Near sexless marriage... ?

[wildone]

My husband and I have been together for 7 year, married for 2. Ever since we moved in together 5 years ago, our sex life has been on a decline... less and less and less frequent.

 

Now, I will admit I have a high sex drive and like adventure - I had much more experience than he did when we got together. But, our sex has always been good when we do have it. I always orgasm and genuinely have fun.

 

The problem is, for the last 3-4 years, I am ALWAYS the one who initiates. And it is just getting to me. I feel undesirable and unwanted. And I am just plain tired of always initiating and tired of him not wanting me.

 

I don't understand it. I have asked him about it and he doesn't have any answers as to why he doesn't desire me. He doesn't want to go to counseling, even though I have asked.

 

Nearly everything else about our relationship is great. We have fun together and almost never fight.

 

For the past 3 years, he has been traveling 3-4 days each week (he's a consultant). You would think he would want me after not seeing me for a few days! But no, we go weeks and sometimes months without sex.

 

The funny thing is, a lot of my friends have confided in me that they have the same problem, although in reverse. Their husbands want sex, they are content not to have it.

 

I don't know what to do or what is wrong with him/us? Any insight or help would be greatly appreciated.

[Passionate69]

My husband and I have been together for 7 year, married for 2. Ever since we moved in together 5 years ago, our sex life has been on a decline... less and less and less frequent.

 

Now, I will admit I have a high sex drive and like adventure - I had much more experience than he did when we got together. But, our sex has always been good when we do have it. I always orgasm and genuinely have fun.

 

The problem is, for the last 3-4 years, I am ALWAYS the one who initiates. And it is just getting to me. I feel undesirable and unwanted. And I am just plain tired of always initiating and tired of him not wanting me.

 

I don't understand it. I have asked him about it and he doesn't have any answers as to why he doesn't desire me. He doesn't want to go to counseling, even though I have asked.

 

Nearly everything else about our relationship is great. We have fun together and almost never fight.

 

For the past 3 years, he has been traveling 3-4 days each week (he's a consultant). You would think he would want me after not seeing me for a few days! But no, we go weeks and sometimes months without sex.

 

The funny thing is, a lot of my friends have confided in me that they have the same problem, although in reverse. Their husbands want sex, they are content not to have it.

 

I don't know what to do or what is wrong with him/us? Any insight or help would be greatly appreciated.

 

Im not trying to make you feel bad but i suspect your husband is getting sex in someone else while he is travelling. you never know. im not trying to accused your husband as a cheater.

 

i knew lots of married men who is travelling {business man} and cheat thier wive's while away from home. sad but true. men are men and most of them can't help to stick thier dick inside their pants.:eek:

if he is not attracted to you anymore try to examine your self. do you need to fix yourself ? like losing weight and eat healthy food.

[wildone]

I'd like to think he would never do that, but I am realistic enough to know that anyone is capable of anything.

 

The only thing that doesn't quite fit is that our sex life was on the decline for 2 years before he started this new job. And, he doesn't travel to the same place all the time...

 

I also don't see the signs of cheating that one normally thinks of (secret texts, phone calls, etc).

 

I really hope that is not the case!

[Mr. Lucky]

The funny thing is, a lot of my friends have confided in me that they have the same problem, although in reverse. Their husbands want sex, they are content not to have it.

Maybe you could get together with one (or more ) of their husbands? Just kidding...

 

You obviously know something is wrong. You don't give your age but, together only 7 years, probably safe to assume you're fairly young. Were it I, I'd simply make an appointment for MC and tell your H he's going with you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Passionate69]

i

wildone;1435919]I'd like to think he would never do that, but I am realistic enough to know that anyone is capable of anything.

 

The only thing that doesn't quite fit is that our sex life was on the decline for 2 years before he started this new job. And, he doesn't travel to the same place all the time...

 

I also don't see the signs of cheating that one normally thinks of (secret texts, phone calls, etc).

 

 

There are two different type of cheating " one night stand" and "long term"

 

if you didn't see any sign then he must be a very good on hiding about it.if not, you will discover it later on if you are wise enought.

 

seriously, i hope your H never does something.

[Mittens]

I am in the exact same position, wildone...

 

Been married 6 years, with the husband for nearly 13 years in total. I was his first 'serious' girlfriend.

 

For the past 5 years or so, our sex life has dwindled to barely nothing...I think we have had sex about 4/5 times this year. Sex has never been of great importance to my husband...except at the beginning of our relationship. Some would say that I was mad to marry him knowing this, but I never envisaged that things would deteriorate to this extent. We even now have seperate beds (his idea, I am a bad sleeper...2 double beds next to each other)

 

He is not bothered by the situation...I've had comments like 'sex is overrated' and 'I'm 38, sex is for the young'...I have made it more than crystal clear to him that I am not happy with the situation, that he was being unfair, that we are both still young, that he is 38 not 68 etc...all to no avail. Not only do we never have sex, but we rarely kiss or cuddle...like yourself, I got sick of being rejected, and my self confidence suffered.

 

At the beginning of last year I told him that if things didn't improve, I would find someone who did want me...which is what happened last September. I had an affair for 6 months, fell madly in love with the other man...but he was unable to cope with the situation and we split. My husband knows about the affair. There is no way he would go to marriage counseling, he still feels that there is nothing wrong with our marriage, or with the lack of sex. He blames the affair (not that he ever really has spoken to me about it) on the fact that I was diagnosed with cancer last November (forgetting that it had started 2 months previous to my diagnosis).

 

No doubt I will get flamed for having an affair, but I just wanted you to be aware of what could happen if your situation continues...I used to be someone who used to say 'I would never cheat'...

