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I am very frustrated at the moment. I just don't understand. I do but, it still doesn’t change the fact that I don't get what I need. My husband and I have been married for 20 something years. We have sex, but not enough for me. I don't know how to deal with this. I want sex with him, but he doesn't want it. Like tonight, I like to dress sexy and sat down next to him (it was obvious what I was getting at) he just continues to watch tv. So finally I get up and he asks, where are you going. I didn't say much, just to the kitchen. I sat down again. Nothing, I got up and went to the other chair and started reading. He says, Whats the matter, bored? I said as a matter of fact yes! We had no child around tonight, the perfect time and NOTHING! He had to pick up our child at a friend’s house and was saying goodbye and I said, don't you even have anything to say? Of course, we ended up in a fight. A scenario of many times in our long marriage. We have already been to therapy. I told her of his disinterest in sex, she says just dress sexy for yourself. OK, I did and what does it get me? Frustration!!!

 

Anyway, in all our history, he has never been too adventurous in bed. We are both 43 years old. He has had this problem and mentioned to a dr. years ago. He got on medicine, because he has low testerone. OK, fine. So the meds helped at the time. The next thing that happens is he gets a bloodclot! So no more hormone medicine. Hey, I am all for being healthy and would never ask him to take something that would cause health issues. But, where does that leave me? Pretty much frustrated. I don't know what to do. I have told him I will do whatever it takes to turn him on. I would even look at porn, dress up anything. Nothing though. I told him, he is not the only one here and that even though he doesn't want it, that doesn't mean I don't. Sorry masterbation just isn't really the thing that I want to do all the time the next however many years. What is really hard, is that I have lost a whole bunch of weight and guys are hitting in me more and more. I have only been with one man and that is my husband. I want to remain faithful. Also, he has admitted to masterbating, but says he doesn't do that any more. Yea, right. I will also add, which some say is normal, he gets turned on looking at gay porn on the internet (I accidently saw the history on the computer once) He also watches tv as his sole entertainment and some of it is the woman’s channel with those aweful tv movies. Pretty much all he wants to do is watch tv and doesn't help around the house much either. OK, yes this a gripe session and its not this way every moment, but it is a concern for me. He has been faithful to me and works and supports me (I work full-time also) I just get so aggravated at him. I have tried ignoring it, wearing the sexy outfits, therapy, and I even just say to him I want to, well you know. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Thanks!

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We have already been to therapy. I told her of his disinterest in sex, she says just dress sexy for yourself. OK, I did and what does it get me? Frustration!!!

 

...you're no longer in therapy? If so, I'd recommed a couple of things. The first would be a complete physical for him. There could be a medical issue that needs to be revisited. The second would be to get back into therapy, even if it's by yourself, while you sort out whether you should stay or leave.

 

You say you still have sex but not enough for you. Perhaps that's the current problem and it might be related to early onset menopause.

 

Whatever the issue, the TWO of you decidedly need to dig deeper to figure it out.

 

How old is your child?

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The gay porn is what jumped out at me. Have you asked him about this? I'm not saying he's gay but I've never met a straight men who enjoyed gay porn.

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The gay porn is what jumped out at me. Have you asked him about this? I'm not saying he's gay but I've never met a straight men who enjoyed gay porn.

 

Needs to be explored in therapy.

 

It could be he's simply fantasizing about being on the receiving end of oral sex and the giving end of anal but the possibility certainly exists that he's also the reverse of those.

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Needs to be explored in therapy.

 

It could be he's simply fantasizing about being on the receiving end of oral sex and the giving end of anal but the possibility certainly exists that he's also the reverse of those.

 

Yes but there's plenty of porn between men and women depicting what you describe. Why watch gay porn?

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The gay porn jumped out at me too. But I wonder since she could see the history if that is the main, or sole area of interest in his "research" or just part of a variety pack?

 

Curmudgeon is right though. You can't come to conclusions on that fact alone. But it is definitely a red flag.

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I want sex with him, but he doesn't want it.

Strike One!

I will also add, which some say is normal, he gets turned on looking at gay porn on the internet (I accidently saw the history on the computer once)

Strike Two!

He also watches tv as his sole entertainment and some of it is the woman’s channel with those aweful tv movies.

Strike Three! He's out(ed)! :eek:

 

Mr. Lucky

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burning 4 revenge
Strike One!

