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Wife's Crush on Colleague?


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Old 19th September 2007, 1:28 PM   #1
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Wife's Crush on Colleague?

My wife has seemed distracted of late and I know she finds it a struggle to get excited about love making sometimes.

She is not physically attracted to me anymore and dropped this into a conversation a few months ago while discussing an incident with her sister before we dated.

We were discussing why I never dated with her sister, while she was courting a friend in the front of her car, before we started dating each other. I said maybe she didn't fancy me and my wife replied without really thinking 'wonder why!' as in, because your not that good looking.

When I appeared upset she tried to back track and say she meant 'I wonder why?' as in she would be surprised that her sister wouldn't find me attractive.

She has said a few other casual things that make me realise she is'nt really attracted to me any more. I have tried to talk to her about it as I would like to know why, but she then denies it and confirms it in equal measures as she doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

She has said this has been going on a long time (but not actually saying what THIS is) and I would reply 'when I was overweight' and she would confirm. (I put on 50 pound for a couple of years before losing it 4 years ago)

We have been married 11 years and together 15 knowing each other very well for a year before getting together as teenagers. We have 3 kids 13, 10 and 8 and have been reasonably happily married and in love without any major problems, although I maybe didn't support her as much as she would have liked when the kids were young. (I played a lot of sport, which was time consuming in the evenings and weekends, which we often fought about)

About 3-4 months ago she atarted a new job which is challenging and she really seems to enjoy, she has been back at work 3 years since having the kids.

At the start she talked about a colleague who she said was very attractive but cocky and full of himself. The pangs of jealousy started as soon as she mentioned he was attractive and I realised that I was being silly!

But as the weeks went by I knew by how she talked about this colleague that she secretly liked him, but couldn't admit to it.

I know she's not having an affair as she wouldn't have the time, but I sense that she may have a crush on him. She tells me she loves me and I know she does but this crush is distracting her attention from me.

I have talked to her about this and she denies it (the crush) but admitted she had neglected me (She missed my birthday for the first time ever along with other things-lack of sex-)

The thing that really bothers me is that I sense she is hidng some things - who she has lunch with etc. We used to meet everyday for lunch but she doesn't have time some days and she only gets 30mins. She has already been promoted so is genuinely busy. But I don't believe some of the excuses she made to not have lunch with me and sensed she was lieing.

My W tells small insignificant lies quite a lot, I think this was the way she was brought up. Her mother was an alcoholic and died when the W was 15. Her father is a good man but just doesn't deal with problems.

I have talked to her about the lies and of course she denies it, says everything is fine and got angry accusing me of not trusting her. When we talk we go round in circles, she gets angry and I get frustrated.

Lately the worry has been getting the better of me and I am hurting and withdrawing at times especially when she can't make lunch or is late home from work. She has sensed this and has been equally understanding and annoyed at the 'sulking' she calls it

I know my jealousy is getting the beter of me at times and causing me to deal with things poorly although I have only been like this one other time in our relationship. Shortly after we started dating as teenagers my W and best friend, who knew each other well, would flirt and carry on in front of me.

We had alot of rows over this as I felt she was more attracted to him than me, and the signs I have seen lately have reseurected these feelings. For the last 12-13 years we have had no such problems even with the best friend which we got over.

Sorry for the long post but I just need to get it out and see what people think.
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Old 19th September 2007, 2:03 PM   #2
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My thoughts are that she is unhappy with you and has some resentment issues! You need to get moving on that right away. Find out what she is unhappy with you about, and ask her for forgiveness and try to change that!

If things continue down this road your going to hit some major speed bumps and neither of you will be happy.

Also, be more confident with yourself, notice how cockyness is one of the traits she mentioned... that's because its something she doesnt see in you!

When you get angry do you call her names or say hurtful things?
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Old 19th September 2007, 2:46 PM   #3
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A lot of people initially think that their wife isn't having an affair, but, after reading your post, my gut feeling is that she is.

If she is no longer physically attracted to you and has even told you so, there is a good chance she is cheating on you, or is planning on it.

Probably the best thing to do is to see a marriage counselor. At least you can find out what is really going on in her head and hopefully save your marriage.

