Zapbasket Posted August 18, 2007 Share Posted August 18, 2007 What do you think about yelling in relationships? I didn't start out this way with my partner, but after several years of trying to encourage him to communicate with me more, my fuse shortened and I yelled at him a lot. At times I said some insulting things, too. When he broke up with me, he said, "I want to be with you forever, but I can't.... You're an arguing person, and I'm a non-arguing person." The next day, when I confronted him in person (he broke up with me over the phone), he said he thought I needed anger management. In my view it wasn't quite so black-and-white, but my conscience pulled at me and still does because I know towards the very end, I became a screaming banshee. His stonewalling terrified me. I've brought this up with people IRL and have heard things ranging from, "Well, that's what happens in relationships, even the most well-meaning people get angry and don't always express it in the most constructive ways," to "Everyone has a personal cut-off point and your actions made him reach his--that's neither right nor wrong, just people's personal comfort levels with certain emotional dynamics." I'm curious what others think. Is yelling a dealbreaker, even if it arises out of some of the dynamics of the relationship? Does it matter what sex the "yeller" is? Link to post Share on other sites
corazoncito Posted August 18, 2007 Share Posted August 18, 2007 Yelling in anger and frustration is a sign the relationship is not healthy. I guess for some people it's acceptable, but for me, it's not ok to yell at my partner, nor is it ok to be yelled at. It may happen now and then, but shouldn't become a pattern. If you are getting that angry, you should separate yourself from the situation until you are calm enough to have a constructive discussion. If you consistently can't do that, then there is something really wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zapbasket Posted August 19, 2007 Author Share Posted August 19, 2007 Though the occasional blow-up doesn't scream relationship trouble to me, yelling isn't okay with me either. That's why I'm confused as to why I devolved into a yeller in my relationship that ended this past December. Which is to say: why I LET MYSELF devolve into a yeller. Towards the very end, he'd become such a good stonewaller that I said things to bait him to anger as I felt that would be preferable to his silence and might enable us to air out some resentments. I knew it was wrong but I was overcome with fear. All this tactic achieved was yet firmer stonewalling. I don't know. I've never yelled at any of my friends, but I have had terrible screaming matches over the years with my mom. I just wonder if yelling out of hurt and frustration is un-forgiveable. And once a pattern of yelling creeps into the relationship, what can be done to break the pattern? Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 You yelled because you was being ignored! You both communicated in very different ways. You wanted to talk and he waned to ignore. You spoke, he ignored, you got angry and in the end you shouted loud to get a reaction. He didnt like it so he ended the relationship. Neither of you were wrong you were just unsuited! Let go of any guilt, you are not nasty, you just need to be with someone who will discuss things with you and not ignore you! Link to post Share on other sites
tinke Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 greencove, i look at silence as a form of abuse, don't be hard on yourself..you were looking for some reaction from him..something!!! please don't continue to blame yourself for the break-up, it takes two people working at a relationship(i believe on a daily basis). honestly, if was i that was on the receiving end, and this yelling was not the norm..i would question what is going on. obviously it was a sign of frustration. curious...did you ever send him the letter? hope you are doing well. take care Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zapbasket Posted August 19, 2007 Author Share Posted August 19, 2007 Lishy--Funny, he said the same thing to me in an e-mail in June '05: "The thing is, we communicate in very different ways. Most of the time we communicate well and are on the same wave length; sometimes, however, our communication breaks down. Not sure what it is, but it feels like it's been there for a long time. I'm not particularly bothered by it, but the fact that I can't respond to you the way you need me to (which consequently creates stress) is somethign that does bother me. So, I don't know what to say." You did a very accurate job of summing up the trajectory of our relationship! It became very much a Pursuer-Distancer dynamic. Tinke, I agree with you that stonewalling is just as bad as yelling. Last November, when we had a really awful argument (I basically lost it out in the middle of the road, started sobbing, he tried to walk away, I grabbed his backpack so he couldn't, and the whole thing was so upsetting and terrifying to me that I started to cry and ran down the road, and threw some coupons my mom had given him out into the bushes and kept sobbing. He didn't come after me. He retrieved the coupons and went back to my mom's house), he sat at a jigsaw puzzle and