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How do you handle someone like this?


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What do you make of a spouse that does things like the following?

  1. When you talk to someone else, the tv gets turned up until you stop.
  2. Not allowed to speak during certain programs but the other person can.
  3. Gets mad when you leave but it's okay if that person leaves.
  4. Corrects you no matter where you are.
  5. Gets mad at everything that person does but its okay if they do it.
  6. Has temper fits if things don't go their way.
  7. Allowed to say hurtful things but not okay if someone else does it back.
  8. Nothing they ever do is wrong.
  9. Can't stand it if you don't side with them on a certain topic.
  10. Watches the news 24/7. Then uses you as their sounding post. Even will sometimes act like your the person they hate and talk to you like they would like to talk to the person.
  11. Life revolves around having as much money as possible each month. They can spend but anyone else can't.

I hoping I can get some serious responses on this. :).

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If this were my partner I would leave them at the first opportunity.

 

It would appear that that isn't an option for you at present. If that's the case, I would recommend looking into Eric Berne's theory of parent/adult/child and go for therapy to learn how to remain the adult at all times, which would appear to encourage the person acting in a childlike or parentlike way to assume the adult stance also.

 

The other option, of course, is to discuss with them how your needs are being undermined by their behaviour, how their actions are no longer acceptable to you and request that they go to see a therapist themselves.

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ThumbingMyWay
What do you make of a spouse that does things like the following?

  1. When you talk to someone else, the tv gets turned up until you stop.
     
    selfish
     
     
     
  2. Not allowed to speak during certain programs but the other person can.
     
    selfish
     
     
     
  3. Gets mad when you leave but it's okay if that person leaves.
     
    insecure, needy
     
     
     
  4. Corrects you no matter where you are.
     
    insecure, needy
     
     
     
  5. Gets mad at everything that person does but its okay if they do it.
     
    insecure, needy
     
     
     
  6. Has temper fits if things don't go their way.
     
    perfectionist
     
     
     
  7. Allowed to say hurtful things but not okay if someone else does it back.
     
    insecure
     
     
     
  8. Nothing they ever do is wrong.
     
    perfectionist...narcissit
     
     
     
  9. Can't stand it if you don't side with them on a certain topic.
     
    selfish, opinioned, narcissit
     
     
     
  10. Watches the news 24/7. Then uses you as their sounding post. Even will sometimes act like your the person they hate and talk to you like they would like to talk to the person.
     
    projected anger
     
     
     
  11. Life revolves around having as much money as possible each month. They can spend but anyone else can't.
     
    greed and selfishness
     
     
     

 

 

 

I hoping I can get some serious responses on this. :).

 

not sure this helps....but I see a spouse that is selfish and insecure

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Mustang Sally

Question: How do you handle someone like this?

Answer: Find the nearest door, and walk out with dignity.

 

Life is too short to put up with that kind of garbage.

 

Seriously.

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Thanks for replying.

 

I agree but hard for the person to see a therapist when they think everyone else is crazy.

 

Leaving would be a good idea but since this happend within the past 4 years, hard to understand why this person is acting like this. It reminds me of someone reverting to their childhood ways. Maybe something triggered it, maybe their going nuts, or simply need to get a life.

 

IMO each year gets worse and it's hard to understand why they can't simply enjoy what they have.

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not sure this helps....but I see a spouse that is selfish and insecure

Sorry but how is that being insecure?

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this individual is plain ignorant and not respectful of his/her spouse.

 

I would NEVER EVER put up with a person like that.

Kick him to the curb.

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VinaAmez,

When you posted this thread, did you actually expect to get any other types of responses besides 'get out' and bashings?

 

What else were you possibly expecting?

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VinaAmez,

When you posted this thread, did you actually expect to get any other types of responses besides 'get out' and bashings?

 

What else were you possibly expecting?

No I expected it. I was hoping that maybe there was another way to do it besides leaving. Seems like that's the easy way out.