Good luck.
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Old 19th September 2007, 3:15 PM   #4
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fxj05:

The only way to truly know what is going on with your wife is to ask. Don't accuse her, and it doesn't have to be confrontational, just tell her that you are feeling strangely about the situation and ask her "are you still attracted to me?" "ARE you attracted to anyone else?". If it's done with concern and care and not construed as an attack on her, it could be very helpful in the long run. Just be careful, as these kinds of discussions, with all of the emotions that are involved, can get out of hand. However, if you go into it with a plan to stay calm, and to really listen to what she has to say, you will most likely come out of it feeling much better and stronger in your relationship.

Trust me....communication is the key....I have very little in my M, and I understand how rough things can be without it.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 20th September 2007, 5:37 AM   #5
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Thanks for the replies.

We have talked a good bit about this already over the last 2-3 months and most of the time its calm discussion, I would never say hurtful things even in the heat of an argument.

I have asked whether she is attracted to me and it is always 'Of course I am, do you think I could make love to someone that I am not attracted to!'

When I ask about whether she is attracted to anyone at work, I even mention the guys name and she says 'He is good looking but I am not attracted to him'

I know this is not true, I know that she does love me and I know she's not having a physical affair, but I am sure that there is plenty of flirting and tension that could lead to something at an opportune time.

I just don't know how to get her to open up to me and talk honestly about it.

And your probably right Cobra that its the cockiness that is an attraction as I am quite a quiet person, although I would be the one in our relationship to take the lead.
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Old 20th September 2007, 6:55 AM   #6
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She's gonna F*** him.

Pre empt her buy handing her seperation papers and wish her and the OM luck in their new life. He's gonna need it.

lol.

Seriously, I aint joking, get down to the courthouse today!
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Old 20th September 2007, 7:28 AM   #7
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I have been thinking also about the white lies that my W tells usually insignificant things that make her look better. I have always been really bugged by this as I don't understand why she needs to do this, as I am honest to a fault sometimes.

But although I have never really caught her telling me significant lies, I know she probably would. I know that she is not telling me the truth about her feelings and some actions lately, like the reason she started wearing make up to work (until I questioned her motives then she stopped) and why she is interested all of a sudden in losing weight.

I can't prove any of the lies or motives for these things and its really frustrating.

I have been reading about how people lie, why they lie, how to detect them etc, but when you know motives given are false and your being deceived, but don't have proof, what you do?

If you ask, you are just alerting the person to be more discreet, if you don't talk about it, it just eats you up!

Accusing her of being a liar is just going to cause rows and make her defensive

I don't want to make it seem like she is a compulsive liar, as everyone tells lies from time to time especially when we may get into trouble or to avoid hurting someones feelings, its just that I can't trust her fully because of the lies.

I have already discussed this with the W and she has promised to be more honest, but when it comes to the crunch I don't think I will get the whole truth.

Can you live with someone you love and you know loves you, and just accept the flaws, after all we all have flaws.
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Old 20th September 2007, 7:29 AM   #8
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Old 20th September 2007, 7:35 AM   #9
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Chrome Barracuda, I don't even know that the other guy even fancies my W.

He is quite young, has a more attractive girlfriend, there are other more attractive women in the office etc.

It could all be just an infatuation that my W has in her head and is distratcted by it.

They have no contact outside of work or anything like that
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Old 20th September 2007, 8:19 AM   #10
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Buddy, it appears you might have some serious trust issues, going all the way back to the time in the car when you were teenagers.

Look, she said she finds you attractive, and said she's not interested in anyone else. You also wonder "can you live with someone you know loves you"? Helloooooo? Anybody in there?

Until you're handed clear-cut proof of some funny business happening, get back to being a loving husband. Take it from me, being suspicious is so unattractive.

Relax. Find something else to do besides examining every syllable your wife utters.
When you are interesting, and you are happy, the people around you will be happy too.
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Old 20th September 2007, 9:31 AM   #11
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Frequent Flyer you are right I maybe have some trust/insecurity issues and of course I can live with someone who loves me, I would never give up what I have, maybe even if she did make a mistake.

I think you got mixed up with the car thing, there was no issue there.

Yes maybe I am over analyzing things at the minute, but I don't think you can ignore gut feelings about intuitions that you sometimes get.

We have been married 11years without anything like this cropping up.

