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How do I get him to spend more time with me?


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Old 7th April 2008, 11:36 AM   #1
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How do I get him to spend more time with me?

I'm not sure where to post this because we are not married but more than dating. Been with my guy for about 6 yrs and we live togther for about the last five. I posted before about feeling neglected as he works two jobs. And the time we DO spend together just isn't quality time (he watches tv sitting beside me) Yesterday was his birthday and I was trying to be nice (I'm a people pleaser-bad thing to be) and I went all out, thinking that if I just show him how much I appreciate him and what a great girlfriend I can be, he will wake up and want to spend more time with me or appreciate me more. I bought him a present and card,took him out to dinner and a movie, we stopped at his favorite tool store and browsed awhile, and I took him out for ice cream and bought him an icecream cake on top of that. We also had sex twice yesterday (rare ocurrance as we hardly see eachother so its more like twice a week, not twice a day).

I tried to act all happy and sweet toward him but I was resentful and sad all day long. Hid it from him pretty well though. When we came out of the movies he wasn't paying attention to where he was walking and smacked right into me! I am several inches shorter than him so his arm/shoulder hit my right in the face and it hurt! Earlier I asked him what movie he wanted to see and he yelled at me "why do you always make things so hard on me!" as if choosing a movie that HE would enjoy was me just expecting too much effort on his part. He did say thanks at the end of the night but several times I made mention of how nice it was to spend time together and he ignored me and when we had sex twice (he wanted to do it a third time last night but I declined as it sucked for me the first two times) he mentioned how we normally might only do it twice a week and I said well thats what happens when we don't have much time to see eachother. He said no, its not that its just called old age.

Anytime I bring up that I'd like to see him more often, he makes all these empty promises and never follows through or he will spend more time with me for a week then back to his old ways. We live together but only see eachotehr one entire day a week and the rest of the week , we might see eachother for an hour a day. And there is literally NOTHING I can do to adjust my schedule to change that. Even if I quit my job all together (which I would never do) I'd only see him an extra hour each day (between his two jobs). I love him very much (and I think he feels simliar to me as he's always saying he loves me and wanted to get married later this year although he hasn't talked about that in awhile.) and I wish I could make this work but I'm out of ideas. I'm beginning to feel so disconnected from him that i don't even want to be around him.

How do I make him understand that we need to spend more time together? That he is losing me?
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Old 7th April 2008, 12:09 PM   #2
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Take my response with a grain of salt because I am feeling a little bitter myself. My marriage is feeling lonely just like you are feeling. The bottom line is that it does take two people to make a relationship work. You can expect to get anything back if you don't invest in it - that applies to both. You are holding up your end and its time he does the same.

But if he is not willing to, sometimes the best lesson is a hard lesson. Maybe start doing things for yourself. It might make you feel better and make him notice you are not there to dote on him. You know that little analogy about attraction "one pursues, the other pulls away... then the first one pulls away, and the other then pursues..." That might be what you have. You might want to focus on yourself and spend some time to yourself. If he just lets you go and does nothing - you are better off getting out now that continuing, maybe getting married and enjoying a lifetime of what you have now.

Personally, IF I were to follow that advice - I would mention a few not so hidden clues about your intention. Say that you need more "couple time"... say that you have to invest in a relationship to make it work... then say you are going to do more things on your own if he is not going to spend time with you.

Last edited by SnapCracklePop; 7th April 2008 at 12:09 PM.. Reason: typos
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Old 7th April 2008, 12:19 PM   #3
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He is working two jobs...Why? Is it to make your life together better? If so, then he is providing..

All I can say is, be honest with him. Lay it all out on the line and see what he says. If you are miserable because he isn't spending enough time with you, or treating you the way you think, tell him.

He can't entertain you 24/7. You need your own life, friends and hobbies to keep you happy as well, so if you are putting ALL your happiness on him, that's an unfair expectation.

Are you working? Or going to school fulltime?
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Old 7th April 2008, 12:41 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
He is working two jobs...Why? Is it to make your life together better? If so, then he is providing..

All I can say is, be honest with him. Lay it all out on the line and see what he says. If you are miserable because he isn't spending enough time with you, or treating you the way you think, tell him.

He can't entertain you 24/7. You need your own life, friends and hobbies to keep you happy as well, so if you are putting ALL your happiness on him, that's an unfair expectation.

Are you working? Or going to school fulltime?

I work 40 hours a week (make more $ than he does) and volunteer at a pet rescue. He works two jobs because he WANTS to. Yes, the extra money is ok (he only makes mininum wage at his part time job) but its not necessary and its not like he puts the money toward vacations or things for "us". I definately don't expect him to entertain me 24/7. Not even close! Here is a break down of when I see him (and we live together remember)- Monday-friday 1/2 to 1 hour per day and saturday (normally all day) Sunday 2 hours a day. This is not the hours of QUALITY time this is just the amount of time we are in eachother's presence. He goes to work before I get up in the morning, and gets home about an hour before I go to bed (and I've adjusted the time I go to bed by an hour and I pay for it the next day because I'm tired!) I don't expect to be entertained or whatever but I do expect a partner to spend more than a few hours a week with me (unless its a LDR)
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Old 7th April 2008, 12:45 PM   #5
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Have you told him exactly what you wrote here? That you expect to see him more than afew hours a week?

Also, stick to one thread, I see you've started another thread saying you're going to break up with him.
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Old 7th April 2008, 1:17 PM   #6
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Work can be a mistress or attachment too. My opinion is, as WWIU suggested, spell it out as written here and consider a lifestyle adjustment to reduce the requirements for work. Remember, everything in life is a choice
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Old 7th April 2008, 7:36 PM   #7
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Six years of pretend marriage is not good. Do you work or stay at home? Are there any kids involved? Have you tried to ask why he works two jobs? Are you always the one to seek to please him?

To be honest, I would prefer to do without, than spend too much time away from my partner. I would not be in a six year pretend marriage (not to say marriage should or should not be on your mind). If my spouse has two work two jobs, I'd have some kind of income based on my own working coming. Even as a stay at home person, there are many things one could get into. Try making bead jewelry, knick knacks, and other arts and craft items and sell them. If you have kids, work them into your money time while keep and eye on them (if they are not old enough to go to school or daycare). Find out why is he wanting to work two jobs and find out if their is a way to change your financial life. Lastly, it is better to tease sometimes than to just give a person what they want. Make him want to want you. When he puts the move, take it back, make him work for the privilege of being with you.

If these things fail and you both are willing to do counseling, do it. If not, maybe it is time to call this relationship a dud. Dragging out your pain is for the chance he may come around may not be the wisest thing. And don't start bringing up marriage at this stage, you will probably make him retreat more or totally run.

I wish you well in what you decide to do.


DNR
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Old 7th April 2008, 7:57 PM   #8
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What is your definition of "quality time" ?
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