 

Or maybe someone else went through this or could say why all of a sudden someone would do this.

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ThumbingMyWay
Sorry but how is that being insecure?

 

I am simply stating from how I used to be....and I was very needy and insecure....but didnt know it till counseling.

 

 

 

Gets mad when you leave but it's okay if that person leaves.

 

I used to hate it when my wife wouyld go away with friends....I would think what is wrong with me. Why dosent she want to be with me. BUT I was very codependent on her....and she wasnt on me.

 

 

Corrects you no matter where you are.

 

oops...I thought this said contacts YOU. To me this is just plain rude to do in front of people unless it is warranted due to safety reasons.

 

 

Gets mad at everything that person does but its okay if they do it.

 

insecure people want to be accepted....whe people disgaree with them...they take personally.

 

 

 

Allowed to say hurtful things but not okay if someone else does it back.

 

a secure person can take some "ribbing" and can take some bashing when warranted due to there behaviour. An insecure person takes everything personal.

 

 

 

maybe I am wrong....but ALOT of people ae insecure and show it different ways. Even the arrogant cocky bad boy is insecure on the inside...they behave and act as the center of attention becasue on the inside they dont feel very secure. The is a big different between arrogance and confidence.

 

 

I dunno...its friday morning and I felt like being a quasi-counselor today...what do i know...i am just an average white american male...

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I know its probably unreasonable, but why dont you take this list or some of the items and hand it to him asking 'How you would go about correcting this behavior?' and not let on its really about him.

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Vina, you have described my ex perfectly. And HE wouldn't go to therapy either, because he thought everyone else was nuts.

 

And he is a needy selfish insecure man.

I say IS because I am assuming he still didn't get therapy, cos after we brokeup, he told everyone that he dumped me because I was such an evil bitch. Which is actually wrong.

 

I was soooooooo unhappy with him Vina. It wasn't till I got out and found someone who really appreciates me and treats me like an equal that I realised how unhappy I was.

 

If he won't deal with his issues by trying something like therapy, then I would take that as a sign that he isn't prepared to make your M work, and I would make plans to leave.

 

Sorry, but he isn't going to change without an enormous kick in the butt. And even then he still might not.

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ThumbingMyWay
...but he isn't going to change without an enormous kick in the butt. And even then he still might not.

 

 

just have an affair on him. Thats what my wife did.....

 

and it forced me to change....I couldnt be co-dependent, needy and insecure anymore after that....

 

 

(please note a little sarcasim...but it did make me change....not because she disliked me for being needy and insecure....I changed for ME...casue I hated being that way...and I wanted to change....unfortunately her affair was the catylist)

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Sorry, but he isn't going to change without an enormous kick in the butt. And even then he still might not.

 

Yes I agree.

 

I dunno...its friday morning and I felt like being a quasi-counselor today...what do i know...i am just an average white american male...

 

Oh don't say that. I appreciate everyone's reply's. :D At least your being honest and not giving me some BS answer.

 

 

So I'm going to say that unless this person decides to change, then nothing that can be done and to stay would be insane.

 

I just don't understand how someone can change like that when they never use to be. It's werid and I can't grasp it. Something has to make him act like that. Can't just wake up one day and start a selfish I don't care attitude. Or can they? :confused:

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silktricks

How long have you two been together?

 

You said he "suddenly" started acting like this a few years ago. Was it sudden and stayed that way, or did it actually happen gradually? Or did it start out that he did it sometimes, but now is always that way? How old is he?

 

Was there any catalyst that you are aware of that could have caused a sudden behavior change in him?

 

His actions sound VERY familiar. He does sound insecure and self-centered. Does he have reason to feel insecure or inept around you, i.e. do you make more money than him, have more education, etc?

 

To really answer your question, I'd probably tell him that it's counselling or goodbye. But you can't say that unless you really mean it, and follow through, otherwise you've lost the only control you could have. You don't sound happy (who could be in the circumstances described?)