 

Strike Two!

 

Strike Three! He's out(ed)! :eek:

 

Mr. Lucky

My first guess would be ED, but gay porn and the Lifetime channel? Come on

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Have you tried Spritual therapy?

 

The more gay porn he feeds himself, the more he would lust after it.

 

Maybe he got bored, and tried to go *diversity*. A soul or spiritual awakening might be good.

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  • 2 weeks later...
pookylove73

hi guys

I'm a new member, simialr problem for me. Husband has never been that adventurous in bed. He never touches any sort of porn and never has but the main problem is he never goes near me. I'm a gorgeous girl. I've checked his laptop for porn and the house-nothing. We have no kids and no distractions. We work a fair bit but when we have time off, it doesn't even occur to him that I'm here and a woman.

 

I've been married four years now and ready to leave. I am starting to have crushes on other people so that can't be a good sign. He goes to bed early at 9pm nightly because he works in security and has to get up 5am. I've always been a night owl and also work in security but even when our shifts are in sych, he still doesn't want me. Ive been on holiday for two weeks and he hasn't been near me. As far as Im concerned, he's breaking the wedding vows to "worship with thy body", and it's grounds for divorce so I'm going to leave. If he wanted me now, I'd hate him so much for denying me so long that I'd tell him no anyway.

 

His parents are religious freaks and I suspect he harbours similar ideas. Great, but god doesnt say anything about celebacy and he agrees with this. But what do you guys think, surely it aint natural to be sexless? He doesnt ever masturbate, EVER. He did have a previously physically abusive girlfriend but basically she hit the nail on the head when she told him he wasn't a man for being useless in bed. I'm not condoning her violence but he did repeat his lack of sexuality with her before there was any violence between them. He hasnt the courage of a mouse to even touch my shoulder sometimes let alone other things. Now that sounds cruel, but I've been patient and kind for four years of my yound, precious life. My reward for being faithful is lonely nights crying myself to sleep so don't judge me. I'm a kind person and use it as a core feature of my career. Counselling I wont consider because if it takes that to stay together then we arent meant to be. the fact I am a counsellor too means I know what's going on and know no other counsellor can help past what I've tried and what he's willing to give.

 

One really bad sign is he always has god-awful bad breath. He does try to clean his teeth and I dont know what it is, sinuses, stomach problems, I'm past caring. How can any woman want a man who doesn't care? He is not gay he insists and is in no way effeminate or drawn to all things gay.

 

till now, my husband was the most secure thing I've ever had and is the perfect husband in every other way so this is killing me. I've told him how I feel a thousand times but he just says "I do want you" then doesnt act on it, which I also point out, to no avail. I know there ain't much else out there for women these days by way of decent men. I'm 34 and dreading this.

 

What makes me hate him is he now leaves me with the two bad options of being the one to break it up and take the blame, or to choose to have an affair which although people spit on it morally, life aint that black and white. I cant afford to leave financially for another 2 years so why should I starve of true attention and sexuality until then if he's letting ME down? Why should I come off as the bad guy?

 

Maybe some guys could post and give me concrete evidence why I should make a break ie there are aternatives out there. Girls stick to bad guys these days because they know the market and it's not in favour of women, let's be brutally honest here.

 

My hearts broken and I've never felt so lonely or angry in my life. I could do with some support.

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4whatItsWorth
Strike Three! He's out(ed)! :eek:

 

I'm pretty sure in Hardley's 'His needs, her needs' it states that the amount of time a man looks at his woman is a measure of how much he finds her attractive. Now I am NOT saying you are not an attractive woman, but I'd agree with Mr Lucky he might be homosexual, or perhaps bisexual. In either case, perhaps you never had and never will be able to fulfill his sexual needs 100% and it is not your fault. I think he is being very unfair on you for pretending 'everything is fine' when it clearly isn't.

 

I don't really believe in therapy when it comes to a relationship with so many wrongs in it (generalisation here) that it'd take 2 years just to get around one of them. Life is short, and to waste it on somebody who will not give you what you ask for in return (if you do the best you can) is pretty much waste of precious time.

 

Final point, I know a man doens't have to be gay to look at gay porn...but my ex liked anal AND receiving...and his huge porn stash was only filled with women w. men or women w. women...

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