Jump to content

! I'm freezing in this relationship!


Recommended Posts

Hello

 

I have never done this before. In my profession I have utilized newsgroups for college students, but never for my own personal life... so here it goes:

 

I am in a nearly three year committed relationship with a female. She is an incredible person whom I love passionately and dearly.

 

Our relationship was passionate at the start and has progressively waned over the years. Just as it has strengthened in important ways and deepened, the affection, romance, intimacy, sex, etc. has diminished. I now find myself jealous of the dog I bought her last year for Christmas. Thor sleeps in bed with us, often taking my spot, and receives more touches and kisses than do I. This is embarassing for me to admit but I am jealous of our dogs, TV personalities about whom she waxes rhapsodic, and any and every animal she sees over whom she dotes. We are both animal lovers, but I would kill for a fraction of the compliments she pays to animals and actors.

 

At this present moment I work at two jobs to pay for the expenses of our home and farm, her education/career goals, and her animals (only one is sort of mine). I do all the house work, yard work, laundry and cooking. I find time to be romantic and spontaneous with her. I listen attentively, know her favorite authors (their vitae, their perspectives, etc.), and I am supportive of her. She often tells me I am her best friend. Occasionally she will say that I am the love of her life. We were planning to marry in May and now that seems to be shelved indefinately (by her - she says, "I just want to know it is the right time.")

 

So here I am working my butt off in this relationship yearning for some acknowledgement, some consistent hugs, kisses, and occasional compliments.

 

When I have brought it to her attention (at times of calm and peace) she retreats further, complains that she just wants me to be happy, grows colder and distant, dismisses me as being "to much like a woman," "having a pity party," or "too needy." My god, I just want some affection. If I were to receive half of what the dogs and horses got, I would be overjoyed.

 

I am committed to improving myself. I am committed to this relationship. However, I am at my wits end right now.

 

How can I get some love in action? Am I a meal ticket and nothing more? Is this my problem and I just have to accept that which I perceive to be an injustice? What should I do?

Link to post
Share on other sites

hey, chill man, everyone has their own time when they have had enuff. i'm at my breaking point - and u know it when u are there because what u do is u really put out an effort and u do so for a while and at some point u just stop - everyone knows that point - u feel it.

 

its the same as when u break up with someone - people understand that

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes I feel the same way. I just want more unsolicited affection, love and occasional compliments. I, too, am frustrated. That is why I'm up at 1:30AM.

 

I know that pushing for more affection doesn't work. As you said, the other person tends to withdraw more and more. The only thing I think will work is to give your love the space they need. This shouldn't be a problem if you are confident and comfortable knowing that your SO loves you. Other than that, I dunno. I wish I knew.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think people who don't really need affection aren't ones to give it so freely. Some people are just more stand-offish when it comes to giving affection.

 

I would be mad though if I did all the work around the house you do and not get appreciated. You have needs too. I think she's wrong to deny you after you've expressed to her how much it means to you.

 

She should be happy you do all that you do. I wish you could come to my house and clean it. I'd give you lovin for that! :bunny:

Link to post
Share on other sites

the level of affection a person desires or desires to give in a relationship is, IME, more crucial to a couple's compatibility than their views on money, how they spend their free time, where they want to live and how many kids (if any) they want.

 

what you are saying is that you're not getting what you want out of the relationship. that gives you three options.

 

1. you can tell her you need to see some changes. she may withdraw from you even further and if she does, you will have your answer - that the current level of affection is the most you will likely get for the rest of your time together. or she may seek to address the problem (as you see it) and you may see some changes. whether they will last is another thing. most of us can compromise to please a partner but if she feels uncomfortable doing it, the compromise won't last.

 

2. you can learn to live with what you have now. you say you love her, is that enough? you also gripe about the unequal distribution of household chores and how hard you work. again, this is something that can be addressed between you, but if she is lazy and knows you are willing to do everything, she will probably let you again and again, until you keep bringing it up.

 

3. you can realistically assess whether seeking to change the patterns of behaviour you find unacceptable is likely to have any long-term success and either end the relationship or take option 2. certainly change is possible, but it doesn't happen unless a person makes a firm committment to change. as i see it, she has let you do more and more, withdrawn affection and now expressed doubts about the 'timing' of your marriage.