refused either to look at or speak to me, and I was begging him please to talk, and I said, "You know, stonewalling is just screaming on the inside; it's no worse than my yelling!" I feel awful for that whole incident, though. It was after that incident that he said, "I can't handle you." And no, didn't write the letter. Almost did, but then felt this sense of futility, and sank into a real depression. It lasted all week. I do feel a little better today. I'm on the fence still, but for the time being I'm not going to write. I feel like for now the only "power" I have is in my silence; he probably thought I'd never go away and I did. I'll still struggle with this for a while, I know. Thanks for asking--hope you're doing okay, too. You sounded much better earlier this week when you posted. Link to post Share on other sites
tinke Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 been thinking of you G.C., glad to hear you're doing a bit better today. i don't know if you believe in a higher power, but at times, i just surrender, and believe there is a reason. i am doing ok..better, still healing. still hurts!!!! take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 To be honest I think your relationship with him is best left where it is now hon! He will never be a talker and he will never meet anyone who will put up with his silence! Move on and meet someone who will nourish you and not punish you! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 No, yelling or throwing out personal property of your b/fs, is not acceptable behaviour. If someone won't discuss issues, you ignore them until they approach you. If this is consistent behaviour with them, they are attempting to control you so it's up to you to decide whether you're willing to put up with bad behaviour. I would not stay with someone who yelled or screamed or threw out personal property. It would freak me out wondering if later on, it might escalate to more physical attacks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zapbasket Posted August 19, 2007 Author Share Posted August 19, 2007 I know, Trialbyfire, and I really feel awful about it. It wasn't typical behavior for me. I just felt absolutely desperate by that point. Is it ever forgiveable to have a meltdown that expresses itself in the way mine did? If someone won't discuss issues, you ignore them until they approach you. lol if I'd done that, I'd have ignored him right out of the relationship. The problem is that he would NEVER approach me about problems. If this is consistent behaviour with them, they are attempting to control you so it's up to you to decide whether you're willing to put up with bad behaviour. Can you explain what you mean about distancers trying to control their partner? Is it that if they're silent, it forces their partner to have to keep coming to them? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 GC, you need to read my thread about passive-aggressive personality types. I'll bet you will find behaviours you can relate to. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=126877 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zapbasket Posted August 19, 2007 Author Share Posted August 19, 2007 Lishy, this is awful and small of me to admit, but I hope you're right: He will never be a talker and he will never meet anyone who will put up with his silence! A part of me wants the best for him, but another part of me, not entirely separate from the other part, hopes he has one day to come to terms with his communication difficulties. I can't imagine that it's just with ME that he would ever have these difficulties. Tinke, thanks. I'm glad you're on the mend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zapbasket Posted August 19, 2007 Author Share Posted August 19, 2007 GC, you need to read my thread about passive-aggressive personality types. I'll bet you will find behaviours you can relate to. Oooh, the dilemma described sounds all too familiar! I just read the first page. I'm going to read the whole thread; yours is a question I'd asked inside my head for years with my partner. I wish I'd had this discussion with you 5 years ago . Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 There was so much excellent information provided by LS members. It helped me a lot in understanding passive-aggressive behaviour and with any decision-making associated to the P-A. Link to post Share on other sites
VIP Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 Yelling is ok with some people, and not ok with others. Some people are very emotional, and this is just part of their nature. Usually yelling woman looks a lot worth, than a yelling man. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 Green you only yelled because he ignored you! When you are ignored and given the silent treatment you naturally go on the defense hon. You are not a bad person. IMO you did nothing different to many women in that position! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 When a woman starts yelling and screaming a man will naturally shut down. Do women actually think that this works? Do they actually think a man will want to open up to a screaming banshee that is a nightmare to be around? After a while a man just starts tuning a woman out. Why acan't women every be comfortable with content silence and quiet? Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 When a woman starts yelling and screaming a man will naturally shut down. Do women actually think that this works? Do they actually think a man will want to open up to a screaming banshee that is a nightmare to be around? After a while a man just starts tuning a woman out. Why acan't women every be comfortable with content silence and quiet? You are missing the point Woggle. She shouted BECAUSE he constantly ignored her over a period of years! How can you sort out a problem with someone who is ignoring you? SHe didn't scream and make him go silent, he did that all by himself and he just expected her to put up with it. Would YOU put up with that behaviour? Would you accept being ignored? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 You are missing the point Woggle. She shouted BECAUSE he constantly ignored her over a period of years! How can you sort out a problem with someone who is ignoring you? SHe did scream and make him go silent, he did that all by himself and he just expected her to put up with it. Would YOU put up with that behaviour? Would you accept being ignored? I wouldn't want to be ignored but I would also know that if I nagged and screamed at my wife all the time and was a miserable person to be around then she would probably ignore me. Nagging just sounds like background noise to most men. It's like Charlie Brown's teacher. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 Would YOU put up with that behaviour? Would you accept being ignored? Nope. I would try every other method besides yelling or physical violence and then walk away from that behaviour. Two wrongs don't make a right. Link to post Share on other sites
corazoncito Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 This is a cross-gender issue. I'm a woman and I don't appreciate having a man yell at me to get his way. It's seflish, childish, disrespectful and abusive. I had a bf who used to scream, call me names, and throw my things around when he was frustrated. I dumped his ass. I let him know I was done and had no intentions to communicate with him ever again. I felt no guilt for that, just relief. This was about 10 years ago and I still feel good about the decision. His behavior was outrageous and killed all compassion or good feelings toward him. I do understand on an emotional level how you can be driven to yell and do out of control things when you are really frustrated. However, at a rational level, you have to realize that if that abusive and disrespectful behavior is becoming a pattern, there is something terribly wrong with your communication with your partner. If two people in a relationship aren't willing to work together to solve the problem, there is a clear incompatibility issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 The bottom line for me in all of this is that you're incompatible. Your styles of communication are too different. My ex was a screamer and a yeller. I can't live that way. I can't be with someone with whom I can't have a reasonable discussion that doesn't involve yelling. On the other hand, I can certainly understand your frustration. But he is the way he is. Compatible styles of communication and temperament are a huge deal in a successful relationship - one that is very much overlooked and underestimated by many in starting a relationship, IMO. It's right up there with common values, goals, mutual attraction, honesty and all the other qualities that most of us look for in a mate. Link to post Share on other sites
corazoncito Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 She shouted BECAUSE he constantly ignored her over a period of years! How can you sort out a problem with someone who is ignoring you? SHe didn't scream and make him go silent, he did that all by himself and he just expected her to put up with it. Would YOU put up with that behaviour? Would you accept being ignored? You can't sort out a problem with someone who won't discuss it with you. But the solution isn't to devolve into an angry, out of control person who drives BOTH people in the relationship nuts. It doesn't take years to figure out that you just can't communicate with someone who consistently ignores you. If your needs aren't being met and the other person has made it clear that they won't give you what you need, it's time to walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 Ok so you are still missing the point. He dealt with a problem by going silent and ignoring her. He didnt nag and scream he just chose to ignore her. She shouted - It doesnt make it right, shouted and yelling is never right, but her reasons were sound as she was so frustrated. They should not be together, and they are not. But she wasnt being abusive by nature, she was reacting. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 I had a boyfriend who shouted and screamed and called me names and occasionally threw stuff at the floor. It was vile and uncalled for. He told me he did this as he could not win an argument with me! I am now with a guy who goes quiet and takes time out when he is upset and to be honest I prefer this to the shouting and screaming. Link to post Share on other sites
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