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How do you talk to your husband without making him angry?


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Old 6th August 2007, 1:25 PM   #1
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How do you talk to your husband without making him angry?

I'm a college educated, 34 year old woman who's taken care of our finances since we've been married, supported him in every aspect of his life. I have never criticized, disrespected or said anything to hurt him EVER and he tells me I always make him so angry because I don't understand where he's coming from when he talks to me.
He says that he's married an 18 year old because I have my opinions from time to time when he does let me speak. And that I make him so angry he becomes a monster. I bring out the monster in him.
And when he gets angry he yells loud and raises his hand occasionally. And always threatens me with divorce...
Here's his view about me...He also thinks I hide things from him and don't tell him when I talk to others about things. But I can't tell him every single little detail about what I talk about to my family/friends. I tell him what's important.
I"m just out of ideas and our marriage is fading fast. we are seeking counseling but he acts like an angel in there and blames me and my family for destroying his life. I am so confused....
Please help.
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Old 6th August 2007, 1:34 PM   #2
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when he does let me speak.

What do you mean by this statement? He doesn't allow you to speak, only when he says you can?

He sounds like he has alot of anger and needs some help. Him blaming you, and accusing you of the way he feels just proves he does not want to take responsibilty for his actions/words. he is looking to find fault with you for how he acts and that is not good. Every action has a reaction and reguardless of what you say or do, only HE can control how he reacts to it.

Suggest for him to seek help tell him you'll be happy to go with him. if he wont, then you have a choice, stay and be miserable in hopes he will change or you may have to leave.
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Old 6th August 2007, 1:40 PM   #3
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I really don't think I have a chance to speak when he gets mad or wants to argue. If I say anything it makes him more mad and he doesn't want to understand what I'm saying. For example if it's about making money without a business, he says he knows he could do better in a business and make money and I say yes it's true but it takes time and money to make it grow and when you don't have the money and are so much in debt it doesn't make sense to do that. Then he tells me I don't support him and he wants to move to a cheaper state to pay less for housing and so forth. And on and on...it's always wrong what I say and it's like I don't know jack sh**. We are getting help but the therapist doesn't know his true colors...and I still don't know if I'm the cause of his frustration. But I don't believe I am.
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Old 6th August 2007, 1:49 PM   #4
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We are getting help but the therapist doesn't know his true colors..

How long have you all been in thearpy? Have you explained to them how he acts towards you? if so, what have they said?
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Old 6th August 2007, 1:54 PM   #5
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i thought for a moment it was my marriage we were discussing.
sorry babes he playing games with u. hes too lazy to end it and he is pushing u into it.
u do everything else for him if u end it he gets the pleasure of blaming u then nothing is ever his fault.
the easiest way to talk to a guy like this is through a laywer while getting a divorce.
check ur back for foot prints u will find they are his.
i moved on, and life once u grab it is sweet, but live for the moment as if everyday is ur last. i dont mean go mad but remember this is not a rehearsal u only get one go at it and make sure u r the one having fun.

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we are here for a good time not a long time. enjoy.
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Old 6th August 2007, 1:56 PM   #6
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Quote:
For example if it's about making money without a business, he says he knows he could do better in a business and make money and I say yes it's true but it takes time and money to make it grow and when you don't have the money and are so much in debt it doesn't make sense to do that.
Could've been met with, "yes it's true. Can I help? Maybe put a business plan together with you?"

With that business plan, he'd see for himself the scope of starting a new business.
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We are getting help but the therapist doesn't know his true colors...
Don't be too quick to judge. Many therapists don't take a lot of what's said to account. They're trained to pick up other, "indicators".
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and I still don't know if I'm the cause of his frustration. But I don't believe I am.
It depends.....do you always respond to his ideas with the downside view? Do you always offer help? It's hard to say with just this one example....
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Old 6th August 2007, 2:02 PM   #7
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We have only been in therapy for a week. I guess it will take time.

I do give him the downside of things only because his upsides are not thought through when he presents a solution. Most of our frustration comes from our financial situation. He is unemployed right now. Always had businesses that never worked out then went to college for a few years and the last one I paid for. He didn't even get a degree and got a job from that - which later he got laid off from. He doesn't want to be involved with any financial aspect of his life. He has the worst credit and could care less. He spends like crazy and just wants to have fun but when it comes to being serious he thinks he knows it all.
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Old 6th August 2007, 2:06 PM   #8
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Here's my view...

He's a total control freak jerk. Who needs a guy like him?

And always threatens me with divorce...

That would be the best thing that can happen to you.. Next time just tell him: 'I hope this is not a threat but a promise dear'...

Put your foot down... you are allowing him to verbally abusing you..or even physically or emotionally abusing you.

