Marriage Counselling: Part 1

[SnapCracklePop]

So last night was the first session. I was really nervous the whole day and felt sick to my stomach based on some past experience and even after having read some posts here about some less than favourable moments in MC sessions.

 

It started off pretty typical I assume. We each gave a bit of our take on the history around our relationship. MC asked us about how we met, what attracted us, our childhoods, our families... just enough to get a snapshot of the picture.

 

There were no revelations. I will say that this MC was better than the one I recall from the first time we had counselling. MC was easier to talk to I found. I was both surprised and saddened by the session though.

 

I was surprised because we each talked about the fights and arguments we have had over the years, and it got pretty stressful in the room. The emotions around the arguments still seemed so fresh and I thought those feelings were put behind us and done. I could tell that she was reliving things as well. We both felt that as we were describing the arguments that the issue being described seemed so silly and pointless.

 

I was saddened though because as far as the problems go, we only talked about the arguments, and not the other issues going on. Cause and effect, and the arguments were just the effect of an underlying cause, and that "cause" is the bigger issue. It needs to be identified and understood, and figure out why it is there in the first place.

 

When we got home, I was not really in a mood to talk and again felt sick. Probably because of the relived emotions, or perhaps the big task ahead is a bit overwhelming.

 

So after session 1, we sort of saw a consistent theme to our arguments and differences that drove us apart. I think the work now will be to understand why our relationship became a place where those things were allowed to develop, and that to me sounds like a larger and more difficult task.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think the work now will be to understand why our relationship became a place where those things were allowed to develop, and that to me sounds like a larger and more difficult task.

But a task you've at least started on. Counseling, whether IC or MC, is hard work. You've got to lift the rocks, reach underneath into the dark places and pull out some things that are hard to confront and admit about ourselves and the ones we love. You've been strong enough to start, stay strong enough to see it through. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TCatherine]

Wow, good for you for surviving it!! (LOL) I am sincerely happy to read about people who are willing to make the effort to save their marriage. I wish you lots of success, and look forward to updates!

[SnapCracklePop]

Sorry for a long delay in posting.

 

Part 2 was a lot of the same as part 1. The difference being that rather than letting the arguments follow through, we were stopped so that we could be helped to identify the trend in an argument.

 

That is a major paraphrase right there. The session was actually just as intense as the first one.

 

It seems with each new session you learn a little more about yourself and your SO. Sometimes the things you learn are good and sometimes not so good. But all of it does help to give you a better grasp as to why the fights and disconnect happened between the two partners in the first place.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that this counsellor is hands shoulders and feet above the last counsellor we visited many years ago. She is insightful, and listens. She is not taking sides, and she validates our reactions to the past situations.

[SnapCracklePop]

Actually, this should be parts 3a and 3b. We saw the counsellor individually for some private sessions. I am not sure what my wife talked about, but I did not really talk about arguments. We talked about families and how I grew up. How have I coped for so long when feeling the way I do, and exactly what am I feeling, which was surprisingly a hard question to answer. Talking about my family was hard due to some difficult times in the past, and reliving that was startlingly fresh.

 

It was only supposed to be a one hour session, and after 2h of talk, she finally said we had to stop. Thinking back, the session was such a blur, but over the next few days and discussing some things with my W, I am starting to be able to get a clearer picture of the deeper issues.

 

There are in fact a few separate problems but the biggie that is in my mind the show stopper is this undeniable feeling of lonliness/unloved in the marriage. This is the same problem we were in the last time we had counselling.

 

So this past week, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about things she has said and things I have said. Let me ask fellow LS visitors this question:

 

Communication is such a key factor in a successful marriage, but does this also include telling someone how to love you? Maybe I am not wording this correctly... but this is something I am struggling with in my head right now. Showing your love should be as natural as breathing once you find the right person... but if they need to be told what to do so you feel loved, do those actions then become insincere and do not convey genuine affections?

 

A perfect example would be W says to H "You never say you love me anymore." H replies "I love you." Well... does he really mean it, or did he say it only because she prompted for it? Unsolicited affections have much more meaning for the recipient.

 

Secondly, lets suppose someone really did not know how to express their love to their SO - how easy is it to fix that? To me, this question just seems so bogus because I literally don't understand how such a thing can not be inherent to an individual.

 

Anyhow, that is just one of the things running through my head this past few days. I have a much larger talk coming I suspect as we push forward to our next session. I am tempted to spill my whole collection of thoughts to my W before the next session, but I am holding back right now because the result is going to seem like a lot of blame being put in her lap (wheras she seems to be putting a lot of blame on me right now and seems to have given me a time window for me to fix my problem before we need to make some decisive actions on the marriage). I know I am part of the problem. I'd be foolish to say otherwise. As I am mulling over things said and the feelings we have disclosed to each other, I feel it is like I am solving a jigsaw puzzle. I am just hoping that I am actually solving the puzzle and not angrily forcing the pieces to make them fit together and coming to the wrong conclusions.