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Wife's Crush on Colleague?


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My wife has seemed distracted of late and I know she finds it a struggle to get excited about love making sometimes.

 

She is not physically attracted to me anymore and dropped this into a conversation a few months ago while discussing an incident with her sister before we dated.

 

We were discussing why I never dated with her sister, while she was courting a friend in the front of her car, before we started dating each other. I said maybe she didn't fancy me and my wife replied without really thinking 'wonder why!' as in, because your not that good looking.

 

When I appeared upset she tried to back track and say she meant 'I wonder why?' as in she would be surprised that her sister wouldn't find me attractive.

 

She has said a few other casual things that make me realise she is'nt really attracted to me any more. I have tried to talk to her about it as I would like to know why, but she then denies it and confirms it in equal measures as she doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

 

She has said this has been going on a long time (but not actually saying what THIS is) and I would reply 'when I was overweight' and she would confirm. (I put on 50 pound for a couple of years before losing it 4 years ago)

 

We have been married 11 years and together 15 knowing each other very well for a year before getting together as teenagers. We have 3 kids 13, 10 and 8 and have been reasonably happily married and in love without any major problems, although I maybe didn't support her as much as she would have liked when the kids were young. (I played a lot of sport, which was time consuming in the evenings and weekends, which we often fought about)

 

About 3-4 months ago she atarted a new job which is challenging and she really seems to enjoy, she has been back at work 3 years since having the kids.

 

At the start she talked about a colleague who she said was very attractive but cocky and full of himself. The pangs of jealousy started as soon as she mentioned he was attractive and I realised that I was being silly!

 

But as the weeks went by I knew by how she talked about this colleague that she secretly liked him, but couldn't admit to it.

 

I know she's not having an affair as she wouldn't have the time, but I sense that she may have a crush on him. She tells me she loves me and I know she does but this crush is distracting her attention from me.

 

I have talked to her about this and she denies it (the crush) but admitted she had neglected me (She missed my birthday for the first time ever along with other things-lack of sex-)

 

The thing that really bothers me is that I sense she is hidng some things - who she has lunch with etc. We used to meet everyday for lunch but she doesn't have time some days and she only gets 30mins. She has already been promoted so is genuinely busy. But I don't believe some of the excuses she made to not have lunch with me and sensed she was lieing.

 

My W tells small insignificant lies quite a lot, I think this was the way she was brought up. Her mother was an alcoholic and died when the W was 15. Her father is a good man but just doesn't deal with problems.

 

I have talked to her about the lies and of course she denies it, says everything is fine and got angry accusing me of not trusting her. When we talk we go round in circles, she gets angry and I get frustrated.

 

Lately the worry has been getting the better of me and I am hurting and withdrawing at times especially when she can't make lunch or is late home from work. She has sensed this and has been equally understanding and annoyed at the 'sulking' she calls it

 

I know my jealousy is getting the beter of me at times and causing me to deal with things poorly although I have only been like this one other time in our relationship. Shortly after we started dating as teenagers my W and best friend, who knew each other well, would flirt and carry on in front of me.

 

We had alot of rows over this as I felt she was more attracted to him than me, and the signs I have seen lately have reseurected these feelings. For the last 12-13 years we have had no such problems even with the best friend which we got over.

 

Sorry for the long post but I just need to get it out and see what people think.

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My thoughts are that she is unhappy with you and has some resentment issues! You need to get moving on that right away. Find out what she is unhappy with you about, and ask her for forgiveness and try to change that!

 

If things continue down this road your going to hit some major speed bumps and neither of you will be happy.

 

Also, be more confident with yourself, notice how cockyness is one of the traits she mentioned... that's because its something she doesnt see in you!

 

When you get angry do you call her names or say hurtful things?

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A lot of people initially think that their wife isn't having an affair, but, after reading your post, my gut feeling is that she is.

 

If she is no longer physically attracted to you and has even told you so, there is a good chance she is cheating on you, or is planning on it.

 

Probably the best thing to do is to see a marriage counselor. At least you can find out what is really going on in her head and hopefully save your marriage.

 

Good luck.

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fxj05:

 

The only way to truly know what is going on with your wife is to ask. Don't accuse her, and it doesn't have to be confrontational, just tell her that you are feeling strangely about the situation and ask her "are you still attracted to me?" "ARE you attracted to anyone else?". If it's done with concern and care and not construed as an attack on her, it could be very helpful in the long run. Just be careful, as these kinds of discussions, with all of the emotions that are involved, can get out of hand. However, if you go into it with a plan to stay calm, and to really listen to what she has to say, you will most likely come out of it feeling much better and stronger in your relationship.

 

Trust me....communication is the key....I have very little in my M, and I understand how rough things can be without it.