 

honestly, she loves what you do for her but she is emotionally withdrawing from the relationship. the only person who can tell you why is her, and the only person who can decided whether it's worth it to commit for life to a person like that is you. she may be wonderful - most of us have some really great points - but that's not the issue. is she right for you, is the issue.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My husband and I have had similar problems. Stupid dogs lol. We had a Rottie that he took when we had a trial seperation and I love him, but I've gotten jealous of the affection he shows the dog a few times. I actually get jealous of a dog, lord help me.

 

However I have a little anklebiter terrier that he had major issues with too. I got her because he wasn't showing me as much affection and I needed some love too. Wannabeast is a terribly spolied little brat. She sleeps under the covers and as close to me as possible. She growls when anyone comes near me. For three years he hated her. If she came near him he would push her away, he called her ugly (she is lol, no lie there), and teased her mercilessly. He would look her in the eye and say "I hate you!"

 

Then we seperated again in May... I don't know if the counselor told him this, or if it just happened or what... but he stole my dog from me. When he walks in he says hi to her before he says hi to me, he takes time to scratch her belly and now if we leave in seperate vehicles she goes with him.

 

Strange thing is it has made me love him more... she is something we share in common, and now in order for me to get snuggles from one I have to get them from the other as well. lol...

 

In fact, there were a few family members that he was jealous of as well.. and now he visits with them and actually seems to have opened up.

 

It's strange but it has taken a lot of the pressure off of me. I like seeing him spending time with the people and animals I love, and enjoying himself. I like seeing his soft side. I don't have to defend the things I love anymore. Which frees me up to love him even more...

 

BTW. I was affectionate with the dog because I didn't feel comfortable being affectionate with him for a time. We had some problems, too much fighting etc. And I just didn't trust him enough emotionally to open myself up. I loved him, but I felt starved for attention... and she filled that need.

 

It may not be that you have shut her out, she might be dealing with something from her past or whtever... but it's possible that she just doesn't feel safe loving you right now. Instead of pressuring her about the animals, maybe try a neutral approach.

 

Sit down... look her in the eye... and say "Have I done something to hurt you?" and listen. I can't remember which book I read it in, but don't get defensive... just show her that whatever her problem is that you are willing to do whatever it takes to fix it. Don't pile more pressure on by defending, you don't have to actually take responsibility for her feelings but take responsibility for your love. It works really well... Allow her to open up in a safe way, and maybe she will.

 

But creating more conflict over the dog will just well... just create more conflict and cloud the real issue.

 

And the book was Boundaries in marriage... excellent read.

Link to post
Share on other sites

BTW again... I just wanted to add. You sound like a wonderful man. You are intelligent, articulate, and sensitive... It's nice to see someone like you asking for such thoughtful advice.

 

Just felt the need to say that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I will probably get hung on here for telling you this but at the end of the day if you can't be honest on L.S then where can you ?

 

I did not used to be very affectionate by nature. I tried it once and it didn't work. I ended up faking affection towards my BF and it went so over the top it was terrible. I started being WAY over affectionate and perhaps seemed a little needy at times because I was trying to brake down my barrier with affection, which just wasn't the answer for me. :rolleyes:

 

Anyway, my confession. My BF used to keep me sustained in the lifestyle that I was then accustomed to. He paid for me to have driving lessons and then bought me a Landrover Discovery and a BMW to drive around in. He bought my two horses for me and my Jack russell terrier. He kept me in phone credit, clothes, shoes, wine and cigarettes. I lost my old mobile phone and he went straight out and bought me a new one. He let me work part time so that I could ride my horses in the morning. My life was one of ease and satisfaction. Granted, I did do the housework and made sure that he and his son were fed every night, but he did a hell of alot for me :o

 

My point in this being. I was in no way affectionate towards him. I loved him and sex with him was good, but I never felt the need or necessity to snuggle down on the sofa with him or cuddle him when we were in bed. I never got an impulse to touch him or pull him towards me and hug him, just for the sake of it, but I certainly didn't want to leave him and lose everything that I had and everything that he did for me. :o

 

In the end he noticed what was going on and withdrew his generosity from me. He started doing less and less for me. When my cars broke down, he did not fix them (he's a mechanic BTW so he could have sorted them out for me quite easily) I had to start using public transport to get to and from work again. He didn't buy my clothes or horse feed, saddlery etc etc Everything that he had done for me previously was snatched away from

me and by christ did it make me sit up and take a look at things.

 

I am nothing like that person anymore. I realised in the end that our relationship should have been a team effort from the beginning. He was doing all the giving and I was doing all the taking. I very nearly lost my BF for it and was lucky that he was adult enough to realise that I had just made a HUGE mistake in life. He ended up teaching me affection, showing me that it was not a weakness to express your love for somebody, in fact the stronger person is the one who can feel and create affection and love without becoming needy. It's opened a whole new world up for me now and I am so glad that it is a lesson that I learned the hard way.

