backserpent Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 My wife and I have been married for 12 years very happily. It's the second marriage for both of us. Her previous marriage having lasted 10 years,.... and mine almost 20. I am 8 years her senior at 53,... and we've always had an exceptionally satisfying sex life. We've been very honest with each other about our sexual turn on's and from time to time have discussed our past sexual partners,.... and what we've enjoyed about each of them from a purely sexual point of view. During those discussions,..it's not unusual for both of us to get so turned on,... that we immediatly feel the overwhelming need to have intercourse ourselves. My wife is a very attractive, and vivacious, woman of 45, with a body that anyone half her age would be proud of. I on the other hand,... have started to have some health issues that prevent me from having sex as often as we had in the past. I know my wife loves me,.... and would continue to be monogamous in spite this,.... but I feel very guilty that I can't see to her sexual needs the way I have in the past. Frankly,.... I'm very excited by the thought of watching her make love to another guy. We've talked about it in the past,...and even though we've never acted on the impulse,...I know that the thought turns her on as well. At this point the only thing preventing us from doing it, would be her feelings of betraying me somehow. What are your feelings about this? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
popey Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 wow, I just yesterday posted in general relationships forum, a question about: if sex can be just sex, and making love is different. Then why do we care if our SO would have "just sex" with someone else if we wouldn't care if they masterbate? I ask, not b/c I am among the few who would not care, but I have to question, from where this comes. So you don't think you would be jealous? seeing her all into it. aroused by his vision and touch? what if she seems to climax faster, or more intensely than you've seen before? what if after he stays in her head. if she wants him again? Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 Funny but I've also been married 12 years to my H. Also second marriage for both. He's 52 and I'm 46. My advice, don't do it. My H and I to be honest, talk about things like that. It turns us both on but in reality we'd never, never do it. This is something that needs to stay in the realm of fantasy. I really think you'll destroy your marriage if you "go there." If my H for some reason, couldn't perform anymore, I'd want him to pleasure me in other ways that didn't involve bringing a third person into our marriage. I think you'll regret it if you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Micke81 Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 As long as you are open and honest about it, I think it can be done. Actually, I know it can, as we've done it, except H wasn't watching. There are issues to be aware of. For me, I developed feelings for the other guy. I'm just not the type of person that can have sex and not attach any emotion to it. It turned out not to be a problem in the end, but you need to be aware that this is not only a possibility, but a probable. If you keep it all out in the open, even her feelings, you can be safe. I do think that it takes a very special relationship for the couple to be okay with it. A very secure relationship built on honesty and trust, and the realization that their marriage is way more than sex. Tread lightly. Link to post Share on other sites
popey Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 As long as you are open and honest about it, I think it can be done. Actually, I know it can, as we've done it, except H wasn't watching. There are issues to be aware of. For me, I developed feelings for the other guy. I'm just not the type of person that can have sex and not attach any emotion to it. It turned out not to be a problem in the end, but you need to be aware that this is not only a possibility, but a probable. If you keep it all out in the open, even her feelings, you can be safe. I do think that it takes a very special relationship for the couple to be okay with it. A very secure relationship built on honesty and trust, and the realization that their marriage is way more than sex. Tread lightly. would you mind sharing about how the decision was made? was it a one time thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author backserpent Posted October 26, 2007 Author Share Posted October 26, 2007 So you don't think you would be jealous? seeing her all into it. aroused by his vision and touch? what if she seems to climax faster, or more intensely than you've seen before? what if after he stays in her head. if she wants him again? My wife is a very beautiful woman,...inside as well as out. We share a tremendous relationship,...with many things in common other than sex. I just feel that she deserves better than what I'm currently able to give sexually due to my health. Sure,.... we could make due with some compromised form of sex,.... but my feeling is that life is short, and what purpose would be solved by having her sacrifice her pleasure for my sake,.... if I'm willing to allow her that pleasure with someone else? In answer to your other question; Would I be jealous? Possibly,...but I think overall I'd be more happy for her to continue to be able to enjoy something which I can no longer provide. I feel pretty confident that those things which have already given us so much love, and mutual respect,...would compensate for any jealousy I may feel by her taking another lover. Than again,... I might be totally wrong. That's why I'm asking you guys opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 sex isn't just about sticking it in someone, but about intimacy. And there are many, many different ways to make love to someone that doesn't necessarily involve penetration. whether you pitch the idea of your wife getting serviced by another man isn't as much an issue as how you plan to handle things when she does agree, and a bond of intimacy is formed between them. Because for the most part, a woman sees sex as something more than a way to get her rocks off. Link to post Share on other sites
