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My husband and I have been married almost four years now. We have two toddlers, and I'm a stay at home mom. Right before our daughter turned one, he went to truck driving school, regardless of my protests. He said it would be best, because I could stay at home with the kids and his income would support us. At first he would call me to the point of driving me insane. After a little while he became distant and just stopped calling home. I will admit I caused some of our problems, because when we married I was a horrible housekeeper. I was trying but I got lonely, and depressed. No matter what I did, he was rude about it. We moved a year or so later, and I didn't like it and was not happy there. I became increasingly depressed, and the amount I would try became less and less to the point that I was doing the minimal amount needed for anything. In this time period he became extremely emotionally abusive. He would do nothing but yell and scream at me when he came home. He started yelling at me about my weight. He went as far to threaten to leave me if I didn't lose weight. I am not fat, but I a certainly not thin, and I am only slightly heavier than when we met. I would send my children to my mother in law's house for days at a time, in which I would start drinking when I woke up. I drank until I passed out and repeated the steps. One day when I was lying on the couch thinking. I realized he hadn't said a nice word to me in months and started to plan suicide. Something seemed to snap inside of me, and I looked around at the way I was living and acting and was horrified! After that I changed my own circumstances. My children are happier. I forced my husband to move, yet he was still unsupportive and emotionally abusive. After having struggled out of the black hole I was in, I informed him I was leaving him. He begged me to wait until he was home so we could talk, and I did agree. After a few hours of crying and talking he realized how horrible he had been to me. Things are getting better, but I'm having a lot of trouble forgiving him for it. I can't seem to get it out of my mind of how he hurt me for so long. I don't know what to do, because he really is trying, but I am halting progress.

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FlyingToaster

Good for you on turning things around. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own happiness. I'm glad to see that you realized this instead of committing suicide. It makes me sad to think of your two children being without a mother.

 

Sounds like you and your husband are dealing with a lot of stress. You need to get into some marriage counseling. Not only will it help you two to learn how to communicate more effectively to each other, but it will help your husband uncover the real reasons behind his emotional abuse towards you.

 

Also, if he's willing to work on himself, you should work on forgiving him. I know it's hard to forget the hurt, but that's where counseling will help as well. Don't lose the momentum. Get some professional help while both of you are willing to work on this relationship.

 

Take Care

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Honestly, it sounds like there is plenty of blame to go around (not an unusual situation ;) ). I wonder if part of your angst is trying to forgive not just him but also yourself, both for the drinking and the suicidal thoughts. I think that IC would be an important step for you, perhaps even before MC. You need to be comfortable with your self, your circumstances and your life before you can contribute to a successful relationship. Congrats on the progress you've made so far...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Yes, I know I need IC but finances won't allow it. I've been to a counselor but she said that there were people who had worse problems than I did, and seemed to be doing better, so just keep up what I'm doing. When I was 13, I was violently raped, then he tried to kill me three seperate times. I hold deep scars from that, still. For years I would have nightmares where I'd wake up screaming at the tops of my lungs, and fighting anything near me. Of course, while I was going through all this hell with my husband I did not want to be intimate.. but it was forced, I didn't have a choice. The nightmares have come back and it's like he's reopened that wound from 10 years ago.. I thought it had healed, and it hurts so bad that he would do this to me.

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Of course, while I was going through all this hell with my husband I did not want to be intimate.. but it was forced, I didn't have a choice.

Forced, meaning you were sexually assaulted by your Husband? That would shed an entirely different light on this whole thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Yeah, he did several times. But when he started changing, he is changing everything included that. But I still can't get over the hurt, pain.. I feel like I can't even trust him

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FlyingToaster

Your new posts definitely shed more light on your situation.

 

You BOTH need Individual Counseling and Marriage Counseling. There are some places that have a sliding scale, it would be in your best interest for you do look into that. Did the last counselor know about your rape and the forced sex with your husband? Very important issues to NOT leave out.

 

I can't stress enough how much you both need counseling. It's not just going to benefit you, but your children as well. You two are setting an example for them on relationships. No, they may not necessarily see the yelling or the forcing of sex, but they will feel the tension between you two and they most definitely won't see any love or displays of affection. I'm not trying to criticize, but I feel very strongly about how children are affected by their parents' discourse.

 

Please, for your children's mental and emotional health along with yours, get some help.

 

Take Care

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You BOTH need Individual Counseling and Marriage Counseling. There are some places that have a sliding scale, it would be in your best interest for you do look into that. Did the last counselor know about your rape and the forced sex with your husband? Very important issues to NOT leave out.

Agree and then some. Additionally, Social Services could get you some legal advice that could get you to a safe place. I hope you'll act...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Holy, moly!!! is about all I can say. Bless you, sweetie, for the horror you endured as a child, and for what you've endured recently. I am SO sorry. Waking up screaming and fighting is the result of someone who has truly been traumatized. I cannot imagine what kind of strength of character it must take to overcome something like that.

 

I'm glad to know that you are honoring your feelings by recognizing that you are hurt about this wound being opened again, and that you cannot and will not move past it until you are ready. I am very impressed at how much self-respect you're showing for yourself. It may seem like a small thing to you but I don't think it is. I think it's huge.

 

As for sex being forced on you by your husband - that's pretty inexcusable....and probably unforgiveable. You may not ever get past that and, if you can't, then you can't. You don't need to feel guilty if that's how you feel about it. He did something incredibly offensive to you. There's no law that says you have to get over it and take him back. You don't have to be angry or vindictive about it - which I don't think you are - but neither do you have to go back to him.

 

Whenever I have felt 'stuck' in certain situations in my life, it was ALWAYS because I was being persuaded - either by others or by my own thoughts - to do something that my instincts were shouting at me not to do. When I removed all the things from the equation that did not play into making the decision, an answer came to me much easier. I think when you stop worrying about what you think others expect of you, what your kids might think, what others will think, etc., things will become clear. Until you can get there, you're probably better off not making any decision at all. Things will become clear when you take the pressure off of yourself.

 

Please keep us posted as to how you're doing.

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