 

Best of luck to you.

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Thanks for the replies.

 

We have talked a good bit about this already over the last 2-3 months and most of the time its calm discussion, I would never say hurtful things even in the heat of an argument.

 

I have asked whether she is attracted to me and it is always 'Of course I am, do you think I could make love to someone that I am not attracted to!'

 

When I ask about whether she is attracted to anyone at work, I even mention the guys name and she says 'He is good looking but I am not attracted to him'

 

I know this is not true, I know that she does love me and I know she's not having a physical affair, but I am sure that there is plenty of flirting and tension that could lead to something at an opportune time.

 

I just don't know how to get her to open up to me and talk honestly about it.

 

And your probably right Cobra that its the cockiness that is an attraction as I am quite a quiet person, although I would be the one in our relationship to take the lead.

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Chrome Barracuda

She's gonna F*** him.

 

Pre empt her buy handing her seperation papers and wish her and the OM luck in their new life. He's gonna need it.

 

lol.

 

Seriously, I aint joking, get down to the courthouse today!

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I have been thinking also about the white lies that my W tells usually insignificant things that make her look better. I have always been really bugged by this as I don't understand why she needs to do this, as I am honest to a fault sometimes.

 

But although I have never really caught her telling me significant lies, I know she probably would. I know that she is not telling me the truth about her feelings and some actions lately, like the reason she started wearing make up to work (until I questioned her motives then she stopped) and why she is interested all of a sudden in losing weight.

 

I can't prove any of the lies or motives for these things and its really frustrating.

 

I have been reading about how people lie, why they lie, how to detect them etc, but when you know motives given are false and your being deceived, but don't have proof, what you do?

 

If you ask, you are just alerting the person to be more discreet, if you don't talk about it, it just eats you up!

 

Accusing her of being a liar is just going to cause rows and make her defensive

 

I don't want to make it seem like she is a compulsive liar, as everyone tells lies from time to time especially when we may get into trouble or to avoid hurting someones feelings, its just that I can't trust her fully because of the lies.

 

I have already discussed this with the W and she has promised to be more honest, but when it comes to the crunch I don't think I will get the whole truth.

 

Can you live with someone you love and you know loves you, and just accept the flaws, after all we all have flaws.

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Chrome Barracuda, I don't even know that the other guy even fancies my W.

 

He is quite young, has a more attractive girlfriend, there are other more attractive women in the office etc.

 

It could all be just an infatuation that my W has in her head and is distratcted by it.

 

They have no contact outside of work or anything like that

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Buddy, it appears you might have some serious trust issues, going all the way back to the time in the car when you were teenagers.

 

Look, she said she finds you attractive, and said she's not interested in anyone else. You also wonder "can you live with someone you know loves you"? Helloooooo? Anybody in there?

 

Until you're handed clear-cut proof of some funny business happening, get back to being a loving husband. Take it from me, being suspicious is so unattractive.

 

Relax. Find something else to do besides examining every syllable your wife utters.

When you are interesting, and you are happy, the people around you will be happy too.

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Frequent Flyer you are right I maybe have some trust/insecurity issues and of course I can live with someone who loves me, I would never give up what I have, maybe even if she did make a mistake.

 

I think you got mixed up with the car thing, there was no issue there.

 

Yes maybe I am over analyzing things at the minute, but I don't think you can ignore gut feelings about intuitions that you sometimes get.

 

We have been married 11years without anything like this cropping up.

 

You're also right that suspicious is not attractive, but when you know that the W is no longer attracted to you and it seems that she is distracted by a shiny new toy, its only natural to worry and to want to get to the bottom of it.

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LucreziaBorgia

My point of view comes from my past - being the bad cheater. I see more red flags than others, because I was often where your wife is now. She may not have actually followed through with anything, but I know the "too busy to have lunch with you/late from work/lying/lack of sex/missing important family milestones" routine. Its what you do when you set your sights on someone else and you want to test the waters without losing what you already have.

 

I'm not sure why you would be concerned with whether or not she actually f*cks him. Its bad enough that she has turned her back on your emotionally in favor of him. Even if she never actually does the deed - she has shifted the focus of her attraction, attention, and emotional investment to him, and while he gets the good stuff, you get the sulking, the lies, the "late for work/can't make lunch" excuses. She is obviously prioritizing him over you, regardless of whether or not they are actually having a physical affair.

 

I know she's not having an affair as she wouldn't have the time

 

Do not ever underestimate the lengths people will go to have an affair if they want one. Trust me on this one... when people have affairs, they make time. Whether it be a stolen fifteen minutes here at work, some lunch break time, some after work lingering, emails, phone calls, etc. When I was cheating around back in the bad old days, I always found time... ALWAYS. If I wanted it bad enough, there was always some time for it. Maybe not much, but...

