Depressed with relationship/life due to fiance's "lack of passion"

[moxie72]

Hello dear fellow humans,

 

My fiance posted the following and I am unsure what to do. The part he left out was that I was not told of these feelings until I was 7 months pregnant--a bit late to do much although, I did consider adoption, I decided that having already been attached to the baby I could not let go and be healthy either, so I might as well try to make it work. His lack of passion stems from his lack of attraction to me, he says that he finds me attractive, but I am just "not his type". When I ask what that is, he says petite, athletic women. I am 5'2" and weigh 112 lbs. wear a size 2.

 

The thing is I am so depressed. This has an effect on every aspect of my existance. Clearly, we love each other and are also amazing friends. I respect him and we want the same things. I will not go into how "good" everything is except to say that askde from this "issue" everything else is amazing. I just do not think that I can go on feeling so badly and fearfull that the bottom will drop out when he finds a woman he feels passionate about.

 

I know for me, nothing else matters, I will follow my heart to a fault. I do not make choices with my head when it comes to love...I follow my heart. I have a hard time understanding those who follow their head and a even harder time with it being MY partner. I do not want a business relationship, I want a transformational love...or to be single so that I can at least have a transformational love affair with myself.

 

As it is, I have neither. This relationship makes me feel badly about myself. It starts with how I look and my fear of him leaving...that stress makes me crazy and then my behavior is altered. I do not feel like my self, my poor behavior makes me feel worse, and the cycle goes on and on.

 

At the same time, I do not see how it is healthy to end things without a real try. How long do you give it and what do you do during that time to make things better? I feel a boundary would help, knowing that this is not a lifetime sentance, things will resolve by X or I will have to move on. A year? a decade? He is in therapy and it is helping. I am not because a) I have no ins. (because we are hummm....not married due to his committment issues) and b) I feel that my issues will resolve when his do.

 

So, sorry to be so long winded. The following are his words, please tell me what you think I should do. All advice will be welcomed and considered. Thank you in advance for the giving of yourself.

 

 

 

"

I'm involved with a woman whom I could spend all day praising - an amazing, courageous woman who is also an amazing partner. I've had doubts since we began dating - it's been sort of a brain vs. heart matter, with my brain realizing her glory - and while I love her deeply, my heart has never fully committed. To summarize what is missing - it is that overwhelming feeling of passion. We've been together a couple of years. We have a young child together and I am the step father to her daughter, who I love as my own. I've always felt that in the least we would live a wonderful life together - and at most I would get past my doubts and we would live an inspirational life together. Well, I haven't gotten past them - and she (rightfully so) would rather be without me than with only a partial me. I don't know if doing the right thing is releasing her or continuing to try and work past these doubts. I want it to work, but a part me also does not want it to work. I feel like the biggest a-hole and may very well be.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated."

[climbergirl]

I know you hate to hear this, but I think you should let this relationship go for now. Because passion for another isn't just physical but emotional as well. IMO-passion for your partner is what sustains and motivates you in a relationship. It makes you want to ride through the lows in a relationship.

 

I don't think that passion for another is the only vital component in a relationship, but it does provide a solid foundation.

 

To me, this is a very sad post and I'm sorry you are going through this. You sound like you have enormous respect for each other, get along, have a child and this will be a very hard relationship to end.

 

But I also think that one or/and both of you will crave having that passion for another.

 

You may not feel that right now, but I am reasonably certain that at some point you'll witness a couple who are so lost in each other/like no one else existed that you'll want that for yourself.

[moxie72]

Dear Climbergirl,

 

Well, sure I do not "want" to hear it, but I need to. I need to have others reflect and look at the hard things. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Much joy to you...keep climbing.

w.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm afraid your boyfriend seems more than a little bit nacissistic and self-centered. While waiting for Cupid to shoot an arrow up his ass he has drawn you into a multi-year relationship that includes two children, one of which you've had together for God's sake. What is that statute of limitation on emotional wishy-washing? While he is waiting for his "heart to commit", I'd get a lawyer, kick him to the curb and get on with my life.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ladyjane14]

I know for me, nothing else matters, I will follow my heart to a fault. I do not make choices with my head when it comes to love...I follow my heart. I have a hard time understanding those who follow their head and a even harder time with it being MY partner. I do not want a business relationship, I want a transformational love...or to be single so that I can at least have a transformational love affair with myself.

 

 

I've had doubts since we began dating - it's been sort of a brain vs. heart matter, with my brain realizing her glory - and while I love her deeply, my heart has never fully committed. To summarize what is missing - it is that overwhelming feeling of passion.

 

I'm sorry, but I have to wonder if either one of you has a realistic expectation of long-term commitment.

THANK YOU HOLLYWOOD!

 

I've been married for 25 years now, so I can tell you... it's just not reasonable to expect that there won't be any bumps in the road or doubts. "Overwhelming passion" in the romantic sense is just not sustainable over the long haul.

 

Think about it this way.... "Passion" is not limited to feelings of Infatuation. Passion can be about anything you feel strongly about, right? You can be 'passionate' about your career, or your politics, your religion, or your FAMILY. The list is endless. And when you bring that "passion" into your marriage and you have that sense of strong commitment to the wellbeing of your partner and he has it for you, THEN... you're in it for the long haul.

 

The type of romantic passion one feels when they are experiencing Infatuation is both emotional and physiological. And it only lasts for a couple of years. The only way to keep that 'weak-in-the-knees- butterflies-in-the-stomach' feeling is to change partners every few years.

 

It sounds to me like BOTH of you need to start using your heads. Hearts are fickle things and nothing to plan your life around.

 

I think it's likely that your SO is probably feeling the same sense of anxiety that alot of young men feel when they start a family. The future yawns before them like an abyss with only old age and death at the bottom.

 

Often these young fathers feel unequal to the task ahead, afraid of failure, and their feelings of anxiety are so vague they have no label for them. They haven't defined these emotions to the extent where they're able to recognize this anxiety for what it is. So they grab onto the first thing they can blame it on and lay it there. It's not at all unusual to find new fathers in affairs or walking out because they've "lost that loving feeling". What it all boils down to though is their just scared sh*tless of the years of responsibility before them.

 

Do you feel like he's always had his doubts about you as he claims? .. Or is this a 're-write' of relationship's history?

 

If he's ALWAYS had these doubts and he's been clear about that, then it's probably best to kick him to the curb and sue him for child support. On the other hand, if this is all news to you... I think you can probably afford to work with him for a while longer and see if this doesn't resolve itself when he finds his balls.