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I think my husband is gay, but won't admit it.


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Old 11th August 2007, 8:53 AM   #1
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I think my husband is gay, but won't admit it.

I wrote a post before, a few months ago, pretty much on this same subject. But it keeps on getting even more evident to me that I think my husband is gay. We started dating in college. He was very caring and considerate (of course we were only 18). I feel head over heels for him and he seemed the same for me. We got married 2 years after we met. Well, here we are 24 years later and the caring and considerate are pretty much a thing of the past, but thats beside the subject. Our sex life is really infrequent. Now, he has been to the doctor and has a low testerone level. OK, fine. BUT! Guess what? I am here too, with a healthy sex drive. Yes, I could take care of myself, but why should I always have to. I feel if there was enough intimacy between us, he would care enough about how I am feeling sexually and want to at least please me in some way. Ok, his reasoning on that is, if he doesn't want it or show that he is getting turned on, I will be disappointed and angry at him, for him not getting turned on by me. Yes, I am disappointed, but hey, I would like for him to at least try something.

OK, here is where my suspicions come in. A little history. When we were in college, some guy approached him in a gas station and asked about his penis size. He came to my house at the time and cried his eyes out, all upset and would never talk about it again after that. All through the years he gets rock hard at the sight of naked men on any kind of tv situation. I have recently caught him in the history of our computer, looking at gay men sites. At that point I asked him about it. Of course, looking at sex sites on the computer means masterbation to me. He said he was unhappy with with way he looked and he wanted to just see how it would be to look like them. WTF?!!! Masterbation on his part would be ok with me, IF I WAS GETTING WHAT I WANTED!!!! OK, now I have described the past 24 years. This is last evening. My daughter has gay male friends, that are just like one of the girls. She has two of them befriended recently. They are very nice, anyways, we allowed her to have one of them over last night, with another girl and they had a sleepover. OK, my husband has been very “interested” and is asking about the gay friends of my daughter’s (like is she going to see them, so does he like another one of my daughter’s gay friends and etc). He has not been that interested in her real girl friends ever. OK, even my daughter thinks this is strange. So last night the kids were having fun, they were in the other room and lo and behold. Ding, my husband was ready for sex. A coicidence? I decided to ask him for, from the back sex, which he always says no!!! because, i.e. My hips hurt (he has a multitude of physical problems, in which he uses, when he seems to conveniently want to get out stuff, like back surgery, hips hurt, eyes hurt etc etc) He was ready and willing last night. It almost made me sick, when we were doing it, because I wondered if he was fantisizing about men.

I have even asked him, when I caught him looking at the gay sites a few months ago, if he was gay, outright, he said, oh no!!! We have had many arguments about his lack of interest in me and my body. But, I willl also say, he was accused in high school of being gay, he watches lifetime tv for women. One night when my daughter stayed up very late, she witnessed him watching logo with men kissing on that gay channel, he was very into it. We watched Brokeback Mountain, which I really had a BIG PROBLEM with the sex scenes, I just couldn't stand it, I looked over at him and he didn't even flinch. He sings in a very high pitched voice. I will also mention the unmentionable, he has a small penis. He is very bossy when it comes to decisions in our household and is very lazy when it comes to housework and working on our marriage.

In all this, I just don't know what to do. I can't make him admit this, but I strongly suspect it. We have been to councelling, my daughter even told the councelor she wonders about him and his feminine tendancies. I also did the same. The councelling was not helping, so we just kind of quit going. I mean, if he is gay, I don't want to stay in this marriage. There is a whole world out there for me to experience. I have only had sex with one guy, that is my husband. So why should I settle for this. I just don't even know what to do. If we part, the living situation would probably be bad for me.

Any advice???? Thanks.
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Old 11th August 2007, 9:28 AM   #2
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It sounds like you are fighting a losing battle. Even if he isn't gay, I'm not sure why you would want to stay married. His behaviors, gay or not aren't going to change, and neither are your reactions to his behaviors - which I'm sure frustrate him as much as his frustrate you. Usually I will suggest trying to work it out through counseling, etc - but it sounds like the problems outweigh the possibility of solution. Have you and he discussed divorce? An amicable divorce would leave you both with a greater chance at happiness I think than any amount of counseling. Sometimes two people just aren't meant to be together. Perhaps this is the case here.
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Old 11th August 2007, 10:21 AM   #3
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I know...

As time goes by, I think its a loosing battle also. I have even thought about divorce and I don't even cry anymore when I think about it. Pretty bad. The reasons why I haven't is because I have a daughter, I am afraid our living conditions would be bad if we parted. Also, the scenero might be that we live with my parents, which would be hell on earth. So that is pretty much why I haven't pursued it.

I don't know...
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Old 11th August 2007, 10:31 AM   #4
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I couldnt imagine myself in a relationship/marriage with someone that I thought could possible be gay. Just this thought alone would cause be to run like hell. Secondly, I could not be with someone that did not want me sexually because then I would start questioning what is wrong with me. I admire you if you have stayed with this man for as long as you have living with your doubts. It sounds very probable that he is but wont come out with it because of everyones reaction to such may destroy him, family members ect. This would be a reason counsling has not helped, it is only there and helpful if the person is willing to be truthful.

