a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 Interesting new turn of events. I have found out that at times my H doesn't believe what I say to him. This is directly from his own mouth. Not just about "real" things (speed limit, because I know and he did not see a sign - the next bomb to be dropped by the kitchen chicken that I see coming, or some other obvious thing on the horizon) but he doesn't believe it when I say "you are hurting me" "this is very important to me/us". So when I tell him that he is really hurting me he may or may not believe it. (good reason for him to not change his behavior) After talking with my good friend that is engaged to a carbon copy of my own H - so alike. She asked him the same question "do you believe it when I say I am hurt, angry, or unhappy?" - He stated the same thing - sometimes he believes it. It might boil down to the concept of "I don't feel/see it that way so it is not real" ? I don't get this. Lack of empathy? Self centered? My friend has broken off her engagement to her bf...... he will not accept it. Refuses to accept it..... even at one point was coming to her house when she dated other people. Obviously did not believe or respect her wishes that it was over...... acted like nothing really had changed. Dismissed any actions/words she took to end it. Any LSer's with experience with this sort of behavior? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 Not trying to comment on your specific situation but some men feel that women will be unhappy no matter what so they dismiss it is typical female nagging. I think that may be where he is coming from. Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 Not trying to comment on your specific situation but some men feel that women will be unhappy no matter what so they dismiss it is typical female nagging. I think that may be where he is coming from. Dear, I do not nag. I say what I mean. I am to the point. Fine example was last night I wished to watch TV alone. My one night to just sit and be a vegetable. He continued to come in, go out, cause mayhem in the room which I shut myself into. (reason i put a big Lcd in the bedroom) (he is a movie talker) I missed my entire movie. I got pissed and asked him to please leave me alone again. Is that nagging? Same thing happened last Monday night. So he dismisses my desire to watch a movie in peace because I nag? I really just wanted something to bitch about - not the real desire to watch my movie alone? Seems a little off to me. And before you blame the world of problems on my vagina- he states he dismisses what I ask or say I need, I am not making this up.... out of his own mouth. Much like I told him my gas gauge is off a tad on my truck and to be sure to fill it if it goes below a quarter tank...... next thing I get a call to bring gas because he ran out. Was that nagging to inform him that the gauge is off? My guess is inferiority complex/passive aggressive or some other psycho babble crapola. I guess my friend returning her engagement ring to her bf - that being ignored by him is also a act of nagging? She doesnt really mean she doesnt want to marry him, she just wants something to bitch about? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 http://lifetwo.com/production/node/20070218-reactance-husbands-subconscious-rebellion Interesting theory. Explains why I get the "I don't do it on purpose" excuse from him. Note he also does this to other people not just me. I may suggest shock therapy for him. Link to post Share on other sites
raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 (he is a movie talker) I missed my entire movie. I got pissed and asked him to please leave me alone again. Is that nagging? Same thing happened last Monday night. So he dismisses my desire to watch a movie in peace because I nag? I really just wanted something to bitch about - not the real desire to watch my movie alone? Hey...that sounds familiar. My husband does running commentary on anything I watch. Then he gets his feelings hurt when I ask him to stop, or if I don't laugh at the jokes. Geez.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 What happens if you intrude on his TV/movie viewing? ***************************************** Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 i have seen some wives that do complain or criticize their husbands too often for the husbands liking - so he just tunes her out or shuts down completely. i'm not saying this is right - i'm just saying it is a natural reaction for a man to avoid conflict - if that is his preference. when i was married - i was VERY PARTICULAR about which battles i chose to defend. he knew if there was a problem or conflict - then he REALLY was dead meat - because he most likely had caused it or deserved it. i also didn't go on and on about it. i used very few words for him to understand my very direct point/purpose. does that even make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 I'm guessing he was trying to piss you off.. poke at you..because you wanted to watch the tv without him and purposely excluded him.. If you weren't fighting then why would you want to exclude him ? also.. there is some merit to what woggle mentioned about how some men just blow off what their wives say as nagging.. some call it deaf ears or tuning someone out. Your hubby may very well not REALLY hear you when you talk because he has tuned you out for some reason.. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 so he just tunes her out or shuts down completely. coke.. you owe me a coke... We said it at the same time Your hubby may very well not REALLY hear you when you talk because he has tuned you out for some reason.. Link to post Share on other sites
raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 Oh, if I say something to offend him about his show.....the same, he gets offended or his feelings get hurt. Boo-freaking-hoo!!! He definitely lets me know. I've just about gotten to the point where I only watch things I enjoy when he is not around. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 coke.. you owe me a coke... We said it at the same time sounds good to me - but you have to do the traveling and buy me a perrier too... Link to post Share on other sites
raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 also.. there is some merit to what woggle mentioned about how some men just blow off what their wives say as nagging.. some call it deaf ears or tuning someone out. Your hubby may very well not REALLY hear you when you talk because he has tuned you out for some reason.. I watched something on the Discovery Channel, I think, about how men "hear" differently than women. It has to do with the sound waves of female voices versus male voices....very interesting stuff from a scientific viewpoint. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 I have a friend who has a wife that nags all the time and he says to him it sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher right now. It has become noise to him. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 I have a friend who has a wife that nags all the time and he says to him it sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher right now. It has become noise to him. this is exactly why i think it is super inportant for women to only speak when it is really important - and to keep it concise. men tend to dislike idle chatter. Link to post Share on other sites
raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 I have a friend who has a wife that nags all the time and he says to him it sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher right now. It has become noise to him. You know, that reference was actually made in the show I saw about how men and women listen. Very interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 It's not that men dislike idle chatter but when we feel like we are being attacked we close up and shut down. Link to post Share on other sites
raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 It's not that men dislike idle chatter but when we feel like we are being attacked we close up and shut down. I see your point Woggle. My husband does like to "shoot the breeze" and chit-chat, A LOT. Hanging around these boards is helping a little to understand the male mind a bit more - of course, it will never be a completely unsolved mystery! Link to post Share on other sites
raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 By the way Woggle...is that Bad Brains? My husband loves them!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 i have seen some wives that do complain or criticize their husbands too often for the husbands liking - so he just tunes her out or shuts down completely. i'm not saying this is right - i'm just saying it is a natural reaction for a man to avoid conflict - if that is his preference. when i was married - i was VERY PARTICULAR about which battles i chose to defend. he knew if there was a problem or conflict - then he REALLY was dead meat - because he most likely had caused it or deserved it. i also didn't go on and on about it. i used very few words for him to understand my very direct point/purpose. does that even make sense? I don't nag...... I leave. I say my peace and leave. End of story. I ask him on several occassions to leave me alone so we don't beat a dead horse..... he continues to stay. If I quarentine myself to "chill" he enters the room moments later. Rebels against clients, friends, work, and anything that causes him to "do what he is told or has to do" Ask him what he wants for dinner ....... reply: what do you want? Ask him what he wants to do for the weekend .....reply : what do you want to do? Request him to plan a weekend: does not happen. Request him not to let the truck run out of gas- truck runs out of gas. (note briefly told him, watch the gauge, it is not right. Make sure it doesn't go below a quarter tank) - tuned out? nagged? I don't buy that I nag him. This is typical of what happens. - Hey do you want me to pay the electric bill or are you going to do it? Reply: I will. (note it again is not done this week)......... so they will show up to turn it off again. However if I do not remind him of things I get : you know I cannot remember everything, why didn't you remind me? Child like - does not want to be told how or what to do, even if in his best interest. Tell him to show up for work on time or he is fired - he is late more and is fired...... this is a norm, he states he has always been that way. Always late and fired and rehired from several jobs because of it. Difficult at best to rely on or have as a team member. ************************************************* Art I exclude him from my activity of watching the TV because I cannot watch a movie or program with him without him chattering or trying to get my attention. Imagine trying to watch a game on TV with some woman blabbering about the new shoes she was going to buy, with the new sweater but they did not match so she went to a sale and found a pair of boots, but they did not match the sweater so she stopped for lunch but the salad dressing wasn't good. (did you find that paragraph exhausting) I prefer - went shopping- nothing good- had a crappy salad. Anywho not really venting here just think the theory and reasons are interesting. I am looking at things more from an outsider at this point, so it's kind of like watching the monkey get zapped when it tries to grab the pellet. Almost like predicting his behavior...... find it very interesting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 By the way Woggle...is that Bad Brains? My husband loves them!!! Yes it is and I love them. I got the chance to see them live and I have never seen energy at a show like that before or after. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 I have a question for the women. How would you like it if your husband nagged you, belittled you and picked apart every single thing you did to the point where you felt like you couldn't do anything right? You wouldn't like it very much but when women do this to men we are supposed to be loving and attentive. I am sorry but we have feelings just like you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 Note people: nagging and being tuned out is much different than having a person not believe what you are saying to them. gas gauge is broken- means gas gauge is broken- He obviously did not believe this. A fact. Acknowledge that I warned him, chose to dismiss the warning about a fact. I resolved a 2 month contract dispute last night in 5 minutes when I was finally allowed to directly confront the issue with the client........ 5 minutes. Addressed it, came to terms, and rewrote it, sent it and made copies to be signed today. I being on the outside of it previously and letting my H handle the actual negotiations - 2 months. So if I can do this with another male- why not with him? If it is indeed a gender issue......which I do not believe, I believe it is my H's issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 I prefer - went shopping- nothing good- had a crappy salad. I get it.. have you tried the skillet method ?.. you know where you just wack him in the head with the iron skillet.. at least that way he would be in the same room as you are.. just asleep 1 Link to post Share on other sites
raincloud Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 Sorry we got off topic a4a....it's just been such a long time since I've really talked to anyone....that raincloud is finally starting to go away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted June 19, 2007 Author Share Posted June 19, 2007 I have a question for the women. How would you like it if your husband nagged you, belittled you and picked apart every single thing you did to the point where you felt like you couldn't do anything right? You wouldn't like it very much but when women do this to men we are supposed to be loving and attentive. I am sorry but we have feelings just like you do. My H does that all the time Woggle. He is supposed to be loving and attentive, but if I state he is hurting me it is totally dismissed and he treats it as if it is not real. He picks at everything I do including my building skills, ideas, and how I do things - "why are you doing it that way?" Was up my butt while I rewrote the contract, sitting over my shoulder...... do it this way, the look for the file here, - fruck I made the file I know where it is...... who is the nag here? So it is not always women who pick on/nag men. Note he also made a complete ass of himself in front of all my friends at the party this weekend loudly stating I am a bitch (ISMW's) because I was stating the difference between kosher gelatin and veg. based gelatin. - I politely disagreed with him in a group conversation - corrected him. So he went off on me in front of my friends.... personal attack about gelatin. Told me how I made him look like a fool. He is not a saint nor a victim of my vaginaism. At times he is just a complete ass that needs a fork in his head. Link to post Share on other sites
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