noturtypicalwife Posted November 15, 2007 Share Posted November 15, 2007 I put this on seperation and divorce, but I would be interested in what any of you have to say. To all of you that know my random questions and posts this should be no shocker. I have been unhappy, lifeless and hopeless in this current situation. I got a note yesterday from him claming that he didn't hide his new cell phone (he knows I found out, but not by me) anyway he then went on to express how it would be cheaper if he did this, and how we both need a phone and that he had told me a week or two ago, he said we both should have phones, he said he wanted a flip phone, but by no means did he tell me he got one, or anything else that he has been hiding. I just happen to come across it, and then to boot he got it on the first! Your just admitting this now, but youve had it for 13days? And the only reason he said anything is because I already knew. So this leads me to believe that he feels NO obligation whatsoever to tell me anyhting, no justification not even because I am his wife? I have a heart thats breaking, I thought this man was the love of my life, and a mind that tells me I deserve better. I am not perfect I have made mistakes, but I can honestly say it's been a long time sence my mistakes, and frankly I have been honest about them. I ask him if its ok to buy things like luxuries, and I am flabergasted that he doesn't have enough respect for me to do the same. I know he has other secrets, other hidden crap that I know about, I am not going to write it, but its all mundane and some more 2nd guessing myself on the mundane but regardless he does not seem to see that this is our problem, that I would not look for things if I felt he was honest about everything, and if something bothered me he would take it seriously instead of smirking or blowing it off as an overexageration on my part. What should I say? I have no power, no strength left to fight, he's not trying to fight. Link to post Share on other sites
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted November 15, 2007 Share Posted November 15, 2007 You know what? It sounds as though you've reached your limit. Nothing wrong with that. We all have our limits. I can imagine it must be tiresome as hell living with someone who constantly lies and sneaks with every move he makes. That's not a marriage. That's like a mommy with a misbehaved son who can't straighten up and fly right. After a while, I would imagine it creates a "me against him" type of feeling. You're not feeling like you're a team anymore. You're not feeling like it's you and he against the rest of the world. You're probably feeling like you're in this all alone even though you're both living under the same roof. And yes, after a while that's bound to be defeating, tiresome, and demoralizing for you. This isn't rocket science. As you know, the only one you can control is YOU. You can't control his sneaky behavior or his constant desire to lie and deceive. Unless he gets struck by lightning and has a sudden epiphany, why would that change? You can either choose to stay with him and continue to sell off little pieces of your soul just because you love him, or you can decide that YOU are worthy of better. Sounds like you're at that point. I hope you make a choice that benefits YOU. For a change. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 I got a note yesterday from him claming that he didn't hide his new cell phone (he knows I found out, but not by me) anyway he then went on to express how it would be cheaper if he did this, and how we both need a phone and that he had told me a week or two ago, he said we both should have phones, he said he wanted a flip phone, but by no means did he tell me he got one, or anything else that he has been hiding. I just happen to come across it, and then to boot he got it on the first! Your just admitting this now, but youve had it for 13days? And the only reason he said anything is because I already knew. So this leads me to believe that he feels NO obligation whatsoever to tell me anyhting, no justification not even because I am his wife? I have a heart thats breaking, I thought this man was the love of my life, and a mind that tells me I deserve better. I am not perfect I have made mistakes, but I can honestly say it's been a long time sence my mistakes, and frankly I have been honest about them. I ask him if its ok to buy things like luxuries, and I am flabergasted that he doesn't have enough respect for me to do the same. Allright, I'm totally confused. We're talking about a cell phone here, which in today's market costs about the same as a full tank of gas. And you're feeling unloved, dis-respected and flabergasted becuse he didn't ask your permission? And for this you're thinking about destroying your marriage? What's the real story ? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
