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Husband not interested in sex but watches porn all the time


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Old 19th November 2007, 2:51 PM   #1
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Husband not interested in sex but watches porn all the time

I have been with my husband for 10 years and his sex drive has been decreasing since a few years ago. Now, we are doing it like once in a few months time. Even when we do have sex, he couldn't seem to ejaculate 90% of the time. He said he was just tired but I'm really not sure, why does he feel tired so often? It's really depressing, we're not even thirty years old yet.

To make things worse, he doesn't want to have sex but he watches porn all the time. He doesn't know that I know and he has refused to admit everytime I try to ask.

I just don't get it. He loves porn so that means he does have sex drive. Then why doesn't he want to have sex with me? Does that mean that he's no longer attracted to me? I believe he truly loves me but at the rate things are going, I'm just not sure when he will "graduate" from porn into more serious stuffs like phone sex or even a real affair.

Somehow, I get the feeling that porn is destroying our sex live. Cause porn is always so new and exciting, as compared to having sex with the same old me. HELP!!! What should I do now???
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Old 19th November 2007, 3:32 PM   #2
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I'm not so sure that porn is the cause, but rather, a symptom. This has the tone of someone that isn't physically attracted to you. I'm not saying this to be mean, but if when you do have sex he doesn't finish...hmmm. That's very likely an attraction issue. Are you much different now that when you married?
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Old 19th November 2007, 4:21 PM   #3
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Maybe he has watched so much porn he has become desenitized to having sex with a real human person. Maybe that is no longer good enough for him, and has lost touch with what a real loving intimate realtionship is supposed to be about?
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Old 19th November 2007, 4:29 PM   #4
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How about a compromise?

Tell him he can watch porn while you have sex. I bet he goes for it. I know I would, and I did, with my stbxw.

I used to do whatever the actors were doing. Its exciting, and good exercise! Be prepared for a lot of position changes.
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Old 19th November 2007, 4:49 PM   #5
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How about a compromise?

Tell him he can watch porn while you have sex. I bet he goes for it. I know I would, and I did, with my stbxw.

I used to do whatever the actors were doing. Its exciting, and good exercise! Be prepared for a lot of position changes.

So that's how your tooth got knocked out.
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Old 19th November 2007, 5:19 PM   #6
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So that's how your tooth got knocked out.
Yes, they went from 69 to doggie style on the TV, I was rushing to catch up, tripped over the dog and smashed into my wife's fist by mistake.
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Old 19th November 2007, 5:29 PM   #7
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It's probably ED. JackJack is right when he says that desensitization can be causal. Although, he needs a medical work-up to be on the safe side.
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Old 19th November 2007, 5:32 PM   #8
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Tell him he can watch porn while you have sex. I bet he goes for it. I know I would, and I did, with my stbxw.
Wiser.. Your divorcing your STBXW.. so it must've not been that great of an idea

magzye,
The porn is a symptom of an under lying issue..
I think you need to discuss this thing first out in the open and if it doesn't help and you still want to work it out then you both need to be in some marriage counseling.

You need to find out why he does what he does.. since there could be a thousand reasons.
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Old 19th November 2007, 6:02 PM   #9
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Wiser.. Your divorcing your STBXW.. so it must've not been that great of an idea
You're making a dangerous assumption. That because I'm getting divorced, anything I say that I did with my stbxw should be discounted because the marriage crashed and burned.

In fact, the sex was the best part, right until the end.
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Old 19th November 2007, 6:09 PM   #10
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You're making a dangerous assumption. That because I'm getting divorced, anything I say that I did with my stbxw should be discounted because the marriage crashed and burned.

In fact, the sex was the best part, right until the end.
I'm not making any assumptions that aren't very visible.. they are there for me to see..

Did you ever think that things might have turned out differently if you had realized your watching porn might have been a symptom of another issue and that by fixing the underlying issue things would've changed ?
I mean by putting the bandaid of having her watch the porn with you just helped cover the issue up instead of bringing it out in the open..

Okay.. that was an assumption .. but a good one...

Last edited by Art_Critic; 19th November 2007 at 6:12 PM.. Reason: spelling
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Old 19th November 2007, 6:14 PM   #11
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I'm not making any assumptions that aren't very visible.. they are there for me to see..

