Passionate69 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Once they get what they want and get married to the woman they love. they stop saying I love you's, they stop saying I miss you's. they stop giving you roses in your birthday or anniversary etc. but when you asked them "do you still love me" ? and will gave you "yes i love you". what's up with that ? Link to post Share on other sites
Jennifer26 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Once they get what they want and get married to the woman they love. they stop saying I love you's, they stop saying I miss you's. they stop giving you roses in your birthday or anniversary etc. but when you asked them "do you still love me" ? and will gave you "yes i love you". what's up with that ?I think men can still love the women they marry, but crave sexual variety after years of being monogamous with the same woman. But that said, I don't think that has anything to do with why they stop being as thoughtful. I think women do this too, and it is just because we become complacent and take our spouse for granted. How many women go out of their way to be attractive in the beginning of a relationship, only to let themselves go once they're married. When we're in the courting stage often we'll wear sexy lingerie, watch what we eat, take care of our bodies, groom ourselves meticulously.. as we get comfortable we start sliding in some or all of these departments. It is the same for men. They're presenting you with their best in the beginning to try and lure you in, if you will. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I have given my wife roses before, do I do it every birthday and anniversary? NO, how boring and predictable is that? After being married awhile, love to my wife is little things such as helping out around the house. Sitting on the couch watching a movie together, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I see it similar to campaign promises made during an election season: When the wooing starts, all kinds of promises are made, and things done to sway your intended's favor. Once you've gotten what you wanted, you feel like you really don't need to do anymore work toward the relationship ... politicians don't necessarily have to follow thru on promises, and lovers don't have to work as hard to win over that person. frankly, I think it sucks, but you have to learn to pick your battles. Yeah, it hurts that my husband doesn't think he shouldn't have to bring me flowers because it's just stupid ... but come summer, he does a fantastic job of keeping my rose bushes alive AND surprising me with their blooms. you also need to let him know that while you understand that he's not comfortable doing what he considers "grand gestures" (flowers, candy, etc), you sure do appreciate those times he DOES think of you "just because," and that they mean more to you than he realizes Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Do you tell him you love him on a regular basis? Do you do things for him that speak of love? If so, how does he reciprocate? If his responses are unsatisfactory, have you addressed it with him, in a mature fashion? Link to post Share on other sites
theycallmeprincess Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 you also need to let him know that while you understand that he's not comfortable doing what he considers "grand gestures" (flowers, candy, etc), you sure do appreciate those times he DOES think of you "just because," and that they mean more to you than he realizes This is so true!!! You have to be willing to open your eyes and see the gestures of love that may be subtle but are just as sincere as the grand gestures in the beginning of the rel'ship. Sure the roses, and boxes of candy and jewelery and poetic gestures of romance slip by the wayside, but they are replaced by other meaningful gestures of love. At the beginning of every winter my husband makes sure that my car is in top shape so that I am safe driving in the bad weather. If I'm away when my fav shows are on TV, H will make sure they get recorded so I can watch them at another time, or when we are at the beach, he will scour for a shady spot, knowing how easily I burn when out in the sun. Are these things that make your heart and head swoon with romance? After many years of being married, YES, these are the exact things that show me how much he loves me. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 LOL, I was thinking of the car-warming thing and the foot rubs after my last post, too! we all have our ways of showing love that don't necessarily fall under the "accepted/approved" guidelines that hollywood or romance novels insist they should be, and we ought to respect that. Because those little things they do are from *their* hearts and not copied off some cheat-sheet to romance. so open up your eyes and count the ways your partner shows love. Even if it seems negligible at the time, know that his heart is behind his actions. like the ready supply of chocolate in my cupboard that I rarely have to supplement – it's DH's way of sharing the love. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Isn't there a book called "Languages of Love" that details the different ways different people express their love? Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Once they get what they want and get married to the woman they love. And it isn't that way for women? they stop saying I love you's, they stop saying I miss you's. Happens with women too. And nice generalizations here. Never once, until I found out she was a cheater, did I neglect to tell her I love her at least several times a weak. As far as "I miss you's"...uh...whats to miss if they are always around? Now when I went away on business trips, sure, then the I miss you's were there. But why say I miss you to someone you are never away from? they stop giving you roses in your birthday or anniversary etc. but when you asked them "do you still love me" ? and will gave you "yes i love you". what's up with that ? Whats up with that? I'd say you just were unfortunate enough to get a lousy man. Just like I wound up with a lousy woman. Thats wuddup. Link to post Share on other sites
