.

 

We met, at last, when I was starting to lose hope. I was 39 when we got married.

 

But I'm really glad I waited. All around me I see siblings and friends who married young. They didn't know what was important to them, but then they had kids, and that took over everything. They were never really happy, but they dared not divorce because of the kids.

 

Now that the kids are growing up and going to college, these marriages are collapsing. They don't even like each other.

 

Meanwhile, I'm more in love now than I was 12 years ago. My life with her is rich and rewarding. While I wish we could have meet years earlier, I'm glad I waited for the right one.

 

It won't be easy. You'll probably have a few long-term relationships while you learn what is really important for you. But don't rush, get to know yourself, and then wait for the right one. You'll be glad you did.

 

Good luck.

[trubella]

iwanttolive,We met, at last, when I was starting to lose hope. I was 39 when we got married..

 

that part made me cringe a little.. i cant imagine being married for the 1st time at age 39.. i guess i always had this goal that i would get hitched by 30 (im 24 now) so i have some time until then lol. but yeah but seeing women and men in their mid-to late 30s who have never been hitched always made me wonder.

 

im sure some of them have their reasons though as you did..

[Darth Vader]

A background of myself. I'm a 27 years old gal from a modern Asian country. But my family lives in third world country, also in Asia. I have no siblings (only child). Have many friends.

 

Why am I frustrated? It's because I've been in 4 relationships and I still have not found the right one. And I feel hopeless, seems like I will never get married. It doesn't help that i'm the only child and my folks live far away. I can't go back to my hometown because I have a career here. It gets really lonely. Friends are just not the same. And as I said i feel lost, like just drifting in life.

 

I am aware that one is responsible for his/ her own happiness. Hence, we should be happy being on our own. I am also aware that marriage is full of challenges. Before I got attached, i used to think that r/s is a bed of roses. Well, now I know it's not. And people have been telling me that marriage is even harder.

 

The thing is I feel like I'm missing something in my life if I don't get married. I will miss the joy of having a husband who needs you. I will miss the joy of having children, watching them grow, attain success and get married.

 

And in my mind, marriage introduces stability in life. There's everyday routine and ritual that one goes through and it keeps you occupied. Now, being single, I tend to feel lost. Where should I go after work? What should I do after church?

 

Should I go shopping? Who am I dressing up for? No one is appreciating it anyway. Should I go to gym? Who am I looking good for?

 

Feel so lost. Feel like my mindset is wrong but I can't get out of the maize. Thanks guys.

 

 

Gotta pic of yourself?

 

Anyway, just enjoy yourself while single, well....... Not too much if ya know what'd I mean! When you have children, you may wish that you had some of that alone time back!

[lovestruck818]

A background of myself. I'm a 27 years old gal from a modern Asian country. But my family lives in third world country, also in Asia. I have no siblings (only child). Have many friends.

 

Why am I frustrated? It's because I've been in 4 relationships and I still have not found the right one. And I feel hopeless, seems like I will never get married. It doesn't help that i'm the only child and my folks live far away. I can't go back to my hometown because I have a career here. It gets really lonely. Friends are just not the same. And as I said i feel lost, like just drifting in life.

 

I am aware that one is responsible for his/ her own happiness. Hence, we should be happy being on our own. I am also aware that marriage is full of challenges. Before I got attached, i used to think that r/s is a bed of roses. Well, now I know it's not. And people have been telling me that marriage is even harder.

 

The thing is I feel like I'm missing something in my life if I don't get married. I will miss the joy of having a husband who needs you. I will miss the joy of having children, watching them grow, attain success and get married.

 

And in my mind, marriage introduces stability in life. There's everyday routine and ritual that one goes through and it keeps you occupied. Now, being single, I tend to feel lost. Where should I go after work? What should I do after church?

 

Should I go shopping? Who am I dressing up for? No one is appreciating it anyway. Should I go to gym? Who am I looking good for?

 

Feel so lost. Feel like my mindset is wrong but I can't get out of the maize. Thanks guys.

 

There is nothing wrong with being single. Furthermore, 27 is very young now-a-days. People are getting married much later now than back when our parents young (I'm 26, so we're the same generation). There are plenty of people who are single into their 30's & 40's and they are happy. It's all about finding what makes you happy and loving yourself, and once you can do that, he will come. Sometimes you just have to wait for the right one. It is better to wait for the right one than to rush into something quickly with someone who may be wrong for you. Good luck & all the best!

[Dark-N-Romantic]

IWantToLove, I am totally where you are, I have been in your situation since I was like 25 when I only had one girlfriend at 22 and lasted only a few months and now I am 38 and it is not getting easier. You know what I do, I let myself feel my pain and go through the depression and then realize that my tomorrow may be different than my today. And to let you know something, IT IS NOT BAD TO GO LOOKING FOR IT! For some love just drops in ones lap, others have to take an active participation in it. So, don't believe the hype about not going to look for it if you have to.

