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my SO-HE does the "silent treatment"- insights needed


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hi

positive first:

I love him, I do my BEST with and for him on all levels even tho he has issues/needs that stem from his formidable years (mom not very there and available, no dad, and basically grew up on his own)

 

I set him off with some of what seem to me very innocuos things-particularly if emotional and then he gets very adamanat about what he can and cannot handle and deal with-- burdens/resposnsibility for me that he can't take on---- real issues with being responsible for my "emotional well being"

 

and then goes into no communication, no contact; sometimes days to at least a week.

We do not live together--have a ltr that will change this summer I think--?? hope....

 

does anyone have insight into this type of behaviour, how best to deal with it, how not to let it get to me??

I am always left feeling so frustrated and anxious.. seems it is always going to be the quiet before the storm; the storm being ending the R.

 

I have figured out to leave him be, but in the mean time, I end up hurting and sad.

 

btw,anyone out there celebrating; Happy Mother'd day on Sunday!

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amaysngrace

So his silent treatment stems from him thinking he needs to be responsible for your well-being? Is that why he backs off?

 

If that's true then maybe he wants you to figure things out on your own. And not depend on him too much. Are you overly clingy?

 

Or, he could just be avoiding real issues. He may be running from the problem rather than moving closer to it so that he can find a solution. Running from problems doesn't make them go away.

 

If he is still dwelling on his past and the cards he's been dealt, he sounds extremely emotionally immature. When did this stuff happen to him? Realize that if he was eight when this occurred his emotional IQ isn't much more than that of an eight year-old.

 

Has he ever been to counseling?

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Trialbyfire

The reason I ask this question is that to me, a good relationship is one of give and take. Sometimes you roll over and sometimes he does. There are times where you both have to compromise. If it's always either a compromise or he has to give in all the time, the running away might be the only option he has due to the layering of unsatisfied and unresolved need.

 

On the other hand, if this isn't the case, there's a red flag with someone who is unable to communicate and runs and hides. amg's idea of counselling is a good idea.

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eh I knew I could count on you all!;)

rt, do you ever let him have his way in any argument or admit that he's right?

always admit when right and yes, rather than get "into it" when I know he is wrong I give.. but we don't fight much.... we seem to have major issues infrequently rather than small things often....

so when this happens..... its always painful-big and hurtful for me and he just backs away.

 

rt, do you ever let him have his way in any argument or admit that he's right?

no idea why he backs off, he makes his needs known and then just backs away.

sometimes I have thought a type of Punishment/msg.... behaviour modicfication.

 

If that's true then maybe he wants you to figure things out on your own. And not depend on him too much. Are you overly clingy?

QUOTE]

yes he does want me to figure out on own, Not clingy at all, but if I express some sort of emotional neediness--nothing I think is out of ordinary or normal; he cant handle it.

(background info: he is very smart, very accomplished professional in medicine and deals with death and dying alot) and functions well at a social and professional level

 

If he is still dwelling on his past and the cards he's been dealt, he sounds extremely emotionally immature. When did this stuff happen to him? Realize that if he was eight when this occurred his emotional IQ isn't much more than that of an eight year-old.

 

Has he ever been to counseling?

 

I don't know that he dwells,I think he has done his best to deal(in his mind) and put past him.

His mom was gone most of the time from when he was about 12 on...

he basically raised himself. I understand there was alot of anger about that for a long time, and alot of freedom and no one to give him boundaries, constant support etc. He has a very good R with her now, he told me once it took him along time to forgive her, but he doesnt talk about his childhood/teens much.

She also has issues; very very private person in almost a bizarre way, also had 2nd marriage(when he was in late teens) but spouse died--my SO really didn't like the family; and she has never remarried, is extrememly independant as well.

 

Counseling... hah! him never....:sick:

 

emotional IQ--I should look up more info on emotional developmental stages, it might be part of the key to the his door or my confusion

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http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/isyourpartneranarcissist.msnw

 

well, I coulnd't help but search.... and found this.

looks very helpful

and on the scale.

YUP--my So does fit but he is at the 'has few Narc. destructive traits...'

so , it isn't all me

i don't know if i should be grateful it isn't worse or hang my head low for sadness and wonder if my R with him will just remain this way for always

 

I read some of the posts here and I send you my admiration for your patience, tolerance and fortitude!

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