 

I guess what I'm saying is that she may or may not be having an affair, but her heart is certainly in it, and that is bad enough on its own. You have to ask yourself if you want to stay married under these circumstances, where you have a wife who stays with you but wants someone else. If its not him, it will be someone else.

 

You'll need to target what it is that led her mind astray before it gets to the point where her body and her heart follows suit.

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Frequent Flyer you are right I maybe have some trust/insecurity issues and of course I can live with someone who loves me, I would never give up what I have, maybe even if she did make a mistake.

 

I think you got mixed up with the car thing, there was no issue there.

 

Yes maybe I am over analyzing things at the minute, but I don't think you can ignore gut feelings about intuitions that you sometimes get.

 

We have been married 11years without anything like this cropping up.

 

You're also right that suspicious is not attractive, but when you know that the W is no longer attracted to you and it seems that she is distracted by a shiny new toy, its only natural to worry and to want to get to the bottom of it.

 

LB is correct in her assesment here. From what you are saying it sounds like your W is beginning to get into an emotional affair.

 

Dont think this other guy wont be interested because he has a GF or because he could get more attractive girls... ect. You know men just as well as I do, he could be attracted to the competative element and your W is just low hanging fruit.

 

If this were me I would call her on the carpet based on the things I see and feel, then I would literally tell her to stop and work on the marriage with me... or leave immediately!

 

I'm not sure what is the best way to go about fixing this situation, but I believe an honest discussion with her is in order.

 

I feel for what your going through! Be strong, she will respect that strength!

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LB I appreciate your perspective, sometimes when people keep denying things and others tell you you're imagining it you start to doubt yourself.

 

I love my wife and I'm sure we can work through things eventually. My own parents went through something similar, were one thought the other was having an affair. It took along time but they are now in their late 60's and happy.

 

I know my wife loves me and would never leave as we have invested too much in each other. She still looks up to me to be there for her and would be devestated if we seperated.

 

We were young when we had our first child, I was 19 she was 21. We had planned to get married when I was 21 and had everything organized.

 

I broke it off 6months before the wedding as I felt trapped and we seperated, she was more ready than me. We eventually got back after a bit of single time and got married shortly after.

 

I hope its just a phase shes going through as we all have times when we love our partners more or less.

 

Cobra, I have already had that discussion were I broke down and she apologised for neglecting me, without admitting to anything in particular. I know I didn't get the whole story and said so, I also told her not to reply because I would rather not hear any more lies.

 

I just don't know whether a talk like that can make the W alter her feelings! Sure she can alter her actions, which she appears to have done, but is it more secrecy or genuine? I suppose only time and vigilence will tell.

 

Can someone change their feelings just like that because they are hurting a loved one, especially if they are seeing the OM everyday?

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Yes, it can and will change her feelings. The moment she realizes how serious the situation is with you then her feelings will start to change.

 

There is a certain part of her that wants you to fight for her. To show that you want her and that you are strong and confident enough to stand up and demand that!

 

If she thinks... maybe I can have both... or wants to test the waters with someone else... she will string you on like this.

 

If she wants to feel attractive and needs attention let her know its from you OR somebody else... not both. It's choose or lose time.

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LucreziaBorgia

Can someone change their feelings just like that because they are hurting a loved one, especially if they are seeing the OM everyday?

 

No. Her feelings for him won't change. She'll just get better at hiding them from you verbally, while at the same time her actions toward you will belie them. Every second she spends with OM is another second stolen from you, FX. She won't think of it in terms of what its doing to you, because she knows in the grand scheme of things you aren't really going anywhere and when she is done with OM you'll be right there waiting for her. She has the same sense of security that a kid going off to college has about knowing he can always come home for a place to crash. It would not occur to her to even try to stop how she is feeling about him, if she sees no consequences for it.

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Sounds like your wife is a real b!tch. Sorry...but to make a comment like "wonder why" as to take a stab at you like you are a worthless piece of crap...she is one.

 

I didn't get to read your entire thread, but if you don't have kids with her...throw her out and get a divorce. She obviously doesn't care about you. If you don't have kids, I wonder if you can still get an anullment.

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I agree with those who say just get the divorce right now. Cut her loose so she can have this OM. Why waste anymore time on this woman.

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Hello FX.....I am betrayed husband....just little back ground

 

my wife and I have been together since age 17, we are now 37 with 2 kids.

 

3 years ago my wife had an affair with the good looking cocky boss at ther work....we worked thru it and are still together....

 

 

anyway...I just want to make some obseravations from your posts...becuase as I look back...I had some of the same things..