angryyoungman70 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Hmmm....from my experience, it's the other way around. I can't remember the last time my W told me that she loved me, without me saying it first that is. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I see it similar to campaign promises made during an election season: When the wooing starts, all kinds of promises are made, and things done to sway your intended's favor. Once you've gotten what you wanted, you feel like you really don't need to do anymore work toward the relationship ... politicians don't necessarily have to follow thru on promises, and lovers don't have to work as hard to win over that person. I think that generally both sides "polish the apple" during courtship. Men tend to put their best emotional foot forward and women emphasize sexuality. Just as it is a rare woman that gets as many flowers after the vows are exchanged, I would think that many men would reply that they get less sexual favors also. Works both ways... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Keridan Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I think that generally both sides "polish the apple" during courtship. Men tend to put their best emotional foot forward and women emphasize sexuality. Just as it is a rare woman that gets as many flowers after the vows are exchanged, I would think that many men would reply that they get less sexual favors also. Works both ways... Mr. Lucky Less sexual favors??? You mean I'm still supposed to be getting some!? j/k I agree, it's part of relationships that things calm down. If it sucks that bad, let the guy know he needs to spark it up and make sure you do something in return Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I think that generally both sides "polish the apple" during courtship. Men tend to put their best emotional foot forward and women emphasize sexuality. Just as it is a rare woman that gets as many flowers after the vows are exchanged, I would think that many men would reply that they get less sexual favors also. Works both ways... Mr. Lucky This is a phrase I don't understand. Sex is not a favour between married couples. It should be an extension of their caring for each other. Having said that, perhaps if both parties had been themselves during the courting period, there wouldn't be such a let down, after marriage. Come as you mean to go, y'know? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 This is a phrase I don't understand. Sex is not a favour between married couples. It should be an extension of their caring for each other. Having said that, perhaps if both parties had been themselves during the courting period, there wouldn't be such a let down, after marriage. Come as you mean to go, y'know? Just using a phrase TBF, sorry if it left you wanting . Maybe I should have been brief and just said "they get less sex". The scary part of the honesty and openess you propose during the courtship is that there might not be ANY marriages. Once he sees her in curlers and face cream and she sees the skidmarks in his shorts, all bets might be off... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Hmmm....from my experience, it's the other way around. I can't remember the last time my W told me that she loved me, without me saying it first that is. Very true. Once a man falls in love he tends to stay there while a woman can turn on a man in a heartbeat. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Very true. Once a man falls in love he tends to stay there while a woman can turn on a man in a heartbeat. Tell that to all of the women on this forum whose husband are cheating/have cheated on them. Or tell this to the OW on this site that the men they think they are sleeping with aren't actually real. Like my God. What a ****ing stupid comment. Link to post Share on other sites
fral945 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Sex is not a favour between married couples. It should be an extension of their caring for each other. Having said that, perhaps if both parties had been themselves during the courting period, there wouldn't be such a let down, after marriage. Come as you mean to go, y'know? I don't disagree, but I think you view is more of an ideal fantasy than a reality. What someone should do is not always what they will do. I'd like everyone. As far as the courtship, I see that almost like a job. I have had much more luck with women hiding the bad and putting on a happy face. It works for jobs and it works for women. I've tried the honest approach, and that left me alone for many years (I also tried that job hunting, with about the same success). It's easier to keep a woman once you've got a foot in the door, so to speak. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Tell that to all of the women on this forum whose husband are cheating/have cheated on them. Or tell this to the OW on this site that the men they think they are sleeping with aren't actually real. Like my God. What a ****ing stupid comment. Look at all the loving husbands on this board who had their wives turn on them with no warning. This is an epidemic in this society. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Look at all the loving husbands on this board who had their wives turn on them with no warning. This is an epidemic in this society. Oh no, they don't exist because I don't want to believe it. I refuse to. All men are bastards and all women are innocent little girls. I could not possibly be so screwed in the head I don't know what on Earth I am actually talking about. Go and get a hobby for chrissake. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Just using a phrase TBF, sorry if it left you wanting . Maybe I should have been brief and just said "they get less sex". The scary part of the honesty and openess you propose during the courtship is that there might not be ANY marriages. Once he sees her in curlers and face cream and she sees the skidmarks in his shorts, all bets might be off... Mr. Lucky No worries. We now have large barreled curling irons v. curlers! I don't disagree, but I think you view is more of an ideal fantasy than a reality. What someone should do is not always what they will do. I'd like everyone. As far as the courtship, I see that almost like a job. I have had much more luck with women hiding the bad and putting on a happy face. It works for jobs and it works for women. I've tried the honest approach, and that left me alone for many years (I also tried that job hunting, with about the same success). It's easier to keep a woman once you've got a foot in the door, so to speak. I won't argue that there will always be some glossing over but some of the dating experiences I've had, have been like night and day personality changes. Guaranteed not to be keepers, regardless of my feelings for them. Nothing will keep me in a blatantly dysfunctional relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Passionate69 Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 Well..speaking of my husband I think He really still loves me but sometimes I can't feel it. I think this so called "honeymoon stages" is over. we been married for 4 1/2 years. sometimes I just missing those days. I did not mean he's not caring and loving anymore; he still caring and loving but in different ways. today he sent me a text massage asked me if i like to go with him to play golf miniature. in my side as a wife, I never change a thing since I've got married to him. i am the same woman like the first day he met. I'm not the type of person who always saying I love you's everyday but i prefer to do it in action and that is mean I always cook meal for him and give him a massage when i know he's tired from work. when it comes in the bedroom I absolutely don't have anymore. I only figured it out since the first month we got married. and that sucks ! we get along fine except in the bedroom. sorry for the rants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Passionate69 Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 P.s sorry for those men who are offended by my generalization. I believe not all men are like that. Link to post Share on other sites
fral945 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 I won't argue that there will always be some glossing over but some of the dating experiences I've had, have been like night and day personality changes. Guaranteed not to be keepers, regardless of my feelings for them. Nothing will keep me in a blatantly dysfunctional relationship. You're right, if it is night and day that is a problem. But I think if people were truly honest and open about everything, there would be many more failed relationships than there are even now. Honesty is not always the best policy. I try to be honest but at times I do withhold information or even make little white lies here and there, sometimes just to keep the peace. I only do it because I know it would not go over well with the woman. Words do mean a lot to a woman, and they will hold resentment and things against you based on what you say. If it was something that was a major difference or disagreement (i.e., "Do you want to get married?") I will tell the truth, even if it means the end of the relationship. But if it is minor (like "Do you like my hair/dress/etc.?") I don't see a problem with not telling the whole truth. Link to post Share on other sites
TCatherine Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 It's obviously not a gender thing.. there are lots of men and women who take their SO for granted. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 You're right, if it is night and day that is a problem. But I think if people were truly honest and open about everything, there would be many more failed relationships than there are even now. Honesty is not always the best policy. I try to be honest but at times I do withhold information or even make little white lies here and there, sometimes just to keep the peace. I only do it because I know it would not go over well with the woman. Words do mean a lot to a woman, and they will hold resentment and things against you based on what you say. If it was something that was a major difference or disagreement (i.e., "Do you want to get married?") I will tell the truth, even if it means the end of the relationship. But if it is minor (like "Do you like my hair/dress/etc.?") I don't see a problem with not telling the whole truth. The eternal male trap. Avoid at all costs! Link to post Share on other sites
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