Herzen Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 There's really no right or wrong, here. Take a pragmatic approach: if the reality (as opposed to fantasy) of another man fu#cking your wife is emotionally acceptable to both of you, and you're confident that you can co-exist with the ever-present threat of your wife developing feelings for one of the surrogates, then go for it. As you say, your wife is young and life is short. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 I still say you're making a big mistake. You'll probably never view her in the same way again. And frankly, if I were in your situation with my H, I'd be insulted if he even suggested such a thing and even MORE insulted if he thought I would actually go through with something like that. Instead I'd be doing all I could to reassure him that I still loved him the same as before. I'd also assure him that I'd be happy in whatever other way he could pleasure me. My H is more than a stiff, hard cock to me to be blunt. I think you should talk to her about this..have you? Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 sex isn't just about sticking it in someone, but about intimacy. And there are many, many different ways to make love to someone that doesn't necessarily involve penetration. whether you pitch the idea of your wife getting serviced by another man isn't as much an issue as how you plan to handle things when she does agree, and a bond of intimacy is formed between them. Because for the most part, a woman sees sex as something more than a way to get her rocks off. Great post, Quank. I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Micke81 Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 would you mind sharing about how the decision was made? was it a one time thing? I was away for work for about 6 weeks. During that time we (H and I) would chat on the phone nightly, and he would joke about me finding someone to "hold me over" as I am a very sexual person. There was a guy that I was in close contact with that I found attractive, so I told H. Then he (H) told me that he was more than joking and that it was a fantasy of his for me to be with another man. So, after much much talking, I went for it with the other guy, telling H everything. It lasted for about 3 weeks and I haven't seen him since. I will be seeing him again in another month for about a week. We will have sex again, but after that week, I will call it off for good. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 You've given a couple of reasons why you're considering this option. One of them is that you (and, you believe, she) get turned on by the idea. It's still a dangerous path to take, for a number of reasons (STDs, jealousy, your wife's feelings about betraying you, etc.). But hey, some people manage to enjoy this kind of thing and have a strong marriage. It's not for me, but to each their own. The other is that you feel guilty that, due to health reasons, you can't see to your wife's sexual needs the way you have in the past. That is TOTALLY the wrong reason to consider the idea of her being with another man. First of all, it sounds like you haven't discussed with her whether or not she feels like your sex life together isn't meeting her needs. Has she expressed frustration that you can't have sex as often as she'd like? If you guys were previously having sex every day or two and now it's once a week, maybe there are some other avenues you can explore together to satisfy her, before throwing another person into the mix. Secondly, you have no reason to feel guilty. Marriage is about commitment -- when the two of you married, you (hopefully) intended that it would be for life, that you'd grow old together. One inevitable aspect of being alive is that, sooner or later, you'll develop a health problem of some kind. And part of couplehood is working through those things together. You didn't ask for your health problems, so I see no reason why you should feel guilty about their effect on your sexual performance. Perhaps that effect is temporary. It's true that, sometimes, working through the problems in a relationship is not possible. And, since humans are sexual animals, if one spouse loses interest or capacity for sex but the other's drive remains strong, that may be one of those issues that's insurmountable. But if your relationship is good in pretty much every other way, rely on that strength to see you through the immediate problem before introducing a third party. And in the meantime, don't feel guilty. There's no reason to feel that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Romantic Posted October 27, 2007 Share Posted October 27, 2007 Your wife has already made love to me. We had hot passionate sex and I made her climax numerous times with my hard cock and tongue. She was totally satisfied and returned the favor by allowing me to shoot hot juice down her throat after the sucked me to orgasm. We then screwed each other again just to bring ourselves off again to be totally drained. She was wonderful. Awesome body, and totally wet. If she needs me again, I'll gladly accommodate her. //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// So, BS, how did that sound? Any pangs of jealousy there? Any uneasiness? If not, then you're probably OK with your thought. Now show it to your wife. Same question/same answer. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 27, 2007 Share Posted October 27, 2007 Talking about past lovers, and talking about the fantasy of seeing her with another man, is not in any way, shape or form the same as her actually having sex with another man. You are making a huge leap to think that she would be interested in such a thing, or would ever do it, or that it would be anything like you imagine it would be. Your guilt is your responsibility - don't make her responsible for assuaging your guilt by having sex with another man just to make YOU feel better and to fulfill your fantasy. You can please her in many, many other ways, and she wouldn't think it was making do "with some compromised form of sex" - YOU think it's a compromised form of sex just because your penis isn't front and center in the action. How is it a "compromised form of sex" if she has an orgasm or two via oral or by you using a toy with her or manual stimulation or whatever? Don't bring down your marriage just because you feel inadequate. If you can't talk to her about this on your own, go to a marriage counselor and find out what SHE wants and how SHE feels and how SHE wants her marriage and her sex life to be and how SHE feels about your sex life if you're concerned about her pleasure. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 27, 2007 Share Posted October 27, 2007 First of all, it sounds like you haven't discussed with her whether or not she feels like your sex life together isn't meeting her needs. Has she expressed frustration that you can't have sex as often as she'd like? If you guys were previously having sex every day or two and now it's once a week, maybe there are some other avenues you can explore together to satisfy her, before throwing another person into the mix. This is also the frirst thing that jumped out at me. Two separate issues here: 1). How does your wife feel about the lower frequency of sex? 2). How would she feel about sex with another person? You may find that the answer to one has no bearing on the answer to the other... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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