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Wife Does not want to have sex anymore...


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We have been married for 4 years and we are both 26 years old. In the beginning of our second year, I have noticed that our sex life has dwindled to pretty much nothing at all. I asked her about this and she says she doesn't feel to be in the mood for sex anymore. She admits to me that in her past relationships, she had been more sexually aggressive than with me. We don't have any troubles in our marriage. We get along like best friends who are husband and wife. I have always treated her with dignity and respect since the first day I met her. Since we have gotten married, I try not to let the married life get "boring." I take her out on dates, give her surprises when she least suspects it, I give her time to herself on a weekly basis. I always let her know how I feel about in terms of my attraction towards her, so it's not that she doesn't feel wanted. She tells me that she still finds me extremely attractive. She is in shape and works out, so it's not a self-esteem or attraction issue. She is perfectly healthy and goes to all her check-ups , so I don't think it's a medical issue.

 

Everything about our relationship is fine except for the sex. I never force her and I don't want her to feel pressured to have sex with me. The last couple times that we have had sex, I could feel that she was forcing herself to do it just because of me. When we talk about it she tells me that she feels bad she doesn't want to have sex, and tells me that it's okay if I have sex with other women. I do not want to have sex with anyone but her and I will not do it even with her permission and I have told her this. Wanting to work things out, I proposed that we won't have sex unless she truly wants to because it is the intimacy that I want out of sex with her that I can't find with anyone else. She agrees to this idea. It has been almost 8 months since we have had sex. I love her more than anything so I will not leave her. But thinking that we are only 26 years old and our sex life is already like this, it's disheartening.

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If this is true:

It has been almost 8 months since we have had sex.

Then this can't be true:

We don't have any troubles in our marriage. We get along like best friends who are husband and wife.

The first step to fixing any marital problem is having both parties recognize that it exists. Neither one of you are there yet...

 

Mr. Lucky

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If this is true:

 

Then this can't be true:

 

The first step to fixing any marital problem is having both parties recognize that it exists. Neither one of you are there yet...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

"Everything about our relationship is fine except for the sex." - First sentence in the second paragraph

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LucreziaBorgia

Anything else unexplained going on? This in and of itself may not point to it, but if there were other red flags I'd say she is having an affair.

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I don't think she is having an affair because she doesn't have the time to. I drive her to work and I pick her up as well everyday because we only have one car. She's one of the few people I know who still doesn't use a cell phone. I know all of her co-workers and I know that she doesn't have an attraction to any of them (she might find them annoying if anything). No other red flags that I can think of.

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Nope, no medication.

 

 

I really don't know what to tell you. Maybe there is some kind of issue going on with her that she is not telling you. Communication is the key, so hopefully you can get her to open up and tell you what may or may not be going on with her.

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LucreziaBorgia

Well, understand that there is a percentage of women out there who do not like, need or want sex in their relationships and there is nothing medically or mentally/emotionally wrong with them. They just don't have the same chemical makeup in the brain that other people do that have higher libidos. Perhaps she is one of those 'bait and switch' women who come on strong until the deal is sealed and then settle into what is normal for them: ie, little or no sex. I would hate to think that your wife is this way, but there are women (and some men) out there who are like this. Plenty of them.

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"Everything about our relationship is fine except for the sex." - First sentence in the second paragraph

You can reiterate the statement, but that still doesn't make it true. If you haven't had sex in 8 months, here is a partial list of the things that aren't "fine":

 

Communication, intimacy, consideration, caring, expression, empathy, concern, regard, esteem, appreciation, compassion, rapport, reponsiveness, relevance, solicitude, etc., etc., etc...

 

Doesn't make you bad people, Just makes you in a bad situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

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You might consider her past. Perhaps there was some for of sexual trauma, either to her, between her parents, etc... that is now surfacing for some reason. You might suggest she get counseling.

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and tells me that it's okay if I have sex with other women. I do not want to have sex with anyone but her and I will not do it even with her permission and I have told her this. Wanting to work things out, I proposed that we won't have sex unless she truly wants to because it is the intimacy that I want out of sex with her that I can't find with anyone else. She agrees to this idea. It has been almost 8 months since we have had sex. I love her more than anything so I will not leave her. But thinking that we are only 26 years old and our sex life is already like this, it's disheartening.

 

Do not go have sex with another woman, even if she is giving you permission to do so. Honestly, something is really wrong with that - Makes me wonder if she is eyeing some guy SHE wants to have sex with to make her feel sexual again.

 

The bottomline is, somehow you two NEED to capture that lust and passion again. Whether you two watch porn together, do role playing in bed, you gotta spice it up and make it HOT.

 

The issue isn't love, she does love you, but without that intimacy, sexual bond between you two, it will ruin your marriage down the road. In 10-15 years could you imagine your wife not wanting to have sex with you? This is a reason why people end up in affairs.

 

How is fooling around and intimate touching without actual penetration? Is she all for that?

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Oh boy another thread for sexless ! why the hell there are a lot of sexless marriage on earth !:rolleyes:

 

why can't both people have the same high sexual drive ? so both of you have a happy and peaceful marriage.:rolleyes:

 

 

life is so freaking complicated....:D

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Chrome Barracuda

Dude 26, and no sex?

 

I'd kill myself before that happens.

 

Alot of times that is called a bait and switch. She gave you sex upfront, Now that you wifed her, she can sit back and think she owns you and your not going anywhere.

 

Dude it's time to give her a reality check but still treat her with love.

 

Tell her she got a year or you will leave. You will do everything right. I mean clean the dishes, throw out the garbage. Workout hard at the gym, take care of the bills, romance her, wine, roses, chocolate, black silk sheets and Coochie eating with chocolate sauce.