If you put your foot down...and put an end to all that control...he would respect you.. until you do that, do not expect him to change... he won't ... no counsillor will see his real colour so this is a dead-end situation for you.

come on... stop being abused... ACT now!

Just leave.... period.
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Old 6th August 2007, 2:10 PM   #9
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He might feel resentful and like less of a man because you've supported the family throughout the entire marriage. Maybe he's trying to overcompensate by yelling, controlling and hitting you (I'm guessing that's what "raising a hand" means) He sounds bitter and horrible man, would him divorcing you be so bad? I mean you would no longer have to financially support an abusive man, is that so bad?
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Old 6th August 2007, 2:19 PM   #10
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He has not hit me (yet). He's thrown things and hit walls but I may be next. When he wants to be good, he is a very good person.

But, I don't want to be the poor little submissive wife and I want to be strong. He says he loves me and he realizes sometimes that he's scaring me but I just want to know if such a person can be helped? If I run away from him then how will I know I may not run into another jerk who will do the same to me?

I am a problem solver and not a quitter. But I know if it gets real bad it may be what I need to do. I just wish there was a way to help this situation. And maybe it means that I be strong like you said and put my foot down. I do remember the 1 time I did get respect from him was when I left the house and he couldn't find me.
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Old 6th August 2007, 2:27 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by hdnkorul View Post
He has not hit me (yet). He's thrown things and hit walls but I may be next. When he wants to be good, he is a very good person.

But, I don't want to be the poor little submissive wife and I want to be strong. He says he loves me and he realizes sometimes that he's scaring me but I just want to know if such a person can be helped? If I run away from him then how will I know I may not run into another jerk who will do the same to me?

I am a problem solver and not a quitter. But I know if it gets real bad it may be what I need to do. I just wish there was a way to help this situation. And maybe it means that I be strong like you said and put my foot down. I do remember the 1 time I did get respect from him was when I left the house and he couldn't find me.
Well only you can control what someone does or doesn't do to me. I don't know how valid my advice is because I have never been married, just live w/ a bf, but what i would do is stick up for myself. I'd look at him and tell him that I will not tolerate his hissy fits, throwing things and screaming for no good reason. Tell him that you love him and you've been supporting him for all these years and that you deserve better.

And imo throwing things, even at walls is sort of abuse.
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Old 6th August 2007, 4:05 PM   #12
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I am a problem solver and not a quitter. But I know if it gets real bad it may be what I need to do. I just wish there was a way to help this situation. And maybe it means that I be strong like you said and put my foot down. I do remember the 1 time I did get respect from him was when I left the house and he couldn't find me.

so far, everything you've posted has raised a huge red flag in my mind that this guy is an abuser. Oh, he might only just yell and be generally disrespectful to/of you, but that's a form of abuse.

I can identify with not wanting to quit, to stay the course, but sometimes, you're better off cutting your losses because you realize no progress is being made. In your case, if he doesn't respond to therapy in a certain amount of time (say 3 months), but continues to spin in his place (i.e., not matured), maybe it really is time to go. Because that only tells me that he's not interested in anything but being the victim, and will only continue to make you feel like you're at fault.

that said, I agree with the poster in that it's the way you present your case/opinion/etc that the other person doesn't feel like you're against him. He wants your support for his pipe dreams, but help him explain how he's going to realize these grand plans. If he says we need to do X, even if you're skeptical, ask how y'all can go around achieving that goal ... what would it take from the BOTH of you, and how long do you want to give it before modifying your plans? However, if it looks like a skunk, walks like a skunk and smells like a skunk, don't be afraid to say so, but in a non-threatening way ... if he's mature, he'll "get" where you're coming from.
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Old 6th August 2007, 4:14 PM   #13
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What you said really makes sense. I will give him 3 months after our therapy is over to see what progress has been made. if it gets worse or doesn't change whatsoever I'm outta this marriage. I will do the best I can to save it, but when it comes down to it, peace is all I want. I would rather be alone than to suffer forever and always be blamed for what isn't my fault.

thank you all for your responses
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Old 6th August 2007, 4:31 PM   #14
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But, I don't want to be the poor little submissive wife and I want to be strong.
I'm not meaning to offend you.....or even MY own kind....but....an intelligent women, such as yourself, (and Mrs. Moose), would know how to be submissive without relinquishing her strength.

I may come off as the king of my castle on this forum. The reality is, I know who's in charge at home......you wouldn't be able to tell as a third party observer.......but that's how it truly is.

"As soon as you know who's boss around here, the sooner you can give me your orders Dear........"
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Old 6th August 2007, 4:43 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by hdnkorul View Post
And always threatens me with divorce...
I'm sorry that you are in a marriage that you cannot feel good about..

Have a look at this.. http://www.dvic.org/Power-and-Control-Wheel.php

Maybe it will show you what is going on...
A person doesn't have to be hit for it to be domestic violence..
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