Did you ever think that things might have turned out differently if you had realized your watching porn might have been a symptom of another issue and that by fixing the underlying issue things would've changed
The problems in our marriage were not related to sex. If the sex life was bad, and watching porn was the only way to fix it then you might be right. We watched porn (on occasion), to spice it up a bit. I would think there are many happily married couples that indulge in pornography. I don't think it's a symptom of a problem with the marriage if the sex life is good.
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Old 19th November 2007, 6:18 PM   #12
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Krytie... it's ok, I won't be offended. It could be an attraction issue. I mean, I don't feel that he's sexually attracted to me but I could tell he really love me fore sure. Having said that, we used to be going at it like rabbits when we were first going out and no, I haven't changed much. Older, yes, but not changed much.

I really dunno whether he's desensitized or it's ED. To tell him that I know that he has been watching porn would mean that he'll know that I've been snooping around. That will be disastrous, he will just be more careful next time. I just don't think that he'll give up porn just because I ask.

If it's ED, does it mean that he should be having problem finishing it even if he's just going off by watching porn? When we have sex and he couldn't finish it, sometimes he could ejaculate by jacking off. I used to think that it was a stamina problem but it sure sound like desensitizaton now.

For the time being, I think I'll try to make sure he won't have the opportunity to watch porn and try to have more fun sex with him (if he allows, that's it). It's so sad that I've been rejected so many times. Cheating does cross my mind at times. I mean, if he won't do it, I'm sure many others will. This sucks.
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Old 19th November 2007, 6:53 PM   #13
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I really dunno whether he's desensitized or it's ED. To tell him that I know that he has been watching porn would mean that he'll know that I've been snooping around. That will be disastrous, he will just be more careful next time. I just don't think that he'll give up porn just because I ask.

Re read the last line in your paragraph. If he wont give it up because you ask then it goes deeper than just porn viewing. Maybe he a real addiction? If that is the case, then no amount of asking or begging will probably make him stop. You might want to think about whats more important, him knowing you snooped, or trying to help him if he does infact have a problem, and possibly helping to save your relationship.
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Old 19th November 2007, 8:13 PM   #14
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If it's ED, does it mean that he should be having problem finishing it even if he's just going off by watching porn?
There's a difference between erectile dysfunction and total impotence, so yeah, he may be successfully reach orgasm through masturbation or even occasionally by vaginal penetration and still be diagnosed with ED. A doppler study measuring blood flow is your best bet.

It really is important to have a medical diagnosis though, because ED can be indicative of other underlying medical issues like diabetes or hypertension.
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Old 19th November 2007, 9:07 PM   #15
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I have been with my husband for 10 years and his sex drive has been decreasing since a few years ago. Now, we are doing it like once in a few months time. Even when we do have sex, he couldn't seem to ejaculate 90% of the time. He said he was just tired but I'm really not sure, why does he feel tired so often? It's really depressing, we're not even thirty years old yet.

To make things worse, he doesn't want to have sex but he watches porn all the time. He doesn't know that I know and he has refused to admit everytime I try to ask.

I just don't get it. He loves porn so that means he does have sex drive. Then why doesn't he want to have sex with me? Does that mean that he's no longer attracted to me? I believe he truly loves me but at the rate things are going, I'm just not sure when he will "graduate" from porn into more serious stuffs like phone sex or even a real affair.

Somehow, I get the feeling that porn is destroying our sex live. Cause porn is always so new and exciting, as compared to having sex with the same old me. HELP!!! What should I do now???
First off, men (well MOST men anyways) don't "watch" porn. They "use" porn. And the way they "use" porn is to fuel their visual nature for sexual stimulation via watching women (and sometimes men) having sex on screen. And they don't just use porn by watching it. That would lead to an erection. And that almost always leads to sexual release. If he's not getting it with you, then he's masturbating in secret.

There are a lot of reasons why he would be using porn and masturbation as a means of sexual gratification rather than having sex with you. It could be physical attraction, you don't give enough information to tell there. But if he is watching porn in secret, it's to meet his sexual needs in secret as well....and without your help.

As a married man, it's wrong to deny your wife sex as it's part of the relationship. But if he is denying you sex by masturbating to porn (and IMO he almost assuredly is) it's almost certain to be a lack of overall intimacy with you. Emotional and physical intimacy.

How is your communication overall? Are you having date nights and/or spending time together other than in the bedroom? Are you "engaged" with one anothers' lives or has it become more like a couple of roommates living together? The fact that he has time to view porn in secret tends to tell me you aren't spending a lot of "quality" time OUTSIDE the bedroom (or in it for that matter).

My advice is to examine the overall non-sexual intimacy of the relationship first.....if you get that part fixed, great sex is a natural outcome. And you will also find the porn viewing in secret just going away on it's own. It's a symptom of a deeper issue, not the root cause of your sexless marriage.
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