 

What I am really trying to say is that Yes Drjohn, your GF may very well be sucking you dry for everything that you are willing to offer her. The lack of affection on her part may be because she really does not want to touch you. She may the love the lifestyle that she is accustomed to but possibly not love you. I would suggest taking some of her privileges away from her. Dont do all of the housework all of the time, dont give her everything that she wants all of the time, dont buy for her just because she wants, dont cook for her just because she wants. Her true colours will surely shine through if you do retract your generosity from her and you are certain to find out whether it is you or just your finances that she wants. If this doesn't work and you feel that it is not the material you that she is after, then her problem with affection may be rooted deeper than you first thought.

 

Its really up to you, its a difficult situation and I am only offering advice through my own experience. I was just plain selfish and inconsiderate. There were no childhood issues which caused my lack of expression and affection, there were no cracks in my security or self confidence, I was just a Bitch. ;)

 

Good luck

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hey folks

 

Thank you so much for replying. I really appreciate you taking the time from your busy schedules.

 

Just an update: I talked with my significant other about the lack of affection; the absence of unsolicited compliments, kind words, and flirting; the inconsistency of intimacy and (nearly absent) sex; and, the emotional discomfort and pain of feeling rejected, un-loved, used, and undesirable.

 

Well, she and her girl friend talked and tried to discover "my problem." She did some research trying to find out "exactly what is wrong with me." Additionally, she also suggested that I am over-reactive and get so fixated on something that I amplify it into being important when it is not.

 

I explained that if a situation or concern is important to me, that it should also be important to my significant other. I gave her a couple of examples in our life wherein she was upset or concerned or hurt and invited her to recount my response. She admitted that I am concerned about the things she feels concerned. I then told her that is an appropriate response to my aforementioned feelings and concerns.

 

What happened? Not a hell of alot. I am still freezing in this situation. She says now that she just wants me to choose to be happy - which sounds a lot like "shut up and get over it" - however, she did give me a hug last night and a kiss (a peck) before she fell asleep.

 

Oh by the way... she called to tell me that she thought she had a cold so on the way home I got her medicine and sizzling rice soup. She did say "thank you." Oh yeah, and Thor - the damn dog - did get to cuddle with her in bed and I got growled at for trying to do the same. Yikes!

 

John

Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup

She isn't listening to your words or understanding what it is that you're trying to tell her. She's so convinced YOU are in the wrong...

 

TELL her how it makes you feel when she doesn't cuddle you, give you affection - Kisses and hugs. YOU need to feel that intimacy and connection with her. You need to feel loved, appreciated and needed - Not just physically in bed, but emotionally.

 

In all honesty, I would copy and paste your own posts into an email draft and let her read it. MAKE her understand that the way she's treating you is making you doubt her love for you.

 

Bottomline - DO not get married to this woman, no matter how much you love her UNTIL she is ready to love you fully, openly and honestly, and be able to grow with you, not away from you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

honestly why does she HAVE To show you affection? You already buy her stuff, you take care of her, she doesn't have to pay for anything and reallly gets anything she wants whenever she wants from you, she doesn't have to do a damn thing and you will still worship the ground she walks on. Heck she belittles your feelings with her friend and you STILL Get her chicen soup!

 

You need to stop being such a pushover with her, once she finds that she doesn't just have a sugar daddy to take care of all her needs then she might start showing you affection again or you will start to see her true colors come out and you will find out either way if she likes you, or just waht you do for her

Link to post
Share on other sites
Our relationship was passionate at the start and has progressively waned over the years. Just as it has strengthened in important ways and deepened, the affection, romance, intimacy, sex, etc. has diminished.

 

Have you tried asking her to consider what your relationship was like 2 years ago and comparing it to what it's like in the present? Have you given her specific examples - "when we first started seeing each other, we used to cuddle on the couch for hours, and now we don't do it at all." Or, "do you remember how we used to chase each other around the house and how it's different now?" Or, "do you remember we always used to hold hands when walking, and now we don't?"

 

And then tell her that you have noticed and the changes have made you unhappy. Ask her if she's happy with how things are between you.

 

Frankly, being in a relationship where you aren't getting enough attention or affection is likely to push you out of the relationship, or worse, set you up for an affair. Is she aware that you are at your wit's end? Maybe she needs to hear that you are getting ready to walk.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...