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Dealing with money issues & resentfulness..


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Background: I watched my parents' relationship deteriorate into divorce and one of their biggest problems was money. My mom had a lot of money but lived like she had a lot more. My dad was not a controlling guy - they had separate accounts - but her spending affected him and he had a lot of feelings of "being caught in a downward spiral" as he put it, regarding their debt. I also had the same problems with my exH. Although I made more money, he insisted on joint accounts and spent it like crazy.

 

When we got divorced, I got a couple of credit cards. I've managed to keep them about 30% under maxed out but can't get them paid off. I've also got some very low interest student loans I'll be paying on in about a year. My husband has told me he'll help me pay off my debts (I did max out my cards originally buying stuff for both of us after we moved in together) but....

 

He learned his spending habits from his mother and they are HORRENDOUS. I sift through our bank statements and show him how much he spends on fast food and other stuff that could easily be cut out. He always says things like "It will be okay" "We are doing better than we were a couple of years ago" etc. Well honestly, I had a hard spot after my divorce when I was stuck with LOTS of bills, but now I am doing pretty much exactly the same as I was two years ago. And I find myself helping him with his part of the bills...

 

Things always get justified, for example, I was hoping to use some of our tax return to save money for the next semester of school. Now it looks like I'll need it to make a down payment on some dental stuff. Meanwhile he is planning a surprise getaway for our anniversary in March....very sweet....but I can't help feeling a little resentful and anxious because I think we can only barely afford it. He says if he gets the same tax return as last year, we can do both! He is spending money before we have it...

 

Compounded with this is the fact that I know I'm neurotic about money. I get absolutely terrified at the thought of falling into debt like my mother, and frustrated with him for not feeling as terrified as me. We don't fight about it or anything, but sometimes it hangs over my head to the point where I feel like I'm having a panic attack. What should I do? Hire someone to help us make a budget? See if I can pay off my own debts without his help somehow? It irritates me when I think things are looking up, and then he announces I'm going to have to buy all the groceries, pet food, etc. for the month because he ran out of money.

 

I just don't know what to do, it's so frustrating and I don't want to start feeling resentful toward my husband over money. How do other people (you guys) deal with these money issues?

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I agree you need to start with a budget. First, make a spreadsheet of all the required expenses: monthly utility bills, rent, loan/car payments, car insurance, etc. Then add to it how much you are currently spending on groceries, eating out, going out, etc.

 

Then add up how much income you have on a monthly basis. If you are spending more each month than you are bringing in, you are never going to catch up!

 

Take your current expenses and AGREE with your H on what you can cut out for, say, 6 months, how much to put toward your debts, and how much you can put toward savings each month. First thing is to pay off the credit cards because those are costing you tons of money each month on interest.

 

Then, in 6 months, you can re-evaluate. You have to decrease your spending in order to catch up.

 

I'm sure there is software, or even free online budgeting guides that can help you with this process. But the key is to agree on a goal and agree on how you will cut down on your expenses to meet that goal.

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Thank you. I'm so glad I found this forum sometimes. Maybe this was the place to post this since I was asking more about financial adivce...sorry...

 

But that is SO helpful, considering I didn't really know where to start. I want to be more organized but I just felt so overwhelmed.

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