zoilababy Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 I've been married for over 7 yrs now and have two small children. my husband is 43 and i'm 38. here's the problem...he rather spend time with his friends than his family. He left me pregnant and with a 13 month old son to go skiing for a w/e. after the baby was born he left me with both kids to to atlantic city with his friends. he left me a whole week with the two kids to go to vermont to skii with his friends. his nephew's 21 bday and away he was for the w/e. a bachelor party and he wanted to go away for the w/e. i said no so he just stayed the night. this doesnt include the the overnights at atlantic city to fuel his poker addiction. i dont know what to do anymore. we've both been married before. he has an 19 yr old daughter from his first marriage that he hasnt seen since 2002. Advice?? and yes we've been to therapy ...with our church pastor. that really hasnt worked. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 I've been married for over 7 yrs now and have two small children. my husband is 43 and i'm 38. here's the problem...he rather spend time with his friends than his family. He left me pregnant and with a 13 month old son to go skiing for a w/e. after the baby was born he left me with both kids to to atlantic city with his friends. he left me a whole week with the two kids to go to vermont to skii with his friends. his nephew's 21 bday and away he was for the w/e. a bachelor party and he wanted to go away for the w/e. i said no so he just stayed the night. this doesnt include the the overnights at atlantic city to fuel his poker addiction. i dont know what to do anymore. we've both been married before. he has an 19 yr old daughter from his first marriage that he hasnt seen since 2002. Advice?? and yes we've been to therapy ...with our church pastor. that really hasnt worked. One last chance... put your foot down... He's no longer single... he's got responsibilities just like you do... so he's got to live with it. Have a talk and tell him that, unless he changes and acts like a married, responsible father, you will have no alternative but to kick him to the curb... period... And once that's said... stick to your ultimatum. You have already allowed him to go too far and live his life as a single guy...you should have put the brakes after the 2nd trip... but it's not too late. Be strong... so he won't 'abuse' you anymore... because I see this as a kind of abuse.. and disrespect... he doesn't see to give a 'hoot' about you... Link to post Share on other sites
CynicalP Posted August 22, 2007 Share Posted August 22, 2007 Sounds like he doesn't want to be married to you anymore and is only going thru the motions to maintain the illusion of a relationship. Ask him point blank what does he want out of the relationship and why is he still in the picture when his behavior and actions all indicate he wants to be anywhere else than to be with you and the kids. If he is honest with both you and himself he will come to the conclusion that he would be happier maintaining a single lifestyle with a part time companion of convience. Ultimately he is fooling himself and wasting your time. The man is very selfish and has issues with commitment and responsibilities. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zoilababy Posted August 23, 2007 Author Share Posted August 23, 2007 Sounds like he doesn't want to be married to you anymore and is only going thru the motions to maintain the illusion of a relationship. Ask him point blank what does he want out of the relationship and why is he still in the picture when his behavior and actions all indicate he wants to be anywhere else than to be with you and the kids. If he is honest with both you and himself he will come to the conclusion that he would be happier maintaining a single lifestyle with a part time companion of convience. Ultimately he is fooling himself and wasting your time. The man is very selfish and has issues with commitment and responsibilities. we were on the brink of divorce two years ago. but he told me he didnt want to be known as the guy who's left two marriages with kids and i told him that wasnt a good reason to stay in a marriage. so we began working on it. but it just looks like his old self. it almost feels like he's doing me a favor...in fact it just came to mind that in our last argument two weeks ago he said that last year's bachelor party he did me the favor of coming back saturday morning instead of staying the entire w/e with his friend. then last night when i brought up what he said he recanted and said it was wrong of him to say that. i feel kind of lost here. Link to post Share on other sites
CynicalP Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 we were on the brink of divorce two years ago. but he told me he didnt want to be known as the guy who's left two marriages with kids and i told him that wasnt a good reason to stay in a marriage. so we began working on it. but it just looks like his old self. it almost feels like he's doing me a favor...in fact it just came to mind that in our last argument two weeks ago he said that last year's bachelor party he did me the favor of coming back saturday morning instead of staying the entire w/e with his friend. then last night when i brought up what he said he recanted and said it was wrong of him to say that. i feel kind of lost here. I think you deserve better and as Lizze60 said he is totally disrespecting you as a partner and a person not to mention he is a total failure as a father figure. He really doesnt sound a like person who wants to be in a commited relationship and would rather be off doing his own thing. If he doesn't even see a problem with his attitude or behavior toward you and the kids I doubt any amount of therapy or arguing will convince him otherwise. If you have any close female friends or a sister(s) discuss the matter with them and decide your course of action if any. Best of luck to you and your little ones. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 He shouldn't be doing what he is unless your okay with it and your not. I'd decide if I could life with his behavior because he doesn't sound like he's willing to change. Just does enough to shut you up and then fall back into old patterns. Either way I wouldn't put up with his crap. Unacceptable and if he wants the single life then he should do it when he's single. Not while he's in a committed relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