You're also right that suspicious is not attractive, but when you know that the W is no longer attracted to you and it seems that she is distracted by a shiny new toy, its only natural to worry and to want to get to the bottom of it.
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Old 20th September 2007, 9:32 AM   #12
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My point of view comes from my past - being the bad cheater. I see more red flags than others, because I was often where your wife is now. She may not have actually followed through with anything, but I know the "too busy to have lunch with you/late from work/lying/lack of sex/missing important family milestones" routine. Its what you do when you set your sights on someone else and you want to test the waters without losing what you already have.

I'm not sure why you would be concerned with whether or not she actually f*cks him. Its bad enough that she has turned her back on your emotionally in favor of him. Even if she never actually does the deed - she has shifted the focus of her attraction, attention, and emotional investment to him, and while he gets the good stuff, you get the sulking, the lies, the "late for work/can't make lunch" excuses. She is obviously prioritizing him over you, regardless of whether or not they are actually having a physical affair.

Quote:
I know she's not having an affair as she wouldn't have the time
Do not ever underestimate the lengths people will go to have an affair if they want one. Trust me on this one... when people have affairs, they make time. Whether it be a stolen fifteen minutes here at work, some lunch break time, some after work lingering, emails, phone calls, etc. When I was cheating around back in the bad old days, I always found time... ALWAYS. If I wanted it bad enough, there was always some time for it. Maybe not much, but...

I guess what I'm saying is that she may or may not be having an affair, but her heart is certainly in it, and that is bad enough on its own. You have to ask yourself if you want to stay married under these circumstances, where you have a wife who stays with you but wants someone else. If its not him, it will be someone else.

You'll need to target what it is that led her mind astray before it gets to the point where her body and her heart follows suit.
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Old 20th September 2007, 10:31 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by fxj05 View Post
Frequent Flyer you are right I maybe have some trust/insecurity issues and of course I can live with someone who loves me, I would never give up what I have, maybe even if she did make a mistake.

I think you got mixed up with the car thing, there was no issue there.

Yes maybe I am over analyzing things at the minute, but I don't think you can ignore gut feelings about intuitions that you sometimes get.

We have been married 11years without anything like this cropping up.

You're also right that suspicious is not attractive, but when you know that the W is no longer attracted to you and it seems that she is distracted by a shiny new toy, its only natural to worry and to want to get to the bottom of it.
LB is correct in her assesment here. From what you are saying it sounds like your W is beginning to get into an emotional affair.

Dont think this other guy wont be interested because he has a GF or because he could get more attractive girls... ect. You know men just as well as I do, he could be attracted to the competative element and your W is just low hanging fruit.

If this were me I would call her on the carpet based on the things I see and feel, then I would literally tell her to stop and work on the marriage with me... or leave immediately!

I'm not sure what is the best way to go about fixing this situation, but I believe an honest discussion with her is in order.

I feel for what your going through! Be strong, she will respect that strength!
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Old 20th September 2007, 11:05 AM   #14
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LB I appreciate your perspective, sometimes when people keep denying things and others tell you you're imagining it you start to doubt yourself.

I love my wife and I'm sure we can work through things eventually. My own parents went through something similar, were one thought the other was having an affair. It took along time but they are now in their late 60's and happy.

I know my wife loves me and would never leave as we have invested too much in each other. She still looks up to me to be there for her and would be devestated if we seperated.

We were young when we had our first child, I was 19 she was 21. We had planned to get married when I was 21 and had everything organized.

I broke it off 6months before the wedding as I felt trapped and we seperated, she was more ready than me. We eventually got back after a bit of single time and got married shortly after.

I hope its just a phase shes going through as we all have times when we love our partners more or less.

Cobra, I have already had that discussion were I broke down and she apologised for neglecting me, without admitting to anything in particular. I know I didn't get the whole story and said so, I also told her not to reply because I would rather not hear any more lies.

I just don't know whether a talk like that can make the W alter her feelings! Sure she can alter her actions, which she appears to have done, but is it more secrecy or genuine? I suppose only time and vigilence will tell.

Can someone change their feelings just like that because they are hurting a loved one, especially if they are seeing the OM everyday?
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Old 20th September 2007, 11:26 AM   #15
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Yes, it can and will change her feelings. The moment she realizes how serious the situation is with you then her feelings will start to change.

There is a certain part of her that wants you to fight for her. To show that you want her and that you are strong and confident enough to stand up and demand that!

If she thinks... maybe I can have both... or wants to test the waters with someone else... she will string you on like this.

If she wants to feel attractive and needs attention let her know its from you OR somebody else... not both. It's choose or lose time.
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