 

Is it conceivable that he could be involved with someone else? If he's critical of your every action, he could be making excuses within himself for treating you badly. (That seems to be a common theme.) - I don't mean to be throwing fuel on the fire, but that is something to consider, as is health issues (especially if the change was truly sudden).

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To really answer your question, I'd probably tell him that it's counselling or goodbye. But you can't say that unless you really mean it, and follow through, otherwise you've lost the only control you could have. You don't sound happy (who could be in the circumstances described?)

 

Is it conceivable that he could be involved with someone else? If he's critical of your every action, he could be making excuses within himself for treating you badly. (That seems to be a common theme.) - I don't mean to be throwing fuel on the fire, but that is something to consider, as is health issues (especially if the change was truly sudden).

 

Yes I agree and yes it was all of a studden. What triggered it was watching the news 24/7, internet, etc...

 

I doubt highly this person is involved with someone else. Spends a lot of time on-line. About 15 hours a day and likes doing it when people are sleeping and encourages people to leave the house so he can go on-line. Then gets off as soon as you walk through the door.

 

But maybe that would explain the $2,000 spent on God knows what. Surly doesn't have $2,000 worth of stuff lying around can tell you that.

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Yes I agree and yes it was all of a studden. What triggered it was watching the news 24/7, internet, etc...

 

I doubt highly this person is involved with someone else. Spends a lot of time on-line. About 15 hours a day and likes doing it when people are sleeping and encourages people to leave the house so he can go on-line. Then gets off as soon as you walk through the door.

 

But maybe that would explain the $2,000 spent on God knows what. Surly doesn't have $2,000 worth of stuff lying around can tell you that.

Your H could be exhibiting early symptoms of schizophrenia:

 

"People with schizophrenia vary widely in their behavior as they struggle with an illness beyond their control. In active stages, those affected may ramble in illogical sentences or react with uncontrolled anger or violence to a perceived threat. People with schizophrenia may also experience relatively passive phases of the illness in which they seem to lack personality, movement, and emotion (also called a flat affect). People with schizophrenia may alternate in these extremes. Their behavior may or may not be predictable."

 

You might make his getting an immediate check-up and evaluation a deal-breaker...

 

Mr. Lucky

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4whatItsWorth
I doubt highly this person is involved with someone else. Spends a lot of time on-line. About 15 hours a day and likes doing it when people are sleeping and encourages people to leave the house so he can go on-line. Then gets off as soon as you walk through the door.

 

Um...isn't a person who is online a lot and turns off the screen as soon as you walk into the room kind of suspicious traits of an online-affair? :confused:

 

You seem to be a very positive person, but I don't think your guy will change. Even after one or two of those traits I'd be packing my bags. Life is too short to try to fix a person who doesn't want to be "fixed". I think you should find someone who will treat you like you deserve. :bunny:

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Um...isn't a person who is online a lot and turns off the screen as soon as you walk into the room kind of suspicious traits of an online-affair? :confused:

 

Oh......:mad: Anyone know if there is any truth to this?

 

Doesn't explain the constant clickings. The screen doesn't turn off. You only hear a bunch of clickings.

 

It's odd behavior. Here's the pattern. Gets up and waits until no one is around. Then gets on-line until someone comes home, waits until no one's around and goes on again. Then goes back on at night until about 3am. Goes to bed, gets up 2-3 hours later and starts it all over again.

 

As odd as that is, what in the heck would draw someone to the computer like that. I mean I admit I'm on-line a lot but not like that.

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What do you make of a spouse that does things like the following?