 

At the moment I am still recovering from my illness...I don't feel able to make life changing decisions. I don't know what is going to happen, but I never thought I would be in this mess.

 

I hope it works out better for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I

No doubt I will get flamed for having an affair, but I just wanted you to be aware of what could happen if your situation continues...I used to be someone who used to say 'I would never cheat'...

Mittens:

 

No flaming, but if you felt alienated enough to start an affair, why not, at that point, leave your marriage and be truly free to find something better ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Passionate69]

Mittens:

 

No flaming, but if you felt alienated enough to start an affair, why not, at that point, leave your marriage and be truly free to find something better ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I guess she rather stay with unhappy marriage than to start a new one !?

some people are afraid of change !?

[michaelk]

My husband and I have been together for 7 year, married for 2. Ever since we moved in together 5 years ago, our sex life has been on a decline... less and less and less frequent.

 

...

 

I had a similar experience to yours. Over time, my wife became less and less interested in sex, and was never the initiator. I think this is quite common for women. In her case, the problem was that she wasn't really enjoying herself. She always reassured me that she did, but now I know better.

 

We've since fixed the problem through counseling and opening up to each other. It turns out she was so worried about how I viewed her that she couldn't relax enough to really get into it. Now she goes with it, and doesn't worry about whether she's making noise or funny faces or whatever.

 

The point is: only your husband knows his reasons for not being into sex. You can't solve this problem without his participation. Maybe you need to clearly state to him just how big a problem this is. If he understands that this is affecting the overall quality of your marriage, he might consider going to counseling.

[polywog]

I've been on both sides of that fence, but don't know if I have any advice. But I do have some insight, maybe.

 

My exH and I were wild for each other. Then he became controlling and jealous, and my desire waned. For that, and other reasons too long to get into here, I stopped wanting him. And he was pissed, understandably.

 

It turns out in hindsight that I was pissed off at him, big time. But I would not admit it to him or myself.

 

I felt awful about it. And it's not as if I wasn't horny... I became an expert at pleasing myself... several times a day. When we split, I found a really f***ed up guy that turned me on and we had the wildest sex ever. Then it ended... it was a rebound, and he was emotionally unavailable. I'm sad to say that this was probably the big turn-on about him.

 

Over the years I've managed to get to know myself and achieve some balance (I think!). But it's all just a weird thing, desire and all that.

 

I'm not sure what I'm telling you. Maybe that intimacy is a strange, complicated dance. That we want it, but we don't at the same time. We often just don't want to be honest with each other, and it derails our sex life.

 

Geez, this probably was not helpful... sorry!

[michaelk]

Over the years I've managed to get to know myself and achieve some balance (I think!). But it's all just a weird thing, desire and all that.

 

I'm not sure what I'm telling you. Maybe that intimacy is a strange, complicated dance. That we want it, but we don't at the same time. We often just don't want to be honest with each other, and it derails our sex life.

 

Geez, this probably was not helpful... sorry!

 

 

Then why did you post it? (Just kidding!)

 

Seriously, you've made a really important point here. Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are linked. If you're not talking and honestly dealing with your relationship issues, then the resulting feelings will interfere with your sexual desire. I've experienced this, to be sure.

[polywog]

Then why did you post it? (Just kidding!)

 

Seriously, you've made a really important point here. Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are linked. If you're not talking and honestly dealing with your relationship issues, then the resulting feelings will interfere with your sexual desire. I've experienced this, to be sure.

 

I posted it to get attention!

 

But seriously, what you said is true, but dang, it's elusive and hard (no pun intended... well, maybe a little) to merge emotional intimacy, desire, and our own quirks of personality and hormones into the stew of love&sex.

 

One big problem is that the sexually rejected person (even of it's just temporary) gets all vulnerable and needy and bent out of shape and it puts the neglector (person who is taking a break from sexual intimacy for whatever reason) in the position of being the villain. And vice-versa (pun intended).

 

It's as if this sexual realm is a relationship deal-breaker, and maybe it should not be all the time. On the other hand, it needs to be heeded as a barometer of a relationship sometimes (Sometimes... not always).

 

The catch to all this is trying to figure out when/how/if. Not easy! Maybe it's all about communication and patience... so friggin' hard! But a necessary risk. Now if I can follow my own advice.... sigh:o.

[Mittens]

Mittens:

 

No flaming, but if you felt alienated enough to start an affair, why not, at that point, leave your marriage and be truly free to find something better ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Purely due to practical things like: Being treated for a serious illness, no job, no money, no family in this country that I could stay with, not being able to stay with friends...

 

No doubt I will get told that these are just 'excuses' but having been homeless for two weeks after leaving my first husband, it's not something that I am willing to go through again in a hurry.

 

And before I get accused of 'using' my husband, I supported him for 5 years while he was advancing in his career.

[Passionate69]

Hmmm, Im beggining to wonder if being stay with unhappy marriage life it's makes the person front to illness !?

 

I guess it is not good for the health of the person being unhappy with thier life and stuck with it. it might be develop a heart failure,cancer,brain tumor and probably possible getting old fast etc.very scary huh!..

[Virgo1982]

Hmmm, Im beggining to wonder if being stay with unhappy marriage life it's makes the person front to illness !?

 

I guess it is not good for the health of the person being unhappy with thier life and stuck with it. it might be develop a heart failure,cancer,brain tumor and probably possible getting old fast etc.very scary huh!..

 

Yeah, according John Gottman, who did a study on marriages (the one that showed contempt was the biggest indicator of divorce) people in unhappy marriages are more likely to catch colds. The stress impairs the immune system. However, the same could be said about any relationship, job, etc. that an individual is not happy with.