 

You go all out for that entire year and make all the changes neccessary. If she doesnt or will not be romantic in any form or go to counciling or change for the better, then you leave!

 

Why stay with a person that doesnt show you any love back especially so early in the marriage, that right there screams a HUGE red flag!

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I love her more than anything so I will not leave her. But thinking that we are only 26 years old and our sex life is already like this, it's disheartening.

Hell ! we both in the same shoe.4 yrs in marriage too and sexless.

Don't worry i am here available anytime if we like too !?

 

if they can't fill in, we can. wanna try ?.;):)

 

i am beautiful and sexy and im into fitness too. i am 25 yrs old.

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The last couple times that we have had sex, I could feel that she was forcing herself to do it just because of me. When we talk about it she tells me that she feels bad she doesn't want to have sex, and tells me that it's okay if I have sex with other women. I do not want to have sex with anyone but her and I will not do it even with her permission and I have told her this. Wanting to work things out, I proposed that we won't have sex unless she truly wants to because it is the intimacy that I want out of sex with her that I can't find with anyone else. She agrees to this idea. It has been almost 8 months since we have had sex. I love her more than anything so I will not leave her. But thinking that we are only 26 years old and our sex life is already like this, it's disheartening.

 

Telling you its ok to have sex with someone else I find mighty odd. Thinking about it, it makes you wonder if she really thought that comment through properly or if she fancies someone herself.

 

I think you need to sit down and talk this through with her again and impress on her how serious this is. Tell her how hurt you are over her suggestion about you having sex with someone else and ask her how she would feel if you went ahead and did it. You need to ask her too if you are doing anything wrong, are there things that she would like you to do but aren't......get the lines of communication opening.

 

I hope you can get to the bottom of this as at 26 yrs old thats awfully young to be going without sex.

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I know I felt the same sometimes with my H for a while. It had nothing to do with him, it was me. I had intimacy problems that came from early on and I did not know what was wrong.....maybe she needs to talk to someone. I will be damned if I would EVER tell my H it is ok for him to have sex with someone else, that is weird.

 

I know my brother is like that with his W....he said he does not care if she is sleeping with someone as long as she is careful and does not fall in love....whatever......he is just not attracted to her, loves her....but does not feel that way about her, but he does other women. This is called ROOM MATES for the children, they are no longer in love! BUT, they do get along and they do not fight....odd !

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She needs to have a full medical checkup to make sure she's not having hormonal or thyroid issues first. She also really needs to talk to her gyn.

They have a few drugs I think they can use in situations like this.

 

Does she orgasm when you two have sex?? I personally cannot believe someone who is having regular orgasms would be turned off by sex!!!

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I'm sorry but since she has told you to have sex with other women that would be a huge red flag for me. Almost like maybe she is telling you that because she feels bad for something she has done, other than lack of sex with you. I'm not saying it is, but really odd to me. It could be a number of things though. I agree about her needing a full medical check up, to rule out anything.

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When we talk about it she tells me that she feels bad she doesn't want to have sex, and tells me that it's okay if I have sex with other women.

 

I agree with Pandora. This is not normal in any way!

 

This tells me there is something major going on that you need to dig deep to figure out. Some triggers may be guilt, or hidden low self-esteem.

 

What were her past relationships like? Any abuse? Is she still in contact with any of them?

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She needs to have a full medical checkup to make sure she's not having hormonal or thyroid issues first. She also really needs to talk to her gyn.

They have a few drugs I think they can use in situations like this.

 

Does she orgasm when you two have sex?? I personally cannot believe someone who is having regular orgasms would be turned off by sex!!!

 

 

I agree with this. I actually have a co-worker who is 56 years old and hates sex. After talking to her.......she has never had an orgasm during sex. I would prolly hate doing it to if I never finished.....

 

She needs to have a full hormonal checkup, this is not something doctors do automatically. She will have to ask to have this done.

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Her telling you to have sex with another woman, I can think of two things:

 

1) She's had an affair and is ashamed to have sex with you and thinks if you have sex with another woman, you both are now 'even'.

 

2) She misses the 'challenge'. Women LOVE a good challenge. Since she has married you and you treat her like a princess then what challenge is there? Bring another woman into the mix and bingo! Her challenge that she craves is there.

 

Unless you get this problem fixed, the both of you will drift apart. It's been 3 months for me and I already feel it quite a bit.

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Unless you get this problem fixed, the both of you will drift apart. It's been 3 months for me and I already feel it quite a bit.

Wow, that's a long stretch. Why :confused: ?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Well, understand that there is a percentage of women out there who do not like, need or want sex in their relationships and there is nothing medically or mentally/emotionally wrong with them.

 

I fully agree. I am one of these women and even though I do not mind having sex, in order to show love to the person that I am with - I don't need or want sex for myself. It can be nice, but I am fine with just cuddles.

 

If your wife is a lot like me, perhaps she felt like unless she had sex with you in the beginning, you wouldn't be with her? I'd not call it "bait and trap" - I'd call it "white lies". If it was a temporary reason, she'd been having sex with you by now. I think you should sit down and tell her that sex is really important for you to feel loved by her. Ask her if there is anything that is lacking, ie orgasms, or if she has always felt like sex isn't really something she fancies doing on a regular basis?

 

If she doesn't fancy sex in particular, perhaps petting, cuddling or oral would be something she might consider? Perhaps buy a sex toy and tell her that you just want to try it out, and see where it all takes you? You simply need to find something that makes her want to have sex with you again.

 

Regarding the comment about you going off having sex with someone else...I agree that either it wasn't fully thought through by her, or she might be trying to give you some hints about something you'd rather not find out about.

 

Either way, best of luck. :love:

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