  1. When you talk to someone else, the tv gets turned up until you stop.
  2. Not allowed to speak during certain programs but the other person can.
  3. Gets mad when you leave but it's okay if that person leaves.
  4. Corrects you no matter where you are.
  5. Gets mad at everything that person does but its okay if they do it.
  6. Has temper fits if things don't go their way.
  7. Allowed to say hurtful things but not okay if someone else does it back.
  8. Nothing they ever do is wrong.
  9. Can't stand it if you don't side with them on a certain topic.
  10. Watches the news 24/7. Then uses you as their sounding post. Even will sometimes act like your the person they hate and talk to you like they would like to talk to the person.
  11. Life revolves around having as much money as possible each month. They can spend but anyone else can't.

I hoping I can get some serious responses on this. :).

 

....................

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luvstarved

Well it sounds to me like he is some sort of online addiction. I would very highly recommend that you install a keylogger on your computer so that you can check out what he has been doing online. I am a computer engineer and I can tell you ways that you can check his online activities to SOME extent without doing that, if you can get some time alone on the computer when he is not home.

 

I am not a big fan of spying but he is being very defensive and I would bet that there is something going on that he is either ashamed of himself about or resentful of you about, or both. It could be that he is looking at a lot of porn but 15 hours a day of ANYTHING sounds crazy.

 

PM me if you want some info on how to check out his online stuff. If what I tell you doesn't work then that right there indicates that he is purposefully "covering his tracks". Then perhaps you can resort to a keylogger.

 

It does sound from what you have said that there is SOME correlation between his internet activity and his current behavior so I think it is really an important first step to know what the heck he is doing on there.

 

Good luck.

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Flyin in Clouds
What do you make of a spouse that does things like the following?
  1. When you talk to someone else, the tv gets turned up until you stop.
  2. Not allowed to speak during certain programs but the other person can.
  3. Gets mad when you leave but it's okay if that person leaves.
  4. Corrects you no matter where you are.
  5. Gets mad at everything that person does but its okay if they do it.
  6. Has temper fits if things don't go their way.
  7. Allowed to say hurtful things but not okay if someone else does it back.
  8. Nothing they ever do is wrong.
  9. Can't stand it if you don't side with them on a certain topic.
  10. Watches the news 24/7. Then uses you as their sounding post. Even will sometimes act like your the person they hate and talk to you like they would like to talk to the person.
  11. Life revolves around having as much money as possible each month. They can spend but anyone else can't.

I hoping I can get some serious responses on this. :).

Sounds like a perfect mate, what's your problem? :rolleyes:

 

If I ask my wife to stop talking while I'm watching something, well.. I'm being rude. But if I talk while there's something she'd like to watch I'm told I make too much noise.

 

Oh, and nothing I ever do is wrong... ;)

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If I ask my wife to stop talking while I'm watching something, well.. I'm being rude. But if I talk while there's something she'd like to watch I'm told I make too much noise.

 

I can understand it if both people were not talking. But this goes deeper.

 

Are you a tv controller? When she's watching tv, do you turn it and say what she watches is crap and that your tv prgrams are more important (NEWS)? Even if you can watch it in the other room?

 

Do you tell your wife to shut up and that you don't care what she has to say whenever you watch tv?

 

Do you turn the tv up everytime and then mute it to rant about what was watched and not let her say anything back? And if she does manage to say something, do you yell at her for it if she doesn't understand something or disagrees?

 

Then if she leaves, do you follow her still ranting. I"m guessing you don't.

 

 

But a side from all that does anyone know what it's called when you picture your SO as someone you hate and then say to them what you would say if they actually were that person you hated?

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Vina-

 

I went through a similar situation with my late husband (he took his own life in 2005.) It screams of depression/mental health issues to me. I tried very hard to get him into individual and couples counseling. I have no idea what happened in his individual session, but in the couples session all it took was 5 minutes of conversation and the psychiatrist told him he was suffering from serious clinical depression. LH had cancer and I believe the depression was side affect this. We were together for many years and the severe changes, similar to ones you mention, were post cancer changes.

 

Just my $ .02 given my situation. I am in no way implying you'll experience a similar outcome.

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