michaelk Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 It would have been very helpful if you had posted a bit of background with your question. From looking at your past posts, I know you're already spelled it out many times, but I think you will get more responses by providing more info here. Anyway, it's very clear that the two of you have major communication and intimacy issues. If you've been fighting this for the past two years and it hasn't gotten any better, then I really feel for you. While I don't think the cellphone incident by itself is anything to get upset about, it seems there is a distance between the two of you that you've not been able to bridge. His hiding things, not listening or talking, anger and belittling you are all just different ways of saying what he outright told you a while back. He doesn't want to be there. He's distancing himself and living his life on his own as much as he can. You can either fix this or walk away. To fix it, you've got to figure out what he's so unhappy about and why he won't get close to you. This requires him to talk, and probably some professional help (I know you tried MC before, but it's no good if you're not both committed and doing it regularly). My question is, what's it going to take for him to want to talk? Sometimes, you have to be walking out the door before a person will wake up and take action. If he's having an affair, his mind might not be in a place where he's willing to talk. In fact, he might want to leave but is waiting for you to make the first move so he won't be the 'bad guy'. This would explain why he's been treating you poorly. Under those circumstances, you'd need to find hard evidence of the affair and confront him with it. Make it clear that if he leaves, it's going to be because of his actions and there's no way he can pawn that off on you. That cold reality alone might be enough to shock him into talking. Given how upset you've been and for how long, though, I don't blame you for wanting to walk away. Sometimes the best thing we can do is think of ourselves. If you're perpetually going to be walking on eggshells in this marriage, and he's unwilling or unable to help you fix that, then maybe it's time to call it quits. After all, what good is the possibility of saving the relationship if it's going to cost you your sanity along the way? I wish you the best with this! MK Link to post Share on other sites
Author noturtypicalwife Posted November 17, 2007 Author Share Posted November 17, 2007 Allright, I'm totally confused. We're talking about a cell phone here, which in today's market costs about the same as a full tank of gas. And you're feeling unloved, dis-respected and flabergasted becuse he didn't ask your permission? And for this you're thinking about destroying your marriage? What's the real story ? Mr. Lucky My threads can be confusing, I am a little confusing. The bottom line here is that its NOT just about the phone, its about a delibrate hiding of the phone so that I would not know, plus he already had one. So technically he would now have 2. Why would anyone need 2? I know its not buisness related, and with the other hone he was sneaky, like he would erase numbers, texts, and I hate to snoop, but man he gave me a reason too. Somethings I just happened to come along not even intentionally. I digress. Its about open and honest communication in a marriage, your suppossed to be best friends, and best friends tell eachother EVERYTHING. to boot I also came across enhancement cream...now what the hell is that for? If it was for me why wouldn't he say "hey I got this stuff and I thought maybe we could try it out and see if it works" Maybe I am making a mole hill out of nothing, but I just wish I was told things....even petty things because I am his wife, his friend, his confidint. Who else do you share your desires and dreams with> Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 17, 2007 Share Posted November 17, 2007 Well, that different. I got a "He didn't ask my permission" feeling from your first post, so obviously the thought that he could be using it to screen calls he doesn't want to take on his other phone never occurred to me. As one sees over and over again on LS, where there is smoke there is usually fire. Certainly keep your eyes and ears open as you do need (and have a right) to know what's going on... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Elyssa Posted November 19, 2007 Share Posted November 19, 2007 My threads can be confusing, I am a little confusing. The bottom line here is that its NOT just about the phone, its about a delibrate hiding of the phone so that I would not know, plus he already had one. So technically he would now have 2. Why would anyone need 2? I know its not buisness related, and with the other hone he was sneaky, like he would erase numbers, texts, and I hate to snoop, but man he gave me a reason too. Somethings I just happened to come along not even intentionally. I digress. Its about open and honest communication in a marriage, your suppossed to be best friends, and best friends tell eachother EVERYTHING. to boot I also came across enhancement cream...now what the hell is that for? If it was for me why wouldn't he say "hey I got this stuff and I thought maybe we could try it out and see if it works" Maybe I am making a mole hill out of nothing, but I just wish I was told things....even petty things because I am his wife, his friend, his confidint. Who else do you share your desires and dreams with> He buys a cell phone and hides it from you. He deletes the phone numbers, texts and you find some male enhancement cream that he didn't tell you about either? Maybe it's just me, but it looks like he might be cheating or at least thinking about it. -E Link to post Share on other sites
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