SunnySideUp Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 I really need help. I've suggested marriage counseling to my husband in the past, and he is firmly against it. But I am becoming more and more unhappy as I see our situation is not improving. 14 months ago, my husband and I had our son. We got married when I was five months pregnant, to be responsible. We fell in love years and years ago, head over heels for each other, but were both skeptical of the idea of marriage. I've always thought of him as my soulmate, and know at some point he felt the same, but not sure if he does anymore. When I was pregnant, it was like he refused to grow up. He would still go out and get drunk with his buddies and leave me home, waiting for him to call or come home. He was entirely unsupportive, and clearly unhappy and scared about having a family. I knew this, but for some reason wanted to plug along with our marriage. He started going to therapy a couple months after our son was born, because he obsessing about suicide and extremely depressed. He's been going over a year now and I see no change in him. He is a horrible father. He spends as little time interacting with our son as possible. When he's home alone with him (I go to grad school now, which I'm quitting now that I know how he treats our son), he'll browse the internet or watch movies and just leave our baby son sitting on the couch or floor. To make matters worse, our son has cerebral palsy and needs extensive physical therapy daily, which my husband admitted he "can't motivate himself" to do. I come home and the house is a wreck, my son is sitting on the couch and my husband is watching tv. He asks me if he can go visit a friend (which he does at least 3 times a week when I come home), and leaves me with our son. It's like we can never be together as a family. It's like he doesn't want to be with us. When my husband does stay home after I come home, he sits around while I pick up after him, give our son therapy, feed him dinner and make us dinner. When our son goes to bed, my husband usually takes to drinking and browsing the internet or talking on the phone or internet to one of his buddies... nevermind interacting with me, except the occasional "maintenence" conversation, to make sure I'm "getting enough attention". It's like he'll check up on me to avoid me getting annoyed with him ignoring me... it's very insincere, though I don't think he knows that I know it is. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking about taking our son and going to live with my parents. I feel like a single mother all the time. Whenever I bring his behavior up, he gets angry and talks about how screwed up he is or how he's been freaking out over this or that. I feel like he's completely selfish and self-absorbed and might never come out of it. PLEASE HELP! What should I do? We're both young, I'm 24, he's 25 and I already feel like I want a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 He IS immature and seems not to 'get' the fact he is a husband and a father! Fact that he is going out too much, spending time away from you and your child just shows is really isn't ready to BE an active responsible father. He's selfish and still just into himself! And, that's so unfair to you, and the baby. Is it possible that he's having trouble accepting that your child has CP? It's just wrong of him to be acting so distant while at home too. Let him know how you feel, and make sure HE understands that there's a good chance you'll be moving in with your mom if he doesn't get his crap together. Sounds like he needs a wake up call otherwise he could lose you, and lose out on family life... Sorry for your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 I really need help. I've suggested marriage counseling to my husband in the past, and he is firmly against it. But I am becoming more and more unhappy as I see our situation is not improving. 14 months ago, my husband and I had our son. We got married when I was five months pregnant, to be responsible. We fell in love years and years ago, head over heels for each other, but were both skeptical of the idea of marriage. I've always thought of him as my soulmate, and know at some point he felt the same, but not sure if he does anymore. When I was pregnant, it was like he refused to grow up. He would still go out and get drunk with his buddies and leave me home, waiting for him to call or come home. He was entirely unsupportive, and clearly unhappy and scared about having a family. I knew this, but for some reason wanted to plug along with our marriage. He started going to therapy a couple months after our son was born, because he obsessing about suicide and extremely depressed. He's been going over a year now and I see no change in him. He is a horrible father. He spends as little time interacting with our son as possible. When he's home alone with him (I go to grad school now, which I'm quitting now that I know how he treats our son), he'll browse the internet or watch movies and just leave our baby son sitting on the couch or floor. To make matters worse, our son has cerebral palsy and needs extensive physical therapy daily, which my husband admitted he "can't motivate himself" to do. I come home and the house is a wreck, my son is sitting on the couch and my husband is watching tv. He asks me if he can go visit a friend (which he does at least 3 times a week when I come home), and leaves me with our son. It's like we can never be together as a family. It's like he doesn't want to be with us. When my husband does stay home after I come home, he sits around while I pick up after him, give our son therapy, feed him dinner and make us dinner. When our son goes to bed, my husband usually takes to drinking and browsing the internet or talking on the phone or internet to one of his buddies... nevermind interacting with me, except the occasional "maintenence" conversation, to make sure I'm "getting enough attention". It's like he'll check up on me to avoid me getting annoyed with him ignoring me... it's very insincere, though I don't think he knows that I know it is. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking about taking our son and going to live with my parents. I feel like a single mother all the time. Whenever I bring his behavior up, he gets angry and talks about how screwed up he is or how he's been freaking out over this or that. I feel like he's completely selfish and self-absorbed and might never come out of it. PLEASE HELP! What should I do? We're both young, I'm 24, he's 25 and I already feel like I want a divorce. From what I read here.. you'd be much better off alone with your child... now you have 2 children to take care of... I think he didn't accept fatherhood from the start and the fact that the child has a disorder made it worst... He is selfish, immature, self centered and plain lazy... he wants you to take control of everything... you're not superwoman... Your child will be incredibly unhappy with a father like him... so if he doesn,t want to take responsibility and go to counselling... I would divorce for your sake and your child. I truly believe that not all human beings are meant to be parents... but when you are.. you have to be responsible... I feel for you...good luck! You might meet a good man down the road who will support you and your child. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 Don't know if divorcing right now is the right answer. This guy needs to grow up and get his butt into marriage counselling or individual counselling if he's claiming to be messed up in the head. These two have alot of history together and it's not fair to their child just to throw in the towel without really trying... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySideUp Posted June 6, 2007 Author Share Posted June 6, 2007 Thanks everyone for your replies thus far. I definitely think it'd be wise to go to marriage counseling before going straight for a divorce. I love him very much, and I know that he loves me and our son, I'm just not sure how much, or how deep it can be when he acts the way he does like he doesn't want to be with us. He has been going to counseling for over a year by himself, but his attitude has not changed. I've spoken to both his pschologist and psychiatrist over the phone, and they both want me to come in because they say in the office he tends to "minimize" things. What this means is he withholds information or makes situations seem not as bad as they are, to prevent a response from them he doesn't want. He does this at home too, he's manipulative in his language and avoids issues to avoid arguments. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySideUp Posted June 6, 2007 Author Share Posted June 6, 2007 Is it possible that he's having trouble accepting that your child has CP? It's just wrong of him to be acting so distant while at home too. I think that this may be an issue, albeit small compared to whatever issues he was having before, with the prospect of being a family. He's been like this for a long time, and we only found out recently that our son has CP. He was acting like this when we thought our son was normal. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 Can I ask how the rest of your relationship is outside of these problems? Do you two have a good sex life? Is he loving and caring towards you? He also sounds like a typical male, holding stuff in and doesn't want to talk about what it is that is bothering him. Problem is, he has a family to think about now, it's not just about him. Definately take his therapist up on the offer and GO to counselling with him. Even if your H gets pissed off at you, do it anyway...And, reaffirm your love for him, that you're willing to put in alot of effort to make sure things get better. Just hope he meets you in the middle. In all honesty, I think once he faces his issues and deals with them (And I understand the fear of changing, it IS scary, but he has no choice now) things will turn around. That and he needs to mature... Are you close with your inlaws? What do they think of his behaviour? Okay, so he was like this before you found out about your son having CP, that is him not ready for the responsibility of being family. Until he grows up not too sure how things can change. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 Thanks everyone for your replies thus far. I definitely think it'd be wise to go to marriage counseling before going straight for a divorce. I love him very much, and I know that he loves me and our son, I'm just not sure how much, or how deep it can be when he acts the way he does like he doesn't want to be with us. He has been going to counseling for over a year by himself, but his attitude has not changed. I've spoken to both his pschologist and psychiatrist over the phone, and they both want me to come in because they say in the office he tends to "minimize" things. What this means is he withholds information or makes situations seem not as bad as they are, to prevent a response from them he doesn't want. He does this at home too, he's manipulative in his language and avoids issues to avoid arguments. counselling doesn't make miracles happen. I have been in counselling for a few years, seen psychologists, psychiatrists... and I have been extremely disappointed... very few know what they're doing... or are actually good. I just don't believe in counselling anymore. I don't think he'll change any time soon, even with counselling. You'll eventually get tired of all his nonsense. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 counselling doesn't make miracles happen. I have been in counselling for a few years, seen psychologists, psychiatrists... and I have been extremely disappointed... very few know what they're doing... or are actually good. I just don't believe in counselling anymore. I don't think he'll change any time soon, even with counselling. You'll eventually get tired of all his nonsense. You get out of counseling what you put into it. They also only help you help yourself. So if you are not getting any help then it is you that is not helping yourself.. not the counselors Yeah.. Miracles don't happen from a therapist.. you also have to create the miracles too Sunny.. you need to try Marriage Counseling.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySideUp Posted June 6, 2007 Author Share Posted June 6, 2007 Thank you all for your caring replies, I really appreciate it. I think I will go to the therapist's next time with my H, as well as find a marriage counselor. We have been over and over his attitude and inability to embrace his situation, and he doesn't think there's anything wrong with his attitude. As far as my relationship with his in-laws... His father is sort of a dead-beat, gave up on him when he was 13 after his mother died of Lou Gehrig's. His dad told him taking care of him was too much for him, and put him in state custody so he could drink. I do have a pseudo-mother in law who is his former social worker that he lived with for a couple years. She is sympathic with my situation, and I tell her most of what's going on, but she has complete faith that he'll turn around. The rest of his relatives know he's kind of a screw-up but I haven't talked to any of them specifically about our marriage yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 As indefensible as your H's actions are, they make a kind of screwed-up sense to me. I went through a similar depression and rough adjustment when my 9-week premature son was born with CP 19 years ago. Wallowing in self-pity, I had a hard time accepting that my son was less than perfect. This situation was worsened by the realization that I was letting everyone down at the time, but I just couldn't break out of the funk. Even though my wife went everyday our son was in the hospital (5 months!), I couldn't force myself to get out of the car for the first 60 days. Pitiful, huh? My salvation was a wonderful counselor that worked through the NICU at the hospital. He helped my understand that my feelings of guilt, anger, denial and confusion were normal for what I was going through. Once I understood that it was OK to be pissed off at what had happened, I started to get over it. The last 2 months that our son was in the hospital, I quit my job to be there full time. I wonder if your H could be acting out similar feelings but in a different way? As I'm sure you know, having a handicapped child is different than the expected experience. Lacking your maternal bond, he may be having trouble adjusting. As others have said, counseling is the way to go. Hope it works out... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 This is completely a gut feeling, so don't take it too much to heart. But your husband had a very rough childhood. His mother died and his father abandoned him. Maybe his own assessment of his ability to be a father is correct. Maybe he doesn't have the emotional maturity to do it right now, or the emotional strength. I know this would be a bitter pill for you to swallow, but maybe he feels he only has enough emotional strength to care for himself. Is it possible that he feels abandoned by you as well? Perhaps you took care of him, more or less, and now he's been usurped by the baby. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 I don't know what to do. I'm thinking about taking our son and going to live with my parents. I feel like a single mother all the time. Whenever I bring his behavior up, he gets angry and talks about how screwed up he is or how he's been freaking out over this or that. I feel like he's completely selfish and self-absorbed and might never come out of it. If you can live with your parents and everything is OK with that idea then it might help you with rasiing your son, continuing your grad program, and even making your husband wake up and do something. If your mom can help you with your child, it would be better for everybody. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 You get out of counseling what you put into it. They also only help you help yourself. So if you are not getting any help then it is you that is not helping yourself.. not the counselors Yeah.. Miracles don't happen from a therapist.. you also have to create the miracles too Sunny.. you need to try Marriage Counseling.. On a period of 6 years I've seen many therapists... and none of them really helped me... I will not go into details but one of them had to stop, (he attempted suicide)... another one would only listen to me... without ever saying hardly anything. One more I've seen once... anyway it would be too long to explain what happened with each one... My experience really sucked with therapists... Most have more problems than their patients. Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 counselling doesn't make miracles happen. I have been in counselling for a few years, seen psychologists, psychiatrists... and I have been extremely disappointed... very few know what they're doing... or are actually good. I just don't believe in counselling anymore. I don't think he'll change any time soon, even with counselling. You'll eventually get tired of all his nonsense. Counseling is not suppose to make miracles happen and yes I do agree their are some bad ones. I had one fall asleep while I talked to her, but does this mean counseling does not work? I also think she is already growing tired of his nonsense. SunnySideUp, I think it is time for you to grab the bull by the horns. Talk to the guy and let him know you are unhappy with the way things are going. Explain to him that the way he has portrayed himself as a father and husband where never included in your dreams when you decided to spend the rest of your life with him. Tell him you hate feeling the way you do. He most likely already knows and if he is anything like me, needs to be told unfortunately. I think you should give him an ultimatum. Will it work? Probably not, but it will give you a better indication as to whether or not you should take serious action here, like moving out with his son. I know this is extremely frustrating for you and commend you for continuing your education during such a difficult period. If this guy does not pull his head out of his A$$ please do not let him hold you back. Goodluck! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 they're supposed to know what they're doing... no miracles but help. I think it's way too easy to get out of the university with a degree in Psychology... you don't have to be Einstein... so that's why there are so many bad ones out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 Where is this guy supposed to pull what it takes to be a husband and father if he doesn't have it in him, out of thin air? Understandably, he's completely stunted. He's never stopped being "the orphan". He still wants his wife to be his mother. He is a child, and he has admitted it. It is like asking a fourteen yr old to step up to the plate. IMO, the OP's expectations are unrealistic. Her H. can't do it, and he knows it. That is why he is freaking out. He told her before they had the baby that he didn't think he could do it. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 On a period of 6 years I've seen many therapists... and none of them really helped me... I will not go into details but one of them had to stop, (he attempted suicide)This is hilarious! I quit seeing a pshycologist after only 3 sessions. It didn't take long for me to figure out he was bogus. The diploma doesn't give you practical knowledge or talent or genuine interest in other people's problems. These people should be the cream of the society and instead, they are almost the bottom of the intellectual class. (Let me remind you of a LS member who hooked up with her married therapist - one that costs a lot! ) I have no desire to see anyone until I stumble on a really smart one who has proven to be good and written great studies. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 I have no desire to see anyone until I stumble on a really smart one who has proven to be good and written great studies. My RP...I wish you were here so I could introduce you to my T. You'd love her...And hey, if she can fix me and my anxiety disorder, she can fix just about anyone...That is, as long as you're willing to do your part in it. As I always say, what you put into therapy is what you get out of it. That is, IF ya have the right T! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 My RP...I wish you were here so I could introduce you to my T. You'd love her...And hey, if she can fix me and my anxiety disorder, she can fix just about anyone...That is, as long as you're willing to do your part in it. As I always say, what you put into therapy is what you get out of it. That is, IF ya have the right T!I am glad you like her. In my case, I was looking at him and thinking "Geez, he's so dumb!" I guess that's not a good start, is it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySideUp Posted June 8, 2007 Author Share Posted June 8, 2007 whichwayisup- Outside of all this our relationship is ok, we go through periods where he'll be very cold and unresponsive toward me, and then periods where it's like he's actually paying attention to the fact that he lives with someone else. Most of the time I feel like he's at a distance from me. Our sex life is great, though not as frequent as I would like. Many times I approach him and he's not in the mood. I pitched him the idea of going to marriage counseling the other day, and he responded the same way. But he also said he wouldn't go to marriage counseling until I go to counseling, since he has already started going to counseling himself. Link to post Share on other sites
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