FrequentFlyer Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 You wrote that you have two small children, but it sounds like you actually have three. Are you his mommy now? Put your foot down. This is supposed to be a partnership. Tell him you have an appointment with a lawyer next week. Stop making/accepting excuses. Is this "the life" you've always dreamed of? Sorry, I know it's harsh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zoilababy Posted August 24, 2007 Author Share Posted August 24, 2007 not harsh at all...i just feel very sad bc in all we've been together for over 12 yrs. i just think he does and doesnt want to be married. i dotn think he really knows what he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 not harsh at all...i just feel very sad bc in all we've been together for over 12 yrs. i just think he does and doesnt want to be married. i dotn think he really knows what he wants. See... it's all about him... what HE wants.... In the meantime, you are doing what??? Come on.. .you need to put your foot down... this is irresponsible behaviour, he's a dad and a husband now... not single anymore... shheeesh. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 I know this isn't the popular view but why isn't he allowed to have friends and have his own life? It's not like he's cheating on you or anything. So when a man gets married he can no longer do things with his friends? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 I know this isn't the popular view but why isn't he allowed to have friends and have his own life? It's not like he's cheating on you or anything. So when a man gets married he can no longer do things with his friends? Ofcourse he's allowed to have his own life, do things with his friends...But, not ALL the time. It sounds like every weekend he's left his wife and child to go have fun with his buddies! Everyone deserves and needs time to be themselves without being a husband/wife, father/mother...It's a give/take situation and a compromise. Maybe he needs to put his wife first for a little while, focus on their marriage, spending time with his family and bonding instead of leaving them alone so much. This isn't right and he's out and about TOO much. Link to post Share on other sites
Cerise Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 I know this isn't the popular view but why isn't he allowed to have friends and have his own life? It's not like he's cheating on you or anything. So when a man gets married he can no longer do things with his friends? I agree with you but it has to work in some form of balance, and I think the bigger problem is how he makes her feel about it. Do you get to got out with your friends while he stays at home with the kids? and if not then maybe you should, not only will it be good for you but then there is more balance and understanding on both parts. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 I know this isn't the popular view but why isn't he allowed to have friends and have his own life? It's not like he's cheating on you or anything. So when a man gets married he can no longer do things with his friends? He can have friends. But I don't think a married man should be taking weekend trips and bachelor weekends at that without his wife. And a week long vacation without his wife? It's wholly inappropriate. I'd give him an ultimatum. Either that, or (and I know this will be unpopular) I'd start doing the same thing. I'd leave him with the kids and leave. Let him see what it's like. Tell him for every trip he takes, you're taking one. And if doesn't like that, he better stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 I go to NYC all the time for a weekend without my wife and she is fine with it. When spouses are allowed their own life and freedom it is good for a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 I agree with Touche'. Unless its strictly business, I don't see how or why he should be leaving the family like that on weekends, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 I go to NYC all the time for a weekend without my wife and she is fine with it. When spouses are allowed their own life and freedom it is good for a marriage. And are you OK with her going away as often as you go away, without you? That is, if she does go... Also, when you have children, let alone a BABY, I doubt very much your wife will appreciate you taking off with your single buddies for weekend and week long get aways, gambling, drinking and partying it up while she's at home tending to your child. SURE, once in a while it's great, but not ALL the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 I go to NYC all the time for a weekend without my wife and she is fine with it. When spouses are allowed their own life and freedom it is good for a marriage. How many kids do you and your wife have, Woggle? Just curious. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 I go to NYC all the time for a weekend without my wife and she is fine with it. When spouses are allowed their own life and freedom it is good for a marriage. No, it's good for SOME marriages. If one party is unhappy with it, it's not good for the marriage. Where's the compromise here? If both parties have no problem with it, THEN and only then is it good for the marriage. My H and I wouldn't be fine with that at all. He wouldn't like it if I did it and I wouldn't like it if he did it. And neither one of us has ever, in over 12 years together, taken a separate vacation or overnight getaway of any kind. It wouldn't be good for our marriage since we both find it unacceptable. You really gotta stop with the generalities there, Wog. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 This is why so many people feel trapped in marriages. I don't think that a ring means that spouses should have to be attached at the hip and always do everything together no matter what. There would be much less divorce if people were allowed to breathe in marriage. For the record my wife stays overnight at Atlantic City with her friends and I don't mind at all. I get bored within the first 5 minutes of gambling so it is better if I do not go. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 This is why so many people feel trapped in marriages. I don't think that a ring means that spouses should have to be attached at the hip and always do everything together no matter what. There would be much less divorce if people were allowed to breathe in marriage. For the record my wife stays overnight at Atlantic City with her friends and I don't mind at all. I get bored within the first 5 minutes of gambling so it is better if I do not go. Neither one of us has ever felt trapped. We are not attached at the hip and do get to "breathe." We just don't take separate vacations. We wouldn't be happy if the other person wasn't with us to share the experience. But that's just us. I don't put down couples who need separate overnight getaways. It's just not for us. We don't need overnight breaks from each other. A few hours here and there is more than enough for us. That's great that you're both fine with it. I'm just saying that we aren't. It wouldn't make us happy to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zoilababy Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 I know this isn't the popular view but why isn't he allowed to have friends and have his own life? It's not like he's cheating on you or anything. So when a man gets married he can no longer do things with his friends? that's not my stance at all. ofcourse he's allowed to spend time with friends...that is not point at all. he says he does me a favor by spending time with instead of going to a bachelor party...wtf?????? Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 This is the sort of prenup I could get wholly behind. Negotiating ahead of time each other's needs and willingness to compromise...there really isn't a pat answer on the right or wrong here. It's a matter of what is worked out between them as a couple... Link to post Share on other sites
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