 

 

Lack of interest in me and family things

Dont have time to phone to me during lunch time

Increased afterwork outtings

Sexy cloths for work

Lost wieght

Secrative about things

White lies

Gas lighting (turning tables back to you...."how dare you acuse me of xxxx")

Possesive of cell phone

Forgets schedules with kids

Talks about the OM and how funny he is, but always stated just a friend

Said she loves me just was confused on things.

Couldnt give me 100% commitment answers on far future schedule.

I love you but not in love with you speech

Admission to an attraction to cocky types...complete opposite of me

 

 

 

Plus the fact that we have been together for 20 years....since age 17....we are all we know sexually and emotional really....yes we have had sex in highschool with others...but we were just kids ya know.

 

So through in 2 kids and a mid 30's midlife issues of the grass is greener syndrome....and we were ripe for an affair....and my wife was the one that went down that path.

 

 

 

IMO....given what you have said.....your marriage is ripe for an affair....VERY RIPE. Tread cautiously....

 

I see red flags in your post....there may be nothing YET....but IMO...she is setting it up....even if its in her own mind....the grass in greener syndrome has definiatly taken root in her mind......I just hope it doesnt progress to the walk away wife syndrome....

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she's cheating - and you are being naive to think otherwise.

 

for some reason she feels validated and important to this man.

 

giving him her attention instead of you is very mean spirited and unfair in a loving marriage.

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Chrome Barracuda
Chrome Barracuda, I don't even know that the other guy even fancies my W.

 

He is quite young, has a more attractive girlfriend, there are other more attractive women in the office etc.

 

It could all be just an infatuation that my W has in her head and is distratcted by it.

 

They have no contact outside of work or anything like that

 

Alot of guys that i have known have been stupid enough to throw away dime pieces for a side piece of ass. This young man may fancy your wife, dont try to speak for him.

 

Your wife is already in this entitlement mindset, you need to squash this little bug. and if that means an ultimatim then that's what it boils down to. Be prepared for the worse. Your wife is about to cheat, either you beat her to the punch by handing her fresh seperation papers or you confront this now and stick together. Dont let it get any further than what is happening now!

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Thanks for all your posts, they are all appreciated, but some of you guys seem to have had really bad experiences to suggest divorce without proof of cheating or even trying to fix things.

 

I am sure that my W has not physically cheated on me and I doubt if she has even tried to plan anything, but thats not to say she hasn't thought about it or wanted to.

 

I ain't going to give up at the first hurdle in our marriage, In fact I will climb everest to fight for our marriage.

 

CB, I think your possibly right that it will come to an ultimatum, but tht is difficult to do without proof, all I have is my intuition taht everything is not right.

 

TMW, I am sorry to hear about your story and quite a bit seems familiar, although we havn't got to the stage of hiding cell phones, sexy clothes or outings etc. But I can see it coming!

 

Bish, I don't see my W like that, I married her because she is kind, loving, caring, friendly and to make the 'wonder why' comment was out of character. I have asked myself whether it was a freudian slip or what, but I don't think she meant to hurt me.

 

LB, you seem like woman with experience form the other side in this situation. What made you wake up and smell the coffee or did anything!

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LucreziaBorgia

1. I am sure that my W has not physically cheated on me and I doubt if she has even tried to plan anything, but thats not to say she hasn't thought about it or wanted to.

 

2. LB, you seem like woman with experience form the other side in this situation. What made you wake up and smell the coffee or did anything!

 

1. Never assume the best and look the other way. That is called enabling, and cheaters use that to their advantage 100%. If you start getting suspicious, you'll get gaslighted back into looking the other way. I wish I could tell you that it isn't that way, but it is.

 

2. Honestly, there was no 'lightbulb' moment. I wish I could pinpoint the moment, but I can tell you with complete certainty that my cheating/OW days are over. Its an internal thing - biochemical maybe? There was no 'knight in shining armor' that saved me, no 'epiphany' that came to my mind. It was no external thing. It was all internal. Not sure how or why. All I know is that the part of my mind that handled this sort of thing went dormant on me - thankfully. I look back on my days with a sort of fascinated horror that I could have ever done what I did. Its been some years now since that part of me died off. I can't say I miss it.

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Bish, I don't see my W like that, I married her because she is kind, loving, caring, friendly and to make the 'wonder why' comment was out of character.

 

On the contrary...I think her true character came out there. NOBODY who loves someone says something hurtful like that.

 

and if you don't see your W "like that"...then good luck to you. I think you are going to be played a fool by this "woman"...but you have to make your own mistakes I guess.

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Lb, so what your saying is it is inevitable no matter what I do.

 

It's like being on the edge of a cliff with a boulder coming at you. Either jump first and face certain death or roll with the boulder and hope to avoid getting crushed!

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