 

The truth of life is this, love is just like that fancy house or that awesome necklace we really want in life, but sometimes it may never come. Sad but true. The thing is that we still do all we can to enjoy life as much as we can. It is meaningful even if we don't have all that we want. I have been single for 6 years. And this is how my life has been. I find love, it leaves, and it takes years for me to find someone new, not from lack of trying, but then again I don't know what it is that women don't find in me that they want or find in me that makes me totally unworthy of them. But, this is life, and you know, I make it still have meaning. I discuss things here to hopefully get someone to realize something they may not. I am an a published poet and photographer (and I am going to be in Cambridge's Whos Who Among Professionals and Executives for my photography at the end of the year). I am going to be a godfather next year. I have two best brothers who I love very much. I have family that I can turn to at anytime. And most importantly, I have a God who loves me enough to call me His child and a savior who has prepared a place for me in perfection when either I pass or when this imperfect world cease to exist.

 

Be strong and of good faith. And remember your life is always meaningful, even if you don't get everything your heart desires... Even if it is love.

 

 

DNR

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Not in order of importance:

 

1. Carry himself well with healthy self-esteem

2. Sense of humor, enjoy talking light topic, instead of serious stuff all the time

3. Value his family highly

4. Supportive of me even when i make stupid mistakes

5. Patient

6. Enjoy food and the outdoor

7. Principled.. as in having a backbone and not influenced by his buddies all the time

8. Honest

9. Responsible and accountable

10. Love me with all his heart

 

My most recent ex told me "I feel you're a girl and I want a woman". He made me feel so inadequate. He also criticised me alot. Here is my story under "break-up" forum http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t159089/

 

And i don't understand why my other ex-es also broke up with me because i don't live up to their expectations. It's like confirming what a stupid person i am.

 

Your last ex was a fool. The problem is that he did not think your ideas for a man were reasonable. They sound very much what most people want in from their relationships. We all have our preferences, both realistic and unrealistic. Now maybe there were certain things about his character he did not want to admit to you, so he chose to make you feel small for wanting these things. And your not. Now the only problem I could see him having is if you don't realize that no one can live up to anyone's expectations and preferences all the time.

 

So I ask, now that you have stated what you want... What would the guy be getting from you?

 

 

DNR

[iwanttolive]

Thanks DNR...

 

So I ask, now that you have stated what you want... What would the guy be getting from you?

 

If there's such a man, i guess we'll be soulmates and we'll just enjoy life together. I just want to share my joy and sorrow with someone special..

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Thanks DNR...

 

 

 

If there's such a man, i guess we'll be soulmates and we'll just enjoy life together. I just want to share my joy and sorrow with someone special..

 

There are such men IWTL. It is just a matter of believing and sometimes picking through a lot of weeds to find that right flower. I know of one such guy.

 

1. I think I have a very great self-esteem in most things in my life. There are somethings I have to work at. And other things I need to reign in.

2. I can be witty, sarcastic, raunchy, and even a weird. I have a sense of humor and try to have it for the right occasion.

3. Not to say I run over and see my family all over the place, I still have a strong belief that a relationship, especially a marriage is aided by one's relationship with their family.

4. While I sometimes can poke fun at a person for some of the things they do... I have to be supportive, even if my spouse would make a mistake because, guess what... I make mistakes too! And being a guy, probably statistically more.

5. Patience varies. If you are taking a while in the bathroom to get dolled up for an evening out, fine. Now if you are taking a while in the bathroom and I have to use it or we are going to run late... HELL'S NO!

6. While on most occasions, I usually eat just for substanence, I do enjoy a well cooked meal, especially with a lovely woman. I can't wait to get married one day and cook a meal based on nothing but aphrodisiacs for my wife. As far as the outdoors, I may not be a camp master, but you know, I can enjoy just about anything with the right person.

7. I think sometimes I am too principled. So much so I might be accused of being perfect or having a stick up my behind. It took 38 years for me to build this man I have become and he is who I wanted him to be.

8. Some times I am too honest and say things I should not or that should not be said at that time. But, what good is a relationship if someone always have to question your integrity.

9. I take charge and own up for those things that I should be and am in charge of... This is one of the aspects my troops and superiors loved about me when I was a Marine. And when I did fall or mess up, I took ownership of my failings and tried to correct that failing.

10. Well, lets see, if the husband is suppose to be beholden and under the orders of his wife and vice versa, then if I love myself with all my heart, that must extend to my wife who is a part of me. So, I think I have the whole loving my wife with all my heart covered.

 

So, there are men out there. It is a matter of you being observant of it. Asking the right questions as you forge your relationship. Be open to the things you love about them, but more so for the things you may have to put up with that comes with them.

 

 

DNR