I am sorry that you are lost with what you should do, but you need to do some real soul searching and find out what makes you happy and if you can continue with this marriage as is, living with your doubts and sexual frustrations. I have always been a firm believer that your happiness is most important in any relationship, not saying that there are not daily struggles but if you are not happy and have not been and you can not continue this way, then get out because life is to short.
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Old 11th August 2007, 11:13 AM   #5
 
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A friend of mine is going through the very same thing and has been for years with her husband. She seems to think it's been since they had their daughter and that freaked him from her.

It takes a toll on her. She feels undesirable to him and it's effecting her own esteem. She hasn't had sex w/ her husband in over a year!

In a way I think it would be very good for the two of you to separate. If you guys take a break from your marriage then you will be free to see what you have been missing and he'd be free to pursue what it is that makes him happy.

Sex is very important. And intimacy is the best! I don't see how couples can sacrifice one of the best parts of a relationship.
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Old 11th August 2007, 11:49 AM   #6
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Thanks everyone.

Well, I just spilled my guts to him this morning. He swears up and down he is not gay. He also told me that he is not willing to work on our marriage anymore, because he will always know what I really think about him. So now he says he is ready to part. I am not crying right now, which shocks the crap out of me. But I am really scared. This will rock my whole world and my daughters too.
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Old 11th August 2007, 12:00 PM   #7
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I'm sorry that he has chosen not to work on the marriage. But, I bet once he calms down and understands WHY you feel he might be gay, or at best, bi-sexual, maybe he'll think about going to marriage counselling with you. Until then, a trial separation (don't make ANY major decisions right now, it's too soon) might be best.

You both can be wonderful and loving parents to your daughters - Just not in the same house.

Sorry again that this is happening to you.
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Old 11th August 2007, 12:06 PM   #8
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Thanks

I really don't know what will happen, either we will stay in this marriage and not talk much, or part and see what happens. All I know is, I don't feel so good.
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Old 11th August 2007, 12:06 PM   #9
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You said there was some indication that he was gay back in college. Why did you marry him despite this fact (if it is the case)?

I will say this, not to alarm you, but to give you a reality check. I have a co-worker who was unwilling to come to terms with the fact that her boyfriend of 12 years was gay. That is, until she found out she was HIV positive. This is not to say all men who are gay have HIV/AIDS, but the last thing you want is for you husband to start experimenting with the wrong individual because he is hiding it. Get to the bottom of things for your own sake.
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Old 11th August 2007, 12:13 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
I'm sorry that he has chosen not to work on the marriage. But, I bet once he calms down and understands WHY you feel he might be gay, or at best, bi-sexual, maybe he'll think about going to marriage counselling with you. Until then, a trial separation (don't make ANY major decisions right now, it's too soon) might be best.

You both can be wonderful and loving parents to your daughters - Just not in the same house.



Sorry again that this is happening to you.
A trial separation would be beneficial for all concerned. You've been married far too long to question your husband's sexual orientation. You deserve a chance at happiness, as does your conflicted husband.

Separate and create a two household family. It can be done: my ex and I are doing it. (No, I'm not Gay, "not that there's anything wrong with that").

Your kids will survive and adapt.

Take care of yourself, first.
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Old 11th August 2007, 12:15 PM   #11
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It must be such an awful situation. It will get better with time. Your husband's behavior is very odd. He may not be willing to admit it because it would impact him negatively in the divorce settlement-- but he figures you'll eventually want to split. Now he has a reason for why he wants to leave and it makes you look like the bad guy. Hang tight. If you have a few close friends that you can confide in, see if they are willing to take turns following him. It may sound sneaky, but under the circumstances you must protect yourself and your daughter. If you catch him-- the divorce will go in your favor. It sounds like you need it to.
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Old 12th August 2007, 10:23 AM   #12
 
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Sexual abandonment is grounds for divorce. As is emotional abandonment, meaning he won't even discuss it with you.

If I were you I'd retain a good family law attorney ASAP. This way if you have questions or become overwhelmed by the reality of it all you will have someone you can speak to and guide your actions.

Hopefully you will work it out with your husband through separation. But it's good to cover your ass if it doesn't go that way.

Good luck to you!
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Old 12th August 2007, 3:21 PM   #13
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He is OBVIOUSLY gay. I've had some experience being involved with guys who turned out to be gay, and your husband has all the red flags and then some. Doesn't matter that he denies it. I know how terrible it feels to be in this situation. The feeling of betrayal is very hard to overcome. But it's best to just get out of this marriage as soon as you can. You can try and try but it will never work.
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Old 12th August 2007, 8:12 PM   #14
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Sounds gay to me too, but maybe he isn't willing to admit it to himself, much less you.

Starting over isn't easy but change can be good.

Your daughters deserve to see their mother in a caring, loving relationship. You can still be a good parent even if you are divorced.

On the bright side.....maybe you'll find someone who has a bigger penis and you can be satisfied sexually.

Good luck to you.

Sometimes the things that seem really hard to do end up being a blessing in disguise.
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Old 12th August 2007, 8:28 PM   #15
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I don't see anything gay here you guys are crazy. Not all str8 guys like to throw around footballs and work on their Ford F150's...
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